


Around Your Neck

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Band, M/M, Music, ereri, riren - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-17
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-23 20:18:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 91,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/930695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the depths of the city of Trost, there lies a dangerous and violent rivalry between Sina Academy and Maria Grammar School. The debacle unfolds when Eren Jaeger takes one step too far in his hatred toward the Sina elite, when defending his best friend. With his education on the line, he’s signed up to help develop the annual festival hosted by his school for the town – a perfect opportunity to upstage Sina Academy in a form of revenge. Events lead to first encounters and Eren meets Levi, the mysterious lead singer of a local rock band, and his friends. The tension unravels as Eren tries his hardest to make his school the best it can be and attempt to keep his lacking love life in check, all whilst trying to grow up with those surrounding him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Life Choices

**Author's Note:**

> hello if you're reading this for the first time!! um just a warning this fic has officially been dropped and will soon be orphaned (see the last chapter for details) and if you do continue reading its at your own risk (i know a lot of people hate when things aren't finished off and yeah) i do feel bad because so many of you read it but you can't force out words that aren't there ya know??  
> regardless if you do continue reading i hope you enjoy it at the very least  
> 

I was well aware that, in retrospect to everyone around me, I was useless. The thought made me wince – no one liked to acknowledge their own failures – but I wasn’t one to ignore what was punching me in the face. Quite literally.

I managed to duck this time, hitting the floor as Mikasa swung at empty air in a frighteningly fast speed. Her fist met the space where my cheek used to be. Now, my cheek was pressed against the scratchy carpet as my knees tucked up to my chest. Protecting myself from anything potentially fatal was my first priority. Dignity was a far cry at this point.

I gave myself a moment to breathe before rolling onto my back and staring up at my sister. “Stop!”

Mikasa, technically, wasn’t my sister. But she had been part of my family for so long that it felt wrong to call her anything otherwise. She was also effectively kicking my ass right now.

She let out a heavy breath and stared down at me. From this angle, her face was shadowed, her hair just as dark as the expression in her eyes. “Give me one reason why I should?”

I hesitated. “Because I’m your baby brother and I, uh, love you?”

She gave me an unreadable look before putting her knee to my cheek. I, again, resumed the position of face pressed against the floor, trying to slap her leg away with my elbows. “Blood is thicker than water.”

“Yes and that blood is currently staining the carpe- hey! That doesn’t even make sense!”

Mikasa grabbed me by the front of my shirt, pulling me up easily so our noses almost touched and gave me the filthiest glare she could muster. I’d like to say that I handled it, no problem, but the only reason I didn’t look away was because I felt, if I did, my eyeballs would drop out or something. Instead, I just sweated profoundly as she hissed, “Neither does picking a fight with a Sina Academy gang. One against – what was it again, Eren? Six? Seven?”

“Five,” I mumbled, struggling against her grip. “And I’m okay, I got out alive. What’s the big deal?” Without warning, she dropped me back to the floor and stepped away from me, sighing. I rubbed my shoulder – the body part that hit the ground first – as I got up once again. Mikasa had been beating me up without saying a word since we got into our apartment and I hadn’t been able to get a word in edgeways. I think that summed up our sibling relationship pretty well.

“The big deal is that if me and Jean hadn’t shown up, you would probably be in hospital. Or dead. I’m trying to figure out, out of all the scenarios, which one is worse?” She gave me a pitied look. Mikasa had always been very good at masking her emotions so it was strange to see her deliberately twist her face to look at me like I was an ugly bug she had already stepped on that had the survival rate of 0.

I rolled my eyes. “Jeez, sis, tell me how you really feel. And why did you bring Jean along? I’m not gonna hear the end of it-”

“Jean saved your ass!”

“Jean is an ass!”

“You know, Eren” – _her eye just twitched, uh oh_ – “maybe if you didn’t hate everyone with so much insistence, people would actually, ya know, _like_ you. Maybe.”

I waved off her comment with indifference and staggered to the couch, exercising my jaw which clicked several times after the beating I had endured. “Yeah, yeah. What were you doing with that guy anyway? You guys aren’t-”

“I’m going to go make dinner,” Mikasa interrupted as she drifted towards the door, her tone as stony as the expression on her face. “Please refrain from coming into the kitchen. I may throw a cleaver in your direction, if you do so.”

Seeing no use in responding, I laid back on the couch. I briefly wondered about if I had a concussion. The guys from Sina had got in a few good punches, I’d hand them that, but Mikasa was the threat here. I rolled my tongue over my teeth and was relieved to find them all there. There was no harm in checking. I’m fairly sure she knocked out two from the guy that had probably given me ugly chest bruises.

The thing about Mikasa was that she was always right. I shouldn’t have thrown the first punch. I should’ve sailed straight past those stupid Academy guys with closed ears. I should’ve ignored them. I should’ve let them say whatever they wanted about me because, even if they were clearly outside our school’s gate looking for trouble, I would suffer the consequences of giving it to them.

But that was the other thing. I hadn’t turned and fixed my glare on the one that was sniggering the loudest because of myself. Truth be told, I’d had people outright laugh into my face. A few snickers at my spine were hardly going to cripple me. I’d like to believe I was stronger than that.

No, they could’ve said anything about me, anything in the world, and it would’ve probably been okay. But once they realised how little their jokes affected me (“Look at him, what’s an ugly shit!” “Can’t even dress themselves, can they, these Maria lot?” “Hey, stop ignoring us, you ass!” “Gay boy, we’re talking to you!”), they seemed to deflate a little and that made me feel triumphant.

Until they spotted Armin.

I knew it would happen as soon as my best friend came running out of the gate. The constant breeze has made his usually perfect hair dishevelled, only resulting in the guy looking even younger. He was clutching several folders to his chest and was half running towards Eren, a look of excitement etched on his still-childish face. If we had been in any other situation, I would have smiled and waved him over, maybe teased him about his “new hairstyle” before letting him launch it to whatever new discovery he had worked out today. The kid was a genius. Or a prodigy. I wasn’t too sure which one was the proper term for him. But Armin had the brains, Mikasa had the looks and I’d like to think I had the strength, in our un-troublesome trio but that would probably go to Mikasa too. Like I said, useless.

Anyway, Armin hadn’t noticed those guys, mouth stretched into an open grin. And I suppose that felt the worst; I knew he was going to get hurt and I could do nothing but watch, at this point, as he went from on top of the world to the ground.

Literally.

It was a typical asshole move. They all sniggered as he hurried past and, before I could even yell out for Armin, the leader of the group stuck out his foot (the body part I vowed to break) and tripped my best friend up.

People consider anger as irrational and thoughtless but I think that’s wrong. To truly be angry, you need to know what you’re angry at. You need to think about that anger, weigh it on your shoulders, before reaching a conclusion.

I was full aware as my best friend fell. I was fully aware as his folders landed around him, spilling out sheets that were immediately attracted to the passing breeze, as the rest of them lay under Armin, giving him useless wings. I was fully aware of the laughter of the Sina students. I was fully aware of the tears in Armin’s eyes and the smirk that formed in response to them from the leader of the gang.

And my conclusion was to clench my hand into a fist and slam it into the face of the guy who tripped Armin up.

Of course, I knew it was only me against five other guys but I wasn’t going to let them walk away with the idea that they could hurt people as innocent as Armin and get away with it. Their school taught them nothing about discipline so I had to do my duty as a Maria student and try to dislodge some teeth. It was only fair, right?

Sadly, it only took the other guys a few minutes to process what was happening and, although I managed to punch the guy a few times and mess up his stupidly gelled up hair, I was still restrained and punched multiple times. Then Mikasa and Jean showed up, just as the teachers had been informed. I suppose it wasn’t the best time for me being held back by Mikasa and Jean as I screamed at the now terrified Sina guys that I was going to kill them all. Note that they weren’t terrified of me but of my sister and her freakish skills with her fist. I was good, everyone could agree on that, but she was a monster. And Jean wasn’t half bad either (I knew this from personal experience; we beat each other up on the second of our days as sophomore students.)

The process after that was painful and dull. I was taken to the nurse to be patched up whilst Mikasa took responsibility. By the time I was let out to explain myself, the decision had been made: I was sentenced to a weeklong suspension from school and to-be-discussed community service upon my return. I didn’t even get given the chance to tell them about Armin. It bothered me immensely that they overlooked the fact that these guys were clearly provoking our students outside _our_ gates but, thanks to the week away, Mr Owen would have to wait for my case. I had time to prepare it but talk about injustice. High school was the biggest practical joke of my life.

Armin had cried and held my hand at the infirmary, as I winced and moaned my way through the whole process of cleaning my wounds and bandaging me up. The nurse was a harsh woman but I figured she had a soft spot for me. I’d seen her work place more often than not. I told Armin it was okay, he didn’t need to apologise but he only cried harder as he hugged me, getting my blood on his usually spotless white shirt.

I felt bad – for Mikasa having to clean up after me again and for Armin crying over me – but I didn’t regret it. That’s why I never stopped. No matter the trouble it caused, I’d do it again because, though it was troublesome, it was the right thing to do.

*

We ate dinner in silence. Mikasa had learnt to cook as soon as we found out about Mom. Today, we had vegetable lasagne. It was one of my favourites so I figured this was Mikasa’s way of apologising without apologising. You know, “I’m sorry I hit you in the face constantly even though you’ve already been hit enough for one day – or one year – but I’m not gonna say sorry properly because you deserved it so here, have some food.” Whatever. I was hungry.

Even when we were mad at each other, cleaning up was an unspoken rule. It was Thursday so it was Mikasa’s turn to watch (yes, we had a schedule.) As she did, I dried. She finished quickly, whilst I was putting away some cups, and spoke first, “I’m going out.”

“Hm,” was my minimal response.

“Wanna come?”

My grudge died then. Mikasa had stopped asking me to join her when she went out after I pushed Jean into a park’s duck pond. I had 0 tolerance for Jean and she had 0 tolerance for me. _Wow, she must really feel bad_.

I didn’t turn. She would read my expression and start bullying again, if she knew I wasn’t mad at her. I simply continued drying. “Come where?”

“Marco’s having a party.”

It run a bell but didn’t alarm. “Marco?”

“You know? Tall, dark, freckled?” I didn’t respond. Mikasa sighed. “He’s Jean’s best friend-”

_Poor guy_. “Count me out. I’ve got dishes to dry.”

I can practically hear the eye roll. “Suit yourself. Don’t wait up.”

I glance back over my shoulder to her pulling on her favourite scarf. “I might go see Pixis anyway.”

Mikasa met my eyes with an unreadable expression. “Good idea. You can tell him why you got suspended. Again.”

I ignored her and turned back to the dishes. “Bye.”

Mikasa took the hint and replied, with a sigh, “Goodbye, Eren. Lock the door when you leave.” I don’t turn around until I hear the door slam.

I spend the next few minutes drying the dishes before grabbing a zip up hoodie and heading out towards Pixis’ bar. It was a five minute walk and the weather out is nice and cool. The calm before the storm was nothing compared to the calm after versus your inner turmoil. High school wasn’t the biggest practical joke in my life actually – everything was. My life was one big practical joke.

I whistled under my breath as I drew nearer to the bar. It was in plain eyesight now and there were a crowd of people just hanging outside, talking loudly, smoking and… _singing?_

_Is this another practical joke?_

I blinked at the sign above the doorway, labelling the place The Rose Wall. It was Pixis’ bar but the people hanging about only looked a few years older than me and that was definitely not a normal occurrence.

_What the hell is going on?_

Surprisingly, inside the bar itself, it was not too busy. The regulars were still sat drinking but they looked unimpressed at the unfamiliar faces pulling up chairs and laughing too loudly in the quiet bar.

I elbowed past a group of girls that were giggling in a manner that made me double check that they were even legal to be here. They seemed to be – the one I elbowed glared at me whilst her two friends ran their eyes down me before returning to their conversation with disinterest – so I hurried towards the counter, where Thomas was polishing a glass absentmindedly. “Thomas! What’s going on?”

He jumped a little and blinked a few times before grinning at me. Thomas had worked at the bar for the past three years and, admittedly, I liked the guy a lot. He was funny and didn’t try to hit on Mikasa, unlike most of the other workers here. He also had interesting sideburns. “Hey, Eren. Long time no see.”

I rolled my eyes in response. “You know, school.”

“I feel ya,” Thomas laughed good-naturedly. “We got a band playing.”

I hitched myself up onto a stool. “A band?”

“Yeah. The Corps.”

I raised my eyebrows at the name. “Corpse? That’s morbid.”

“No, no. Corps like c-o-r-p-s,” he corrected me, leaning down to put the glass away and replacing it with another.

“Oh. Are they any good?” I observed another group burst into the bar. This group was a majority of guys and all of them were decked in long black coats and heavy boats. Their piercings and crazy hair clashed with the calming wooden manner of the whole bar. It was a bizarre sight.

“Apparently. They usually play clubs but they’ve been hanging out here more often. That’s all you’ve missed, to be honest.”

“All of a sudden? Why?” It wasn’t like they had much to gain, coming to a bar like this, if they were such a hip and cool band. _With fans_.

Thomas shrugged; he did that a lot. “Probably because they’re having troubles with the place where they normally go to whine about groupies. Who knows? Pixis doesn’t care. He just needs business and they bring it in.”

I flinched at the reason I came here in the first place. “Where is the old man anyway?”

“Out back. Want me to go call him for ya?”

See what I mean? Thomas was just a regular helpful guy. “Please.”

Noticing my expression, Thomas paused. He squinted at me with knowing eyes. “You okay, Eren?”

I gulped, unable to hide the fear from my face. “Doomed.”

“Ah, shit.” Thomas wasn’t an idiot. He’d seen this play out many, many times before. He simply took the glass in his palms and filled it with coke before sliding it over to me, his lips turned up in a sympathetic smile. “On me. Best of luck, buddy. I’ll go get him.”

“Thanks.”

Thomas leaves me to sip my coke as I continue to observe all the new faces. Most of them were students, some of which were dressed in gothic clothing but most were sporting the typical student look of t-shirts and jeans. However, quite a lot of the girls had tried a little harder, it seemed, suggesting they were planning to hit the clubs after this. Though Pixis was quite popular with the locals, he mostly aimed for the older folk in this side of Trost. He had put up with me for years; I doubted the sight of so many “youngsters” made him feel anything other than wariness. Pixis was a cool guy, for an old man – when he wasn’t threatening to knock shot glasses over your head.

I rubbed the back of my head, grimacing at the memory of the last time I got suspended from school. Not nice.

My thoughts distracted me from the sight of a girl who had wandered close by. I figured this was a good of a chance as any. “Hey!” She turned towards me. She didn’t look that much older than me and was pretty cute, in a way that I couldn’t find myself attracted to but could appreciate. “Have you seen this band before?”

“The corps?” As she came nearer, I noticed the freckles doted over her nose and her blue-grey eyes. Her light brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail and her clothes – jean shorts and a cream sweater – suggested that she was simply here for a couple of hours. She smiled at me with a friendliness I admired. If anyone had asked me a question, I probably would have looked at them with the eyes of a killer.

The girl sat down next to me as she continued, “Yep, quite a few times. They’re _so_ good and Irvin is _wow_.” If I had felt any ounce of attraction to the girl, it was lost. Emphasizing every other word was my pet peeve.

“Irvin?”

“The guitarist. I’m guessing you’ve never seen them?” I shook my head and she jumped to her feet, grinning. “Come on.” Before I could say a word, she seized hold of my wrist and pulled me after her. My protests quickly died out in the noise of all the people suddenly littering the free space. I considered yanking my hand away but figured that, if I couldn’t do anything else for everyone, I could at least try to be a little nicer.

She led me to a table near the stage where another girl and guy were sat. They were sliding an empty glass between them, talking pretty calmly compared to most of the occupants of the tables nearby. I decided I liked them already.

“Hey, guys,” the girl beside me called and the two lifted their heads towards us. “Meet…” She looked back at me with a smile. “Sorry, I never got your name!”

_She’s also really enthusiastic when she talks. Definitely not going to be summer romance_. “Eren.”

“I’m Kim.” Despite the lack of fuzzy feelings, Kim was pretty lovely. “Guys, meet Eren. He’s seeing The Corps for the first time.”

“Oh, boy, you’re in for a _ride_ ,” the other girl said, with a laugh. Her hair was cut short, to her chin, and pitch black. Her eyes were outlined heavily in black but her clothes were, again, simple, from what I could see over the table – a jumper with a band logo on it. She looked fitting for the situation and I smiled at her as she extended her hand so I could shake it. “I’m Maddie. Take a seat.” I did as I was told.

Kim sat down beside the boy. He was almost _pretty_ , in a way a guy would normally be ashamed to be. His face was gentle, almost, his eyes brown and bright. His auburn hair was probably the same length as mine, a little shorter perhaps, but looked soft and doesn’t fall over his eyes in the irritating way that mine does. There was something angelic about him.

Until he grinned. Then he looked like he fit right in with Maddie and her dark exterior. “Lucas.” He winked at me and I blinked back in response. _What was I supposed to say to that?_

Kim elbowed him and he yelped, questioning her glare with a look of confusion. “ _What?_ ”

“Stop teasing him, you creep!”

They began bickering in a way that reminded me of me and Jean. I quickly pushed away the thought. Jean was a buzz kill, even in my mind. I’d handle him when I got back to school.

“So, first time, huh? You listen to much music?” Maddie’s question almost seemed like a threat.

“Not too avidly,” I admitted sheepishly and Maddie smiled, almost fondly, at the response. I scratched the back of my neck. “I can appreciate though.”

“I like you already, Eren.”

That was a weird feeling so I just smiled back at her, in what I hoped as an uninviting but thankful way. Maddie didn’t seem like my summer romance type either.

Maddie turned away to cut through the argument across the table. “Hey, Kim, did you find out?”

“Yeah, I think they’ve been here for a while. I was going to tell everyone waiting that it was pointless but, eh, let them wait in the cold. Gets _us_ a nice view of the stage.”

“Of Irvin, you mean.” Lucas wiggled his eyebrows and Kim elbowed him again. “Stop doing that!”

“Unlike _you_ , I actually like the music. You’re only here for Levi!” When Kim argued, her bottom lip jutted out a little, giving her the look of a stubborn child. It was amusing.

“Ah, my one true love!” Lucas proclaimed dramatically, clutching his heart.

“Levi?” I echoed the name. “Who’s that?”

They all responded at once.

“I just said!”

“The star of the show. The boy is _fine_.” Maddie stretched the last word into a moan.

Kim smiled kindly, being the only one to answer properly. “The lead singer, Eren. He’s crazy talented. A little intimidating though.”

“He?” I looked at Lucas and fixed the puzzle in my mind. Lucas winked at the recognition and I blushed at my obviousness. “Oh.”

Lucas chuckled. “Eren’s gets it. And he’s not intimidating, he’s _hot_.”

“And intimidating,” Kim insisted.

“That’s because he don’t dig chicks.”

“Hey, no use of that word when describing females or I’ll chop off your balls with a box cutter! Besides, don’t flatter yourself. I doubt he swings your way,” Maddie said, sticking her tongue out at her friend.

I watched their exchange of easy banter silently.

“Come on, no self-respecting guy would wear jeans that tight.”

“I never said he was straight. I’m saying he’d never go for _you_.”

“Hey!”

“Besides, don’t make rumours. You know they never go anywhere anyway.”

I broke my silence. “Why?”

Lucas put a finger to his lips before using his forefinger to reel me closer. I leant across the table as he places his mouth next to my ear and murmured, “Bad things happen.”

“Like what?”

Suddenly, he jerked his head to the side so he was eye to eye with me. “They… _disappear_.”

“ _What?_ ” The word came out in a higher pitch than normal. Lucas burst out laughing, even as Maddie and Kim hit him over the head. I blushed harder at falling for his joke but couldn’t help but laugh along once the two girls joined in. It felt better than letting them laugh at me, that was for sure.

“Ignore him, he’s a dork,” Maddie said, rolling her eyes.

“Hey!” Lucas had a habit of using that word. “It could be true. The rumours just stop after a while.”

“He has a lot of friends.” Kim shrugged “He probably got them to go make the losers like you soil their underpants so hard, they’d never speak again.”

“A lot of friends, I might add,” Maddie announced, “that he would rather fuck than you.”

Lucas pulled a face at that before looking at me. “Eren, tell me the truth – would you bang me?”

“Uh…” _This is why I don’t talk to people often._

“Leave the straight guy alone, you ass- look! It’s starting!”

Lucas’ question forgotten, we all turned towards the stage. The tables surrounding us were all filled with eager guests, a hush falling over everyone as the lights of room dimmed and a simple spotlight illuminated a microphone in its stand and a stool behind it. I wondered briefly if the band had cancelled – this looked like a stage for some acoustic country singer – but my thoughts fled as someone walked onto the stage.

There was an immense amount of cheering but my concentration blocked it out. There was only one table in front of us and it didn’t really block the view of the guy that was ignoring the crowd as he walked towards the stool

“Fuck off, Kim. He’s gay. He _has_ to be. Look at that ass. Look at those _legs_. God, I want him to-” Lucas was cut off by Kim’s elbow again, though I wasn’t too sure; I was too transfixed on who I assumed was Levi to look back and see.

The first obvious thing I noticed was that this guy was short. Probably about 5ft and a bit. That was shorter than Armin. The second thing was that the height didn’t matter. It should have been comical. The girls – and Lucas – in the crowds shouldn’t have been swooning. He should have been the kind of guy that got bullied a lot in school and was more often than not ducking his head and shying out of situations. But he wasn’t.

He carried himself, not with confidence but with normality. He simply got on with whatever he planned to do. And right now, that was lean against the stool and, finally, spare the crowd a glance.

The third thing I noticed, as his cool, thin grey eyes swept the people sat down with no expression whatsoever, was that he was ridiculously hot. Pale white skin, bleached under the heavy lights, short black hair in a neat cut that appeared shaved shorter at the back, though I couldn’t see clearly from the angle we were sat at. Despite his height, he had built shoulders and muscled arms that strained against the sleeves of his white button-up shirt. He wore a pair of black skinny jeans – extremely tight, as Lucas so lovingly noticed – black braces pulled over his shoulders, a ruffled white cravat around his neck and some black boots. If nothing else, he played the part of the lead singer pretty well.

I heard Lucas’ sharp intake of breath when Levi’s eyes found our table. I could hear him murmuring to Kim and Maddie excitedly (“he’s looking at me, guys!” “oh my gosh!” “is my hair okay?”) but, as vain as it seemed, it felt as though Levi’s eyes – bottomless grey, heavy without expression, alert without interest – were on me.

The sensation was as quick as the locking of our gazes. My chest tightened and I wondered how I was supposed to react, as I stared back, open mouthed, flushing in confusion and irritation at myself for not knowing what to do in social situations like this. Only when he continued past me could I let out a shaky breath, unaware of the people that noticed or, more commonly, didn’t notice the exchange. I didn’t turn back towards the others, aware of the fact that my neck up to my ears were still pink.

_What even was that?_

Levi turned his head to the side of the stage, where a tall guy (not even in comparison to Levi; this guy was just tall) came up with a guitar strapped over a body that was making the crowd go wild. It didn’t take a genius to work out this was Irvin – even Kim was squealing. I could see why though. The guy was handsome – not hot, not pretty but all blonde hair, nicely structured face and fit body. He looked like the kinda guy you’d see jogging every night. He looked pretty badass in his dark jeans and black t-shirt but the right haircut and a suit and he would be destined to be the teacher at school that everyone loved and the girls (and Lucas) would fall head over heels for.

Still, whilst Irvin had the crowd’s love for his almost too perfect everything, he didn’t have the appeal that Levi did _. Though he sure does smile a lot more. He even waves. I think Kim needs an inhaler_.

Levi gestured at the microphone stand, leaning towards Irvin to say something, before sitting down on the stool, crossing his leg in a motion that only made everyone (including me) notice his muscled legs. He didn’t even acknowledge the love struck sighs from the crowd, simply watched Irvin set up his guitar before grabbing the stand with a large hand.

“Hey, guys.”

Everyone said “hello” back, some a little more clearly than others. He laughed easily and I decided that this crowd stuff was something I didn’t want to be part of. They all reacted far too loudly. Couldn’t they let the poor guy speak? He did have a nice laugh though, I’d give him that. “How are you all tonight?” More annoying reactions. _Cross off famous person from my list of things-to-try-to-not-be-useless-at. This shit is annoying_. “Good, good! Right, we did plan a full on show but, uh, Mike isn’t feeling too great and Hanji’s babysitting him. So me and Levi here” – insert more screaming that I’m sure Levi rolled his eyes at – “are just gonna play a few acoustic songs. You guys cool with that?”

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Just play the god damn songs already!”

Everyone’s eyes turned, looking for the source of the voice. I thanked the stars for my dark hoodie and dark hair; I camouflaged well. I even pretended to look around myself. Maybe acting wasn’t a terrible choice for me, despite the screaming fans.

Irvin chuckled again and I pretended he sounded a little relieved. “Good plan.” He took the mic of the stand and turned to hand it to Levi.

Who was staring right at me.

_I take it back. Acting is not the path for me_.


	2. Sixty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song that levi's band plays is sixty eight by a french band called bb brunes
> 
> enjoy!

On top of capturing the hearts of all the girls (and Lucas) in the room, the two of the four members of The Corps were also talented. I didn’t know much about music but, watching Irvin play guitar and Levi sing, I really wanted to. I highly doubted that this was where my undiscovered talents lay but, at this point, I was kinda desperate.

Levi had the kind of voice that made people squirm and sweat. It was deep and powerful and soft in his high notes and almost angry in his low. As he sang, it wrapped around the audience with its intensity, stunning those who had never heard it before and those who had heard it many times, alike. It wasn’t like the angels had descended upon us or an out-of-body experience or any of that stuff. It was just a _really_ good voice and it forced you to never look away from him.

Even when he was looking right at you.

They played some songs that I assumed were original. The first few were slow and bitter but it soon varied to fast paced melodies with uplifting lyrics that had the crowd laughing and clapping along, many jumping to their feet and grabbing hands to dance. When Lucas and Maddie grabbed a hand each and Kim pushed my back, I only resisted to tease, the whole ordeal unfamiliar and strange but lovely, all the same. I wasn’t too sure how to dance but they did all the work, twirling and laughing and clapping and stomping whenever the beat commanded them to do. I tried not to glance up at the stage guiltily for my earlier mishap but the few times that I did, I noticed Irvin grinning as he strummed his guitar heartedly and even Levi looked a little less bored. I could almost see his lips turn up but had to turn away as soon as he looked in my direction.

“Hey, Eren!” Lucas grabbed me by my arm and pulled me next to him, leaning towards my ear to yell, “So, what do you think?”

My face was flushed from all the dancing and I was out of breath so I nodded quickly to express my feelings. Lucas grinned, throwing a lazy arm over my shoulder, moving closer still to the point where his lips nearly brushed my ear. “You seem to be liking Levi, huh?”

I shrugged, an effort to dislodge the guy from my body. He was a little too close for comfort and I was never good with personal space. “He’s a good singer.”

“Bet he’s a good fuck too.”

“Well, uh, best of luck with that.”

Lucas stopped swaying to blink at my response. I used this as my chance to duck under his arm, unsure of where to go as soon as I was away from him. It felt silly to just keep dancing and Maddie and Kim were busy with another group of people to save him from the awkward situation.

“Hey.”

Everyone stopped. I felt like I was one of the few who turned straight away but most of the crowd were processing that one word before they snapped into action. Everyone was gaping at the stage, where Levi still sat, still looking bored, but had _spoken_.

The feeling was contagious. That one word wasn’t a shock to me. I had no idea that Levi was not just intimidating but he was unapproachable in a way that made me look like the Easter Bunny. The guy let the other members speak for him, I was told, after The Corps were done and I was back in the safe hands of Kim. Irvin usually did the crowd-pleasing. Levi would listen to fans, even sign things and take pictures, but the chances of a normal conversation with him were as likely as, say, Jean not being an ass. It just _didn’t_ happen.

Levi talked through his songs and, even then, he was still a mystery that was impossible to crack. He stuck with his band and his band stuck with him. Even if they had other friends, Levi’s aloofness with the world and its occupants was a topic never discussed. It wasn’t that people weren’t desperate to know; it was just never spoken about.

So, when that one word interrupted mine and Lucas’ strange exchange, I was too relieved to understand the weirdness. I spun on my heels towards the stage, where Irvin, who had just seconds before strummed the last chord of the current song, was staring wide-eyed at his band mate. Levi’s eyes were fixed in an eye roll to the ceiling above and his expression was now a little more… _exasperated?_

It didn’t take long for the guy to regret ever speaking at all. And that made the two of us. The crowd started yelling again, louder than ever. He may have unintentionally saved my ass but it wasn’t worth it if I lost my hearing in the process (though it did save me from never having to listen to Lucas talk about getting into Levi’s pants again.)

Levi waited a moment before he sighed quietly and said, “This gig here is a one off. We’ll be back to our normal stunts in the usual places you guys stalk. Do the owner a favour and not bother him, will ya?”

The crowd seemed a little surprised by the request but hollered in agreement before shouting about more songs. A few were suggestions – stuff that Mikasa played when she was cleaning, funnily enough – but most were unfamiliar, thanks to my lack of musical knowledge. The group stood nearby yelled some words that didn’t even sound like they were English. A deep voice from behind us yelled “sixty eight!” and the rest of the people in the room caught on and began chanting the number, including Maddie, who wound her arm around mine, grinning in excitement. “This one’s my favourite!”

Kim grabbed my other arm. It was strange enough, to have two girls hanging onto me, that I almost pulled away. But they were nice and were just being friendly so I just smiled, not sure what to say to their anticipation, except that I was feeling it too, language barrier aside.

Levi lazily lifted the mic towards Irvin, who was still looking at him with a furrow in his eyebrows that I doubted many people could see. The shorter man simply shrugged subtly and pushed the mic closer. Irvin cleared his throat before taking the mic and facing everyone with a laugh. “Okay, okay! We get it; you want us to play that. Levi?” Levi tipped his head forward slightly, signally a nod. “Well, then, I guess we better pull out the stops. Hanji! Mike!”

“They’re bringing out the rest of the band!”

“A proper song!”

“Mike!”

“Hanji!”

“We’re gonna see Levi shake his _booty!_ ” That was Lucas, typically.

A woman, Hanji, was dragging who I assumed to be a still-ill Mike onto the stage, waving wildly, wearing the biggest grin I had ever seen. She looked so happy to be there that I couldn’t find it in me to get annoyed with the crowd and smiled back at her. She wasn’t very tall (still taller than Levi though) but had a lean body, from what I could see of her in her oversized t-shirt and grey tights. Her hair was dark brown and pulled into a messy bun and, interestingly, she wore wide-framed glasses- no wait, _goggles_. She was also pretty hot, in a grown-up kinda way.

Mike was picking up the bass, his long brown-blonde hair covering his face as he ducked to mess around with the instrument. Irvin has ditched his acoustic guitar for an electric one as Hanji took her seat at the drums. Levi put the mic back on its stand and turned away to speak with her. From this spot, all I could see was Hanji spinning the sticks between her fingers.

Once Mike was ready to go, he ambled towards the mic and sniffed quietly into it, earning laughter from the crowd as he mock glared at everyone. “You little shits.” I laughed with everyone else. “It’s a good thing I don’t sing. My throat feels like I’ve been doing unspeakable things to sandpaper. Don’t try that at home, kids.”

“Why is everyone in love with the other three?” Maddie murmured, almost echoing my thoughts. “This guy is where it’s at.” _Okay, maybe not so much._

“Anyway, this is the last song because I feel like setting myself on fire. Drink up, you underage hooligans! You’ll deserve the hangover in the morning!” Mike yelled, moving back to give Levi his rightful spot behind his microphone.

The crowd’s favourite, named, “Sixty Eight” turned out to be a number full of dancing and crowd participating. And it wasn’t even English, mostly. It took me a moment to catch on with my bare minimum knowledge of French but Levi sang the words as easily as he would have done had they been in English, making it difficult to distinguish between the two languages within the lyrics.

Levi didn’t move around much on stage but he didn’t need to. The crowd danced wildly for him, some exhibiting and others simply enjoying themselves. As Levi tapped his foot and wiggled those strangely skinny hips, Maddie and Kim twirled me around before I returned the favour. Both of them knew the song fairly well and, though they couldn’t keep up with the French, it was fun to watch them try and they knew the English parts. I even joined in the crowd chanting.

_Comme en sixty-eight_  
 _Songs called rock and roll_  
 _Baby drives in the 68's_  
 _Songs called rock and roll_  
 _Baby drives in the sixties_

Irvin still managed to smile as he played his part whilst Mike kept his head down, tossing his mop of hair as he danced and plucked at his bass. Not many could see Hanji but from the enthusiastic drumming and drumstick tossing, she seemed to be having a whale of a time. It was hard to notice anyone else, however, when Levi dominated the stage but I tried to anyway. I really didn’t want him to acknowledge that I was the kid who was rude earlier.

_C'est tellement mieux les yeux fermés, mais quand te mettras-tu à jouer?_  
 _Jouer, jouer à faire crier les mots qui fâchent les mot demodés_  
 _Pourquoi depuis 77 de pauvres hommes traînent-ils dans la rue?_  
 _Sex, latex and rock'n'roll: ne rentre pas trop tard non plus_

No one was sat down anymore. Kim and Maddie’s earlier dancing partners joined us and no one no longer cared who had their arms around who, as long as everyone was jumping and singing.

_Comme en sixty-eight_  
 _Songs called rock and roll_  
 _Baby drives in the 68's_  
 _Songs called rock and roll_  
 _Baby drives in the sixtie-eight's_  
 _Suck it rock and roll_

Levi’s gaze ran over the crowd instead of at them. His hands ran over the stand he held, sometimes moving it to the beat of the song. Maybe it was the lighting or the dancing or the crowds of people surrounding me that made it hard to breathe but, looking up at the stage, under a simple, harsh spotlight, Levi was so unfamiliar and beautiful.

_But you win_  
 _You win_  
 _You win_  
 _You win_

And then Lucas spilt his drink over the boy he was dancing with and the spell broke. And Levi was human and intimidating again. _Beautiful, huh? Maybe Thomas slipped something into my coke_.

I looked away from his empty gaze to where the commotion was going on, just as everyone else raised their hands to clap, readying themselves for the climax of the song.

_They've stolen my beautiful_  
 _They've stolen my beautiful_  
 _They've stolen my beautiful to me_

As soon as Levi yelled into his mic and the music picked up, the crowd was done for. I wondered briefly if this whole band thing was a good idea for business when they were practically stampeding over tables and chairs but I couldn’t find it in me to care. I was completely sober and this was the most fun I had ever had. Maybe I could be a normal teenage guy, like Mikasa told me to be.

_Comme en 68's  
Comme en sixty-eight_

Levi didn’t end the song with flourish. Instead, he let go off the mic and took a step back, allowing Irvin to wave and Mike to wink and Hanji to get off her drum set and jump up and down excitedly at the cheering. I applauded them, still careful to not attract the attention of a suspicious Levi and unsuspecting Irvin, before melting back into the crowd.

*

Through the whole performance, thanks to Levi’s strange demeanour, I had considered the job of a detective. However, the dream was crushed when my future was.

I was talking about the languages I had studied in school, inspired by The Corps’ performance, with Kim, who seemed at least a little impressed with my German (I was half German, though my poor dialect would tell you otherwise.) Maddie told me about the extra class of Mandarin she was doing at university. Kim said she was less about languages and more about sport. Lucas sat, whilst we all stood, looking bored, now the performance was over. I didn’t want to look at him, afraid that I had annoyed him earlier. I didn’t know what I was meant to do. It was either push him off or punch him in the face. It was the case of a lesser of two evils.

Thomas’ shift had ended early tonight and was replaced with a newer girl and guy who I hadn’t really got a chance to talk to yet. They seemed to know me, though, because they both had welcomed me when I sat down at the counter, deep in discussion with Kim about her next swimming competition. She even invited me to come see her. I tried to find it in me to be attracted to her. She was pretty and I would give my arm to see Jean’s face when I told him I had a girlfriend. However, my arm remained at my side; the attraction just wasn’t happening. Still, I enthusiastically agreed to see her relay and we even exchanged numbers. Kim was the easiest friend I had ever made. This whole suspension thing was looking up.

“So, aren’t you going to go try talk to Irvin?” I asked, jerking my head towards the surrounded guitarist. Surprisingly, the fans were all calm, too many of them desperate to look cool and make an impression on the heartthrob.

Kim smiled a little. “Eren, look at them, all of them.” She gestured at the crowd. “They’re like _leeches_. They get hold of anyone who looks cool and they’re desperate for it. Yeah, they’re all attractive but, be real, if it wasn’t for the band status that gives them that edge; people wouldn’t care - not as much, anyway. It’s not like any of us – including me – flock here because we now that Levi’s secretly a softie or Irvin likes the same movies and type of popcorn as I do. We know nothing. We come here to get drunk and make friends and listen to good music and pretend that one of them will look our way and fall in love. But they won’t.”

“And you know that but the others” – I nodded towards a group of girls giggling at Mike – “they don’t?”

“Exactly.”

I processed that. “So it’s all about looking good?”

Kim leant forward in her stool, forcing my eyes back to her. “Here, do you know why Levi’s such a fan favourite, even though he looks ready to stab someone, like, all the time?”

“He’s cool, I guess? That’s what you’re getting at, right?”

“Yeah but the fans split up into two. Well, three, but let’s ignore us, for now.”

“Okay.”

Kim pointed at the girls closest to the door. They all watched Levi, with wide, hopeful eyes and pink cheeks. Some of them looked younger than me. _Well, they’re not drinking or trying to, at least_. “Group A: the hopeless romantics. The cool is what draws them in but the back story is what makes them stay. And the best thing about the boys that sing songs about breaking hearts as much as theirs are broken are just that – they’re _broken_ , in that glamourized way. And the people from this group think they can fix that. Or at least they pretend that they can. It’s a nice idea, for you to be the one that Levi opens up to and loves.” I opened my mouth to comment but she put a finger to my lips, shaking her head. “I’m not done. Look at Levi.”

When she dropped her hand from my face, I looked over to the other side of the room where Levi was surrounded by a group of girls and boys alike. Hanji was stood beside him, talking to everyone with an eagerness that reminded me of a playful puppy. Levi, himself, looked, like Kim said, ready to kill everyone in the room – and maybe the street. I almost smiled before he turned his head in my direction, as if he had felt my gaze on him. I gave Kim a panicked look, who giggled. “You’re so cute, Eren.”

“Uh…”

“Anyway, there we have group B: the groupies. They’re simply here for the brownie points. Sleep with someone semi famous and you’re practically famous yourself.” She rolled her eyes. “They don’t really think of The Corps as anything but The Corps, which is pretty real of them, I guess. They don’t pretend to know the band. It’s all sex. They usually develop into the A group, if they ever got lucky enough to sleep with someone from a band. Or so legend says.”

“Have they ever…?”

“Not that I know of,” Kim replied, understanding my unfinished question. “A lot of people say they’ve sucked Irvin’s dick or whatever but no one knows and, for as long as I’ve followed the band, none of them have dated anyone. Fucked around, yeah, probably. But I think they have better connections than some hormonal virgin fans.”

“So, what are we?” It was weird to be part of something so unfamiliar to my world of unfinished homework and movie nights.

“Group C: us. Bored kids that can appreciate a good piece of ass but are realistic. The only thing that’s gonna fuck us is our lives. Or maybe each other. Whatever.” She laughed cheerfully. “And it’s hilarious, ya know? We’re the only ones out of them that have a chance of what they both want. If you show them that you appreciate them but don’t idolize them, they notice you. A bit like Levi with you.”

“Levi with… _what?_ ” I couldn’t help but turn and look at the singer. He was looking at me again. Or maybe it was glaring. Actually, it was kinda like he was looking _through_ me. “Notice is the wrong word. Maybe annoy?”

“Still, I think that’s why Lucas is pouting. He’s gonna pretend that all those times Levi finally looked at someone, it was him but, really, he’s got the worst of both worlds, being both group A and Group B.” I was now thoroughly confused but Kim just grinned. “Don’t look so worried, Eren. I’m not saying that you’ve made an enemy out of a rock band and their groupies.”

“I don’t want him to hate me,” I murmured. “I have enough people wanting to beat me up as it is.”

“Ah, I was waiting for that. What the hell happened to your face anyway?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her curiosity. Soon, she was laughing with me. Summer romance wasn’t really working out but the summer friendship was doing okay.

“That’s what I would like to know.”

And then the moment, like our laughter and my good-ish night, died. And my dreams of being a detective. I had forgotten why I was even at the bar in the first place.

Pixis had arrived.

I turned slowly, gritting my teeth to avoid any unwanted screaming. Pixis stood behind me, a shadow I hadn’t noticed, and, in the dark lighting, he looked kinda scary. He was completely bald, with a grey moustache and smiley eyes, even when he was angry. “Will I need a table?”

I winced. “Probably.”

*

Telling Pixis was like opening a dam. I never got to tell my principle about what really happened so I yelled it at the guy that had looked after me and Mikasa for years. I told him about Armin, about being held down and punched, about Mikasa and Jean joining in before holding him back, about Mr Owen being a- (I had to stop myself from saying any bad words and Pixis raised his eyebrows at that) and not listening to my case and, of course, the final word: expelled for a week and a mysterious community service that was probably less service and more inhumane torture. I reminded Pixis several times that Mr Owen hated my guts and that those guys had _technically_ hit first.

In this fast-paced five minute conversation, Pixis never said a word, his hands knotted together to form a cradle where he could rest his chin on and watch me. It seemed this night was a _keep your eyes on Eren!_ special.

When I was done, I was out of breath, half stood up, palms pressed against the table and leaning towards Pixis, glaring at him as I spat out my words. Getting angry was a bad idea. More often than not, my eyes would begin to sting as my body trembled. It was all beyond my control. I couldn’t count on the fingers of both my hands how many people had been punched for noting that I cried when I got really mad.

Pixis didn’t say anything for a long time then he smiled, calmly, and said, “You’re a spitfire, Eren.”

His words deflated me. I fell back into my chair, groaning. “What else did you expect me to do?”

Pixis lost his smile then and I gulped. _This is it. The apocalypse. Tell Armin I love him and Mikasa that I did lock the door on my way out, I swear. I hope Mr Owen cries buckets at my funeral. Maybe a swimming pool. No, a_ river _._ “Eren, this is the second time you’ve got suspended.”

“I know.”

“And it’s a hassle for Mikasa because she has to take responsibility, seeing as she’s over eighteen and living with you.”

“I know.”

“And it makes Armin cry.”

“Everything makes Armin cry.”

“I know.”

Neither of us said anything to that comment. It should have been funny but it wasn’t. The tension on our heads was pretty miserable. Again, Pixis spoke first. “I can’t even ground you. Well, I could but it seems pointless to make Mikasa do my dirty work. I don’t want you getting mad at her because of me.” I didn’t say a word. “Your dad was my best friend, Eren, but we didn’t share one mind. I have no idea what he would have done, in regards to punishing you.”

I swallowed hard. Every time I did something stupid and got into enough trouble for Pixis to be mad at me, my parents were brought up and it wasn’t an easy subject.

My dad died in a car crash when I was eleven. It was a hit and run and the other driver was never caught, though the collision suggested the other guy wouldn’t have gotten far before his wounds started bothering him or his car began to fall apart. Nonetheless, no one searched for him, wiping their hands clean even as they weren’t stained with my father’s blood.

I remember long nights locked in my room. I would curl up in a corner, propped up against a wall, eyes fixed on the barely changing light outside of the closed curtains. I felt like nothing more than another shadow in the darkness but that was the objective. There was too much pain to face if I left my room. So I stayed.

I remember Mikasa would often come and sit across from me, saying nothing but staying. Her scarf would be wrapped over her mouth, hiding half of her tiny face. If she were crying, I couldn’t see it. But I knew she wasn’t.

 Neither of us would shed a tear; we weren’t strong enough to break down.

I promised myself that was the last truly selfish thing I would do, as I had laid with my fever-ridden cheek pressed against the coldness of my bedroom door, listening to my mother sob over what we all had lost.

Mikasa had lost a saviour, Pixis a best friend, my mother the love of her life and I had lost my father.

“I tried.” My voice wavered slightly. “But I couldn’t let Armin be hurt like that. I couldn’t let them think that what they did was okay.”

“And was that your idea of serving justice?”

My hands became fists. I glared at the man who had looked after our family after the passing of my father. “Well, if this situation- hell, this _world_ doesn’t tell you anything about everyone’s messed up sense of justice then I don’t know what will. Nothing is ever justified, Pixis! People die and the weak are hurt and no one does anything about it – God or authority or whoever you call almighty. We’re all caged in walls of suffering but _we_ built those walls. If I can’t break out of them then I’ll do everything in _my_ power to break this food chain.”

Pixis had heard this speech before many, many times. He was good at ignoring it. “Eren, you’re seventeen. You can’t change the world. You’re barely making it through high school.”

Point taken.

“I get it, Pixis. I get that they would have been disappointed.” My hands shook so I folded them into each other, pressing them down onto my lap. “Not just at this but at me, in general. I’ve done nothing. I’ve gotten no better at anything. All I do is fight but do you honestly think Mum would have been okay with me letting Armin take the fall?”

“Yeah but-”

“And Dad- Dad always told me to stand up for myself and Armin is part of me, Pixis!”

“Eren, calm down-”

“No! It was the right thing to do and I’d do it again and still say the same thing!” I was yelling now and anyone close enough, even in the loud bar, would hear me but I didn’t care. My eyes were blurring but I still stood, trembling as I looked down on the man who taught me how to ride a bike, who had let me curl up behind the counter when I was too afraid to go home without a Dad there to welcome me. “And Mum would have got mad but she would have hugged me and- and said- said…” I slammed my palms down on the table, my throat aching with the effort to swallow back tears. _It’s not fair. Why couldn’t she be here? Why couldn’t they both be here? Why do I have to tell myself what they’d say? Why is it so hard to convince myself that they’d be proud of me?_ “I just don’t want Mum to be disappointed in me.”

Something soft touched my hand. Pixis was always ready with tissues. Bars and crying seemed to go hand in hand.

I raised my head slightly, hair still covering most of my face, which was convenient if anyone was looking. It was bad enough crying, forget crying _in public_.

“You need to let me finish my sentences more.” Pixis’ smile was as kind as ever. He never stayed mad for long. It would have helped in the long run if I had learned that habit from him but I was nothing but a short temper and a determined soul. It got me into trouble and, more often than not, a load of messy tears. I accepted the tissue with stubborn gratefulness. Pixis could read expressions well. He only smiled more in response.

I sat back down, wiping furiously at my face, as he spoke. “They would have been proud, Eren. Not just at you defending your best friend but at you, in general. Don’t put yourself down. I mean, yeah, you failed World History pretty badly” – I shot him a glare and he raised his palms, face set in an innocent expression – “but, otherwise, you’re not too bad of a student. When you’re not getting kicked out for playing Robin Hood.”

“Sacrifices have to be made. World History was one of them.”

“Aye.” Pixis looked a little pained. “And my sanity with them. Can’t you fail with grace?”

“What kinda fail is that?”

He sighed again. He did that a lot – at least, when he was around me. “Eren, you are by far the most difficult teenager I’ve ever met. Like I said, I never shared a brain with your father but I know how he would have felt about this whole thing. And disappointed at you wouldn’t be it. Disappointed at what it had to come down to but he ultimately was a man who respected decisions, even rash, idiotic ones, like yours.” Pixis smiled softly and leaned forward to ruffle my hair. It was a habit that my parents both had done and it made my chest tighten. “And your mum would have given your cheek a good pinch before insisting on having Armin round to make sure he wasn’t traumatized at the sight of his best friend being beaten to a pulp.”

“It wasn’t that severe,” I muttered, rubbing at my cheek at the thought.

“Wait ‘til your bruises darken.”

I couldn’t help but grin. “An easy way to tan.”

Pixis raised his eyebrows. I shrugged. He laughed. Our relationship was summed up in that.

“Come on,” he said, standing up and brushing imaginary dust from his trousers. “I’ll let you through the back.” We also had the mutual understanding that, if I ever cried here, the backdoor was free for me to use. I did really like Pixis.

I was kinda sad on not being able to say goodbye to Kim and Maddie or take a last look at the band but pride before pleasure so I ducked my head and moved quickly around people, following Pixis to the door.

The back door was through the mini kitchen where Pixis stored snacks and often made breakfast. Seeing as the night was alive, the kitchen was dark and I tripped a few times trying to get towards my beautiful escape. Pixis laughed silently behind me and it was too dark for him to see my glare.

“It should be open,” Pixis called, from the opposite doorway, once I reached the back.

I nodded, even though he probably couldn’t see the movement. The door was unlocked. I opened it and welcomed the cold air with a more cheerful outlook on life, seeing as I was alive. Pixis didn’t even throw anything at me this time. I guessed it was having Armin’s tears on my side. The kid was a life saver.

“Don’t do anything stupid over this week, okay? Stay out of trouble!”

“Roger!” I zipped up my hoodie and turned back to wave, aware that the full moon filtered enough light for Pixis to see the action.

“I’m serious, Eren. I’d rather not find you in a body bag.”

“Am I that unflattering?”

Pixis’ reply was deadpan. “Get off my property.”

“Jeez, take a joke, Pixis!”

“Idiot.”

“Okay, okay, I’m out of here. Night!”

“Goodnight, Eren.”

I closed the door and stepped out. It was dark out but the moon was full so there was no chance of me falling to my death. At least Mikasa would get her wish and I’d get home safe. I wondered if she planned to come early. I got the feeling that she would. Whenever I messed up, she would leave to give me a little bit of space and then spend the rest of the time treating me like a child. If we didn’t look so different, a lot of people would probably assume we were blood relatives.

I was so deep in my thoughts on the amount of times I had been questioned on my relationship with Mikasa that I almost missed him. It was the white of his shirt that stood out, along with the alarming paleness of his skin. The smoke of his cigarette broke the air, unlike the rest of his dark clothes. I blinked, staggering to a halt in surprise and affectively sealing my fate. I had no choice but to acknowledge him. “Er, hey.”

Levi lifted his head slowly to meet my eyes. I gulped. _Okay, maybe Pixis will find me in a body bag sooner rather than later_. “Hi.” His voice was quiet and discouraging but it was too late to turn back now.

“Your performance was great.” I didn’t really have anything else to say. I couldn’t exactly compliment him on his appearance. Or the weather. It was pretty chilly out but he was without a jacket, his sleeves rolled up to reveal surprisingly muscled arms. In fact, as I moved to lean on the wall beside him, Levi wasn’t as skinny as he appeared on that stage. Yes, he was short, but built, with strong shoulders and _curves_ that defied the stereotypical laws of men and women.

“Uh.” He took another deep drag from his cigarette. I waited for a thank you. It didn’t happen. Maybe he was mad at me at me for yelling when they were about to perform but he didn’t bring it up. I hoped he didn’t. I had no idea how I was gonna get out of that one.

My lack of social skills weren’t helping with the whole awkward silence thing. “So, er, you guys been a band for long?”

He didn’t look at me when he replied. “A couple of years.” No elaboration. I’d say he was killing the conversation but I was the one who started it. _Is there a name for this kind of thing? Social suicide maybe?_

“Cool.”

He continued smoking and I watched. No one I knew personally smoked so this was the closest I had ever been. I was aware of the fact that I was going to need to jump straight in the shower when I got home and I was probably shortening my life by five minutes but I was too fascinated to care. Kim never mentioned a group D but I felt like I was in it. I was more than someone who enjoyed The Corps music, even if I had only seen them play once. Even with the tension heavy on my shoulders, I was still here, watching as Levi’s mouth formed an ‘o’ in a nifty way that caused the same shape of smoke to filter out into the air.

“Do you wanna drag?”

I blinked. _He spoke first. And now he’s looking at me_.

Although I couldn’t say because I hadn’t seen him otherwise, Levi looked good under white light. The moon reflected his pale skin, cut cheekbones and grey eyes. His eyes were thin, the pupils strangely small, giving him the expression of being constantly unimpressed. As I shook my head in answer to his question, I decided that his eyes had nothing to do with it – this guy _was_ always unimpressed. “Oh! No, I’m good, thank you!” I felt myself go pink at my enthusiastic reply. I really didn’t want to be put into Group A.

Another silence. Then he gestured a little with his cigarette in the direction of my face. “Who beat you up?”

I almost choked. _Not only can he not hold conversation but he’s about tactful as I am calm_. “N-no one really!”

Levi raised an eyebrow. If you looked hard enough, you could see hints of amusement in expression. Or maybe that was desperate wishful thinking, on my part. “Let me guess, you fell and gave yourself a black eye?”

I jumped up from my position against the wall to touch at my eye desperately, wincing when I prodded too hard. “Shit! It’s gone black?”

Levi nodded a little. I groaned and fell back to how I was stood before, hitting my head lightly off the bricks. “ _Great_. And, for the record, I didn’t fall and get this. I got it in a fight-” I cut myself short and thought about the numerous beatings I had been given today. “Well, I don’t think the black eye was from the guy. Actually, most of these bruises are from my sister.”

I almost forgot who I was talking to. Levi’s hand that was raised to take another intake of toxins paused in its journey up towards his mouth. He tiled his head towards me again, both eyebrows now raised. “Your sister beat you up?”

 _Pride before pleasure. Eren, you idiot_.

“Wait, no, not like that- okay, maybe it was like that but you don’t know her!”

Levi turned away again. “Never claimed I did.”

For some reason, it felt like I had upset him. I ducked my head, a little ashamed at yelling at a stranger. “I’m sorry.”

“What?”

I dug my hands into my pockets as I spoke, eyes on the ground. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

He didn’t say anything for a while so I looked up to find him staring at me with that unreadable expression again. It reminded me of Mikasa. _Which reminds me, I should be getting home…_

I tried not to squirm under his evaluation. He didn’t move his gaze from my face but that was enough to make me uncomfortable. It felt like he had raised a hand to touch over my features, as if I was a puzzle when he was the mystery.

Then he broke the contact abruptly, pushing himself off the wall. He dropped the cigarette carelessly and proceeded to dig the heel of his boot on it. “Anyone would get defensive if they got their ass kicked by their sister.”

His back was to me so I almost didn’t catch his words. He was already at the back door by the time the words sunk in. “Wait, it wasn’t-”

There was a sniffing sound and I stopped speaking to stare in disbelief. Either he had caught Mike’s cold or _he was laughing at me_.

He opened the door slightly before looking over his shoulder. The shadows gave him an advantage. I could barely see the expression on his face. “See you around, Eren.”

 _But I can hear a smile in his voice_.

Then he closed the door and left me with the most blindingly obvious question to think over.

_How the hell does Levi know my name?_


	3. Trampled Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the comments and such so far, enjoy!!!

The suspension was a week long, though technically it was five days because the weekend was my own. It had begun on the Friday that I had so carelessly thrown the first punch and ended the next Friday where I was forced to return back to school. The week in between was uneventful, on the most part. It was, however, the week that prompted a change in my life that was inevitable but not so much expected.

Mikasa was watching TV when I got home. She applied melted butter to my bruised face ( _yeah, don’t ask_ ) and waited for me to tell her about Pixis. I kept the explanation short, afraid to discuss The Corps with her. There were a lot of things I’d rather not happen in life and Mikasa and Levi crossing paths would be one of them.

After she was done, we both curled up on the couch. I had no idea when we fell asleep but I remembered waking up in the middle of the night with Mikasa curled on the other side of the sofa, neatly under her blanket, whilst I was sprawled almost _upside down_ , my blanket tangled between a mess of legs and arms. It was 4am and I managed to wake Mikasa up when I tried to dislodge myself from my own limbs and only succeeded in hitting the floor. She wasn’t too happy about that.

Saturday was hangover day for the people I didn’t really consider friends but hung out with because they put up with me and vice versa. It seemed anyone and everyone had been at Marco’s party. Mikasa dragged me along to get Sasha and Connie a McDonalds breakfast to cure their drinking pain. I drove with the excuse to stay in the car when they went in to get themselves some grease. Mikasa brought me back a large chicken burger meal. I thanked her and wondered if she was stupid enough to pay for Sasha and Connie then dismissed the thought. My sister wasn’t one to be fooled by teary eyes.

Sasha and Connie were best friends and good friends with Mikasa. They rarely understood the concept of tact or subtly but, then again, when I had told them blatantly to leave me alone, they had just given me food in some form of peace treaty. Three years later and I had got used to their banter. I guess I could call them friends.

Mikasa wanted to drop by Marco’s to help with clean up but I had no intention to be roped into a mess I hadn’t even created. I dropped the three of them off at Marco’s simple but well-off house (it even had rose beds in the front) and drove off before Mikasa could threaten me in. However, not before I gave Jean the finger when he looked out the window.

I ended up driving to The Rose Wall. It was either that or go home. Normally, I would prefer home but, in all honestly, I wanted to see The Corps.

I ended up sitting through Steph’s shift, into Thomas’. I left for a while, to avoid too many questions I couldn’t really answer. I came back and sat for another hour. I wasted a whole Saturday on nothing.

Levi never showed up and, at 9pm, I went home.

Mikasa was suspicious but, after drilling me with questions, even she could see that I was as confused as her. I had no idea why I wanted to see the guy or his band mates. I suppose the allure of his presence was worth testing. Would he really be so otherworldly on a normal day, without the white lights pressed against his white face?

It was a pointless question but it made me toss and turn for hours, itching with curiosity, until I screamed as quietly as I could into my pillow and curled up in an effort to force sleep upon myself. _I’m an idiot. This whole obsession is idiotic. Levi is a moody lead singer and part time psychopath. Probably. Just go to sleep._

_I would if you stopped thinking!_

_I’m you, you dumbass!_

And now my thoughts were arguing with each other. I yelled again, using the pillow to muffle the sound, before stretching out again. With a stressed sigh, I pulled the sheets closer around me and attempted to sleep for the last time of that night.

*

I didn’t see The Corps until Tuesday.

I’d given up at this point and was also bored beyond reason. I kept my late night vow and stopped myself from sitting in The Rose Wall like a 35 year old divorcee. When Mikasa asked if I wanted to go to the park with her and “the others,” I agreed, although I had to (grudgingly) promise not to push Jean into any ponds.

I kept away from Jean, hence why I barely talked to Mikasa. Marco wasn’t able to make it so Jean stuck to her like glue. She even laughed at his jokes. Half of our class was there and that half were thoroughly convinced my sister and Jean were sleeping together. I shuddered every time I looked at the two of them.

I sat with Armin instead, who had a book on his lap, typically. No one teased him (in fear of Mikasa and me breaking their faces, probably) and I let it slide. He had a few higher exams coming up so studying was essential, even if all of us – including him himself – knew he’d ace them anyway. The kid had a brain made up of an encyclopaedia.

After a pretty uneventful park date, Mikasa, Armin and I had said goodbye to everyone and headed to the bar to visit Pixis. For 8pm and a Tuesday night, the place was pretty busy. We spotted regulars that waved from behind the drunks. Mikasa would nod, I would wave and Armin grin. These were the people that had seen us every weekend for years and watched as we were measured up against the doorway leading to the back. Old faces left and new faces joined round tables of bored folk just looking for a calm night but it never felt unfamiliar.

_Not until The Corps showed up._

I shook my head to get rid of the thought, allowed Armin to drag me forward. Mikasa gave me a sidelong glance (probably wondering why I was shaking my hair like a dog after being out in the rain) but I just shrugged back at her.

Thomas greeted us with three freshly dried glasses. Mikasa and I asked for a coke whilst Armin deliberated if the sugar was a good idea when he had to sleep in a few hours to get up early for a debrief before homeroom. Mikasa rolled her eyes but it was a fond gesture. I nudged him, laughing at his confusion at our teasing.

“A coke for Mr Smarty-pants over here please, Thomas,” I ordered for him.

Armin protested weakly. “Hey! That’s a waste of energy-”

“I can bet my coke that you’ll be awake, studying away-”

“Why _your coke_? I don’t need any more energy!” Armin gave me a half-hearted glare but accepted the glass from Thomas with a gracious thank you.

“So, Eren,” Thomas asked, “how’s the suspension?”

“Pixis told you?”

“He was grumbling about it the other day.”

I took a thoughtful sip. “I can’t help it that my fists attract ‘stupid.’”

Pixis chose the right time to appear, causing me to choke on my drink. “If that was the case,” he said dryly, patting my back as I spluttered, “then you’d have punched yourself a lot of times by now.”

“Hey, Pixis.”

“Hi.”

“Hey, guys.” Pixis nodded at Armin and Mikasa before raising his eyebrows at me. “Haven’t seen you in a while, Eren?”

I looked away. Pixis was good at guessing and I’d rather he not suspect that I was just a little bit curious about a certain band that had previously frequented here in my absence. Of course, that curiosity was dead now.

_Of course._

“Been busy,” I grumbled, pushing away my drink in disgust. I could still feel the sickening tingling of bubbles in my nose and it wasn’t pretty. “Ya know, being a juvenile. Stealing flowerbeds. Terrorizing the old. Sniffing glitter.”

“Is that humanly possible?” Thomas asked.

I shrugged, mimicking his usual gesture. “I dunno. You should try it.”

“Don’t be a jerk, Eren,” Mikasa said darkly, giving me a (I’ll admit, pretty gentle) kick.

I stuck my tongue out at her. Pixis simply rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore my jokes as usual, and settled to asking Armin about his grades and grandfather. The stimulating conversation couldn’t hold my attention so I turned towards Mikasa, who looked as bored as ever. I couldn’t help but smile a little.

She didn’t look too pleased with my expression. “If you keep grinning at me like that, I’m going to assume you’ve done something you shouldn’t have. You didn’t leave the iron on, did you?”

“Of course not!” I protested before thinking about it. _Had I left the iron on? Did I even iron my shirt this morning? Wait, since when did I iron-_

Mikasa gave the back of my head a whack with the bottom of her palm. I yelped as she caught my ear to glare right into my eyes. “Idiot. I ironed this shirt.”

“Wait, really-”

Mikasa cut me off, voice as flat as ever but there was a glint in her eye of _something_. “Eren, why is that group to the right behind us staring at you?”

People often got bad feelings before bad things happened but was there a time limit to how close to the bad thing you could have bad feelings? In the moment between yanking my poor ear from Mikasa’s fingertips and turning carelessly to where my sister’s glare was directed towards. I should have thought through the awkward obvious eye contact but I was too busy trying to calm my erratic heartbeat and the churning in my stomach that was telling _this is not good_ to consider manners.

Besides, someone should have told that rock band over there that staring is rude _first_.

When my eyes met narrow bored ones, I think my world crumbled apart. Even just a little. Not only were Mikasa and Levi now breathing in the same air but they had noticed each other.

 _Hey, maybe if the world breaks in half, I can jump in that crack of ground in between and fall into another dimension. Or die. Maybe_.

Levi was the first to look away.

*

Despite the presence of The Corps, not much changed, even as my world fell apart. Mikasa, Armin and I visited the bar when we were bored which was every day during my suspension. Armin bought his homework and often helped both me and Mikasa with ours. I had a folder full of classwork that I was missing mailed right to my apartment door. Don’t tell your folks schools don’t care, kids.

Armin proved to be patient and helpful tutor to all. It wasn’t long before Sasha and Connie heard of his “magical brain powers” and had barged into the bar, desperate for the D- average to be pulled up to at least a pass. Armin couldn’t say no and I had learnt a long time ago that no never worked with those two.

Pixis grumbled about us turning his business into a tutoring service but cheered up once Sasha bought food. She said it was fuel for her learning. She stabbed Connie in the back of his hand with her pencil when he tried to steal some of her potato chips. Really, once your work was done, the twosome were great entertainment.

They were great distractions too.

Irvin, Levi, Hanji and Mike were, without fail, every day, sat at a table back from where Armin set up camp. They didn’t acknowledge us and we didn’t acknowledge them. They were mysterious, cool and quiet whilst we were young, boisterous and full of energy. Every time I yelled at Connie to pay attention to Armin (face it, the kid wasn’t going to yell at anyone himself), I wondered if Levi winced a little, even internally. I imagined he did. He didn’t seem to like the loud, unless there was music to drown it out.

The Corps – or Levi – didn’t try to approach me and I didn’t try to approach him or them. We remained on parallel tracks of awkward eye contact (well, on my part) and glasses of clear liquid and coke. We all would leave before they did but it didn’t look like they were trying to get drunk. All of them, even Hanji, looked kinda… _miserable_.

When Thursday rolled round, I couldn’t find it in me to care anymore. It wasn’t like Levi was going to try and speak to me or any of my friends. They were this cool band that couldn’t smile or it would destroy their image or whatever. Thursday was my last day of suspension and I didn’t want to spend it wondering what went on behind their stony expressions.

Armin came round our apartment after school. He offered to help me with my homework but I declined, laying back on my bed and tossing a tennis ball up and catching it lazily whilst he furiously worked through his revision. Mikasa bought some snacks and took a look at my face whilst I grumbled and swatted away her hands. The bruises were ugly but not severe. I was grateful for my insistent genes; the bruises would be gone in no time.

Around 7ish, Armin got a call from his granddad, asking for help with the groceries. Both me and Mikasa offered to help but Armin told us to head to the bar and he’d meet us there, saying Sasha and Connie wanted some last minute homework help so we should go tell them that he won’t be long. It wasn’t often Armin asked anything of anyone so we accepted without argument and headed one way as he headed another, after a cheery wave.

The bar wasn’t too empty and we arrived just as Sasha and Connie were pushing themselves through the door, debating fiercely about something (what bread choice worked best with a chicken tikka sub, typical.) Mikasa caught hold Sasha by the back of her jacket, allowing Connie to fit through the door. I followed him in, instantly burdened with the heavy gaze of a moody rockstar who sat nearby. Ducking my head, I turned away, just as someone called out Mikasa’s name from outside of the door.

“Hey, Mikasa!”

Jean entered the bar, following by Marco, who was looking around with curious eyes. Mikasa nodded at the two of them before I yanked her arm and pulled her closer to hiss, “What is _he_ doing here?” I jerked my head towards Jean. I spoke loud enough for Jean to hear, who didn’t look impressed. I didn’t care. He was breaking my safe haven. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t good for me psychologically.

“Wanna say that again, Jaeger?” Jean growled, snapping Marco out of his observant daze.

The freckled boy put a hand on Jean’s shoulder, giving him a small shake of his head, before smiling at me and Mikasa. It was impossible to glare at Marco. The guy was just _so damn nice_. It would have been creepy on anyone else. “Hey, Mikasa. Eren. How do you guys get to hang around in this place?”

“Connections,” Mikasa said simply, yanking her arm from my grasp just as Jean shrugged off Marco’s hand. “The owner is a family friend.”

Marco looked impressed. “Sweet.”

I regained my fighting stance as Jean and I glowered at each other, ready to launch myself at him at a second notice. I was on home ground. I had an advantage. Kinda.

Mikasa nudged me before turning to where Sasha and Connie had disappeared to. They appeared to be badgering whoever was working at the bar. “Eren, calm down. I invited him.”

I stared at my sister in horror. “ _Why_ would you do that? Why would _anyone_ do that?”

“Don’t be an ass.”

“No, that’s Jean’s job.”

“Fuck you, Jaeger. I’ll kick the shit out of you.”

“Horses like to kick, don’t they-” I never got to finish that particular sneer. Jean grabbed me by the front of t-shirt, just as Marco and Mikasa jumped into the situation.

“You asshole!”

“Let go off me!”

“Jean, let go-”

“Eren!”

I guessed we all looked like a right sight. Marco had wedged himself between me and Jean awkwardly using his shoulder and was tugging at Jean’s fist around my shirt whilst Mikasa held me back by winding her arms around me from under my armpits.

“Jean, I swear to God, if you ruin my shirt, I’m gonna ruin your _face_ ,” I threatened, in my darkest voice.

Marco appeared to pale a little. “Hey, hey, Eren, there’s no need in that.” He turned to Jean with a stern expression. “Jean, let go.”

“No-”

 _Wow. Nice guy Marco has a hard glare. Who knew?_ “Let. Go.”

“He called me a horse!” Jean shook me with every word. If it weren’t for Mikasa locking my hands in hers in an unbreakable vice, I would have given him a good beating.

“I don’t care!” Marco yelled back. “Get the hell off him!”

“Yeah, get off me!”

“Shut up, Eren!” All three of them screamed. I shrank back a little. _Marco can shout too. This is like something out of a horror movie._

“Jean, please let go,” Mikasa requested without emotion. You’d think she didn’t care that I was unable to defend myself (even if she was the one holding me back.) Sibling love was a strong one.

Jean stared at her for a long time before looking at his best friend then at me. His hand slacked a little and, as Mikasa let go off me, I used it his weakening resolve as my opportunity to pull myself back, furiously making sure my shirt wasn’t torn. Hey, clothes weren’t cheap.

The other boy threw back his head with an exasperated groan. “How do you live with this guy, Mikasa?”

Mikasa didn’t respond. Instead, she placed a palm on my chest (a little harder than necessary) but it did its job. I felt my chest deflate as I pushed out an angry breath and loosen all the limbs that were ready to jump into action. I didn’t thank her though. It was her fault that _he_ was here in the first place. Since when did putting me and Jean in a confined space work out?

Marco looked relieved and smiled at us all, back to Mr Nice Guy. _Definitely serial killer material._ “Let’s go sit down.”

Mikasa nodded and took hold of my wrist, as if I were a child that needed to be personally escorted to my seat. I was ready to snap at her for it until Jean cleared his throat. “Uh. Why is Sasha on the bar counter?”

Previous conflicts forgotten, we all turned to find Sasha with a knee on the counter and a hand holding the poor bar girl by her shirt, in a similar manner to how Jean was holding me. Connie was yelling and trying to pull his best friend down, without much success. He looked ready to pull out his hair. You know, if he had any hair.

My sister sighed and met my eyes for a moment before turning forward with determination. The sigh said it all. _Why am I friends with you guys?_

Mikasa pulled her sleeves up to reveal muscled arms that made Jean blink ( _well, at least he hasn’t seen it before_ ) before marching over to Sasha. I winced when Sasha was practically picked up by her armpits then dropped to the floor. My adoptive sister wasn’t one for ceremony. She was quick at her scolding though.

Five minutes later, we all sat at our usual table, with the unusual additions of Jean and Marco and still without Armin. Sasha has an ice pack to her elbow and some bread stuffed into her mouth to keep her from crying. Connie would pause his equation answering to pat her shoulder in a comforting manner. Mikasa was doing Sasha’s homework in a silent apology for dropping her a little too hard. Turns out that the poor bartender had told Sasha that they were out of food to get her off her back. Big mistake.

Marco was still looking around, dazed by the slow flood of people ordering drinks and chatting with friends. Marco could probably pass off for older but he stuck with Jean as they both watched their classmates do their homework on a night. Neither I nor Jean spoke to each other. I doubted he was silent because of politeness. His gaze was fixed past my shoulder. I gulped. _This is worse than Mikasa noticing._

“Hey, Eren. Some goth kid is glaring this way,” Jean said, eyes still on my side. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at Jean then to where he was looking. Mikasa merely watched me. _Show no fear. They can smell fear. Or in this case,_ see _it_. Jean raised his eyebrows at me. “So, what? Did you try and start a fight with him too?”

“No!” I snapped back automatically.

Mikasa stopped me from insulting Jean, with her own raised eyebrows. “Good question, Jean.”

“What?” I blinked at everyone’s intent eyes on me before shaking my head angrily. “Don’t gang up on me!”

“I’m not, Eren,” Mikasa said, with her usual calmness. “But-”

“Eren!”

The shout came from the door of the bar. My eyes met Mikasa’s in understanding at the panic-stricken cry that had silenced us all. I felt the blood leave my face and the sound of my slowly quickening heartbeat drowning out the noise around me. I was the first out of my seat.

The chair I was previously sat on clattered to the floor but I didn’t care, stumbling blindly past crowds of unaware people, towards the desperate chanting of my name. I was vaguely aware of the people that my elbows caught and the surprise of The Corps as I rushed past them, Mikasa following as Jean and the others scraped back their chairs too. But they were unimportant. They were all unimportant.

“Eren! _Eren!_ ”

“Armin!”

I barely had any time to register the shaking figure near the door of the bar before it launched itself at me. I fell back a step before wrapping my arms around my crying best friend. Mikasa skittered ahead, glaring at the door, as if waiting for a mob of thugs to come in and challenge her.

“What happened, Armin? Are you okay?” I was almost yelling, my voice trembling just as much as Armin was. He cried a lot, we all knew that, but this was different. He was making a scene and he usually hated drawing attention to himself which only meant one thing: Armin was _scared_.

“Is someone following you, Armin?” Mikasa’s voice was low, angry. She looked ready to tear anyone who dared challenged her to shreds. “What happened? Tell us.”

Armin didn’t say anything for a while but, slowly, his shaking starting to cease, just as Jean and Marco were Mikasa’s sides, eyes narrowed at potential threats on the other side of the door. Thankfully, they used their brains (as little as Jean’s may be) and didn’t speak. Mikasa did the right thing by raising her hand to stop Connie and Sasha from coming any closer. Those two lacked the ability to be subtle.

Finally, Armin pulled back to look up at me. His eyes were glassy with tears, giving them a doll like quality, only further emphasized by his wet lashes clinging together to surround them. Tear tracks ran down pink cheeks, his whole being taking on that of a child’s, even more than usual. He looked upset and vulnerable and terrified. Armin was the living consequence of injustice in the world.

“I- I’m sorry, Eren, I just-”

“Cut the apology, Armin,” I said impatiently, trying to keep calm. One crying Armin add one angry Eren equalled a disaster that this Thursday night didn’t need to see. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. I’m just a little…” Armin released the back of my shirt that he was clutching to wipe his sleeve awkwardly over his face. I searched my pockets for a tissue but Marco beat me to it, smiling kindly and without judgement as he handed one to Armin, who whispered an embarrassed but grateful thank you. It took Armin a moment to find the right word. “Shaken, I guess?”

“Armin,” Mikasa said once again, “what happened to you?”

Armin looked back and forth between us, his two best friends since childhood, before ducking his head and mumbling, “Someone b-broke into our house.”

“ _What?_ ” Everyone’s reactions were the same. Shocked at the unexpected news, I took hold of Armin, asking him to repeat what he said. _Broke into their house? Their bungalow? A small, cute place that Armin shared with his granddad since he was pretty much a baby?_ It wasn’t processing.

“Someone broke into our house and they – I don’t know how many of them there was – trashed the place. They broke in through the windows and broke cabinets and frames and kicked over things and tore up cushions and- and-” Armin broke off, his voice trembling. I wasn’t good at comforting but I had known Armin all my life and I knew when he needed a hug.

I pulled him close as Mikasa muttered, “Why would anyone do that? _Who_ could be so horrible to do that?”

“I’m sorry, Armin,” Jean said, awkwardly but sincerely. It was the closest I got to ever liking Jean. Marco echoed his best friends words, looking truly stricken.

“Are you and Gramps okay?” I asked, using the nickname the three of us used for Armin’s granddad, when he pulled back again.

He nodded, sniffing. “Yeah, he’s just scared. He’s with Mr and Mrs Craig across the road to help him calm down. I shouldn’t have left. Oh, God, I’m a terrible person-”

“Armin, be quiet,” Mikasa commanded softly. She reached out and took hold of his hand. “Can you tell us what exactly happened?”

He nodded quickly again, exhaling. “Okay, so I left and met Gramps halfway home and we had the groceries. Mr and Mrs Craig had only got back from visiting their daughter at hospital right after we saw the damage and no one else is close enough to notice. The gate was open, which could have been an accident or something, but they’d stomped over Gramps tulips at the front” – Mikasa let out a hiss, Gramps tulips were his pride and joy, after Armin – “and then we noticed one of the windows was completely smashed through. Neither of us expected whoever to still be in our house though.”

“They were still there?”

Armin did his bobbing nod to my question before continuing his recap, all without stuttering now that his eyes were dry and Mikasa and I had hold of a hand each. “Gramps unlocked the door and we were in the hallway when the guys used the window they broke to run again. We didn’t get a chance to get a look at their faces. They were too fast to chase after and the damage was done anyway. Granddad looked like he was going to pass out when he saw the couch tipped over and the frames broken but, luckily, the Craigs showed up and saw the window right away and came to investigate. Whoever only trashed the living room and kitchen. It doesn’t look like they stole anything. Everything valuable was upstairs and they never got up there. But it’s a mess and- and I don’t know what to do!”

“Oh, Armin.” Mikasa’s voice was sympathetic and sad. She pulled him into a gentle hug that reminded me that Mikasa was more than just one big mean fighting sister machine. She was my best friend, Armin’s best friend, and we loved her like she loved us. “At least you and Gramps aren’t hurt.”

“Yeah.”

I thought about what Armin had told us – about the crushed tulips and the broken windows and the people that did this. I thought about injustice. It was very hard keeping my voice level and my tempter in control. “Did you see anything about these bastards that could define them, Armin?”

The first clue was that Armin looked away. Mikasa’s eyes narrowed. “Armin. If you know anything then tell us.”

“Have you guys called the police?” Marco asked.

Armin looked relieved at the interruption, turning to the dark haired boy and nodding. “Yeah, I should head back now because they’ll need me to file a report.”

Things always sound less harsh in my head but, most of the time, they need to be said. “And are you going to tell them what you know?”

Armin flinched. That was my second clue. “I didn’t see their faces.”

“But you saw _something_.” His lip trembled at my accusation. Armin was terrible at two things and those were lying and avoiding the truth. There was rarely a situation which put him on the spot. _But there is a first time for everything, right?_ “Armin. Tell us.”

“It’s just a hunch. I could be wrong- completely wrong and-”

“Armin.” He gulped visibly as I caught him by his shoulders and forced him to look up at me. His expression was wary but defeated. There was no way I was letting him out of this one and, if by some miracle he did wiggle his way out, Mikasa was just as determined to find out who had been disgusting enough to break into a pensioner’s home. “What – did – you – see?”

“They- they looked like they were wearing…” He trailed off, clearing his throat, and loosening the collar of his school shirt, that he still wore. “It looked like they wore S-Sina blazers.” He blew out a breath as soon as he said it, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Only to be put on my shoulders instead.

I was right about what I said about anger and rationality and how they linked firmly. I was thinking about this – about my best friend’s tears and his wrecked home and his distraught grandfather – all as this weight was placed upon me. But maybe, sometimes, no matter how rational your thoughts seem to be, your conclusion will still be irrational.

Mine was.

I suppose I looked irrational. I let go of Armin calmly, as his words spun circles in my brain. He blinked up at me, confused. He was prepared for an outburst.

Well, good news for him – he got one.

I aimed to push past Armin and head for the door, not entirely sure where I was meant to find these guys but the Sina gangs had their hang out places and, right now, anyone in one of those ugly green blazers was the enemy. I just needed to get rid of this ugly anger. _Maybe anger isn’t irrational. Maybe the release of anger is the irrational part_.

“Eren, don’t you _dare_!” Mikasa grabbed for me but, for once, she wasn’t quick enough and her hand simply skimmed my shirt uselessly. “ _No, Eren!_ ”

I ignored her. I ignored a crying Armin. I ignored The Corps, who’s eyes were fixed on the scene that was unfolding before them, their eyes wide with more expression than I had seen all week. I ignored Levi, who, for once, didn’t look unimpressed.

Mikasa and Armin both grabbed at me, managing an arm each, one yelling and the other crying as they told me to calm down. It was all very ironic. “Let go of me! I’m not letting them get away with this. I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all!”

“Shut up!”

“Stop it, Eren!”

I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so angry. This rage made the school ground fight look like dog’s play. I was practically seeing red. And it all came down to one thing. _It’s not fair_.

I thrashed against the hands that I trusted more than anything else in the world, wanting anything but to hurt them but resulting in nothing less. But all my mind could accept was revenge for trampled flowers and innocent tears. It was a cruel world where the only justice you could trust was your own.

Suddenly, a stronger, much firmer grip caught me from behind, similar to how Mikasa held me back, arms winding up from my armpits to wrap over my shoulders and slam me back against a hard chest. My furious escape was forgotten as I turned back, confused, to find myself much too close to Jean Kirschtein.

His stare was too intense to a look and too solemn to be a glare. He spoke lowly, close enough that he didn’t have to yell. “Listen to me, you dumb piece of shit!”

“Fuck you! Get the hell off me, Jean!”

“For God’s sake, Eren.” He shook me as I tried to untangle myself from him. How the hell did he even manage to grab hold of me anyway? “Stop being an ass, Jaeger, and _think_.”

I paused my struggling, breathing heavily, as he spoke quickly, harshly. “You go out there and then what? You find the scum that did this and you start a fight and then what? Even with Mikasa and me on your side, we’d be walking onto their turf. And if it’s the same guys that hurt Armin last week” – I let out enraged growl at the mention, angry that they walked away with nothing, angry that they were able to walk away at all – “then they’d be expecting you. Three against God knows how many. Use your fucking brain, Eren. Do you really think we can win that?”

The red in my gaze felt like a fog that didn’t lift but began to allow normal vision to filter through. I wasn’t ready to admit defeat yet. “So what? We let them get away with bullying and trashing the house of an _old_ man?”

Jean rolled his eyes. “No, you dumbass! We leave that to the police.”

“And if they can’t find these guys? Or if they get away with it again, like the Sina lot always do?”

“Then we’ll find another way!” Jean surprised me by yelling, piercing the fog with his angry words that just felt rational in ways that mine didn’t. “God damn it, Eren! Getting the shit kicked out of us would mean we lose and I’m _sick_ of losing! I’m sick of losing to stupid rich folk that think that because their pockets are fuller, they’re better. I’m sick of seeing us get our asses beat because we’re too dumb to use our fully capable brains” – _no way did he just use his chin to knock my head? Kirschtein wants a death win_ – “and go a better way about it. You think I like seeing people like Armin get picked on and people like you wipe the gravel with their blood because of those jerks? I want to pee in their fucking rose beds as much as you do, Eren. I want to give each and every one of those stuck up, pretentious bastards what they deserve.”

“Then do it!”

“I take it back, you’ve got no brains.” Jean closed his eyes, as if he was trying to find patience from the inner depths of his brain. I resisted the urge to snap back and say he didn’t have one either. “We go now, we lose. But if we actually do something productive, we can _win_. Not in the way that you’re thinking but Armin’s proof of that, isn’t he?” I blinked in disbelief as Jean turned towards a frozen Armin. “You’re the smartest kid in school. Hell, you’re probably the smartest kid in town, right? Right?” Armin nodded hesitantly, as if unsure where Jean was going for this, which was funny, considering he was a 17 year old genius.

Jean looked back at me, his grip still strong. “We can beat them. Academically, in sports, God knows what else. We just need a little determination, I guess. But we can do it without wrecking up our faces.” He paused and added, as an afterthought, “Not that your face needs any help, in that matter. It’s pretty messed up anyway.”

I coughed but it was too late; Jean heard the laugh and he responded, lips tilting up into a triumphant smirk. I glared at him as I hid my own. “Fuck you, Jean.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Okay, I’m calm.” And I was. “Now, can you let me go? This is getting weird.”

Jean released me abruptly but Armin caught hold of me by my forearms before I could fall flat on my face. I turned back to glare at Jean but he had already turned away, talking to Marco. Mikasa met my eyes instead. I couldn’t tell if she was mad at me or not.

“So, what now?” Armin whispered.

I sighed, suddenly tired after all that raging. Guess the ugliness would have to stay put for a while. “Let’s go find Gramps. I’m sure he’s upset and worried about you too. You need to talk to the police too.”

Armin’s eyes widened. “You’re gonna come with me?”

“Of course!”

“We both are,” Mikasa said, with a small smile. She went and stood at Armin’s other side. He looked between us both, eyes beginning to water again.

“Don’t cr-” I started but it was no use. The waterworks were off. _Well, at least they’re kinda happy now? Ish?_

“You guys are the best!” Armin squeezed my hand as he leaned against Mikasa. It all felt nice and familiar, the three of us at Pixis’ bar, together, above anything else. Familiar…

 _Except for one thing_.

Neither Jean nor Marco looked our way as we left. As Mikasa pushed open the door for us, I risked a glance over my shoulder, only to find Levi’s previous seat was now empty. I followed my two best friends out into the cold air, wondering if the air at the back of the bar was polluted with cigarette fumes just like it was a week ago.


	4. Joyride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> longer than my usual aaaaaaaaah enjoy!!!

It was official. Mr Owen _hated_ me.

I was excited to go back to school. Yeah, the work sucked and I spent most of my time clenching my fists under my desk to stop myself from reaching out and sucker punching someone (probably Jean) but I was so bored, I could feel my brain cells dying.

And then he calls me up, saying that the suspension was forwarded until Monday, until he could sort out the community service. Was that even legal?

I almost threw our house phone at the wall when I got back to that news after helping Armin and his granddad clean up their place as best as we could after the police left. Mikasa had patted my back, like I was some sort of angry infant, so I managed to calmly tell Mr Owen that it was okay, yes, I was doing my homework and no, I hadn’t killed anyone in my absence, good day, sir, good day and goodbye. I even put the phone down calmly. People really underestimated my self-control.

Of course, the last thought on my mind before I fell asleep was the different ways I could kill my headmaster but whatever.

I got up early on Friday morning, which was ironic and irritating. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I showered and threw on a clean t-shirt and black jeans (they matched my mood, as sad as that sounded) before joining Mikasa for breakfast. She raised an eyebrow at my presence – I had been sleeping ‘til noon for the past week and, seeing as the suspension wasn’t over, she assumed I’d do so today – but I just ignored her and concentrated on not stabbing at the chocolate stars in my cereal bowl because of my horrid mood. Since when did someone get upset over _not_ going to school?

When Mikasa got up to wash her bowl, I jumped up. I replied to her questioning look with, “I’ll walk you to school.”

Immediately, her eyes narrowed. “ _Eren_...” My name was filled with suspicion and warning.

“I’m just gonna _accompany_ you then go home.” I put my palms up in a form of surrender. “Think of me as a temporary nanny.”

“I’m eighteen, Eren.”

“Bodyguard, then.”

I shrugged at the disbelieving look. It wasn’t even 9am and Mikasa had looked at me with more expression now than she had her whole life. She sighed in defeat and led the way to the door.

Though both of us were able to drive, gas wasn’t cheap so we just walked to school. It was only a ten minute fast walk but we were early so we took our time, arriving after twenty minutes of playing yellow car (translation: Mikasa punched me a lot then claimed that I was too sleepy to see that the car that just drove past was yellow.)

Thankfully, Jean wasn’t waiting at the gate. I had to admit, I was a little disappointed at not seeing anyone but it was for the best; I probably wouldn’t have the patience for Sasha and Connie at this time. Marco was probably with Jean and Armin had come into school early to study, Mikasa reminded me, after doing nothing last night. Anyone else I didn’t care about too much, not at this time anyway.

“Are you gonna go back home?” Mikasa asked, as we stopped a few feet away from the gate.

I shook my head. “I might go check up on Gramps. See if he needs help.”

“That’s nice of you.”

“I’m a nice guy.”

“Tell that to Jean.”

“I would… ya know, if he listened to me.”

Mikasa rolled her eyes as she accepted my goodbye hug and said, “Stay safe. Don’t die.”

“You need to think of a new goodbye. This one got creepy years ago,” I teased, ruffling her hair before stepping out of the short embrace.

“I’ll see you at home.”

I nodded and watched as she entered the school gates, talking to no one as she hurried up the steps and into the building, her red scarf blowing slightly in the wind.

Gramps’ bungalow was near to Pixis’ bar. I headed in that darkness, wondering if Pixis still opening up on a morning sometimes. I wouldn’t mind grabbing a can of something fizzy before I got to work cleaning up after those Sina bastards, plus it would be nice to get something for Gramps too. He hadn’t been in a good state yesterday and I was almost glad that I had this day off to keep him company and help him. Armin and his granddad were very similar, as were my feelings for both of them: fiercely protective.

 _Must be my lucky day, kinda_. Pixis’ Ford Focus was parked up front, signalling his presence. I wondered if he had gone through the backdoor but I was too lazy to check and, instead, insisted on tapping obnoxiously on the darkened glass of the front door. I peered past the ‘closed’ sign, able to make out a shape moving around near the counter. He definitely had no excuse now.

It seemed Pixis was adamant to ignore me. Maybe he just wasn’t in the mood for customers. I decided to yell in, “Come on, Pixis, open the door! I know you’re in there!”

The blur at the counter stilled at the sound of my voice. I grinned, triumphant. “Seriously, open up. I’m not getting any younger out here!”

Unfortunately, Pixis was only planning to let me in if I had a head full of grey ( _or a head full of nothing, a bit like the poor guy. Ha!_ ) so his walk to the door was  slow, leisurely…

_Wait a second. That’s not Pixis..._

And cautious?

The figure stopped, close to the door, but not close enough for me to make out anything except that they were not Pixis. They were too short to be. It defied my morning logic and probably my general logic too. Pixis’ car was here so he had to be, right? And who was this person, watching me silently? They weren’t tall enough to be any of the workers that I knew had the key, unless Pixis had hired someone knew recently. No, that wasn’t it; he couldn’t afford to take on anymore new staff right now, not after the last two.

It could be a kid – they had the height to be one. Maybe it was someone he knew but what youngsters did he know besides me and my friends? And they’d have to be someone close to Pixis so none of this was adding up well in my fuzzy brain.

I wasn’t too familiar with Pixis’ family, seeing as they lived out of the city, but the only one who could fit the bill was someone from his brother’s kids as Pixis never married or had kids himself. I had met them all a few times but my memories were hazy. It could be James. But what was he doing here on a school day? And wasn’t James taller? Then again, he was only twelve so maybe-

There was a bit of movement behind the class and the subtle sound of a key turning. I pulled open the door without hesitation, ready to ask if James was on some sort of steroid.

I found myself face to face with Levi.

“You’re not James!” I blurted out, before I could think. My mind was whirring with questions. Why was a grumpy lead singer in Pixis’ bar before opening time? Why would Pixis even let him in? _Oh, God, maybe he_ is _a psychopath. Maybe that’s why he’s at the bar every day. He was planning to convince Pixis to take him to home – probably use a sob story, orphan one, no less – so he could kill the old man, steal his car and wind up back here. His band were probably in on it too, unwillingly maybe. They did look pretty sad. He probably has dirt on them all that he’s using as blackmail leverage. Except Irvin. He’s too handsome. Never trust a guy that handsome._

Levi didn’t even blink. “Well observed.”

The blinds were shut and the lights were off but daylight gave me a good look at Levi, where my body wasn’t blocking the sight. He was shadowed, mostly, but nearly half of him was easily visible. He wore a white t-shirt, a black cardigan and black skinny jeans. His arms were crossed over his chest and his expression without expression at all. Again, he was in good lighting.

I opened my mouth but the multiple things I wanted to say ended up a gurgle of unintelligent words that probably made me look stupider than ever. Levi tilted his head to the side to watch me, probably in amusement behind the mask he wore so well. I cut myself off and groaned loudly, frustrated. _What is wrong with me?_ “No, not James. Shit, forget him. What- what is- where is Pixis? Wait, no, why are you in here?” I donned a tense stance, ready to strike the guy at any moment. “Did you break in? Did you hurt him? I swear to God, if you’ve-”

Levi sighed quietly, breaking off my rant by turning on his heels and heading towards his usual table. I blinked, still door in the open doorway, mouth twitching with urge to keep interrogating him but put off a little at the lack of response.

I stepped inside as he sat down. There was a cup at his table and, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness and my mind registered the sound of rustling, I spotted a magazine in his other hand. He lifted the cup awkwardly, holding it in a clutch from the top, and he drank silently, not looking back at me. His awkwardness left me no choice. _I_ would have to be the one to talk to him.

I had only raised my foot to step forward in his direction when he said, “Get a napkin from the counter first.”

“What?”

“Napkin. Counter. Get one.” When I didn’t move, he glanced back at me. His expression was barely different, only the ends of his mouth tilted downwards slightly to show his displeasure. “Do I need to draw you an instruction manual?”

I jumped at his snappy tone and, without thinking, did what he was asked. It was only as I placed the napkin down next to him that I realised that I had just followed a (rude) order, with nothing to gain.

I stood awkwardly beside him, close enough to notice things that I had missed when I first met him, like the undercut he sported and his elegant hands with long fingers that reminded me of piano keys and smooth notes of music. Then, he grunted quietly, sounding displeased, and I was reminded off the fact that he had never even said thank you. He put down his cup and magazine to snatch the napkin from where I had placed it and was looking at the spillage of a dark liquid that was probably coffee. You could have fooled me; Levi looked at it like someone had drank too much on a particularly wild night and left their mark on the table that he currently had the unfortunate fate of sharing. I wasn’t seeing his dilemma; It was a god damn _coffee_ spill.

It was a bad idea but I spoke anyway. I couldn’t bite my tongue. “You’re _welcome_.”

He paused, for a few seconds, at most, but then went back to his ferocious scrubbing before folding the napkin, using the tips of his fingertips warily. He looked at it then up at me, squinting as if the sun was shining behind me, and I accepted that, whilst he was rude and irritable, he looked good in any light. I thought back to the bands that Mikasa liked enough to stick posters up on her bedroom walls. Maybe it was a musician thing? Or maybe it was a Photoshop thing, even though he was pretty real, sat right in front of me.

 _Well, in this case, Levi is one lucky guy. With a face like that, even I’d smile more often_. I almost laughed out loud, consequently, into Levi’s straight-mouthed, uninterested face.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when he ignored me – I had barely been around him and he’d already given off the vibe that told me he didn’t want me or anyone else around – but, ignorantly, I was. He raised himself slowly from his chair and walked past me, as though I hadn’t spoken. It took a moment for me to process that he had completely brushed me off and, by the time, he was back, I had a monologue prepared.

I also shouldn’t have been surprised by that monologue never happening, though Levi finally responding, after all that show of leaving me hanging then coming back to resume what he was doing earlier (sipping coffee, flicking magazine), _was_ a pretty big shocker. “You just accused me of murder. I thought common courtesy was dead.”

Seeing as quite a few minutes had passed since I had subtly suggested that he had possibly murdered my godfather, I forgot what he was even referring to. When it clicked, I visibly jumped and I could honestly say there was exasperation behind the boredom in his whole exterior. I wanted a reaction, not a death sentence.

But whenever I was given a verbal shovel, I just kept digging. “Hey, he’s not here. I assumed the worst.”

Levi didn’t even pause. The flow of conversation had begun – awkward but still a flow. “No shit.”

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. I didn’t want to sit down, in case that annoyed him and he threw his coffee at my face. It seemed possible. “So, er, where’s the rest of your band?”

“I could say the same thing about your entourage.”

“Entourage?” _Does he talk like this on a day to day basis?_ It wasn’t a question but I answered anyway. “And they’re at school. I’m suspended.”

“So I’ve heard,” he replied dryly.

 _How does he know that?_ “Uh, so the band?”

Though he was staring back at his magazine, I could make out that he wasn’t really reading it but simply staring it. It was something Mikasa and Armin did often. He didn’t answer until I repeated the question and he raised his head to regard me as someone would look at an annoying child. Mikasa and Armin also looked at me like that a lot sometimes.

Finally, he said, in a voice that matched the way he looked at me, “How am I supposed to know? They’re not my babysitters.”

 _And there’s my cue to leave_. I shifted back on my heels, raising my palms in surrender. “Okay, okay. I was just asking. Jeez.” Resisting a sigh, I turned, confused as to where I could go ( _I couldn’t exactly leave Pixis’ business to his killer, could I?_ ) but aware that the longer I stood in close proximity to this guy, the higher chance I would be next on his hit list.

A sigh replaced the one that I suppressed. I glanced around the room, as if expecting one of Levi’s band mates or a stray drunk to be the reason for the quiet sound. My eyes only found Levi.

He rolled his eyes when I stared at him then flicked his wrists, fingers directing my gaze to the chair across from him. His undecipherable expression told me nothing. “You don’t have to leave.”

Yes, his implication wasn’t very inviting but walking away felt close to suicide. I sat down gingerly across from him. He was now doing the thing where he stared at me for so long that it was just plain unsettling.

Shockingly enough, he was the first one to speak. “Your bruises look better.”

 _So that’s why he’s staring at me_. “Mikasa is used to treating them.” I shrugged. “Plus, I’ve got lucky skin.”

“Mikasa?” If I closed my eyes and blocked out his unchanging expression, I could pretend he sounded almost curious.

“My sister. The one with the red scarf.”

“She’s your sister?” His eyebrows were raised slightly. Or maybe it was the trick of the dim lighting; he looked good in that too. If there was anyone that could advertise a case of real life Photoshop, it was this guy. It made me want to go home and do sit ups until I cried, which would probably be halfway through the first one.

“Adopted, I guess.”

“You guess?” _It sounds like he’s laughing at me but I can’t tell_.

“W-well, I know.” _Oh, God, now I’m stuttering. But he keeps staring at me like I’m the one that could have possibly murdered a man_.

He nodded once, subtly. “So… she treats the wounds she inflicts?”

 _Okay, he’s definitely laughing at me now_. I lifted my chin in an attempt of dignity. “Yeah and she also cooks dinner.”

“Did you say she was your sister or your _wife_?”

It took me a minute to think of a witty response to that. “Shut up.”

I waited for a possible punch in the face but it didn’t come. It felt like I was trying to have a conversation with Mikasa. The similarities between the two of them were disturbing.

“As you wish.” I was so preoccupied with my thoughts on Levi in a red scarf taking down Sina Academy gangs with a flick of his wrist and making me lasagne that the silence took it’s time registering, as did his words. I really wasn’t on the ball this Friday.

“Wait…” _What was the last thing I even said to him? Oh, yeah! Oh… no_. “What? _No!_ Don’t shut up! I was kidding! Uh, you don’t need to shut-”

“Eren,” he interrupted smoothly. I blinked. _There’s the fact that he knows my name too. How does he know these things? There can only be one true detective in this room_. “I don’t need to shut up but you do.”

Swallowing nervously, I nodded. I just really didn’t want to die.

Or maybe I thought I didn’t but there was something psychologically that was making me keep speaking out even though it would probably end up with me in a body bag. _Well, if Pixis is already floating around in heaven then he won’t have to see me in a body bag. I haven’t broken any promises_. “How… er, how do you even know my name?”

He did another one of those smooth, quick replies that went against his usual style of conversation. “How do you know mine?”

“How do _you_ know _I_ know your name?” I challenged, grinning triumphantly.

“You don’t know who I am?” Levi was finally showing emotion and he sounded enraged under the cool steel of his usual hard tone. He looked up from the magazine to glare fiercely at me and I felt my stomach drop to the floor. _This is it. This is how I die_.

“No, no! I know,” I insisted, panicking enough to break a sweat. _I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die._ “You’re Levi-”

“Exactly,” he broke in and my mouth fell open at the slight flicker of a smile on his face. Then again, it could have been a grimace and it was pulled back into that demanding, unreadable look he wore so well before I could even contemplate the idea of a smiling Levi. “So, how do you know my name?”

We were back at square one but roles reversed. I threw up my hands and groaned, frustrated and embarrassed. “Stop that!”

“Stop what?”

“ _That_.” I gestured wildly at him and I could have been talking about anything, from his unapproachable manner to the colour of his cardigan. “The whole answering questions with questions thing.”

He shrugged and that was the only answer I got. I groaned again and dropped my head to the table. Half the time, I was sure he was laughing at me but there was no denying that Levi’s conversation skills were border line painful. “Can’t you just answer a simple question? It’s not that hard to give a nice guy some answers.”

“Oh, yeah sure.” He had the kind of sarcasm that didn’t even sound like sarcasm. “You’re such a nice guy, going around accusing strangers of murder.”

_Note for next time you say something stupid, Eren: Levi holds grudges._

Of course, I had to defend myself, lifting my head up to narrow my eyes at him in what was meant to be threatening but probably looked like I was in pain. “Look, all I know is Pixis’ car is out there and he- he isn’t in here. It’s simple mathematics-”

“There should be a law against suspending idiots, for the sake of humanity.”

“-so did you steal his car as well as his life?” I finished, ignoring the fact that he called me an idiot. I was so used to that term being thrown around at me that I just winced in reaction without feeling hurt at all. _Well, it did hurt a little. I’m not_ that _much of an idiot_.

Tell that to Levi; he was looking at me like I had just asked if we could go play hop scotch in busy traffic. His voice was wry. “Yes, I joyrode around town in a Ford Focus on a Friday morning. That’s _exactly_ what happened.”

Pixis did it again. He popped out of nowhere. “Not all of us have heavy pockets, Levi. Stella is a fine four wheeler.”

I jumped in surprise and turned to see him coming out of the backdoor. “Pixis!” I bit my tongue before I could add _you’re alive!_

He was carrying two boxes without much difficulty, for an old man, but I got up onto my feet to help him until he shook his head. “It’s okay. I’ve got them.”

Levi grunted at Pixis’ comment but didn’t reply otherwise, looking back at his magazine. This time, he was actually reading it.

I answered for him. “Stella? You _named_ your _car_?”

Pixis disappeared behind the counter to place the boxes on the floor but called out above it. “She’s not just a car.”

“This is so creepy,” I muttered. Levi glanced up at me with (guess what?) no expression before continuing his intense column reading.

Pixis was back at his full height and was now shuffling around. I guessed he was looking for something to cut the boxes open with. “Stella’s a fine one. Been with me for a real long time. Do you even own a car, Levi?” _What is it? Everyone Ignore Eren day or something?_

“Yeah. Porsche. Panamera.” Levi side-eyed me. “I don’t need to steal anyone’s car.”

Pixis whistled at the make Levi mentioned, whilst the blood went up to my neck and face in embarrassment. I’d rather he didn’t tell Pixis that I thought he was dead, Levi had been the one that killed him and I was just sitting around with his murderer, discussing vehicles and answering questions with questions.

“Impressive,” Pixis commented. Then, he looked at me. _Alive Pixis is just as much of a threat as Angry Levi. I’m screwed._ “Eren, care to enlighten me as to why you aren’t in school?”

I gulped and rose shakily from my seat. “Wait, let me explain this one. I’m really, _really_ not at fault here.”

“Why do I find that hard to believe?”

I didn’t look at Levi. I was too preoccupied with trying not to get killed – take two – to wonder what he thought of the situation. “No, for real, not my fault. I was all ready to go back but Mr Own is a bad word. Sounds kinda like mustard, closer to custard. A, _B_ , C-”

Pixis turned away from me as I hopped onto a stool at the counter. “What did he do?”

“Suspension extension,” I explained. “Community service hasn’t been finalized or whatever so I’m not allowed my basic right to learn. People die for this, you know?”

I could hear the eye roll in Pixis’ words. “The way you’re going, you’re adamant to join them.” He paused and glanced over his shoulder at me, regarding me the same way you would look at a particularly ugly moth that had found itself into your room. “Why are you here again?”

I breathed out a quiet sigh of relief at him dropping the subject of my suspension. “I’m heading to Gramps’ to help him clear up a little more. Figured a coke would help me stay awake.”

He didn’t even turn this time. “I’m closed.” I didn’t say a word and the silence was only broken by the rustling of Levi’s magazine. The guy didn’t even make a sound when he sipped. It was eerie. Pixis sighed after a while and nodded, even though he still had his back to me. “Hang on, then. We got new supplies in this morning so I haven’t opened them up.”

I watched as he found some scissors and knelt down to stab at the first box with them, cutting it open with surprising difficulty. “So what happened exactly with Armin’s home? Those two handsome lads that were with you guys yesterday told me a brief breakdown but I never found out what really happened.”

“I really hope you’re talking about Sasha and Connie here when you say ‘handsome.’ I’ll forgive you for thinking Sasha is a boy,” I commented, miming a gagging motion.

“God help those two. You’re lucky Marie didn’t press charges.” Marie was the bartender that Sasha almost traumatized yesterday.

I frowned. “Okay, not Sasha then. How about Connie and Marco? They fit the bill as handsome, right? Marco’s pretty nice, when he doesn’t look ready to kill someone.”

“You’re good at attracting psychopaths, aren’t you, Eren?” He hit the nail on the head. I could almost feel the burning gaze of two, small, Levi’s-pupils-sized holes into my back.

“How could you find Jean _handsome_?” I grumbled. I paused before whispering, “Speaking of psychopaths, why’s he in here?” I gestured subtly with my thumb at where Levi was still rustling pages.

Pixis shrugged, still attacking at the box. “Business.”

“You told me you were closed.”

“That’s because I don’t like you.” I snorted and Pixis almost smiled. “So, answer my question – how’s Armin?”

I sighed, pulling myself up to a crossed legged position, before replying. “He’s okay. A little paranoid but he’s a careful kid.”

Pixis hummed in understanding. “How much was wrecked?”

I recounted the damage that was done. Pixis was now tearing at the boxes with his bare hands, bobbing his head every so often to a reply of mine, his back to me. Of course, I couldn’t retell the tale of Armin’s tears and Gramps’ home without my voice trembling with anger and my fists forced in front of me, on the counter, to stop them from punching something. I told him about the convenience of the insurance Gramps had but ended with the classic, “It’s not fair.”

“Just because there’s a solution doesn’t mean the problem should have happened.”

“Exactly! Why would you try to ruin a senior citizen’s house, for God’s sake? There a low and then there’s just- just wrong! And it’s so hard not to be as ignorant and think that money changes a mind-set but it does. If they didn’t have full wallets and a fancy education that guaranteed them a job in a fucking swanky office then they probably would have thought twice before ruining someone’s humble home. But money flaws their ideas. They’re all rich stuck-up assholes and Armin’s worth a hundred of them!”

Pixis didn’t comment on my swearing. I carried on. “And the worst part is… they get away with it! They get away with it all and it’s a joke! If justice is bought then how is that justice at all? No one gets what they deserve, not when a few coins can give you the advantage in the world that you’re not worthy of. It doesn’t matter that on weekends they’re just another face in the crowds because we’re walking different streets. We’re seeing different things. But I’d give anything to bring them down to size. You put the bully in the victim’s spot and it changes everything. I want to make them to walk the same streets with the same perspective we do.”

When Pixis replied, it was after a long pause. “Just because someone deserves a certain justice doesn’t mean you have the right to deliver it. You’re not God’s hand.”

My anger simmered down as I laughed shortly. He didn’t mean it as a joke but I took what I got. “When did you turn holy, old man?”

“There comes a time when you’re either satisfied to believe in nothing or desperate to believe in something.” He sighed loudly as he stood up straight and turned towards me, coke can in his hand. He grumbled his next words. “Here’s your goddamn Coke. Next thing we know, supplies will be padlocked.”

I murmured a thank you and added, “Oh and a fizzy water for Gramps please.”

“Don’t old men drink coke?”

“I don’t want to give him high blood pressure.”

Pixis rolled his eyes. “Sugar levels, Eren.”

“Whatever.”

“You need to stay in school.”

“I would…” I trailed off dramatically, pretending to think about his statement. “If the school actually let me in!”

“I take it back. You’ll probably give poor Gramps high blood pressure too, you idiot.” He turned away to scourge for my request so his next words were muffled (probably deliberately.) “But it’s considerate of you to go help, Eren.”

I smiled.

Seeing as I only had some money for emergency bus fare, I sidestepped paying Pixis by hurriedly grabbing my goods and backing away subtly as I babbled on about Armin’s granddad waiting for me. Pixis wasn’t a fool; he told me that he was already docking my future wages. I tried not to think about that too much.

As soon as I was in clear sight of Levi, I turned to look at him. He put down his cup and was now simply reading the magazine. I wasn’t close enough to see if he was actually reading it and figured pretending otherwise would be an incredibly false pretence. It felt awkward to just leave without saying anything but it felt just as awkward, standing there, trying to figure out what to say. Levi, I had concluded, was like talking to a marble sculpture – beautiful, mysterious, probably full of stories, but unresponsive. _Plus talking to inanimate objects is creepy_.

“Uh, see you later,” I called out unsurely. Thankfully, he didn’t flat out ignore me (I got that enough from pieces of art, thank you very much.) He looked up and turned his head towards me then tilted it forward a little, though that could have been me imagining things. I took it as a goodbye, anyway. “Have fun, uh, joyriding that Porsche of yours.”

“I can’t joyride my own car.”

 _Oh_.

I shrugged, as though I hadn’t just spoken complete idiocy. “At least, it’s legal?”

I was too far to see his eyes roll but I definitely wasn’t surprised that he ignored my reply and looked back down at his magazine. _Oh, well. Better than nothing. I’m alive, at the very least_.

Waving and calling a final goodbye to Pixis without turning, I tucked the drinks under my arms and headed out to do my good deed for the day.

*

I ended up helping Gramps clean up all day, replacing (much needed) algebra tests with cleaning up feathers and glass and making the poor man tea when he looked ready to collapse. He was a short, happy-looking guy so the frown tattooed to his face was both upsetting and angering. I managed not to rant whilst I brushed up, not wanting to upset him anymore than he already was, but, by the time Armin got home, Mikasa walking protectively at his side and Jean and Marco trailing behind, I was almost shaky with relief. I needed to find the nearest pan to yell my frustrations in.

I settled for Jean.

Armin had called a cheery, “hey, Eren!” when he saw tending to the poor broken flowers at the front of the yard. I was trying to take out those that could be salvaged to safety in some flower pots Gramps had and dispose of those that had met their death. I had told Gramps to go inside whilst I did, have a rest, take a nap, whatever. I didn’t want him to look at the tulips any longer than he had to.

I smiled at Mikasa and Armin, nodded at Marco (admittedly, I was still a little frightened of him) and gave Jean his regular glare. He glared back just as heartedly. Armin hurried ahead, pulling Mikasa along, so I got up to accept their hugs, careful not to touch them with my mud covered gloves.

“Have you been here all day?” Mikasa sounded surprised.

“Don’t say it like that. It hasn’t been that long, anyway.”

“Wow, Eren, that’s awesome!” As worrying as Marco’s killer alter ego may be, his optimistic tone did make me grin.

“Just call me Eren Jaeger, divine helper.”

Jean opened his mouth. Marco elbowed him. He closed his mouth again.

“How much have you got left to do?” Armin’s question was anxious and guilty so I gave his shoulders a hopefully comforting squeeze. He smiled gratefully and added, “We could help!”

“I’m just about done,” I assured him, removing myself from the embrace of my best friends to peel off the gloves and drop them on the edge of one of the empty pots. “I could use a drink or something, though.” My morning can had long been finished. I avoided thinking about it because that led back to the thought of Levi being alone with Pixis and killing him whilst I pulled at weeds. _I take it back. I’m a terrible person._ “I get the feeling that Gramps is taking a nap. He’s been working all day.”

Armin sighed. “He’ll probably sleep through any noise we make so come on in. Is the door open, Eren?”

“Yeah.”

It took a lot of tongue biting to stop from telling Jean that animals weren’t allowed inside, plus the idea of Mikasa ruffling my hair and telling me I was just as much of a mongrel was something I’d rather avoid. The image was far too predictable.

And there was something else I needed to say to Jean anyway.

They all headed towards the door that Armin held open, acting out of politeness as well as trying to be a good host, until Mikasa pushed it open for the three of us. Jean surged forward in his usual manner until I grabbed the back of his jacket.

I wasn’t surprised that he nearly attacked me.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he screamed, tearing himself away and almost tripping in the process. Marco, as helpful as ever, quickly balanced him.

“Don’t make a scene. I just needed to talk to you for a minute.” When Jean still looked at me like I’d grown a third ear, I sighed impatiently. “I’m not going to attack you.”

“You sure?” Mikasa sounded sceptical and even Armin looked worried that I was going to start a fight on his front lawn. _Friends, huh? What would I do without them?_

“Positive,” I replied sarcastically, making a shooing gesture at them. “If you hear screaming, you can come out here and punch me yourself.”

Mikasa missed the sarcasm and shrugged. “You said it, not me.” She didn’t give me a chance to reply and tilted her head to signal for Armin and Marco to follow her inside.

Jean stood awkwardly in front of the now closed door as I shifted on my feet, trying to figure out how to do this. It wasn’t like I said nice things to Jean often. I didn’t even say horrible things often. I tried to avoid him altogether. Me and Jean were on parallel tracks of bitter hatred.

Most of the time.

I decided to do what I do best – I blurted it out. “Thanks.”

He looked at me with wide eyes that said he heard what I said but didn’t quite believe it. His eyes scanned me as though he was looking for a knife at my throat. “ _What?_ ”

I glared at him. “Thank. You.”

Here came the part where he was just plain confused. “What the hell _for_?”

“For being born, jackass,” I said, through gritted teeth. I never knew it could cause someone physical pain to be thankful. “You actually talked sense yesterday, when you stopped me from going after the Sina guys that did this.”

“As opposed to me talking anyway?” _Hang on a minute… is he getting mad at me for thanking him?_

“I’m saying thank you, God damn it!” I was openly yelling now. Mikasa was probably on her feet already. “Just accept it then start being your usual annoying self.”

I expected Jean to insult me, as he usually would, but, to my utter amazement (and probably the biggest shock to the whole of humanity), he looked away and started…

_Oh, God. Is he blushing?_

“Well. You’re, uh, welcome.” His reply was a pathetic mumble under his breath but I accepted it, for both our sakes. _Who the hell blushes when they’re thanked anyway?_

I nodded once, even though he probably couldn’t see the gesture because he was staring intensely at the ground. The whole ordeal was difficult and awkward but it was bearable. And best part yet, Mikasa hadn’t come out to kick my ass.

Since Jean was stuck in a permanent look that was in between utter embarrassment and just plain _horror_ , I side stepped him, heading inside. All I wanted was to forget that this ever happened. _Note to self: don’t thank Jean._

_Edit: don’t ever do anything stupid enough that he has to ever help you that results in thanking him._

_Edit (again): just don’t do anything stupid._

He followed me in after a few seconds and we walked in silence, not looking at each other. It was less awkward than talking but more unfamiliar than arguing. I accepted it.

Armin and Marco were talking comfortably when we entered the kitchen whilst Mikasa was pouring some juice into two glasses. She didn’t say a word but I suspected some sibling pride that I hadn’t got my ass kicked by Jean or her. I glared at her as I snatched the glass she held out towards me. She smiled a little.

Jean sat down next to Armin whilst Marco lounged against a wall and I swung myself onto the counter Mikasa has her elbows propped on. The discussion settled around Armin’s next tests and who he was up against in Sina. Whilst Armin didn’t have the obvious desire to set fire to some dark blazers, he was determined to win this one. I was proud that he was confident. The little genius deserved this.

“I’m sure your studying will pay off,” Marco remarked, in his usual assuring manner. “I’ve heard that you’re getting the highest grades in this side of the city. Maybe even the whole city!”

Armin flushed slightly. “N-no, no! I’m not _that_ good.”

Marco laughed, a cheerful sound. “Don’t be modest. We’re proud of you.”

Mikasa nodded as Jean hummed in agreement and I added playfully, in a child-like voice, “You’re our little pride and joy, Armin.”

He rolled his eyes at my comment. “You _guys_ …”

“You’re pretty much guaranteed to get a job out of your grades anyway,” Jean said absentmindedly.

“A doctor.”

“A teacher.”

“Something smart.”

Jean rolled his eyes. “Great deduction, Mikasa.”

She shrugged simply. “Don’t limit him. He can be anything he wants to be.”

“Like a race car driver.”

“Baker.”

“Librarian?”

“Sock maker?”

“Rockstar!”

Jean leaned back and stretched out his arms, making a frame with his fingers at Armin’s laughing face. “I can see it now. Armin Arlert, professional heartbreaker and terrible singles artist.” We all laughed.

“Maybe if we dye your hair black. That will suit the image better.” Marco’s suggestion was almost serious.

I quickly dropped from the counter and hurried towards Armin. I wrapped an arm around his neck and protectively shielded his blonde locks, as though they were literally golden. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! No one’s touching Armin’s hair!”

Even Mikasa was laughing at this point, unsuccessfully trying to hide behind her scarf. Marco raised his hands in surrender. “Just a suggestion! And look, he already has a bodyguard!”

“Sorry, Armin,” Jean said solemnly, “you’re probably gonna get murdered.”

 _Yep, definitely not apologising to him again._ “My fighting skills aren’t that bad, asshole!”

“They may not be but someone will probably aim to kill you and kill him instead!”

Suddenly, Mikasa was in front of the two of us defensively, glaring down at Jean. Armin’s whole body shook under my grasp and I guessed it wasn’t because he was afraid of dying under my watch. The scene was comical. “No one’s killing my boys.”

This was the part where Marco cut in, making a flattening gesture with his hands and smiling a little nervously. “Guys, guys, no one’s killing anyone. Besides, Armin doesn’t seem like the rockstar type.”

Mikasa sniffed, still challenging a half mocking, half slightly terrified Jean with her death look, until she sighed and moved back to stand next to me. I let go off Armin, who just laughed. “You guys are the biggest dorks I’ve ever met.”

“Says the genius slash rockstar.” Jean’s teasing made Armin smile.

“I’m not a rockstar!”

“Speaking of rockstars,” Marco murmured, “do you guys remember those guys from the bar yesterday? They sat on a back table. Jean pointed one of them out, didn’t you, Jean?”

Jean didn’t answer but joined Mikasa in giving me a hard look. I tried not to make my swallowing visible.

“The short guy. He’s familiar. I don’t know why or how but I feel like I’ve seen him around,” Marco continued thoughtfully before looking at each of us in turn. “Does it seem that way to any of you?”

We all shook our heads. Jean had finally stopped staring at me but Mikasa’s eyes were narrowed. I carefully ignored the questions in them and cursed kind Marco for sealing my fate. I hadn’t even wrote a will yet. How inconvenient.

“Well, he definitely doesn’t have one of _those_ faces,” Jean said, sounding bored. “Like Eren does.”

“Wait, what’s wrong with my face?”

“What _isn’t_ wrong with it?”

Superhero Marco to the rescue, once again. “I don’t think Jean means that. He means Levi doesn’t have a face that could be mixed up with someone else’s. It’s pretty distinct, which is why I’m so confused. I don’t get how I saw him before. I mean, I don’t think I hang around with rockstars often.” He grinned. “Unless they’re Armin.”

Mikasa’s eyes said a whole lot of things, including: _Marco may not hang out with rockstars but you seem to, Eren_. I wasn’t even trying to dig a hole this time; my grave was ready.

Marco finally shrugged, admitting defeat. “No, Jean’s right. He definitely doesn’t have one of those faces.”

“Or bodies,” Jean murmured, sounding lost in his thoughts. Personally, I didn’t think he thought that comment through before he said it.

Everyone fell silent, digesting Jean’s words, only broken when Armin choked on his laughter, unable to hold it back. The rest of us joined him. This was the second time in my whole rivalry with Jean that I saw him blush. It was pretty disturbing.

“Shut up!”

“Jean, is there something you’re not telling us?” Mikasa sang. It was weird to hear her teasing. I made a note to not let her bury me before I made my dying promise for her to _never_ under _any_ circumstances date that guy.

“Wait- what? _No!_ I meant his height!” He glared at us all but even Marco was unfazed, patting his friend on the back whilst he chuckled.

“Sure you did, Jean,” I mocked. Jean just went redder and told me to go fuck myself. I didn’t bother to think of an insult. The guy had had enough embarrassment for the day.

Once we were all done laughing at Jean (and what a glorious time that was), we just fell into a comfortable silence. I had never done this before with anyone but Mikasa and Armin but it didn’t feel bad. Jean was fun to tease and Marco was great at teasing him. It took me a minute to realise there was something missing in our group – the group was slowly becoming permanent. Or, better yet, someone.

Two someones, to be exact.

“Quick question,” I said into the quiet, “where the hell are Sasha and Connie?”

Everybody shrugged, either not knowing or not caring.

Armin thought for a moment then said, “Wait, didn’t they have their calculus test today?”

There was another one of those perfectly synchronised pauses.

“Aw, man.”

“Poor kids.”

“They’re probably eating away their sorrows.”

“Eating and crying.”

We shouldn’t have laughed but we did anyway.


	5. Nice Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE WHOLE STORYLINE OF THIS AU HAS FINALLY BEEN REVEALED  
> and it only took 5 chapters wow.................  
> anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter and thank you for all the support so far!! much love guys!!!

“ _Festival?_ ”

It wasn’t a question; it was a scream.

“Usually a day or a period of celebration, sometimes religious, sometimes annual, often a celebration or anniversary of some sort-”

“I know what a festival is. I want to know why I’m part of it!” For the record, that scream was mine. Currently all the frustrated screams of utter horror were coming from me. If someone walked past Mr Owen’s office would probably think he was butchering a small animal. _Yeah, like my_ heart.

“Mr Jaeger, please calm down.”

I had no choice. I was brought into my headmaster’s office to receive my fate at the end of the day, after being anxiously on my tip toes whilst waiting for shower scrubbing or litter picking. I had to calm down, even though I was just given my punishment.

 _A festival_.

“Trost’s Annual Summer Festival is an important tradition. Even as this once humble part of town grew into the blossoming city we know today, the festival has remained the same – unmovable and important. And a responsibility to the high schools of this city to put on.” Mr Owen gave me a hard look. “This year, it’s our turn.”

I didn’t even bother to say anything. I feared that if I opened my mouth, I’d lose any self-control I processed and end up giving the receptionist outside the door an actual butchering to listen to. _Maybe everyone else isn’t the psychopath, maybe it’s you_.

Mr Owen slid a paper across the table- no, not a paper. It was a _flyer_. It wasn’t anything fancy. A first draft said the red writing at the top right corner. It was slightly crumpled and it told students of Maria State to be proud of their school and participate, to use this opportunity as something to put on job applications and to give the city something to be proud of. Personally, the paper just looked like death to me.

“The schools in this city are competitive, Mr Jaeger. We all have our rivalries and our problems. Most of it is harmless until someone like you steps out of line.”

_This is hopeless. He’s actually fallen into the enemy’s trap and he seems to be enjoying being in the clutches of the Sina lot. Jeez, Sir, did no one teach him school before cool?_

He continued on, as if the speech was something he had spent the whole night preparing. He probably did. “From sports to academics to extra-curricular to our standing in our city, we are competing against Sina Academy.”

“And we are losing,” I mumbled, uncaring of any sort of discipline. My punishment had been set. It couldn’t get any worse.

“You’re not incorrect.” He winced, as if admitting I was right pained him. I ignored the gesture. “The annual festival isn’t always a school’s responsibility but, for the past few years, it has been a battle between us and Sina. And this year, we need to win this.”

I snorted. “Sir, in all honesty, do you really think I’m a winner?”

“No, Mr Jaeger, if you were a winner, you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Mr Owen reminded me of Pixis, when he was being sarcastic, except Pixis wasn’t evil – well, not as much.

“If Sina didn’t buy their students and you out, I wouldn’t be either,” I muttered, under my breath, knowing fully well that my headmaster could hear each word.

He feigned innocence, under a mockingly curious tone. “What was that?”

Well, two could play at that game. “What?”

“Hm.” He chose to let the comment slip. I wasn’t relieved. I wondered how bad things would have to get before he just booted me out of the school altogether. “Anyway, it’s non-negotiable and mandatory.”

I just stared at him. “But what am I supposed to _do_? If you really wanted to win this, you’d ask for someone creative and full of ideas. I don’t even have friends like that!”

“Maybe you should get some friends.” _Maybe you should get a life_. “Besides, don’t be an idiot.” _There it was. That word again._ “I’m not asking you to organise the whole festival. Don’t you think I value the reputation of this school?”

I grinded my teeth together behind closed lips as he laughed at the idea. Part of me wished for full control of this festival. Forget Sina, I wanted to ruin this school too. _How’s that for_ reputation _, sir?_ “You’re in charge of musical acts of the night, Mr Jaeger. You’ll have people to go to for advice – God forbid if the music department was ignored during this important time for the school’s credibility – but, essentially, that stage is… well, yours.”

I was so thrown off by this news that I forgot my anger. “Musical?” But not for long. “M- _music_? But I don’t know the first thing about music!”

This had been my discovery over my week of suspension. I was completely musically unaware.

_That stage is gonna burn._

“Well, learn.” Mr Owen’s answer left no room for argument but I wedged some in anyway.

“This is crazy!” I shook my head at this idea of discipline, at my headmaster’s attitude that was biased towards his utter _hatred_ for me and at this whole situation. It was surreal.

And terribly ironic. The one thing that linked my thoughts to a certain psychopath murderer was the music he made and thoughts of Levi made me feel just as psychotic.

I blamed him for indirectly making me want to kill my headmaster. _Okay, maybe not kill but impair so I can escape this stuffy office, grab Armin and Mikasa and hitch a ride to the next city. I hate Trost. I hate their schools. I hate their traditions. I hate their bars with mysterious bands and their source of entertainment (which is basically me getting my ass kicked by a group of Sina guys – pass the popcorn.)_

“So is going up against a group of boys from the enemy school.” Mr Owen waved a flippant hand. “Mr Jaeger, you can spend your whole evening here telling me how much I’m ruining your boring life but it won’t change a thing. You have no excuse, no sport or extra credit class which means your schedule is perfectly capable of fitting in a punishment you very well deserve.”

I muttered that I was defending my best friend under my breath, out of reflex more than anything. I had accepted my fate as soon as he had said it but I never went down without a fight (literally, in most cases.) I had no choice _but_ to accept it and that’s why I was so angry.

Mr Owen took the sight of my slumped shoulders and bowed head as defeat and nodded approvingly. “Good. Now, I think your guardian is ready to kill someone out there.” He tilted his head towards his door, at the faint sound of an enraged Mikasa. _Better guardian than wife_.

There was no protocol for how to say goodbye to a teacher you hated who also happened to be the top dog, especially not after being given a punishment. I simply slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked out without looking back. I didn’t even slam the door. I wanted someone to pat me on the back for that.

Mikasa was in mid yell when I silently stepped out of Mr Owen’s office, raging a war with the school secretary, who was shorter than Mikasa, though her almost beehive-like hair made up for it. Armin was clinging to Mikasa’s arm in his usual manner, trying to pull her back into a safer territory of not threatening members of staff, and he almost slumped in relief when he saw me.

Then he really _saw_ me.

“Uh-oh.”

Pink-faced, offended secretary forgotten, Mikasa stepped past her and hurried towards me. I was so angry I couldn’t even find offense in Armin again attempting to hold her back. Sure, it bothered me that anyone could see me as a threat to my closest family but he was right. I was practically ready to burst with anger.

“Eren, what happened? What did he say? Are you okay?” Mikasa attempted to grab hold of my shoulders but I ducked away from her, clenching my fists. I would never hit her – or Armin or anyone that wasn’t Mr Owen or a Sina Academy student – but damage to school property would be in the works if I was here any longer than I had to be.

Mikasa was almost yelling questions but I ignored her and Miss Rogers, who was telling me that I needed to control my sister before she too joined my punishment. Armin asked what punishment and Mikasa yelled back, furiously, that she was my sister, not household pet, and she could control herself, thank you very much. Everyone always saw Mikasa as the mature, level-headed one. Then she got angry.

I jogged past them all, through the door of the main reception and down the empty corridors. Armin was still asking what punishment and Mikasa joined him, as they ran after me but I couldn’t answer. The school echoed and I didn’t want to hear my answer come back to me. _A festival, a festival, a festival_.

Armin, albeit anxiously, gave up questioning first but eventually, Mikasa did too and they just followed, past silent classrooms and out of a school that valued their enemy more than their own. There was nothing subconscious about my next destination. It didn’t even occur to me that bar damage was just as suable as school damage.

The Rose Wall was often subject to angry, sometimes tearful, teenagers bursting in and yelling someone’s name at the top of their lungs.

“Pixis!”

The place wasn’t completely empty. The regulars looked up, noted it was me and went back to their quiet chatter and beer. The Recon Corps – all of them today – watched, not stared, as if they were bored but willing to welcome curiosity.

_Eren Jaeger, life clown, class A entertainment, Monday to Friday. Takes bookings and will make balloon animals at children’s birthday parties._

Mikasa and Armin were now at my sides. Armin clung to my arm in a similar manner to how he held onto Mikasa, in a similar sort of situation. Of course, me killing Pixis was a no-no; he was my only hope now.

_Warning: clown may be subject to popping the balloons and making everyone cry – including himself. Proceed with caution. Order at own risk._

“Eren, he’s probably at the back.” Ah, Armin’s voice of reason. He spoke with conviction, up until the point where his nerves and worry showed and his words trembled. “Don’t shout. Just tell us what happened-”

Mikasa chose this moment to grab my face in both her hands. I was forced to meet her eyes and she was wearing the look of a threatened mama bear. Someone needed to tell her that this little cub was ready to hunt his own deer.

“Eren. Tell. Me. What. Happened.” And this was Mikasa’s trademark, along with the threatening glare – the voice of doom.

I managed to tilt my head side to side, signalling a no. Armin used his comforting touch to pull Mikasa away from me and I continued my journey towards the counter, ignoring the couple sat, sharing a packet of salted nuts, who flinched away from my shaking state.

It was Thomas’ shift but, thanks to the lack of business, he was sat behind the counter, playing on his phone. However, his playtime had been paused and he was half sitting up, looking ready to restrain me if needs be. I ignored him and called Pixis’ name again, aiming for the backroom. It seemed to be the owner’s most popular hiding place these days.

“ _Pixis_!”

“Shit, Eren, where’s the fire?” Thomas’ words were jokey but his tone was wary.

I replied in a dark tone, with a satisfying reason for his wariness. “My school.”

Thomas blinked. “For real?”

“Oh, there will be.” I didn’t even wait for a response. “Pixis!”

“What is it with kids and running into my bar, _yelling_?”

This time, Pixis’ appearance on the scene didn’t give me a heart attack. He actually showed up on time and, predictably enough, he came out of the backdoor.

My answer to his question was strolling towards him and shoving the crumpled up flyer in his face. He wasn’t fazed but, as his eyes ran over the content, mild surprise crossed his features. He was probably expecting a list of my detentions for the next year, not a cheaply drawn scrap of paper advertising the annual festival that I obviously didn’t care about.

“What is this?” We both asked the question at the same time.

“You’re the one who gave me this,” he pointed out, waving the flyer slightly.

“And you’re the one, as a _mature, responsible adult_ that’s going to tell me why my community service involves organising this thing!” I started off calmly. It was a shame I ended up almost screaming the last part.

Mikasa choked slightly, a bit like I had done back in Mr Owen’s office. Armin murmured an, “Oh my God.” Thomas just sounded confused and asked my two best friends why on earth anyone would put me up to organise anything. _My point exactly_.

Pixis, however, didn’t even bat an eyelash. “Trost Annual Summer Festival.” He cleared his throat, as if ready to make a speech. “Established in 1976 and a running tradition. Every year, whatever chosen high school in the city meets with the local event organisers to put on a festival full of-”

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my finger and thumb and wondered if this was how Pixis felt dealing with me every day. “Pixis. I didn’t ask that literally. I want an explanation to my actual issue.”

“And what is your issue?” He raised an eyebrow and handed me the flyer back before walking past me.

I wasn’t made to be a godfather. Or a father. My patience snapped. “I don’t know the first thing about music!”

That got everybody’s attention.

Pixis stopped and looked over his shoulder without really looking at me. “You’re in charge of the entertainment stage?”

I nodded, teeth gritted. The horror was evident on each face (Armin looked ready to pass out.) I would have been angry if I wasn’t… already angry.

“ _This_ is your community service?” Mikasa asked, disbelieving. “You have to organise the entertainment stage for Trost’s festival?”

I nodded again, just as the door of the bar opened up to Jean and Marco, who were comfortably laughing between themselves, until Marco felt the undeniable tension in the room and halted in his track, causing Jean to pump into him. “Hey-” Jean cut himself off as he peered around his best friend’s head and noticed the scene. “What’s going on?”

No one replied. We all turned towards Pixis, waiting for his response.

Finally, he turned to look at me straight in the eye. “Eren, honestly, what do you expect me to do?” _And that’s definitely not the response I was expecting._

“W-what? Well, I don’t know!” I threw up my hands in frustration. “But you’ve gotta do something!”

“Do I?” He shrugged. “Be real, Eren, there’s very little I can do to get you out of this mess.”

Somehow, his comment made me angrier than the punishment had – and not just angry but upset too. “You know it wasn’t fair!” I dug my fingernails into my palms to stop my hands from shaking and clenched my fists at my side to stop my eyes from watering. It wasn’t working out too well.

“Life isn’t fair, Eren.” Pixis looked away, as he spoke, but the tiredness in his voice was obvious to everyone in the room. “You’ve got to do what the school says. It’s your last year and then you can be as useless as you like. Put up with it.”

Even Mikasa visibly flinched at that. Armin looked between me and Pixis before hurrying to my still side, wrapping an arm around my waist. “It’s okay, Eren. We’ll work this out. We can even help out. Right, Mikasa?” He turned, desperately, towards Mikasa who snapped it into action at the sound of her name and joined my other side, placing a hand over my fist. Armin looked over to Marco and Jean, who had crept closer. “Right, guys?” It wasn’t a question or a request. Armin was almost _begging_.

“What happened, Eren?” Marco asked gently. He walked as if I were a wild animal that could attack at any minute. He wasn’t too far from the point.

But I kept my eyes trained on Pixis, voice openly shaking as I said, “You’re supposed to help me.” Pixis didn’t look at me but I carried on. At this point, I didn’t care if he wasn’t listening. He didn’t listen anyway. “You’re supposed to fix this!”

“How?” He didn’t sound tired anymore. Irritation was evident, anger would be close.

“I don’t know but you’re the only one who can-” Something about my words felt familiar to how Armin had tried to comfort me. _Desperate._

Pixis shook his head. “Eren, I’m-”

“You’re the only parent I’ve got left!”

It was a thoughtless thing to say but it got his attention – it got everyone’s attention.

They all stared at me, wide eyed, and I felt myself somewhat leave my body to stare at me too. I had a serious case of foot in the mouth though and I was back in my own body, yelling at Pixis, angrier than I had been at him ever before. “If you can’t help me then who’s going to? I have no one to stand up for me, no one who anyone will listen to – _except you_. Just like Armin had me, me and Mikasa have you… and y-you can’t just…” I stared down at my shaking hands, avoiding the eyes of everyone as my own stung dangerously. “We have no one left, Pixis.” I clenched my hands into fists before lifting my head up to glare at him. “So _why won’t you help me?_ ”

Pixis’ mouth was open, his eyes wide, but I could see beyond the shock; he was hurt. I had hurt him.

Mikasa was shaking her head, one hand holding her scarf over his mouth in the protective gesture that she had done since she got it, but her eyes were in clear sight. I had hurt her.

Armin clutched her fists against his stomach, as if he could pretend that there was a book in his arms to hide behind, like he usually did and his eyes were filled with something that was threatening me too. He didn’t look away, through his tears, but I did. I had hurt him.

_They’re wrong. You’re not useless. If you were, you wouldn’t hurt them like this._

All of them began speaking but I shook my head. “Forget it.”

“Eren…” Mikasa trailed off but reached for me instead.

“I- I’m just gonna go home.” I ignored her hand and moved around it, heading for the door. Marco and Jean were staring openly. Jean looked surprised and confused and Marco just looked sad. I figured that if Mom was seeing this right now, she probably would look at me the same way.

_Disappointment._

“Wait!” Mikasa, unsurprisingly, managed to grab hold of my sleeve but I pulled it from her roughly. The surprising part was the aggression in the gesture and she staggered back, as if I had actually put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her back, into Jean.

He caught her easily and glared at me. “What’s your problem, Eren? Just because you’re upset-”

“Fuck you, Kirschtein. Save your speech for someone else. I don’t want to thank you again.” I paused, eyes narrowing on the comfortable arm around Mikasa’s waist that was attached to Jean. _It won’t be for long_. “And get your hands off my sister.”

Mikasa whispered my name but if I pretended I didn’t hear it, maybe she had never said it all. I could live without any more hurt for the night.

No one followed me out. I doubt they would follow me home either. _If I do go home, that is_.

I was so angry that I didn’t even look at the Recon Corps’ table when I left. I was equally as angry as I stepped out the door that I walked straight past Levi, who was smoking against the wall of the building, basking in the shadow. I was too determined in making the tears in my eyes evaporate with the heat of my burning rage.

It was a double-take situation. I walked right past until I realised that there had been someone stood there. It could have been anyone. It was just my luck that it was Levi.

I paused and that was his initiative. I looked over my shoulder and found him blowing out smoke as casually as breathing. He was one of those types that looked good doing anything, including smoking, but he made no show of it, as the darkness he hid himself in suggested. Despite being part of a band, Levi didn’t really care about his image. He probably didn’t care what anyone thought of him.

He flicked the cigarette ash in my direction. “You cry when you’re angry.”

I wasn’t surprised at the comment. He, of all people, would notice that, of all things. My luck was really helping out tonight. Maybe he’d give me tips on how to kill my headmaster, while he was at it.

I let out a single laugh, even though nothing was funny. _Well, okay, my thoughts are kinda funny. Sometimes._ “No shit?”

The cigarette he used to gesture at me with remained in that position. I should have kept walking but I turned fully instead and wrinkled my eyebrows in confusion at the stick between his fingertips. “Helps relieve stress.”

 _He’s offering me a smoke. What is_ up _with this guy?_

 _And what is up with_ me _? Walk away, Eren. Walk away. No, don’t go stand next to him. Don’t meet his eyes. Don’t think about trying to make friends with a guy who offers an obvious minor nicotine. Walk away, God damn it-  no? Okay. Lean on that wall casually. That wall will be your downfall._

“What is it with you and trying to make me smoke?” I shake my head at the cigarette that followed my journey to the spot beside him. He’s only a body space away but it feels like more. It was probably due to the boredom in his eyes. I may as well have been down the street.

_Then why aren’t you, you suicidal little shit? Scram! With your tail in between your legs, no less. This is a bad idea._

Levi shrugged at my question and answered with a drag from the cigarette I rejected. When he speaks again, it’s clear he ignored what I said. “Feeling guilty already?”

_Ah. That’s it. He’s a distraction. He preoccupies thoughts with his strange behaviour so it made it easy for you to not think about the people in the building you’re leaning against. Temporary amnesia._

But the distraction was facing the problem in hand and that was a contradiction.

I flinched, digging my hands deep into my pockets. “Don’t.”

Levi turned his head slightly to look at me and I thought maybe there was surprise in his eyes. I didn’t meet them long enough to see. I ducked my head, just as he nodded and murmured, “Okay.”

“No- just…” I sighed, frustrated. This was like telling him to shut up, unintentionally, except worse. This time, I _needed_ him to keep talking. “I don’t know.”

“Okay.” He didn’t sound bothered. I wondered if things bothered him at all or if he was just really good at hiding his emotions.

“No, it’s not.”

“No, it is.” He turned towards me fully, leaning on his side. One arm was wrapped over his torso, the other dangling at his side, still toying with his cigarette. His eyes weren’t angry or insulted and I was relieved. “It’s okay, kid. You hurt someone. I’ve hurt plenty of someones. Life is all about hurt.”

I bit on my lip but he saw the smile anyway. His eyes flickered down on it then up to my eyes, waiting on my reaction. “That’s a bright view point,” I told him, still cautious about not offending him.

“It’s realistic. If you expect the bad, it makes you appreciate the good a lot more.” He took another drag and the smoke he breathed out filtered over me. I resisted a cough and sniffed instead, reminded of the wetness around my eyes. Again, that didn’t escape Levi’s eyes. I rubbed at my face with my sleeve, half to get rid of my tears and half to hide my face from his assessment. He spoke on, calmly. He didn’t sound _exactly_ emotionless but whatever emotions were there weren’t easy to work out. “You’ve hurt them now, when you apologise or whatever, they’ll appreciate it.”

I stopped my almost painful attack on my own face and blinked around my sleeve at his idea. “I shouldn’t have hurt them in the first place.”

He shifted so his back was against the wall again and his chin was tilted up to observe the sky. “Yeah but you’re hurt.”

I dropped my arm from my face and stared at him. “What?”

He gave me a look that hinted impatience before going back to making inappropriate shapes out of clouds or whatever guys like Levi did in moments like this. “Well, you’re obviously hurt if you’re so angry, you’re crying.”

If it was possible to stumble back from something someone had said, I would have done at that moment. Actually, I was fairly sure it was possible but I gripped the wall hard enough for my palms to sting as I pushed myself off it and stood in front of him, effectively blocking his view of the clouds and shadowing him even further into the wall. He didn’t seem to mind – or, if he did, he didn’t show it which was hardly a surprise.

Before I could say anything, he crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m just making an outsiders observation so forgive me if I’m wrong but you’re clearly not happy about something and they all know that, right?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

He interrupted me. “They know that you’re saying these things because you’re upset, right?”

I saw no point in a verbal answer and nodded. He gave a single, subtle nod back and I could finally see the look in his eyes, better in the darkness than I had in the light. It was strange to see a depth of _understanding_ in his eyes and, even crazier so, his words. “So they’ll forgive you. They’ve probably already forgiven you. It’s not like you hurt them out of spite.”

_He understands it all, even the parts that I don’t understand myself. And it’s insane but he does it all without knowing me. Is that what he does when he says nothing – watches and understands?_

I stepped back awkwardly, aware of how little space there was in between someone who was really a stranger, despite the unexplainable knowledge in his eyes. And his words made it seem like he thought I was… a good person.

“How do you know that?” It was a thought but I said it out loud, in a quiet murmur of confusion.

Levi met my eyes for an uncomfortable minute before lifting the forgotten cigarette to his mouth. I averted my gaze as he smoked, as if I was watching something intimate and his hard gaze was challenging me for doing so. When he opened his mouth slightly to exhale, his chin was lifted and his whole body aimed in my direction. I took another step back before I inhaled his dangerous breath.

“I just do.” Now that I was out of the way, he was able to cloud-gaze freely. His reply was almost an absent-minded mutter to my ears. “Don’t disregard your own feelings. You’re allowed to hurt too.”

 _He’s ruining my social life even more than it’s already ruined. I have no idea what I’m supposed to say to that._ “I- yeah, I guess. Uh…” I rubbed at the back of my neck as I dropped back to my earlier position against the wall.

Neither of us spoke again as he finished his cigarette then dropped it to the floor, stepping on it with one of those impressive (scary) boots. I almost missed his next words, distracted at the thought of getting those boots kicking the shit out of you (or me.) “Can you cook?”

I did stumble back when I heard and understood what he said. “ _What_?”

Levi raised an eyebrow. “Cook. Food. Kitchen. Sharp objects.” He gave me a once over, from the top of my head to my scuffed Converse and back up to my wide eyes then shook his head. “Actually, I take back my question. Stay out of the kitchen.”

“I can’t cook,” I grumbled, ignoring the last comment. “Not very well, anyway.”

“Shame.” I just waited for an explanation, my request written on my expression. Levi complied. “You said Mikasa’s always looking after you, right?” _He remembers her name. Does he have freakishly good memory? And I still don’t know how he knows my name_. “You could have done something cheesy and probably typically you to apologise.”

“Typically… me?”

“Again, an observation. I don’t know you.”

“You’re doing a good job in pretending you do.”

“Maybe.”

We lapsed into another one of those silences that I wasn’t too sure how to break but often did anyway.

Levi, this time, did my job. “If you could cook, you could have made her dinner for when she got back home. Play the wife this time.”

“I-”

He shrugged, interrupting me, yet again. “Shame you’re useless in the kitchen but at least humanity is safe.”

“She’s my sister,” I hissed, just as he pushed himself off the wall and started for the door. I had almost forgotten where we were.

He didn’t say anything until he stopped at the door. He didn’t look back as he spoke, one pale hand ready to push the door open. “You go to Maria State, right?”

I looked down at myself, as if forgetting what uniform I was wearing or if I was even wearing one. “Uh? Yeah.”

“So you have that rivalry against Sina Academy.” It wasn’t a question but I nodded anyway before stopping, feeling silly for doing so when he wasn’t even looking at me. “Doesn’t this punishment work in your advantage then?”

“H-how?” I didn’t even question how he knew about my punishment. I had screamed down the bar, pretty much, so it wasn’t a shocker. _But the idea of it having any kinda good side…_

“They trashed your friend’s home; you get them back by putting a better festival than they did last year.” His head was angled so he wasn’t looking at me but I could see the left side of his face. “Fair and square, wouldn’t you say? A nice form of revenge.”

He could have been talking a foreign language, for all I knew. Revenge in my dictionary was full of bloodied fists and hospital runs. Revenge couldn’t be something so simple, so civilized.

Levi didn’t say anymore and didn’t give me the opportunity to gather my thoughts and make words in a reply. He looked over his shoulder – a habit of his when talking to me it seemed – this time actually _looking_ at me and nodded simply. “You look cute in your uniform.”

He entered the bar without a goodbye.

I stared at the door he had walked into then at the stubbed cigarette at my toes. The black ash had left its imprint on the pavement but it wouldn’t be long before the wind got hold of those little specks and took them away from here. _Just like I should be_.

But I was frozen at my spot against the wall, unsure of what to do or how to react, even though Levi was clearly out of seeing or hearing range.

An often wise but potential psychopath lead singer of a rock band that sometimes performs in French had just turned every thought that had caused a horrible amount of conflict around and then called me cute, all in one small interaction.

 _Levi just called me cute_.

And with that established fact came the big question: _why?_

I looked up at the sky, not really expecting an answer in the clouds but hoping to see maybe something in there that may reveal as to why Levi said that – like UV rays affection his mentality.

Instead, I got the sight of the sun’s descend and the reminder that I was still hanging about a place that I was meant to have left half an hour ago. I made sure not to think about Levi’s words on my way. I really didn’t want to die in his honour – or the honour of Maria State’s uniform.

*

“Eren?”

She said my name then I heard the click of the door.

I held my breath, staring down at the counter pitifully, before calling out, “In here!”

Quick but quiet footsteps hurried in the direction of my voice and Mikasa ran into the kitchen, her scarf blowing behind her like a red streamer. I smiled but it felt like a grimace when she halted and stared at the two plates I had now picked up and was holding in her direction.

“I’m sorry,” I said, wincing at my handiwork of beans on toast. “I was an ass and…”

Mikasa shook her head, eyes still wide with surprise, as she took both plates from my hands and set them back on the counter. Then she hugged me, face in my neck and arms tight and I swallowed the guilt to hold my sister tightly. I apologised again. “God, I’m really sorry.”

Her shoulders shook but her voice didn’t. “It’s unfair, Eren. You’re right. It’s all unfair.”

I had raised my hand to stroke her hair awkwardly but stilled. “You really think that?”

She pulled back, still holding me close, and nodded. It was weird to see her eyelashes thick with tears and I had to remind myself that it was my apology, not my actions beforehand, that had caused them or the guilt would swallow _me_. “I’m on your side, Eren. No matter what.”

Ever since she had joined my family, it had been that way. I was stupid to think that a little argument could change that. Mikasa was family.

 _Levi was right_.

We both ended the hug as soon as Mikasa stopped shaking and I handed her a plate. She snorted back some laughter and I teased her on the sound. She told me she hoped I choked on my food. The banter was easy, familiar, despite how unfamiliar all of tonight had been – for me, at least.

We ate in front of the TV, keeping the volume low because we were tired and not particularly interested in whatever was on. Mikasa curled up against me and it was the most vulnerable she had ever been since the deaths of her parents and my parents alike. As usual, we fell asleep, the finished plates on the coffee table, beside my feet and Mikasa’s head on my lap.

I woke up at 2am, my neck hurting from the awkward position I passed out, and the guilt came back, seeing Mikasa’s usually stiff, unforgiving face, open and child-like in its slumber. Her head had slipped off my knees and her own were against her chest so she was able to fit on the sofa.

_You said Mikasa’s always looking after you, right?_

Gently, I moved myself from under her and picked her up, with one arm behind her back and the other under her knees. I could tuck her in properly – it was the least I could do, after everything tonight.

Somehow, she didn’t wake up, as I tried not to fall over the mess that we had littered around the apartment. I managed to put her to bed and wrap her up in her duvet before placing an awkward kiss on her forehead and ruffling her hair gently.

_When you apologise or whatever, they’ll appreciate it._

“Sorry again, sis.”

 _They’ll forgive you. They’ve probably already forgiven you_.

She snored a little, in response to that. I smiled before picking my own tired body up and leaving, closing the door of her bedroom with a quiet click and heading to my own bed.

Stripping out of my jeans and shirt, I slipped into bed. Most of me was tired but part of my mind was still awake, still streaming thoughts that would make it hard to sleep. Levi’s words repeated themselves in my head and I had to give him the credit he deserved. He had been right about Mikasa and was probably right about Armin and Pixis too.

But those weren’t the words that preoccupied my thoughts.

I sighed and turned to my side, thinking about my day on a whole. Even after all that fuss, nothing changed. I wasn’t any more familiar with Levi, my relationship with Mikasa was okay and I still had the responsibility of the music for a festival I only went to every year because Armin loved it and Mikasa didn’t mind it and she often won us both stuffed teddy bears so I couldn’t really complain _too_ much.

_They trashed your friend’s home; you get them back by putting a better festival than they did last year._

The sad thing was that his advice made sense. Our rivalries, though they had been stretched beyond school, had started in educational system. It made _perfect_ sense to use what the school had to beat them – and not just one of them but all. Armin’s constant studying wouldn’t be in vain, my blood on the pavement outside my ground wouldn’t be for nothing.

_Fair and square, wouldn’t you say?_

Even in the heat of anger, I was aware that I couldn’t take on so many of them by myself. Mikasa and Jean, though I hated to admit it on the latter, were good help but if we were overpowered, we would be overthrown again. But if the town said it itself that the festival was better than last year’s then we would win.

For a whole year, we would be above the people that put us down every day.

 _A nice form of revenge_.

 _But I_ still _don’t know the first thing about music_.

I had seen a band perform once in my whole life and that had been a week ago and that band’s lead singer turned out to be therapeutic when he wasn’t making me slightly homicidal. His advice was great and everything but it wasn’t like he could help me make this year’s music the best that this city had ever heard-

My sleepy mind suddenly snapped into action and I jumped up from my bed, an idea taking shape at frightening speed. An idea that was suicidal, just like the other half of my homicidal thoughts. There seemed to be a lot of killing going on in my brain these days.

 _The Corps are a band and I need a band_.

And just as quickly as the idea formed, it deflated, along with my body that’s tiredness caught up with it and I collapsed back, groaning.

_And there was no way Levi was going to say yes._

It was the middle of the night and I was having intense debates with myself over something that would only happen under the heading of “miracle.” And I was tired after all the arguing and weird social interactions and I needed to sleep. I had school in a few hours and I could think about this whole thing in Trig because the chances of me passing that class anyway were slim enough (and it had nothing to do with the fact that Connie sat next to me and we didn’t ever do the work, nope.)

I yawned, turned onto my other side, and fell asleep pretty quickly, considering my thoughts were a repetition of: _Levi, band, festival, cute_.


	6. Nicotine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pssssssst chapter name inspired by nicotine by panic! at the disco  
> as always - hope y'all enjoy it!!!

Things were, unfortunately, not any clearer in the morning but it didn’t matter. I had headmasters to avoid and classes to slack in. I kept the promise to myself though and spent my two periods of Trig thinking deeply about the whole situation and thanking the stars that Armin was more forgiving than anyone else I knew. When me and Mikasa met him on the way to school, he apologised before I did and hugged me tight as he told me that he would contribute in any way that he could, even though music was a distraction he couldn’t afford, as beautiful as it was. He mentioned his knowledge on music theory but trailed off, shaking his head at himself. He smiled nervously and nodded, with determined enthusiasm. “We’ll figure it out.”

But I hadn’t figured out anything. I hadn’t told Mikasa or Armin about my idea involving The Corps. I hadn’t dared mention Levi at all, in fear of Mikasa’s suspicions. I figured me and my sister were on the same page except she wasn’t okay with making… _acquaintances_ with constantly unimpressed psychopaths and I, on the other hand, was crazy too.

Whilst everyone settled on completing sheets, I stared at mine without really seeing it and raked my brains for any option other than a band that I associated with murder but it all came down to them, which led to the hardest question I had ever been given (aside from question 4 on this sheet because that was just impossible): _how do I convince The Corps to play at Trost Festival?_

It wasn’t so much as answers as it was scenarios that could happen but I had no idea if they _actually_ would because I didn’t know the band and I barely knew Levi.

In an ideal world, they would agree without question. Levi would morph into an enthusiastic music-preacher and would help me in the task he bestowed upon me (via my complaining via Pixis via Mr Owen) and together, we would change the world (featuring the rest of the band.)

Realistically, they’d be stubborn but convincible. Levi would put on his usual poker face until Irvin used that handsome smile of his to win everyone over and we would all change the world.

Probably, they would straight out say no. And Levi would kill me. I wanted to be buried, not cremated, and I added Jean to the list of the people that I wanted to be crying at my funeral. The world would irrevocably be changed by my death. Idiot, Class A Clown, Divine Helper, Eren Jaeger – how would anyone survive without me?

I wondered if Levi would cry at my funeral and if his tears would leave burn marks down his cheeks or something like that then I remembered he’d be the one that murdered me. The fact that he could ever cry at all was a much stranger prospect anyway.

In the end, I left Trig with the substitute teacher staring worriedly at my empty sheet and still no answer to my question – _any_ of them. I ate lunch with Mikasa, Armin and Jean (Marco was mysteriously not here and me and Jean weren’t at talking terms at all – he wasn’t as forgiving as my best friends), in an awkward silence. Armin tried to soothe the tension but eventually started to break a sweat and Mikasa shook her head at him, keeping herself as stony as always. She answered Jean’s questions about some homework they had in a class together but, otherwise, she picked at her macaroni with distaste. I kept to myself, still trying to think of how to convince an _actually cool_ band to help me out that I didn’t notice that I was being observed, until Connie and Sasha showed up with their lunch and blinked at the table we sat at.

“Uh…”

“Guys?”

I blinked up blearily at the voices of two of my friends, who held their trays almost defensively in front of themselves and had looks of wary horror as they observed the sight of Mikasa and Armin analysing me and Jean just looking unimpressed with my show of picking at my meal. I reeled back at my two best friends leaning across the table. Mikasa looked one pasta piece away from shaking me and possibly slamming my head on the table.

“What?” I snapped.

Armin lifted his palms up, shaking his head and speaking quickly, a panicked smile fixed on his face, “It’s nothing, Eren, we’re just-”

“Oh, for God’s sake.” Jean cracked. He lasted surprisingly long. He slammed his spoon down and gave me a look of pure loathing. “Is there an imaginary pacifier in that big gob of yours, Jaeger? You haven’t said a word since you asked for apple juice instead of orange in the line. Your friends are worried about you and your stupid mental state. Say _something_.”

“Di-”

Connie placed his tray beside me, Sasha on his other side, cutting me off as they sat down and brought their usual cheer to the table. “Leave him alone, Jean.” Connie turned to me with a grin. “I heard about the festival. That’s a pretty big responsibility.”

 _Connie is talking about responsibility. The world_ is _ending._ “Uh, yeah.”

“Got any ideas?” At least, that’s what it sounded like Sasha was saying, around her mouthful of food. She had perfected the technique of talking – somewhat understandably – and not spraying food everywhere.

I shook my head. It was an almost honest answer. I wasn’t as suicidal as Levi made me out to be. Mikasa’s intense study of my every move meant nothing went unnoticed, so I twisted my hands under the table nervously to hide the fact that I had an idea that she probably would not approve of at all. “Not really. I’ve only had one night’s sleep on it so maybe I’ll get inspired when I touch a guitar or something.”

“Maybe you should research about it?” Armin suggested. “The library would definitely have some records on the past festivals.”

I smiled gratefully. “That isn’t half bad of an idea. Thanks, Armin.”

Pulling my backpack over my shoulder, I gathered my tray and answered everyone’s questioning looks with, “I have a study period. I may as well use it wisely.”

Jean squinted at my suspiciously. “Who are you and what did you do with the slacker bastard I hate?”

“You know, Jean” – I turned briefly to toss my finished drink in the nearest bin – “I was going to apologise for yelling at you yesterday but…”

Jean gave me the good ol’ finger in response.

Mikasa and Armin both began to stand up but I told them to do what they needed to do here. Connie seconded the idea, telling them not to break my non-slacker mode because it could come into advantage for him in Trig. I didn’t mention my empty sheet full of red crosses from earlier.

Armin nodded encouragingly at me. “Good luck. I can help out tonight, if you want.”

“Definitely.” I grinned at my best friend, though the grin fell at the sight of Mikasa scrutinizing me again. I gulped and turned away quickly. “I’ll see you guys in Gym later. Bye.”

They all called their goodbyes, except Jean, who told Sasha that her love would be greatest downfall. Sasha was confused until Armin pointed out that her love was food and Jean meant that she would choke on it and possibly kill herself. I motivated myself towards the library, using Mikasa’s glare as a push.

The library wasn’t very busy, with the librarian sorting through a box of books and coughing quietly at the dust, and a group of boys watching one of their friend’s play an online game (and lose, from the looks of it.) There were the few getting last minute homework done and no one looked up from their computers. The actual book part of the library was empty.

Not knowing where to start, I figured the easier option would be to ask so I went to the desk, digging my hands into my pockets awkwardly as I waited for the librarian to notice I was stood there waiting. When she didn’t glance up from her task, I had to resort to the classic _ahem_.

The librarian – who I didn’t have the great pleasure of knowing the name of – jumped and almost dropped the book in her hands, clutching it to her chest once it was in firm hands and blinking at me rapidly from behind her glasses. “Y-yes?”

“Uh…” I had no idea how to phrase this but tried anyway. “Do you have anything on the history of Trost?”

The librarian’s face lit up. “We do! A whole section, in fact.” She placed the book in her hands on her desk and moved out from behind it, gesturing towards the many, many shelves of books. “Anything in particular?”

“The, uh, annual summer festival?” It wasn’t meant to be a question but the librarian paused in her tracks, mouth puckered with thought. When she turned back to look at me questionably, I shrugged. _Hey. This was Armin’s idea. Don’t look at me_.

The librarian muttered book numbers as I followed her, in between shelves and stacks of boxes that needed sorting, until we reached the history section. Ignoring books about world wars and art, she squatted down and patted some books on the bottom shelf. “Here they are!”

I didn’t say a word as she pulled out something that looked like a photo album. It was probably originally a cream colour but it had yellowed over time and when she opened it up, dust erupted up like a mini explosion. She grinned, through the grey. “This was from when I was in high school. That year’s festival was the one I helped put together.”

I joined her on the floor and thumbed through the other books on the shelf. “What part did you help with?”

“Food.” She smiled fondly. “I can definitely say that, to this day, no festival has compared.” She hesitated then added, “But that can be subject to change.”

I smiled at her optimism. “Do you have any books on the, uh, bands that played?”

“Bands?”

“Musicians,” I corrected myself quickly. “The music on the entertainment stage.”

The librarian closed the photo album and set it aside before swiftly flicking through all the books on the shelf, picking out a few until there was a reasonably helpful-looking pile beside us.

The last thing she picked out was a pack of newspapers and magazines, put carefully into a file for their protection. “I don’t normally lend out things like these – they’re pretty valuable to the school – but you look like you need them.” She smiled cheerfully at my surprise. “Take them and take good care of them. I’m sure you’ll be able to find some helpful stuff in all of this.”

I gathered everything that she had put out for me, stuttering over a thank you in my shock. I put everything in my backpack before wiping my dusty hands on my jeans. My back felt uncomfortable with all the extra weight and I had no idea, really, where to start but I was given an initiative and I could use it in my advantage.

I thanked the librarian again who waved it off, saying that the old documents were lying about, waiting for someone like me to come along and appreciate them, if not learn from them.

I was ready to leave and find Armin to show him my resources when a thought struck and I stopped at the door. I turned back and smiled. “I’ll try and see if we can make the food at this year’s festival as good as it was when you organised it.”

The librarian stared at me then smiled, as though I’d offered her a dollar for every speck of dust she had to endure. “That would be wonderful. Good luck!”

“Thank you!”

Though the load on my back was considerably heavier, I felt a little stronger about my resolve.

*

I was a terrible person. I had completely forgotten about the first person I should have been apologising too.

Granted, no one reminded me that Pixis was probably viciously hating my guts. After expressing his amazement at the fact that I met up with everyone at the gates with a bag full of dusty pages, Jean shook his head and said he was off to meet Marco. I didn’t get a chance to ask where Marco was and opened my bag to show Armin and Mikasa what I had to start from. Mikasa seemed impressed and Armin looked overjoyed, though a little sceptical at the fact that the books were actually given to me. I had to reassure him, several times, as we began our walk home with Connie and Sasha trailing along behind, that I hadn’t stole them.

It seemed like the destination was fixed from now on. Connie and Sasha even raced ahead, jangling their pockets that weren’t completely empty for once. Armin laughed at them as he walked in between us, Mikasa and I close on his sides. It was familiar and nice and I realised that I had missed spending time with my best friend, whilst he was busy studying and I was busy getting in trouble. But The Rose Wall had given us the opportunity to spend some time together and be regular teenagers.

_But you’re not here to socialise, Eren. You have an agenda to follow today. Don’t forget it._

And the agenda wasn’t apologising to Pixis, as horrible as that sounded. Pixis hadn’t crossed my mind.

Until he was right in front of me.

And I walked into him, whilst trying to find my agenda.

I let out a yelp as my nose collided with a body and staggered back, straightened by Mikasa’s quick hand under my elbow. I put a hand to my nose, ready to yell about people standing around in the middle of nowhere, when I looked up to find Pixis staring down at me, with a raised eyebrow and his usual smile. Though the smile was the same, it said a variety of different things. Today, it kinda looked like _ah, the idiot’s back_. That could be taken either way.

I gulped. “Uh… sorry?”

Armin nudged me subtly with his elbow. I was an idiot but I knew exactly what he was getting at.

I had one thing to do before I sealed my fate and bothered Levi.

Taking a deep breath, I nodded towards the back door. “Can I have a minute, Pixis?”

He stared at me for a long moment, smile replaced with a look of concentration. He was trying to work out if I was still mad at him whilst I was more concerned with him being mad at me. I steeled my gaze. “Please?”

Pixis nodded slightly then turned and walked towards the back room. Mikasa gave my hand a supportive squeeze that was half painful (her warning that told me not to mess this up) and Armin smiled in his normal encouraging manner. Over Mikasa’s shoulder, I could make out The Corps and the profile of Levi, who sat with his back to me. I really needed to get this apology to Pixis over and done with, if I had any chance of completely my agenda.

I followed Pixis into the back room, which was in its usual throw of darkness. I opened my mouth to ask about that, ready to gesture at the light switch behind Pixis as I closed the door but was interrupted with his blunt words. “Don’t apologise. You’ve already said please and that’s weird enough.”

I blinked, dazed by the abruptness, then let out a relieved laugh. “Thanks, Pixis.”

He smiled and this one was more like approval, though I still had some way to go. It was, however, nice to know that I was getting there. “Thank you sounds strange too.”

“Stop making it out like I’ve got no sense of morals,” I snapped.

He laughed and the tension defused. He leaned against a stack of unopened boxes and I rested back on the door. Hopefully, no one burst in suddenly and sent me flying.

“So, are you managing-”

“Wrong question.” I shook my head. “I’ve got a bag full of books and that’s about it.”

Pixis raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

_It seems as though Pixis has figured out my agenda before even I did. I’m not made to be a detective but maybe if he taught me his ways…_

“There’s a band sat in my God damn bar, Eren.” He said the words slowly, painfully. I didn’t bother to correct him with the knowledge that I knew this fact – I knew it _very_ well – but my eye probably twitched in irritation a few times. “If this isn’t fate, I don’t know what is.”

“Don’t go holy on me, old man.” I jumped off the wall, turning to observe the door as if I could see through it, see my friends who were probably either waiting anxiously for me or eating their allowance worth of potato chips. “Besides, Mikasa-”

Pixis, efficiently, cut me off. “Is going to take Armin home. Trust me.”

This time, I was the one that analysed Pixis’ expression. I trusted him – without reason – but I wanted to see that reason, plain on his face.

 _Family_.

Just the thought of the word made my throat hurt. “W-why are you doing this?”

Pixis smiled and it spoke in volumes. Sadness didn’t suit him. “An apology that I can’t do more.”

“I’m sorry, Pixis.” I broke his request of not apologising with a desperate plea of already granted but undeserving forgiveness. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“I know. Now, get going.” He raised his hand in a shooing motion, towards the door, towards what was behind it. _Towards who was behind it._ “You’ve got a show to put on.”

I nodded determinately, coughing to dislodge the lump in my throat, and opened the door. Chatter and clinking of glasses immediately flooded the dark room. I looked up to wear a light bulb should have hung and saw, through the dimly filtered light, that there was nothing there. I didn’t question why Pixis kept the room in darkness. I had more important things to ask. “About Mikasa…”

Pixis straightened up and marched right past me, not bothering to thank me for holding the door open for him. Once I exited myself and closed the door, I watched as Pixis strode over and talked to Mikasa and Armin. He glanced back a few times. It took me too long to realise that he was feeding them some sort of sob story about me.

I tried to hide my glare by giving Mikasa a look that hopefully should have said _it’s okay, sis. I’m fine. I don’t need to seek any sort of medical advice from a band and their potentially psychotic lead singer._ My acting skills must not have been too terrible because soon enough, Pixis was ushering my two best friends out the door. Mikasa’s gaze told me to come straight home and Armin’s didn’t seem to approve of the decision much.

Once they were gone, the bar felt oddly silent. Aware of the eyes on me, I ducked my head and took a seat next to Connie and Sasha at the counter. They seemed unfazed by the whole deal.

“Why did they go?” Connie asked.

I shrugged, a Thomas-like gesture. He wasn’t working today.

Sasha nodded thoughtfully, staring down at her near-empty glass. When she looked up, her smile was brilliant and sweet. “Do you want us to go too, Eren?”

It wasn’t like I had an epiphany or anything. I just realised that Sasha and Connie were my friends too, not just Mikasa’s and Armin’s.

This newfound knowledge just made it that much harder to answer an already awkward question. Connie seemed typically confused too. “Why would Eren want us to leave?”

“Eat your bread, Connie.”

When Sasha looked back at me, I gave her what I hoped to be an accepting smile. It was probably a grimace but Sasha grinned back, mouth free of food. _She’s kinda pretty. Her eyes even sparkle._

Connie just looked between us both, extremely confused. “Guys?”

I chuckled at Connie. _But she’s Connie’s, even if neither of them know it yet. Plus, I’m too poor to buy her food._ “It’s okay, you guys. You don’t have to leave-”

Sasha was tearing the bun of her sandwich almost viciously between her teeth when her eyes widened at something over my shoulder. _Okay, Sasha is definitely not my type – whatever my type is_. She chewed manically and swallowed before hissing, “But you do.”

My sense of poise and subtly was out of the window. I swivelled in my seat to find Levi lifting himself from his chair, nodding at something the blonde guitarist heartthrob was saying to him.

 _Am I really that transparent? Even_ Sasha _has figured this out. Just add another detective to the list that isn’t me_.

Fear made my stomach fill with possibly killer butterflies. They dropped dead when Levi turned and met my eyes.

They were revived when he gave me the subtlest of nods that tilted towards the door he began walking to, when he turned his eyes away. I turned to Sasha, disbelievingly, but her eyes were trained on me so I doubted she saw it. Hell, I doubted I saw it.

 _Is Levi_ asking _for me? Next thing you know, Detective Connie will exist._

I looked at Connie, who was starting to look upset with the whole situation that he knew nothing about, and shook my head. Detective Connie was a far cry. I nodded at them both as I stood up. I heard the bar door close behind me. Sasha was grinning again. “Thanks, guys.”

“You’re welcome, Eren!”

Connie’s frown dropped and his lips flickered up into a small, smug smile. “I don’t know what I did but hey, happy to help.”

I patted the pockets over my stomach, half to calm the butterflies that felt more like birds and the other half to inspect the contents. I eventually pulled out some change and placed it in front of them both. “On me.”

I didn’t even hear their thank-you’s. I hurried towards the door, any sort of dignity towards the matter gone. I didn’t want Levi to think I didn’t want to talk to him, even if he scared the hell out of me.

Awkwardly bursting out the bar wasn’t very cool but Levi probably didn’t think I possessed even an ounce of that trait in my body. The contrast between us would have been hilarious if it had not been seriously embarrassing on my part. He had yet to light his cigarette, which was balanced between his lips, his lighter just short off giving it flame. He didn’t stop the process when he saw me, simply watched me watch him light his cigarette, pocket his lighter and take his first drag. I shuffled over awkwardly and leaned beside him as he smoked steadily, silently.

The uncomfortable silence turned unbearable enough so I did what I normally do: speak before thinking. “I took your advice.”

His inhale was longer this time. I assumed I stressed him out but tried not to think about it too much, watching as he exhaled slowly before replying. “Mikasa’s alive so I guess your cooking isn’t as bad as you claimed.”

“N-no, not that one!” _He still remembers her name. But then again, I know the name of his band mates._

_Mikasa isn’t in a band though. Why does he remember her name?_

Levi glanced at me, without curiosity or any expression at all really, then away again. “Oh?”

I almost groaned in frustration. He invited me out here yet he still made no intention in keeping a conversation. Figures. “I’m going to do the festival.”

“Well done.” He didn’t even look at me. “Maybe next time you can make me dinner too.”

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. I felt like I was the one that was smoking something. I felt heat stain my face and neck and finally snapped, “Forget the food! I’m actually going to do this.” He looked at me and I regretted half yelling already. I added, as a quiet afterthought, “The festival, I mean.”

Levi flicked some ash, watching some of it fall to the ground and some of it be lifted and taken away by the wind. “I’m guessing you don’t listen to people often.”

 _You guessed right_.

He had his jacket – black, denim, with a patch over the left pocket that that I wasn’t close enough to inspect properly – slung over his shoulders instead of put on properly, one of his arms protecting his torso. He huddled into it. It should have been a gesture people would call cute, delicate even, but just made him look as unapproachable as ever, if not more. He protected himself because he was capable of it. He was capable of kicking your ass.

“That’s not-” I started, defensively but pointlessly.

“Bullshit.” He tapped the ash as though he was aiming at me. It fell without ceremony to the slab of pavement between us. “Are you giving me credit for pushing you into your first step of reform? I’d definitely take you up for that dinner then. You can mow my lawn if you want, as a thank you.”

If he smiled whilst he said it, I could have considered he was teasing me in an almost friendly way. “I’m not doing anything.”

“You think I trust you to feed me?”

“My cooking isn’t even that bad!”

Levi shook his head and took another one of his longer drags. He did that thing with his lips, the cigarette and his whole posture that told me not to watch. I disobeyed him, not wanting him to think that I was here to do everything he told me to do. He noticed and smoked, as though I was the biggest problem in his life.

_I’m a contradiction to his nicotine._

_Yet he called me out here_.

“Fine.” He fixed me with a hard stare. “Now, what’s up with you?”

I blinked. “W-what?”

“Did Pixis beat you? With good reason, of course, but- hang on…” He suddenly reached out and caught my chin between long, unforgiving fingers. They were cold, the skin callused with what I assumed was guitar work. I could only stare, open mouthed, as he tilted my head from side to side, looking for bruises. He had barely moved from his position but used his power to bring me closer. “Wait, no bruises.”

I exhaled shakily and he noticed. _It would be far too easy for him to snap my neck right now… and I should probably not think that so close to him. Show no fear. They can smell it. Show. No. Fear._

Levi seemed to hesitate and then his fingers loosened slightly, his eyes softening over the bruises that were almost healed. _Almost_. “They’re nearly gone.”

I nodded into his hand. “Yeah.” It was one word but his fingers moved with it. Then, he let go and went back to leaning completely against the wall. I resisted rubbing at the skin where his cool fingers had been.

“So,” he said, after clearing his throat.

“So what?”

Levi glared at me. “What am I, some agony aunt? Spit it out. What’s up with you?”

_It’s now or never, Jaeger._

“Do you guys do events?” I blurted out.

“Events?” He repeated the word, as if he was tasting it, then his eyes narrowed and his glare darkened. “I’m not singing at no brat’s birthday party.”

“No! Like…” It was like, in class, when you were expected the define a word without saying the word within the word. I always sucked at it. I winced and readied myself by clenching my fists in front of me. “Festivals?”

Levi was about to stub off his cigarette when he caught on and his eyes widened. It was possible to surprise him. “No. No way. Not a chance”

I answered his deadpan reply with a whiney, “Please!”

“Not happening, kid. Take that dream somewhere else.” He dropped his cigarette and stepped on it. Hard. I winced, as if he was stepping on his head, like he probably wanted to right now. “The last thing I want to do is to be pulled into your mess.”

“You were the one that told me to do this mess!”

“I was definitely not the one that told you to get your ass kicked that got you into this mess.”

“It wasn’t my fault-”

“You’re a mess,” he cut off, with finality. “Of course, it’s your fault.”

“You don’t know anything.” I sounded like a stubborn child, one syllable away from a pout.

“On the contrary, I kinda do,” he replied mockingly, shrugging into his jacket. The patch over his head was like a badge, with a symbol of wings on it, one half of the feathers white and the other half black. It was probably some band logo. “Do you not hear yourself in there, kid? I think I know your life story by now.”

“That’s unlikely…” _But he knows enough. And he’s right. I’m a mess_.

He ignored me and started to head towards the door. I didn’t question his logic of putting his jacket on when he planned to go inside. “It’s a no.”

“But-”

“I can even spell it out for you. N-o. No. Ne. Nein. Nai. Na.” With every word, he moved closer to me until we were nose-to-nose and his glare were just short of making my eyes water. “ _Non_.”

I swallowed with difficulty and he looked satisfied, behind the stony look. He stepped back, assessed my probably terrified expression and awkward leaning-back position, as if I was still in my face, then turned and headed back towards the bar.

_Come on, Eren. Don’t let him have the last word._

“Okay, you’ve said no now…” I trailed off and murmured, “in several different languages – _but_ you won’t say no forever.”

He paused in his stroll to the door but didn’t look back. We always ended up at that point, where he was ready to put a door between us but would always say something that would plague my thoughts until we next spoke. “What?”

 _Time to add another new year resolution in the middle of the year that I will have an extremely difficult time completing._ “I’m gonna make you say yes!” I said, in a hopefully determined tone that didn’t portray the fact that I definitely picked the wrong words to put that statement together.

“I’m sure you will.” I could hear the smirk in his tone – if Levi smirked.

“No, really. I’ll wear you down,” I insisted.

He continued his walk away. I imagined his eyes laughing at me, because his mouth definitely didn’t seem capable of that. “Uh-huh.”

“Like sandpaper on wood.”

“Right.”

“Thumbed pages in loved books.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll do it!”

“Whatever you say, Eren.”

Then the door, that was a symbol of the emotional barrier between us or maybe my mental stability, was between his words and mine.

_And I still have no idea how he knows my name._

I collapsed back on the wall, breathing out to loosen the knot in my chest. The guy was exhausting and we barely talked. _Imagine actually having a full-on conversation with him_ -

“ _Psst!_ ”

I let out a yelp and turned to my side, where Levi was once stood. There was nothing but an empty space and I jumped off the wall to creep closer to the hissing, fists up defensively, protecting my frightened heart.

At the corner of the building, I noticed the top of a head and… _glasses_?

“Here!” The owner of the head popped up suddenly with a cheerful giggle and I yelped, staggering back. My fists uncurled at the sight of a laughing Hanji but instead grabbed at the front of my shirt, above my heart, which was beating too fast for comfort.

“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled.

Hanji stopped giggling and stared at me. Her gaze was unlike Levi’s. She looked approachable until the glint of her eyes behind her glasses turned slightly insane, as if she was imagining you as a guinea pig for her newest experiment. Otherwise, her smile was pretty – in a way that reminded me of Sasha – and innocent.

It wasn’t a sudden realisation that Hanji was a pretty woman but it was strange to see her in open, clear lighting, instead of the dingy bar and the bright spotlight that reflected off Levi to hit her. She didn’t seem like the type of person to value being the centre of attention but, then again, Levi didn’t either and he was the lead vocalist of a _rock_ band, of all things.

Hanji was as tall up close, with glossy, dark hair pilled messily on top of her head in a manner that suggested that she didn’t care (or maybe she just liked tying her hair with pencils, who knew?) and a casual look that many must have fallen for. As she advanced towards me, aside from the sunlight hitting her glasses and blocking her oh-so expressive eyes from my worried gaze, Hanji was graceful and light on her feet, in a way that was both alike and unlike to Mikasa’s poise.

“A festival?”

I blinked and it took me a moment to realise that her question was not an answer to mine. _What is it with this band and ignoring everything I say?_ “Uh… yeah. Trost Annual Summer Festival.”

Hanji nodded enthusiastically and I took a larger step back. _Can everyone from this band stop resembling some sort of psychopath?_ _It won’t look good for our school if they, say, murder the whole town?_ “And you want Levi to play there?”

“Not just him but the whole band. On the entertainment stage.” The idea of Levi on a stage by himself was laughable – almost as laughable as me being on stage by myself. Or maybe Jean.

_No, definitely Mikasa. Keep Mikasa and Levi away from a singular spotlight. They’ll ruin it with their darkness._

Hanji’s eyes practically sparkled at my words and she clasped her hands together in front of her, letting out a cheerful squeal. Sasha could cosplay as a really impressive Hanji. “It’s a great idea! We’re gonna do it!”

I almost fell over in shock. “Wait- what- but Levi said-”

She decided to do me a favour and grab me by my shoulders, keeping me upright with a grip that made Levi seem much gentler in comparison. “Psh, forget him.” She removed one hand from my shoulder to wave it dismissively before gesturing her index finger downwards. “This is happening.”

_This is my agenda. Make The Corps agree. I’ve done it. That’s it._

Or, at least, it should have been.

I nodded. “Okay but…” _My agenda wasn’t to make Levi agree. Not everything is about him._ “How are you going to convince Levi?”

“Me?” Hanji laughed and it was the kind of laugh that made you half want to join in, half call the authorities. She was clearly up to something and I had somehow put myself in the middle of it. “You think he’ll listen to _me_? Eren, if anyone here has a chance of convincing that guy anything, it’s you.”

“That makes no sense…” The sound of my name coming out of an almost stranger’s mouth eventually snapped me into action. “Wait, how do you know my name? How does everyone know my name?”

She laughed again, softer this time. “Your name is a popular thing to shout around these ends.”

The explanation wasn’t nearly as exciting as I was hoping it would have been. If Levi answered his questions like a normal person, I would have gotten a similar response from him too. It was strangely disappointing.

She tilted her head, eyes flickering over my expression quickly, before smiling to match her laugh. She stuck out her hand and said, “I’m Hanji. Artist, mad scientist and drummer girl” – she took an extravagant bow – “at your service.”

“Eren Jaeger,” I said, even though I knew she knew already. I took her hand and shook it. “I need a band.”

“And I have one.”

We stared at each other before slowly breaking into smirks.

Hanji leant forward, cupping her mouth with a hand, as she whispered a serious question, in a mocking tone, “Do you think you can do this?”

“No.”

“Are you going to do it anyway?”

“Hell, yeah.”

We shook hands for the second time in our first encounter.


	7. Bearable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa a v long chapter  
> hope you guys like it :+)

“I found something!”

I swivelled around on my desk chair, turning towards Armin, who was sprawled on the floor. The night after Levi rejected the idea of being on the entertainment stage, Mikasa and Armin avoided me like the plague. Mikasa wouldn’t say why but I had caught Armin on his way home after eating dinner at our flat. Pixis had told them I had cried a lot and even pulled the “you’re ruining my life!” line. It was a teenage thing.

Assuring Armin that what lies Pixis had fed them were not the case meant explaining why he would lie in the first place and what I did in the time between them leaving the bar and I leaving the bar. Instead, I just grunted at Armin’s answer and asked if he would still help me out. He agreed and we spent our Friday night going through dusty page after dusty page. We called an emergency break after the first two books and Mikasa bought us juice and cookies, something that reminded me a lot of my mom but I ignored the thought and tried to catch Mikasa’s eye. She just gave me a sidelong glance that said she was still worried for my mental state. _Same here, sis. Same here._

It was currently 10:34pm and we had sorted through a lot of books and taken notes of anything valuable. We mostly worked in silence, occasionally asking questions but mostly just coughing out the dust we inhaled. So far, we had found pretty much nothing-

Until now.

Armin lifted his hands slowly, with difficulty. He was holding onto a photo album that was brimming with newspaper articles and photos. The fingers of his right hand rested upon a photo of a guitarist. There was a name scrawled on the white strip below the polaroid snap. A signature.

“Bingo.” I grinned, dropping to the ground beside my friend.

“It seems like most of the acts were never serious about their stunt in the festival,” Armin mused, as he set the album down in front of us both. “Honestly, who would look for fame in a festivity that you only really had one chance of fronting in? But these guys – the Dukes, as they called themselves – had headlined a few times, twenty years ago.”

“I’ve never heard of them,” I commented, following Armin’s finger, which pointed out a drummer, bassist, another guitarist who also sang. They all sported terrible fashion, too baggy jeans and awful haircuts, that resembled Armin’s. I kept that thought to myself, as I ran a hand through my own. I kinda needed a haircut too.

“You’re not meant to have.” Armin rolled his eyes. “Did you ever listen in music class?”

“If what I recall is correct, nope.” I winced at the memory. “Recorder practices sang the songs of dying men.”

Armin’s face dropped at the memory but then he pointed at a newspaper headline. _The Dukes of Maria lead festive cheer, fourth year running!_ “Look!”

“Maria State?” I blinked. “They were from our school?”

“That’s what the article says. And what Miss Mason said, between recorder practices.”

“Fourth year running?”

“The dates are listed here and… they missed a year between each time. Two of the boys were already out of high school by the third show but they still did it, in the honour of Maria.”

“Has that happened since?” I wondered about each festival I had been to and the entertainment stage I hadn’t really ever paid much attention to. I went for the food and the fireworks. “Like repeated acts?”

“There’s only so much talent in this town, Eren.” Armin shook his head. “Forget that. This was a big deal, especially in the rivalry. They stuck around and, not only that, they stuck their middle fingers up at Sina. And we have a _name_.”

I nodded along but it took me a minute to understand what Armin was getting at. I fell back on my butt with the realisation and blinked at the man above the signature. “Do you think he’s even still _alive_?”

“Eren,” Armin sighed. “Of all questions, why that one? We should be more concerned about his handwriting-”

“It’s a signature. It’s meant to be squiggly. Look.” I pulled the pen out from behind my ear and scribbled my signature on the nearest notebook.

Armin looked unimpressed. “That’s a squiggle.”

“Exactly.”

“No, that’s _actually_ a squiggle.”

“Shut up-”

We were interrupted by Mikasa walking into the room, sadly, without any cookies. Armin gave her a sheepish smile and I nodded, hooking the pen behind my ear again. “Armin’s searching skills pulled out some bait.” I continued to explain what we found, finally relaying her with the problem of the living status of the man in question.

“It’s been twenty years, not twenty decades,” Mikasa replied.

I groaned, giving up the fight on that one. “Okay, so how do we find him in a city this big? And- shit, Armin, you’re right. How the hell do we get his name out of this one?”

Mikasa had sat down behind us, on my bed, and now leant forward to peer between our heads at the album. “William Cole.”

“What?”

“Oh! We need a directory.”

That summed up our friendship pretty well. Mikasa was blunt, Armin smart and I confused.

Armin jumped to his feet and hurried out of the room, eyes narrowed in determination. Mikasa used his absence to sit down beside me. Her dark hair covered her eyes and she was wearing typical home attire, a pair of faded blue skinny jeans and an oversized jumper that looked like it was from the sale rack in the guy’s section at a superstore.

I narrowed my eyes at the white stripes on navy wool. “That’s not one of Jean’s jumpers, is it?”

Mikasa’s eyes widened slightly then narrowed on me, through hair that really needed a cut. “Eren, are you serious?”

“You can never be too sure about you types.” I shrugged.

“My types? Do you mean girls?” _Uh-oh_.

“No,” I corrected her. This could get ugly pretty quickly. “Jean-communicators.”

“Yeah, I’m sure Marco wears Jean’s clothes too.” Mikasa was still tense but she tilted her head back, so her hair was out of her eyes, and smiled a little. Maybe it was the thought of Marco in Jean’s clothes. Poor Marco. He’d be getting a visit from the Fashion Police, at this rate.

“Wouldn’t put it past any of you.”

After a mutual silence, Mikasa said, softly, leaning back against the bed, “I got it from a sale yesterday.”

“Oh.” Mikasa’s eyes were closed but, if they were open, she would be judging me. I was sure of it. “It looks nice on you-”

“Save it,” she interrupted. She paused a beat and then opened one of her eyes, with a surprisingly, wicked smile. “I’ve got Jean for that.”

“Low blow.”

She sobered up quickly, tugging at the sleeve of the jumper. “It was actually bought for you.”

“Me?” I questioned doubtfully.

She nodded. “Yeah but…” Trailing off, she lifted her sleeve to my face and scrunched up her face, as if she was concentrating. “Nah, it doesn’t work with your complexion.”

I rolled my eyes but played along, fluttering my eyelashes and mustering up a high voice that I would be ashamed for the world to hear. “Oh, _my_. Well, I wouldn’t want that-“

Mikasa punched me in the stomach and Armin hurried in, hugging the huge directory to his chest.

Something’s never change. Something’s were never meant to change.

*

The mall on a Saturday was not something I was used to at all. The mall itself was another world.

It had taken a lot of intense but swift digging on Armin’s part to find out that William Cole was now the manager of a food court restaurant at Trost Centre Shopping Mall. It was quite the downgrade but no one could insult McDonald’s or their Big Mac’s. My pockets jangled with change that Armin and Mikasa had forced onto me. I was now their delivery boy but, with the help they offered, I couldn’t exactly complain.

Best friends, eh? What would you do without them?

 _At least they didn’t make me pay. They’re good friends._ I smiled a little at the thought until it occurred to me that I was in a busy shopping mall on a Saturday and smiling by myself would not go down so well.

McDonald’s was busy, unsurprisingly, which was the first issue Armin had noted I would have to conquer. Not only would I have to somehow guess what William Cole looked like after twenty plus years but I would have to find a way to pull him aside and talk to him. Mikasa had stressed that it was a bad idea but had offered an idea that could probably work.

It would also mean making a complete fool out of myself.

Steeling my soldiers, I marched past the open food court’s tables and chairs, ignoring the curious eyes of children that followed me to the counter, where I slammed down my fist on the top and ignored the whines from the people in the queue behind me. Someone called me a rude name. I resisted the urge to turn and say something back and focused on the guy behind the till, who looked about the same age as me.

I imagined what it was like to be in Levi’s head – constantly angry, unimpressed and disgusted by the world – and challenged all that general hatred into a glare at the spotty teenage boy, who didn’t look like he knew how to handle a suddenly enraged customer. I felt guilty churn in my stomach for the guy who was just doing his job but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“Where’s your manager?”

The guy almost jumped at the sound of my angry demand. I wouldn’t give my acting that much credit. I guess being angry so often made it feel like second nature. Who knew rage could come in handy in a way that wasn’t putting fists to faces?

“H-hey, there’s a queue. You can’t just-”

I cut off the nervous blabbering by standing a little taller and leaning slightly forward, hoping it was somewhat threatening. I didn’t have the worst build for a seventeen year old boy and this employee seemed to agree. The guilt felt almost like physical pain but I ignored it. “Look, I don’t want any food. I just want to see the manager.”

“Mr Cole isn’t-”

I hid my grin behind another interruption. “I want to see him, right now.”

Whispering had begun behind me. The boy, whose tag named him ‘Jordan,’ was sweating profoundly. He glanced over his shoulder but his co-workers were busy tossing fries into bags and wrapping burgers. When he turned back, his eyes were hard and his fists were clenched. “Listen, man, you can’t do this. If you have any complaints, just tell me and I’ll pass them along to the manager.”

 _What if the worker has authority?_ I had asked Mikasa.

She rolled her eyes. _Simple. You_ become _the authority_.

I leaned closer still and whispered, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Jordan gulped. I had won. I raised my eyebrows. “If you did, you would definitely not be stalling. Get your manager or I’ll take a look around.”

That’s all it took. With a stuttered apology, Jordan turned and almost ran back into the kitchen. The whispers turned to hushed awe. I grinned and dug my hands in my pockets, which made the change in them jangle cheerfully in my victory.

 _Now, let’s hope I don’t get arrested for this_.

Jordan came hurrying back and ushered me towards the cleanest table available, his worker cap pulled low over his face. I promised myself to buy an extra burger or two as an apology for ruining his day.

Two minutes later, I realised that time does change people.

William Cole was what I expected from a McDonalds manager – middle aged with a beer belly and a poker face that was from mid-life crises and not so much from the world, like Levi’s was. He wasn’t a remarkable man, with average looks and a balding head.

But I wasn’t here for a remarkable man; I was here for a remarkable boy.

The first words the once famous William Cole said to me were: “you’re a kid.”

“That isn’t untrue.” Mikasa and Armin had to told me how to get to this point but beyond it was a mystery for us all. “I’m Eren. William Cole, right?”

“It’s on the tag, son. You have a… complaint?” William Cole just sounded like he couldn’t believe he was put in this situation. _That makes the two of us_.

I swallowed nervously. He didn’t seem like a happy guy. His moustache even twitched over his frown. I decided to blurt it out. “I don’t have a complaint but I need your advice.”

Working in McDonalds for God knows how many years probably made him immune to shock. Wide eyes and open mouth surprise wasn’t a usual look for Mr Cole, from what I could see. I let his silence be my motivation. “I need to know about how you and your band stayed on the stage for so many years of the Annual Trost Festival.”

He definitely wasn’t expecting that. He sat down, shaking his head in disbelief. I didn’t say anything more and simply waited for some kind of response. I watched as he took out a napkin from his pocket and dabbed at his forehead, which I only thought happened in the movies. He then glanced once at me then back at the till. At Jordan.

 _Not good_.

“You want advice?” he asked quietly.

I nodded. He nodded. “You’re not here for an inspection or something of that sort?”

I winced at the assumption I had created and nodded again. He mirrored my response before glancing at his employee with narrowed eyes.

“Don’t yell at him,” I said.

William Cole looked back at me. I pressed my fingernails into my palms. “It’s not his fault. He was just doing his job. I’m really sorry about this.”

Mr Cole raised his eyebrows. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t ban you from all the dining establishments in this mall.”

_Shit. That’s possible?_

I figured it was about time. I took out the carefully wrapped and protected photograph of the man sat in front of me when he wasn’t much older than me from my backpack and passed it to him. It wasn’t a good idea to tell William Cole everything, from the first punch on the Sina Academy kid’s face to why I lied to get to see him, but I did. I tried my hardest to not make it sound like I wanted sympathy and free fries (though that would have been great) and instead made myself seem desperate but eager to learn and amazed by The Dukes once glorifying status.

In other words, I grovelled.

“I don’t understand the question,” was the first thing he said. “But okay.”

_Someone give Mikasa Ackerman and Armin Arlert an award._

I almost collapsed with relief. “Awesome.”

Mr Cole narrowed his eyes. “The only reason I’m letting you off is because you remind me of me, when I was your age. Except stupider.”

I made a Jean-like sound. “Huh?”

“You heard me.” He waved a hand around, gesturing at nothing. “It’s been almost twenty years since me and the boys performed together for the last time and the rivalries still go on.”

“Yeah but what are we supposed to do? Did you expect me not to defend my best friend?” I asked.

“Well, the Sina lot have always been stuck up bastards-”

“Exactly!”

“-but that’s beside the point!” William Cole announced, with an air of superiority. “You must rise above it.”

I almost dropped my head to the table but then thought of hygienic reasons why I shouldn’t. “That’s what I’m trying to do! Everyone complains when I fight so I’ve been forced to put this stage together and I’m making the most of it.”

“You’re not getting it, son.” He sounded frustrated, almost sad. “Either way, a rivalry is a rivalry.”

“Nothing has changed, Mr Cole. It still exists. If we can’t fight them then we’ve gotta fight against them. It’s how we survive.”

He didn’t say anything for a long moment then sighed. “Well, for old time’s sake, I can only wish for some good music to be played, in Maria’s name. It’s been a damn long time since I could call that entertainment stage worthy of The Dukes.”

I smiled. I wondered if I would be as loyal to my high school when I was his age, if I reminded him of himself when he was my age. It was an odd circle. “What makes you think you guys were even that good, in the first place?”

Luckily, William Cole recognised my teasing and didn’t get offended. “Four years running, kid. You’d be lucky to get a band like that.”

“I’d be lucky to get a band at all,” I muttered, under my breath, visioning a stubborn lead singer with a deadly glare.

“I can’t offer you much advice, Eren,” Mr Cole finally admitted. “We were just lucky and honoured to be on that stage for so long. It was the best time of my life, you know?”

I didn’t want to give up so easy. “But how did you keep coming back? How did you win against Sina?”

“Good boys.”

“What?”

“We were good, kid. No problems. Golden boys.” I thought of Levi and the white lights that bleached him silver. _Hopeless_. “Just stay away from the police,” he told me, eyes stern.

“It’s not for me…” I trailed off with a sigh. His statement ringed finality. There was nothing more to find. “Of course I will, Mr Cole. Thank you for your time.”

I got up from my seat and extended my hand and the older man took it, watching me with what I hoped to be approval but definitely was hope. It was a burden I wasn’t sure I could bear but I grinned, as if I knew what to do and how to do it.

“You get me a good act up on that stage and I won’t report you.” I couldn’t work out if he was joking or not so I nodded anyway and walked out of the place.

And straight into Levi.

Well, not literally but almost. I skidded to a halt at the sight of him. It was abnormal to see him in a mall, of all places, in normal lighting, but he hardly looked any different. Polished and clean, he wore a pair of skinny jeans (not black) and a white t-shirt with a black zip-up hoodie.

There was an awkward stretch of time between him speaking and him just looking at me. There was no astonishment at the coincidence of running into each other but maybe he was just amazed to see me during the day, outside of Pixis’ bar, almost as amazed I was of seeing him.

“I knew you were a loser but I didn’t quite realise how bad it actually is. I apologise.”

The amazement hit the floor like a glass and shattered. I said his name, anyway. “Levi?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Hardly an Irvin, am I?”

“No, you’re-” I cut myself off and shook my head, trying to process it all. There was something about Levi that made my tongue feel a weight in my mouth. It wasn’t that he was intelligent – I didn’t know him well enough to say that he was though he sure carried himself that way – but, instead, he made me feel so utterly stupid sometimes. I couldn’t exactly point out why I wasn’t more offended than I actually was. Maybe it was the fact that he was right. “Wait, loser?”

“Only losers go shopping alone.” He said it as though it was a fact. “On a Saturday, no less.”

I looked at him then around us, at the shoppers rushing towards sales or rushing home. City life was about rush. “What are you doing?”

“Shopping alone.”

“Loser.” I said it, without thinking.

Levi didn’t miss a beat. He didn’t even blink. “How do you like your balls?”

I gulped and his lips tilted up slightly before I blinked and the image was gone. Maybe it was all in my head. He asked, “So why are you here?”

I thought of Armin and the big Macs I forgot to buy and Mikasa’s advice that actually worked, if it didn’t stop me from shopping at this mall. I thought of the promise in Hanji’s handshake and how tired I was of being no more ahead with the whole festival thing than I was before I agreed to this. I thought of how Levi was the one who told me to channel my anger into beating Sina via a single stage.

I couldn’t even find it in me to be angry at him and angry was what I was best at.

“I- it’s a long story,” I finally answered, lamely.

Levi watched me, as if expecting me to elaborate. I didn’t. He didn’t break his gaze with mine. “Well, lucky for you, I have time.”

I opened my mouth to decline – Levi really didn’t need to know about my inner conflicts – but my stomach chose the perfect time to signal that it was empty. I flushed at Levi raised his eyebrows. “It seems as though your stomach agrees. Come on.”

He left no room for argument as he shouldered past me towards the McDonalds I just exited. There was no way I could go back in there. I definitely didn’t want Levi to meet his possible future, which was a grumpy manager of a fast food establishment. He already had the grumpy down.

“Wait!” I turned and called out.

Levi turned and glared at me, as if I had said something I shouldn’t have. _Definitely grumpy_. “What?”

“Can we- uh, get something… Mexican?” I mumbled, off the top of my head. I said the request at my fumbling hands.

Levi didn’t answer for so long that I forced myself to look at him. He stared at me, like I was the confusing one out of us two. When our gazes met, he sighed. “Picky. Don’t let me spoil you.”

When it came to Levi, I never knew what to say and, if I did, it was when he was past me again, walking in the direction he came from. Instead of answering his comment, I just hurried to catch up with his swift stride. His height was an illusion; his legs carried him pretty quickly away from me.

I followed him anyway.

“So why are you bringing me along?” I asked, after dodging a lady with three little girls, all wearing matching outfits. They giggled as they pushed each other about, until one of them staggered into Levi’s path. I wouldn’t wish his normal face on anyone, not even an annoying little kid.

Levi side-stepped the child simply, with a grace that I definitely didn’t possess. I was almost tripping to keep up with him.

“It’s not a kidnap case, Eren,” he answered, “You can leave if you want. I’m just curious and you’re hungry.”

“Yeah but-”

He stopped and I felt like the little girl earlier when I skidded to a stop just short of knocking right into him. “You’re right, kid. I’m a loser. I long for the attention of a high schooler,” he said quietly, as though he was actually being serious. Then he raised his voice. “Now, shut the hell up and walk faster. The queues are dreadful at Taco Bell.”

 _I don’t even like Taco Bell_. Levi continued with his complaining as he walked. “I don’t even like Taco Bell. Fake shit that tastes like cardboard. Fucking racist.”

“We could eat somewhere-”

“Shut up or we won’t be eating at all.”

“But you don’t like-”

“I don’t like you either but here we are.” He stopped in front of Taco Bell and turned to look at me. I didn’t know what he expected to see on my face. I didn’t know what I expected to see on his. This situation was weird enough already. “Literally.”

Levi was right. Taco Bell was busier than McDonalds. He pushed me in the direction of two empty chairs on a table and I searched my pockets for my own change for some food, aware of his impatient eyes on me. I thanked whoever was listening that I didn’t drop anything on the floor.

Five minutes later, Levi sat down across from me and slid the tray with our food on across the table. My stomach made an unappealing gurgling noise but I silenced it with a hurried bite into my burrito. Taco Bell wasn’t my favourite place but I was hungry.

“Did you mother not teach you better?” Levi asked, pulling a face, as though he was in pain. Then he seemed to reconsider his words. “Oh, shit. Sorry, kid.”

I almost choked on the chicken I was eating. _Did Levi just apologise to me?_

“No- no, it’s okay.” I swallowed and grabbed my drink. His apology deserved an answer. “She did, actually. She was pretty particular about table manners.”

Levi almost smiled. “No shit. I can tell.”

“Piss off.” It was weird to tease him but he didn’t glare at me or threaten my genitals so I carried on. “She hated slurping.”

“My kind of woman,” Levi replied, with fake wistfulness and a roll of his eyes. Up close, I could see that they weren’t actually all grey but a mix of light blue, almost normal, as if the lighting he usually stood in made them silver when he wasn’t meant to be.

“ _Piss off._ ” I laughed. “She’d, like, wring my ear if I didn’t eat my veggies and- _ow!_ Let go!”

“Like this?” Levi had leant across the table and took hold of my ear in a painfully, nostalgic way. His burrito remained untouched. I tried to jerk my head but he clung on with a strength that told me to stay on his good side.

“No, no, I take it back!” I half yelled. “She used to lovingly caress my cheek.”

Levi let go and flopped back down in his seat. I rubbed my sensitive ear and gave him a one-eyed glare. He looked far too smug for someone eating food he didn’t even _like_.

“That’s creepy.” He took a bite out of his beef-filled taco and it was also strange to see it. He was so strange that seeing him doing normal things just made him that much stranger. “You’ve got a family complex, don’t you, kid?”

“No!” I almost choked (again.) Levi looked ready to pat me on the back. His mock concern could have passed as genuine. I took a few sips of my drink, face red from trying _not to die_.

Levi didn’t say anything more so we just ate. I slowed down with my face stuffing and moved towards the nachos I had ordered. _If you’re gonna eat, eat lots_. Sasha was truly inspirational.

“So, what are you doing here?” I eventually asked, toying with my food slightly. People did it in movies to make the situation look less awkward. I made a mental note that it did not, in fact, make anything less awkward.

Not with Levi.

He chewed and swallowed slowly then said, “That’s my line.”

“Too bad.” I gulped when he glared at me.

He sighed. “Underwear shopping.”

This time I choked, for real. Levi leant forward and thumbed the bottom of his palm on my back a few times. Hard. He shook his head as I reached out for a drink but handed his own to me. Unable to argue with a throat blocked with lunch, I just drank gratefully. “Stop that. I don’t want to be the eye witness for your death.”

“We have a need-to-know based friendship, Levi.” I was still clutching his drink and felt awkward, unsure of whether to give it back or not. Instead, I just placed it on the table in a mutual middle between the two of us. I found it unlikely that he would drink from it though. I felt even more awkward thanking him. He was strange conversation.

Levi gasped at my statement, eyes widening in a half comical, half frightening way, and spoke in an enthusiastic tone that didn’t match the constant straight line of his mouth. “We’re _friends_? Well, isn’t this quite the upgrade. We should celebrate.” His face and voice then returned back to normal (thankfully.) “What would you prefer for me to say? Missile assessment?”

Levi honestly left me speechless. “I’m eating!”

“Is the thought of my underwear that unappealing?”

“I-I-” And he gave me a headache.

“Calm down,” he told me, lifting the lone bag he had with him and jangling it. Sounds of metal on metal rang. “I actually came to find some bolts. Not as exciting but some of my kitchen cabinets need to be fixed.”

“You live alone.”

It wasn’t a question but he answered anyway. “Surprisingly, yes.”

He didn’t elaborate.

“Me and Mikasa are on our own so it’s not too different,” I said quietly.

He shrugged and turned away from me to observe the queues of people and the masses of other people eating and talking around us. “It probably is. You don’t have to relate to me, kid. You don’t have to sympathise. I live alone. I don’t even have a cat.”

“I wouldn’t put you as a cat person.” I smiled a little at the thought of Levi with a house pet, after he unintentionally terrified a little girl. Levi wasn’t just not a people-person but a world-person altogether. He made me feel less hopeless, sometimes.

Other times, not so much.

“Dogs are messy shits.”

“You… uh, like to clean, huh?” I rubbed the back of my neck nervously when he looked at me with questioning eyes. I didn’t want to offend him. I did that enough. _Besides…_

 _I’m kinda enjoying his company_.

“I don’t _like_ to clean,” he said carefully, “any more than you like your maths homework.”

“What if I was good at maths? What if I _liked_ maths?” It sounded false and wrong to my own ears and Levi didn’t miss that fact.

“What kind of fucked up person likes maths?”

I blinked. “They exist?”

One word. “Irvin.”

I continued blinking. Levi nodded, to confirm I had heard right. I felt my face pull into something that probably emphasised my disgust. “I _knew_ he was too pretty.”

“Did you just call Irvin Smith _pretty_?” he asked, with raised eyebrows that had become a normal reaction to this whole conversation.

Like normal, I wasn’t processing what Levi was saying until it was too late. “Well, no, pretty is the wrong word. Handsome fits the- don’t look at me like that! The guy looks like a blonde Ken doll and you know it!”

“I saw him during the attack of puberty.” Levi’s lips tilted up and I would have loved to be in his head, to see the joke. “All I see is twelve year old Irvy with a head too big for his weedy body.”

“Seriously?” I grinned at the thought.

Levi was having far too much fun with this. “Deadly. He burnt the pictures though.”

“Damn.”

After a brief hesitation, he added grudgingly, “I could probably find one though.”

“Seriously?” I repeated.

“Did I not tell you about my murdered Chinese friend? Dead-Lee.”

There was a silence following that. It was possibly the heaviest I had ever experienced, with Levi looking at me with the same flat expression he did with the rest of the world.

Then I spoke. “That’s an awful joke.”

“You’re right. I’ve met many of white men called Lee. I shouldn’t discriminate.” Suddenly, he tossed his half-eaten taco down, eyes narrowed with loathing at the meat spilling from the taco shell. “Like this God awful food establishment. Why don’t they employ actual Mexicans to make this shit?”

I laughed and he glared at me but I steeled myself from turning into stone or whatever the myths said and laughed some more. “You really hate Taco Bell, don’t you?”

“Almost as much as mess.”

I bit down on my smile and Levi turned away, just as I saw him smile too.

“So what are _you_ doing here then?” he asked, still looking away.

“Here as in…?”

“Here altogether. Origin of life. Evolution. Genesis. God. Monkeys.”

Levi had the habit of making jokes in a completely emotionless tone, which made it hard to work out if he was actually making a joke in the first place.

“I came shopping-”

“As you do at a mall, well done.”

I ignored him. “-and now I’m eating with you. God’s plan.”

“He’s not very merciful.”

I stared at him for a long moment. “To me or to you?”

Levi also had the habit of turning away – often to hide his smile. I felt the glow of triumph in the pit of my stomach at making him laugh.

He observed the floor, as if his boots were more interesting than my face. I would have thought that was the case before but today was full of surprises. “What were you trying to find anyway?”

“Uh…” With that question, I was jolted back to the reality beyond spotlights and mystery. If I could have, I would have been jolted back. My reality was not a pleasant one. “Answers.”

Levi looked a little surprised. “Answers? For what?”

“This whole…” I grabbed a napkin with one hand and used the other to wave it around, as if Taco Bell had the answer. “The festival thing.”

Sometimes, when me and Mikasa bickered and she was tired of arguing, she would visibly and verbally (and probably mentally) block me out.

“Ah.” Levi did the same thing. His face closed off, his eyes dropped like he was already bored of a conversation that hadn’t even started.

Desperation made us all do stupid things.

“Don’t look like that!” I snapped, scrunching the napkin in my hand into a tight ball before tossing it into the nearest bin. It dropped straight in but there was no celebration. “The least you can do is help.”

He rolled his eyes. He did that a lot. “After I bought you shitty fake-Mexican food?”

“You didn’t-”

Levi cut me off by digging into his pockets and pulling out the change that I had so carefully picked out for my meal. _What a waste of effort and embarrassment._

I shook my head. “No way! I can’t let you pay for this!”

He raised his eyebrows – another habit. “Why not?”

“Because you’ll hold it against me!” I was ashamed to recognise my voice as more of a wail than an answer.

“Don’t be a brat, brat. I dragged you here, practically. Take your money back.” With insistence, he dropped the change closer to me. “I can afford a measly burrito that is a shame to all other burritos.”

Sighing, I pocketed the change. “Are you into Mexicans?”

“Careful. You’re asking questions like me. And no, I hate humans.”

_This guy is amazing. And serious. He’s not joking._

“That’s inspiring.”

Levi ignored the snide joke. “What answers were you looking for, then? Be specific.”

I did as he asked and explained Armin’s findings and Mikasa’s plan, digging in my backpack to hand him the photo of William Cole. He took it with careful hands and stared at it until I finished speaking before placing it carefully on top of a napkin. “Did you find Will Cole then?”

“Yeah but no luck.”

“Wouldn’t talk?”

I shook my head. “Oh, no, he talked but there was nothing to gain. He just told me to stay away from the police.”

“Maybe he didn’t. The rockstar types do eventually fall into the life of hard drugs and mayhem.” He paused and looked thoughtful. “That wasn’t offensive. I’m a rockstar type that fell into the life of hard drugs and mayhem.”

“Are you really?” I was half serious.

“Yes, of course.” So was Levi. “Mayhem is sat in Taco Bell, with a seventeen year old kid, eating shitty-”

“You know what?” I interrupted, jumping to my feet. “I’m finished. Let’s go. Taco Bell doesn’t need any more of your abuse.”

Levi responded with pushing his taco away, still looking disgusted with its existence. I took our tray and threw our leftovers in the bin. When I turned back, his mouth was open, ready to say something. I returned the favour with a hopefully somewhat authoritative glare. “Don’t say a word.”

For a brief moment, our roles were reversed.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he mumbled childishly.

I grinned and he glared at me. I swallowed and we were back the way we used to be.

As we walked out together, I wondered out loud about where we were going from here. He had treated me to lunch in exchange for a conversation that made no sense and a story that was hardly interesting. “Are you going home now?”

“Hardly a home,” Levi muttered, not looking at me. “I have a few more things to get.”

“Oh, cool.”

“I brought my car so-”

“A Porsche, right?”

“Panamera, to be exact,” he added automatically. He tilted his head as we walked without direction and looked at me with surprised – perhaps impressed – eyes. “You remembered.”

Stupidly, I felt honour. “The idea of you driving through houses haunts my nightmares.” So, I joked.

“I like it when you use your mouth, kid. It’s almost entertaining.” He spoke after a short pause then looked ahead again, hands in his pockets and hair in his eyes. “Not that I mind you stuttering.”

“What?” _Did I hear right?_

“Fear is also a great entertainment.” _I did. Free food is nothing. He’s still a possible psycho killer._

“That’s…” I struggled to find the word. “Sadistic.”

If I tilted my head a certain way I could almost see Levi’s smile. Almost.

“Watch that mouth of yours.” He turned back and did what he told me to himself. I felt more threatened by his simply observant gaze than any of his glares. “I might think you’re analysing me. Come on.” He tilted his chin forward, turned away and walked faster.

I tried to keep up with him, yet again. “Come on where?”

“Don’t make me answer that.”

“What?”

He sighed and took hold of my forearm suddenly. I stilled in surprise only to be jerked to the side, away from the exit that I originally thought we were heading towards. “I treated you to dinner now treat me to carrying my shit. You can join me when I joyride once we’re done and I might drop you off home. Let’s go shopping.”

Three words I never thought I’d hear coming out of Levi’s mouth.

“That looks so obscure coming out of your mouth,” I blurted out.

“Don’t look at my mouth so much then,” he retorted.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” My demand was answered with Levi dropping his directing hand from my arm and not bothering to keep up with my sluggish pace. “Hey- wait-”

“No waiting. Only shopping.”

 _He can’t be serious_.

But one look at Levi’s blank face told me he was. Dead-Lee.

“But-”

“Eren, do you want to shop or not?” He stopped and turned, forcing me to a stop a couple of feet away from him. He raised his eyebrows in question.

 _How do I answer that?_ “Why- why do you even want me to… join you?” I asked, breathless from trying to keep up with him.

Levi shrugged. He did that sometimes too. Another habit to add to the short list of things I knew about Levi.

“Careful,” I mimicked softly, leaning forward with my hands on my knees to regain normal breathing. “You’ll make me think you actually want me around.”

He rolled his eyes. “Shut up and walk, kid. I might even buy you ice cream.”

_Who said you can’t buy friendship?_

I said the thought out loud, unthinkingly, and Levi answered with a cheery, “This isn’t friendship, this is slavery.”

And by cheery, I meant his words, not his tone – not him.

*

A Porsche Panamera turned out to be a small, expensive-looking car. It was black, which didn’t faze me, and Levi didn’t seem as proud of it as I would have been.

The drive home was so quiet you wouldn’t think that we had spent the whole day ‘shopping’ until the mall’s closing time. I turned my phone off when Mikasa rang for the sixth time.

“You, uh, never explained why you even bothered today… with me.”

Levi peered out of the window, at the sign board I had gestured at, delaying his response. “You want a sob story, Eren?”

“I want a reason.”

There was another pause, with no excuse. “What if my reason is a sob story?”

“I’ll try my best not to cry, then.” Aside from the smooth hum of the engine, our voices were almost whispers, as if to not disturb the journey or each other.

“Maybe I’m just lonely. Desperate.”

“That makes me feel great.” But I laughed.

Levi didn’t. He stopped at a red light and looked at me with eyes that made his earlier words seem like less than the joke that I thought them to be. “No, you should feel great. I can’t bear the company of most. I somehow can tolerate yours.”

 _For a singer, he doesn’t really have a way with words. He makes me sound like a discomfort in his bones_.

“And why’s that?” I asked, instead of saying my thoughts. I didn’t think they would go down so well.

“Because you’re so” – he looked at me for a long time, until the red turned to amber to green, and the street lamps made his eyes _normal_ again, blue-grey, tired but concentrating on me, as if I was worth that, important, _not useless_ – “expectant.”

I deflated slightly, at the single word, not sure what else I was expecting but disappointed all the same.

Levi shook his head and I knew that he saw my reaction in his peripheral vision. “Innocent, perhaps.”

“And that’s… good?”

“You’re good. You’re a good kid, Eren.”

I let the statement hang in the air, savouring it. Levi had complimented me.

I whispered, “Eren Jaeger. That’s my full name.”

Levi let my words hang in the air. Words surrounded us both but we said nothing. After all the pointless exchanges earlier, we had more meaning in our silence and more depth in the brief locking of our gazes. So much was said in the touch of his eyes on my face, my eyes, my mouth, when so little was actually said at all.

Then his eyes were on the road and the confusing, meaningful moment is broken by his slight smirk. “Your trust touches me.”

“I’m trying to be nice!” I leant back on the headrest with a groan. Nothing had changed since I first met Levi, since talking to William Cole about gold and silver. It was all hopeless. Levi was hopeless.

“I know. Eren Jaeger.” Then he spoke softly and put my name up in the air between us. My stomach turned, as though I was waiting for some approval on my _name_. “Jaeger.”

“So are you going to stop calling me a brat?” I said, too loudly, too hurriedly, to stop my hands from sweating and to break the gentleness in a voice that I would normally not associate with that emotion.

Levi hadn’t torn down the words between us, this time, but I had.

“Not until you stop being a brat. And I don’t want that. Stay as you are, Jaeger. Don’t let me corrupt you.” If he had noticed what I had done, he didn’t acknowledge it. Unknowingly or not, he broke the words into letters into nothing, helping me. He tossed me a cigarette packet. “Also, light one for me.”

I stared at the pack. _Smoking kills_ written in bold letters. “That’s contradictory,” I said to his command and not the packet.

“You’re seventeen, live a little.” When I didn’t move, he sighed deeply. “It’s lose some innocence or have me crash the car. Between you and Porsche, I choose the Porsche.”

“Jaeger isn’t my real surname,” I lied but I fumbled over the packet.

Levi wasn’t an idiot; he knew I wasn’t telling the truth. “It’s a stupid surname anyway.”

“What’s your surname?” I ignored the insult.

“I don’t have one.”

“Everyone has-”

“I don’t carry the family name. I don’t associate myself with them.” His interruption is blunt and signals the end of the topic. I tuck away the thought to later investigation and take out a single cigarette.

“Do you have your lighter?”

“Oh yeah, hang on. Where from here?”

I pointed to the side street coming up. “Right then a left on the end.”

Levi fished his lighter from his pocket and passed it into my hand carefully. His skin somehow avoided touching mine.

“Can you do it?” he asked, as he followed my directions.

“I- hang on…” I stared at the unfamiliar contraption in my hand with determination. I wasn’t ready to make a complete fool of myself and not be able to light a cigarette. I looked up at where we were and nervously added, “Just park up there somewhere, anywhere.”

“Mikasa?” It’s a single word but I get it and I think about how one day with Levi has not made our communication any easier to do but simpler to understand.

_That doesn’t even make any sense. This doesn’t make any sense. Levi does not make any sense._

I nodded.

“You’re afraid of her?”

I nodded again. “Everyone’s afraid of her.”

He didn’t respond to that but instead concentrated on parking his car. When he was done, he turned to find me flicking at the lighter to get a constant flame (unsuccessfully.) “Here, I can-”

He reached out for the lighter and cigarette but his cold hands brushed against mine and I moved back to avoid them.

“N-no, I got it.” And I had until his cold touch put out the flame.

“You’re stuttering again.”

“Shut up.”

“Brat.”

I stared at the flame to avoid looking at him. “You know, for someone who’s obsessed with cleaning, I’m, uh, surprised you smoke in the car.”

“Pop it open.” His arm invaded my vision as he gestured towards the glove department of his car.

I do what he tells me to and find it full of cleaning products. I’m more surprised than I should be. “Oh.”

“You stress me out,” he answers. “I have no choice but to smoke.”

“I thought you could bear me.”

“I wish.”

“What?” The word was most used in our conversations, on my part. On his, ‘brat.’

“You’re bearable, Eren, that doesn’t mean you’re easy. No matter how much I honest to God wish you were.” He didn’t look at me.

“I’m… sorry?” I said to the unlit cigarette.

“Don’t be.” The car felt heavy with those two words, as if I really had something to apologise for, instead of something that made no sense when it had been a long day and I was too tired to decipher every word that came out of Levi’s mouth.

Not too tired to (finally) light a cigarette.

“There!” I cheered with a triumphant smile.

I waited for some form of congratulation but Levi didn’t say a word. I turned to extend the cigarette towards him but, suddenly, he ducked his head down towards my hands.

And caught the cigarette between his _teeth_.

Too shocked to do anything but sit there, my fingers were still curled around the lit cigarette and Levi’s eyes turned up to me, impatient after a long day of being patient. Finally, he lifted his own hands and curled them over mine, cold but soft. I responded after a long moment of staring at the cigarette between his lips and his mouth near my hands, as if the whole action was a puzzle to work out and not Levi reminding me that the colour of his eyes and the number of his smiles did not make him any more normal than he was when I saw him smoking outside the bar.

My hands loosened and Levi held the cigarette between his thumb and forefinger. He leant back slightly to inhale but when he exhaled, the smoke warmed my face, my lips, and I inhaled it, stupidly.

“Thank you,” Levi whispered. It could have been another exhale except I saw no smoke.

I nodded but couldn’t answer until I looked down at the open cigarette packet and the closed lighter. “Y-you’re welcome.”

Levi stiffened but then relaxed and leant back in his seat, all without saying a word. When I looked up, his eyes were on me. He extended the cigarette forward in invitation. I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak, not sure if I was more afraid of the smoke that filtered my lungs or the one who put it there.

“Body.” He didn’t let me question the single word written between us. He smoked and the fog danced between the letters and the air. “I’m cracking a mystery for you, seeing as you like doing that so much.”

I thought of my detective mind set the night I met Levi. It was just another thing Levi had figured out and another thing I hadn’t.

He exhaled and more words met with smoke. “Corps. French for body.”

“You sang in French that night.”

Levi paused. “I come from a French background.”

 _Don’t make him regret that he’s given list of his quirks some actual content. Don’t mess up, Eren_. “Have you been to France? Often?”

He nodded and I almost sighed with relief. I was safe. “It’s nice. Good for the art. Hanji loves it.” He rolled the window down slightly to flick the ash out. “It’s definitely worth a visit, if you’re into travelling.”

“Me and Mikasa haven’t been to many places.” I laughed at the sadness in the fact and then the sadness in my laugh. “We couldn’t afford it anyway but one day, maybe we will.”

Levi didn’t comment on the emotions or the words. He rolled the window further down. The streets were empty and silent until, far off, a dog barked.

“Don’t visit Paris with your sister though,” he said eventually. “That’s creepy. It’s the city of love, for a reason.”

I held my face with a hand and groaned into it.

I had thought about how something’s never changed and Levi was one of them. He was always going to change, to be unpredictable, and that was his constant. He was my contradiction, just as I was to him.

“Are you obsessed with incest?”

He snorted. “No, what kind of sick person do you think I am?”

“I won’t be visiting any place anywhere anyway,” I said, veering the conversation back to appropriate realms.

“Empty pockets, empty dreams.” It could have been a song.

“And…” I grinned. “No non-sister to share it with.”

Levi looked at me. If you took away the mask of his general view of indifference, you could probably see some approval. “You’re catching on.”

I laughed and he smiled. He threw the cigarette out of the window and rolled the window back up, slowly. Part of me wanted to pretend he was trying to slow time but when the dog’s barking was no longer heard, I knew it was time to say goodbye to the strangest day I had ever experienced.

“Want me to walk you to your house?” he asked. Levi sensed a goodbye too.

“It’s an apartment but nah.”

“Think I can’t handle your sister?” He raised his eyebrows and I wondered if that quirk would stay when I saw him again. I wondered if any quirk would stay or if my knowledge of him would just be scribbled over words.

“I’d rather you guys never crossed paths.” It was the truth.

“And why’s that?”

“You’re far too similar.” The horrible truth.

Levi didn’t say anything for a while then said, “Don’t worry; I’m not into sister-types anyway.”

I shook my head at his teasing – something that I was still unsure about, even after spending a whole day with it, with him – and pulled my backpack on before opening the car door.

“Thanks for lunch,” I called back, finally finding the awkwardly misplaced bravery to thank him for paying for food I didn’t even like very much and he hated. The whole day made no sense and I needed to sleep on it before I did any in-depth analysing. “I’ll pay you back someday.”

“Are you finally agreeing to that dinner?”

I rolled my eyes and climbed out of the car. “Goodnight, Levi.”

“Thank you for being bearable.” I looked at him and his eyes – grey again – were soft skies over hard steel. “Goodnight, Jaeger.”

I closed the door and headed towards my apartment a street away. I didn’t stall when I heard him start the car or look up when he drove past. It was only when he was out of sight did I stop and run a frustrated hand through the hair that still needed a haircut.

Nothing was any different but everything was.

I let myself in but Mikasa was home. I could hear the TV but I didn’t need to turn my phone on to know she was waiting for me. I refused to let myself feel any guilt, determined to be selfish for once.

I was at my bedroom door when I heard a quiet question. “Hey, where have you been?”

“The mall.”

“All this time?”

I turned and Mikasa was stood across the hallway, her arms folded over her chest and her face with less expression that Levi’s had been all day.

“Well, yeah.”

“Did you find the guy?”

I nodded, picking my words carefully. “But no dice. He didn’t offer much life changing advice.”

“Maybe you should stick to less field work.”

It was a dig and it wasn’t subtle. I shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”

I turned back to my room, about the open the door, when she said my name softly, dangerously.

“Oh, shit. I forgot to get you and Armin some food. Sorry.” It was a lame distraction and we both knew it.

“No, it’s not that.”

“Hm?”

Her words were whispers that could have not been said any louder. “Please don’t think I’m not noticing what’s going on. I may not understand and I may not want to but if you’re not going to stop then I don’t have a choice.”

Me and Mikasa were very good at pretending until we couldn’t pretend anymore.

“What are you talking about?”

“You smell of smoke.”

I knew she would notice. I hadn’t anticipated how she would react. “I- uh, I was stood near one at the bus station. It’s no big deal.”

“Please don’t lie to me, Eren.” It was a mix of a command and a beg. There was no bigger contrast.

“Then don’t threaten to get involved in my choices.” I was too tired to be angry but I was sad at having to lie to her and sad that she couldn’t trust that I had a good enough reason to. “I don’t smoke, Mikasa, and even if I did, it’s my lungs that I’d be burning.”

Mikasa, however, was able to get angry and fast. Hurt did terrible things to people. “How could you be so inconsiderate?”

“The dead don’t have feelings.”

“I think I’m very much alive, Eren.”

We stared at each other, only a few feet away, but the distance was irrelevant when it felt like the sister I shared everything with was miles away.

And then my bitter words and her bitter reply echoed in my ears and I realised that I hadn’t changed. I was still useless Eren, no matter how any normal or abnormal stranger looked at me. I still said things without thinking.

I reached for her but it was pointless. “Mikasa-”

She turned away and the front door slammed in answer.

I stared at the place where she was stood for a moment, without any reason, except to maybe think about how much of a complete idiot I was.

Sighing, I gave up and headed into my room, turning my phone on as I laid back on my head. I ignored the number of missed calls I had and scrolled through my contacts.

If I wasn’t thinking tonight, it could come in handy.

I pressed the call button. She picked up after three rings.

“Hey, Kim, remember me?”

“Ah, _Eren_ , cute boy from the bar. Hi!”

“Hello!” The fake enthusiasm felt awkward but Kim still held that infectious mood I remembered from the bar, even after all this time and even through the phone.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“I needed to know a few things.”

She laughed cheerfully. “You’ve been sniffing things that you shouldn’t have been, haven’t you, Eren?”

“Uh, not literally.”

“Well, that’s always good. Don’t do drugs, dude.”

“Thanks, I, uh, think.”

“Now,” she said, serious again, “what do you want to know?”

“Criminal records.”

“You don’t beat around the bush, do ya?” She sighed but it wasn’t an unhappy sound. “Levi, I presume.”

I thought about Hanji and the way her glasses flashed to hide the true expression in her eyes. “Hanji too.”

“Oh, she’s _definitely_ murdered a man,” Kim whispered dramatically.

“Ex-boyfriend?” I guessed.

“Probably a neighbour. She seems like the type.”

“Scenario?” It had quickly turned into a game. I had forgotten how weirdly easy it was to talk to Kim.

“He was playing music too loud?”

“Nah, she was playing music too loud. He complained and then…” I trailed off but our imaginations were strong enough.

“RIP, poor man.”

“What about Levi?” I finally got back to the topic at hand.

“Ah, so you’re a _Levi_ guy?” Kim giggled.

“What?”

“ _Everyone_ has their favourites. Don’t worry!”

Favouritism was definitely not the issue here. My sanity, however, was. “Levi isn’t my favourite. I just want to know-”

“If he murdered _his_ neighbour?”

“Or if he was in a gang.”

“Don’t be silly, Eren,” Kim scolded. “That only happens in terrible made for TV films.”

“What about Irvin?”

“Too handsome for TV.”

“I, uh, heard he had a bobble head when he was younger.” I felt bad as soon as I gave the information away. I hoped Kim never let the secret slipping out of my lips get back to Levi. Or Irvin. Poor guy.

“You’re kidding.” Kim’s voice was so deadpan I was amazed at the sound.

“What do you call a murdered man?”

“Are we back on murder?”

“Play along!” I encouraged.

“Uh, I don’t know. What _do_ you call a murdered man?”

“Dead-Lee.”

She laughed good-naturedly. “It would have been funnier if it was like a murdered Chinese friend, though. Like Lee is a Chinese name, right?”

“This is as bad as Taco Bell,” I muttered.

“Taco Bell?”

“Never mind.”

Despite how easy she was to talk to, Kim could only confirm that Levi had never been in an underground gang. Apparently, Mike and Irvin had gotten into a number of bar scraps before but Levi only stepped in to support his friends and never actually initiated any fights. I thought of his tired eyes and his bored demeanour and couldn’t disagree with the idea.

When I said goodbye to Kim, I felt a little lighter. Normal conversation after my strange day was welcomed.

But nothing could take away how utterly weird it all was.

Absentmindedly, I scrolled through my contact again. I didn’t have many. Sasha and everyone had forced their numbers onto me but I never texted any of them. Armin texts littered my inbox but he was too busy for brief conversations and, if we did need to talk, I called.

There was a name, however, that was as strange as my day had been.

Or the holder of the name, to be more precise.

_You’re not going to find out anything by being the idiot people know you as. Do something. You’re trying with the festival. Try trying with people._

I refused to think again, just for the night.

**Hey, Hanji. It’s Eren (obviously) ha. Can I meet the band sometime maybe? I want to make this festival thing happen.**

_I want to make this people thing happen too_.


	8. Ravioli

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not proof read (when is my work ever tbh) and it's also lots of dialogue but w/e ENJOY

The biggest debate of my life had become what was more annoying: the music department or Jean.

 _You know things are bad when you pick the music department over Jean. You know things are bad when you pick anything over Jean_.

Jean, for some reason unknown to anyone except maybe whatever lord above, had decided that he needed to keep me company when I waited an hour in the music department, as Mr Clifford dealt with drum practice and singing lessons. Then another half an hour when Mr Clifford flat out refused to see me.

I hadn’t studied music in two years then I remembered that was because I broke two tambourines and a guitar.

And almost gave Armin a black eye in the process.

“I broke a guitar once,” I told Jean pathetically. Mr Clifford had locked the door of the music room and my back was up against it, my knees up, my body deflated. I was close to giving up but no downfall could go without some form of self-loathing monologue. I was talking more to myself than Jean.

He didn’t get the memo and said, “It was a bass guitar, actually,” referring to one of the few memories he shared with me of my junior year music class.

“Still a guitar.” I glared at him. “Go away.”

“Are you just gonna give up?” he demanded.

“If I were giving up,” I told him slowly, deliberately treating him like he was dumb (which he was – just like me), “I would have gone home already.”

“No, you dumbass” – _see? We’re all dumb here_ – “if you were giving up, that would be the smart thing to do. Mr Clifford is a lost cause.”

“We need the music department.”

“No, _you_ need a brain!”

I willed myself not to get angry at that but when a stupid guy yells at you for being stupid, the stupidity becomes infectious. I managed to hold out punching him and simply yelled, “No, _you_ need to leave me alone. It’s not like you’re helping.”

Jean sighed loudly, eyes closing as he massaged the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. If it was possible to observe someone angrily, I was doing it.

Then he looked at me, with a surprising amount of patience. “Eren. You could follow Mr Clifford home and sit at his doorstep all night and he still wouldn’t agree just to get rid of you. Has it ever occurred to you that you need to ask for help?”

“What else do you think I’m doing?” I threw up my arms in frustration. “Mr Owen said the music department would have to assist me to stop this whole thing being a disaster. I’m at the music department and guess what? It’s a disaster!”

“That’s because-”

“Don’t lecture me!” I may have growled. I jumped to my feet, figuring my argument wasn’t so powerful coming from the floor. “They’re expecting me to get quality entertainment and they won’t even help me when I try. This isn’t my fault.”

“Well, maybe if you weren’t such a God damn nuisance through your high school career then they would be more willing to open their doors to you, Eren.” Jean’s words had bite. Either he was trying to deliberately hurt my feelings or he just plain didn’t like me enough to sugar coat anything for longer than a simple four line conversation. I tested his patience as much as he tested mine.

“I’m not a nuisance!” The only lie bigger than that would be: _I’m not useless_.

“You broke a guitar!” Jean yelled.

“A bass guitar!” I yelled back.

Jean screamed in frustration and turned away from me. We were both breathless from shouting at each other. I figured the worst was done.

“This is hopeless,” he finally said, his back still to me. He glanced over his shoulder and the expression in his eyes was shadowed, hidden deliberately. He looked through me and it felt like it did when Levi’s eyes passed through me.

Not just Levi but everyone. That’s what happened to people that were trouble. No one wanted to acknowledge you if you were useless. Jean didn’t even need to say it but it was implied: _you’re hopeless_.

I kicked the locked music door weakly, an excuse to turn away from Jean. “Mr Clifford? Sir, seriously, please! I can’t put on a stage by myself!”

I wasn’t even worth a response, not even a, “Go away, Jaeger.”

“Come on.” Jean didn’t wait to see if I would follow him out of the music department. He probably didn’t care if I didn’t. As far as he was concerned, I was more than welcome to camp out in school for an opportunity that wouldn’t exist. But he waited long enough and the fact that he waited at all made me curious enough to stop kicking a door that wouldn’t open.

I followed him.

Jogging a little to catch up to Jean, I asked, “What now?”

“You have two options,” he replied, without stopping or missing a beat. “You either hope Miss Mason is more sympathetic-”

“I didn’t break any recorders but I definitely didn’t contribute to her class with positivity,” I muttered.

Jean rolled his eyes but continued on, “ _Or_ you could work yourself up.”

“This isn’t a game of Sims, Jean,” I said impatiently.

“If it was, I would give anything for grim reaper to rise from a nearby toilet and take you with him.”

I mock gasped. “Did you just wish me dead?”

“What are you going to do?” Jean stopped to observe the roads. He waited for a cyclist to drive past, sneered at me then crossed the road. “Tell Mikasa?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Yes.”

That made him pause. He looked at me with wide eyes. “You wouldn’t.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

But then I remembered that Mikasa wouldn’t fight Jean for me and, besides, she was mad at me. Jean noticed and said, “Don’t start crying, Jaeger. It’s not your fault your sister likes me more than you.”

His boasting made me grit my teeth. “She doesn’t.”

“What happened?” He didn’t elaborate.

“We had an argument. Sibling stuff.” So I didn’t either.

He shrugged. “What’s new? You argue with everyone, even your sister. Give her some time and she’ll be back to protecting you from the big bad wolf. Just let her sulk. She deserves some time to do that, after living with you for so long.”

I glared at him. We faced off for a moment but neither threw a punch. Jean shook his head and stepped back, running a hand through his hair. “Now, do you want help or not or do you want to argue about your sister?”

“I don’t want your _help_ ,” I sneered. I couldn’t help it.

Suddenly, Jean pulled his bag off his back and hit me in the chest with it. I was so surprised by the move that I staggered back, clutching my torso as if I had been seriously wounded. We were in the middle of the sidewalk, on an empty street. The closest people were in the park another road away. Jean had no fear of being seen screaming at me.

“Listen here, you dumb piece of shit! I’m throwing you advice left, right and centre. I’m wasting my damn evening with your sorry ass. I have no reason to help you. None! You’re a complete bastard. You act like you know everything, you never think and you’re just a fucking riot. No one wants to help you, Eren, because you never _let_ them help you!” Jean’s face was flushed – with the effort it took to yell his point across or with the anger raging inside of him, I had no idea. “You suck, putting it bluntly. But it’s not your impulsiveness that gets me the most; it’s the fact that you can’t even let me finish a sentence. Shut up, okay? Shut the hell up and let me tell you what you’re going to do. You don’t even get a choice in the matter anymore. I’ve revoked it. Listen to me, you shitfuck. Are you listening? No- no! Don’t say anything. Just nod.”

I nodded.

“A lot of people don’t like you, we’ve established that fact.” Jean blew out a breath of air, his face still pink with effort. He didn’t look at me as he spoke. “But people are easy to win over, when they’re not at the top of whatever messed up power chain humans have created. All you have to do is make friends with someone who’s got some sort of credibility in whatever you need – in this case, the music department. If the little _influential_ people are on your side, they can convince the top dogs to be. All you have to do is be _nice_. Are you getting this? Take notes. Be _nice_. Make _friends_.”

And then, for good measure, he hit me with his bag again. I caught it this time and we stared at each other. He looked ready to punch me and maybe I was looking back in the same way but when I eventually spoke, it was a whispered, “You’re right.”

Jean dropped his bag but I still had a hold on it. “ _What?_ ”

“You’re right.” I coughed awkwardly then glared. “I’m not saying it again to feed your ego but it’s… a good idea. And it could work.”

“Yeah, well...” Jean ran a hand through his hair, his own persona confused. “You’ve gotta actually talk to people without ruining their life, if you go through with it.”

I was meant to insult him but instead I commented on the fact that he told me I had no choice earlier and his words now were contradicting. He snatched his bag back, pulled it over his shoulders and started marching down the street. Unlike everything else that had occurred this afternoon, this didn’t feel like Jean was _actually_ mad at me. It was mocking but a mutual understanding between us had occurred.

This wasn’t the first time either. _Huh. Weird._

“Wait up!”

Jean said something and it sounded like, “No.”

“Jeez.” I caught up easily. “It’s like you don’t even _want_ that thank you.”

“I deserve more than a thank you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, supreme ruler, Jean, how can I ever repay you?”

“Fuck off.”

“I can do that.”

He stopped and so did I. He looked at me like I was a puzzle that he wanted to work out. I didn’t relate to that; everything about me was open, ready-made and spread out for the world to see. Maybe the puzzle was himself.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” he told me, with a shrug. “I would have done the same for Marco.”

“Is that meant to be an insult?” I raised my eyebrows. “He’s your best friend. You don’t even _like_ me. The fact that you went out of your way-”

“Says a lot about my character,” Jean said dryly. He began walking again. “And my stupidity.”

“Can’t argue with that.”

“Shut up, Jaeger.”

He was still walking and I was still standing. I yelled, “He’s too good for you, you know?” I knew Jean would know I was talking about Marco. He didn’t even give me the finger. I decided that today had proved he was worth following. I refused to think about if I could put his plan into action but it was a start.

I had a lot of starts now.

It didn’t take long for Jean to start some sort of argument with me. I may have provoked him (I wanted to let him know that if he touched my sister, she was more than capable of breaking his hands but I would want to help out because blood is thicker than water.) I had the vague memory of Mikasa saying that to me whilst she was making my blood spill. I didn’t say this out loud. Jean said he was not interested in Mikasa, she was a friend and then proceeded to insult me. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Jean heard it before me. He paused when we were near the entrance of the park. I guessed that he hoped I wouldn’t hear it – the familiar sound of teenage boys hollering at each other and cruel laughter – but expected me to anyway. When I was looking at the source of the noise, Jean was looking at me.

“That’s one of the guys. From the fight.” I said the observation with neutral recognition.

“Eren.” Jean said my name with warning.

“I recognise him,” I said quietly, meeting the eyes of the other boy steadily.

Jean shook his head and reached out a hand without grabbing me. Maybe he expected me to snap at contact. Maybe he was smart after all. “Come on, Eren.”

“Let-” I started.

“Eren, let’s just go home,” he interrupted. He sounded as tired as he looked.

Some part of me felt sympathy for Jean but then I heard laughter – disgusting and familiar – and hatred outweighed sympathy.

He grabbed me before I could take a comfortable step forward. I struggled and he yelled, “Don’t do this, Eren! You know it’s a bad idea. Stand down. Let’s get out of here. We need to scram before they notice us.”

Anger makes everything fuzzy. I told him that I’d never heard him say anything that made him sound more of a coward in my life. He was holding me like he did when Armin told me about the wreckage of his home. He was good at it, for someone who had little self-control himself.

But this time he didn’t lecture into my ear, maybe because he knew some tricks only worked once. He turned me around and shoved me hard enough for me to need his solid form or I would end up on the sidewalk. His hands clutched the front of my shirt but I could feel his fingers digging into skin and I did the same.

“You know this is a bad idea,” he said breathlessly, angrily. Then he saw my expression and his own fell into confusion. He wasn’t so much glaring at me but looking at me like he had when he said he wanted the downfall of Sina Academy as much as I did. We were on the same side and he had proved that, today. He said it again, softly this time, “You know.”

I still fought him though.

“Let me go!”

“Okay,” he mumbled to the ground. “Maybe not.”

“They’re over there!” I would have pointed towards the four guys who wore Sina Academy blazers but that meant letting my opponent go and I was sure there was some fancy fighting technique against that.

“Exactly.” Jean just looked baffled at this point. Then he blinked and the anger was back. “What are you, dumb? We’re outnumbered and you’re at the top of the warning list. You may have no reason to like your face but I like mine! I am _not_ saving your ass again.”

I didn’t have a retort to that but my fight was gone before it started. Jean was right.

And he saw it.

His grip loosened and so did mine so we were just left staring at each other until the anger drained away. Judging by the amount of anger we were both capable of, that appeared to be taking a while. I felt the blood leave my face and the throbbing in my mind become dull until it was non-existent. As calm as his expression was, his eyes were still flighty, his shoulders still tense and the colour on his cheeks still stains of blood that didn’t look totally out of character. The only difference was, today, those same stains were not on me. My fists were clean. I felt almost _proud_.

During my moment of self-revelation, Jean was looking at me again – or maybe studying would be the better term. I wasn’t used to this kind of treatment from someone who I considered as uncritical as me so I shifted my feet, hoping for some explanation for why he was looking at me like… he was proud of me too.

I ducked my head and used my hands on his torso to push him away and move past. He didn’t speak so I did. “Let’s get out of here.”

This time, Jean followed me.

*

Since Mikasa was still mad at me, I had no choice but to reside in The Rose Wall. Pixis was busy with paper work, according to Thomas, so I just kept the guy company at the front, trying to make a can of coke last a couple of hours.

Around an hour and a half in, my failure was forgotten as someone slammed down their change beside me and asked for a can of, “whatever the young gentleman over here is having.”

“Do I look like a gentleman?” I grumbled.

Hanji smiled and the lighting in the room hid her eyes behind her glasses. “Not with that haircut. Come on.”

Thomas blinked as Hanji grabbed the can in one hand and me in the other. I protested lamely about detailed planning and embarrassing first encounters but I realised quickly that Hanji was about being straight forward and fast. I felt the prickle of déjà vu as she pulled me to the table where The Corps drank their coffee at, remembering the night Kim had introduced me to her friends – and the band I was now sitting with. Hanji had placed mein between her and Irvin. Levi glared at me across the table. Mike gave me a single expressionless glance then went back to his coffee.

“Everyone, this is Eren,” Hanji introduced, with flourish.

“Okay…” Irvin trailed off, eyebrows raised in question. When I shrugged helplessly at him, his small smile told me he understood. Hanji was probably the type of person to take in stray cats even if she were allergic to them then send them off to the homes of her friends when logic kicked in. Irvin looked affectionate.

Levi, on the other hand, looked ready to kill.

“Why are you here?” He may as well have snarled. I gulped but couldn’t exactly explain that I was using his best friend to get through to him that I needed the whole band’s contribution if I wanted my community service to be credited.

“Ignore Levi, he’s having a bad day,” Hanji said, in her usual perky tone.

Mike blew over his coffee and murmured, “More like a bad life,” into it.

Levi glowered at them both.

Then… that was it. No one demanded any sort of explanation as to why I – a measly, admittedly uncool high schooler – was hanging out with some big (okay, not in Levi’s case) cool rock band. After the first five minutes of awkwardly memorising the pattern of the wood on the table, Hanji handed me my coke, forcing me to look up at her. This time, I could see her eyes and it was comforting, which wasn’t usually a word I would put with Hanji but you take what you get. As soon as the barely concealed panic was subdued, she grinned and winked with exaggerated secrecy. That was definitely _not_ comforting.

Levi didn’t speak but instead fixed his eyes on me, probably with the objective to make me so uncomfortable I would leave. The man who asked me to light his cigarette for him was replaced with something close to the sulky teenage stereotype. I was determined not to let him win, even as I remembered the feel of his hands over mine and the subtle smell of smoke still lingering on me. When Irvin, Hanji and Mike all laughed genuinely at an unintentional joke I made, I felt pride, similar to the pride I felt when I hadn’t rushed into the park to fight a losing battle.

The supporting sound of laughter reminded me that I hadn’t lost – not quite yet.

Levi’s glare reminded me that I hadn’t won either though.

“I like this kid,” Mike commented, giving me a grin.

Hanji looped her arm around me as I fought hard not to beam with happiness, which helped because her grip was close to a choke hold. She clutched me as though I was her creation and proudly announced, “Me too! I suggest we adopt him.”

“Hanji,” Irvin said, with warning. She withdrew her arm with a pout and Irvin nodded in my direction. “I don’t know what’s going on but it isn’t often this table laughs.”

“I think he’s God sent.” Hanji wasn’t done glorifying me.

“Please tell me you’re not talking religion.” I could almost _hear_ Levi’s eye roll.

“We clearly are on the wrong path,” she continued smoothly. “I mean, sitting in a dark _old_ bar? Consuming _no_ alcohol? Talking about Smith and Dok industries and _marketing schemes_? We’re not even twenty five yet! This is preposterous! I demand a change in character.”

“Oh, goody,” Mark said flatly. “Maybe you’ll stop being batshit crazy.”

Hanji responded by jumping up to snatch his coffee and then proceed to glare at the band. “We need to feel young again.” She paused then smiled in my direction. “And Eren, here, is going to help us.”

 _This was not part of the plan_.

Levi shook his head but my saviours were Irvin and Mike. As embarrassing as rejection was, I would rather they reject taking on a hopeless charity case than bungee jump with Hanji so she could feel sixteen again.

Irvin stared at me shamelessly, analysing the overgrown hair and the hoodie/t-shirt combo that I’m sure he was familiar with, even if his hoodie and t-shirt looked designer and maybe French. Mike just eyed his coffee. Hanji remained standing and Levi, as bored as he appeared, was also waiting for the guitarist’s response.

The blonde shrugged and then gave me a dazzling (there was actually no other way to describe a smile _that_ charismatic) grin. “How old are you, Eren?”

I cleared my throat so I wouldn’t choke on my lifespan. “Seventeen.”

“It’s been a while,” Irvin said, tapping his chin with his forefinger. “But I wouldn’t mind being seventeen again.”

Hanji slammed down Mike’s coffee (which he grabbed hastily, giving me a grateful wink as he sipped) and cheered, attracting the attention of the few others in the bar. She didn’t care and I didn’t think Hanji really needed to grow young again.

Jean’s advice came to mind. _People are easy to win over._

“You guys are unbelievable,” Levi muttered. No one paid attention to him, not even me after acknowledging his negativity. Despite Hanji’s plan taking a twist that put me in an uncomfortable spotlight, I was seeing its merits. I couldn’t exactly waltz in and expect a band to just help me. This was a careful dance.

_If the little influential people are on your side, they can convince the top dogs to be. All you have to do is be nice._

“This is gonna be the best project I have ever done!” Hanji whooped, punching the air, until Levi told her to calm down and she proceeded to dance around. He told her to sit down because she looked like she needed arresting. Mike and Irvin laughed when Hanji grabbed at Levi’s hands, encouraging him to dance too.

_Make friends._

“Hanji, get- get off me, you dimwit!” Levi wasn’t seeing the funny side. He swatted her away mercilessly. “Have you guys ever considered asking him if this is what he wants?”

The laughter and dancing stopped abruptly. Hanji blinked a few times behind her glasses before joining the others and staring at me. The only one who seemed to really see me was Levi, the expression his eyes as passive as ever, but his words could be interpreted as concerned.

He broke our gaze and looked towards the door, as if he would give anything to be anywhere but here. Sighing, he added, “He’s a human being, not a canvas, Hanji.”

She sat back down and the usual air of the table settled: serious, brooding, Levi-like. I finally understood why they didn’t feel young – Levi wouldn’t let them. They weren’t expecting me to turn back time for them but were hoping for a miracle; that I would somehow change Levi.

“Of course! Eren, do you want to do this?” Hanji said, finally. She looked at me with kindness – her whole expression open and honest – and I thought about how, under the front, Hanji was a good person, entirely. This charade may have been an alibi so I could convince the band to play at the festival but I thought about the table they sat on and the cups they drank coffee out of and the hands that lit each other cigarettes. I thought about adulthood and I wondered about when I got there – the world of quiet tables and high caffeine – and if someone gave me the chance to go back to what I am now and set things right, would I take it?

Mike added, “Yeah, do you really wanna hang around with some old people on your nights?” but his smile was genuine, as was the expression in Irvin’s eyes and Levi’s words.

 _Be nice. Make friends_.

“Old people?” I repeated, shaking my head. “Are you guys kidding? You’re a band. Your street cred will save me from my lunch money being beaten out of me every Monday.”

Everyone laughed and I knew they’d got their answer. I turned to Hanji and said sternly, “No bungee jumping.”

Levi turned his head away and I knew he was either trying not to smile or he had failed.

“I was thinking more…” Hanji trailed off, waving her hand around in thought. “ _Sky diving_.”

“ _No_.”

Everyone (well, mostly everyone) laughed again.

“Watch it, that’s Levi’s favourite word,” Mike muttered into his coffee. He did that a lot.

Irvin raised a brow. “I thought _fuck_ was his favourite.”

This was apparently the wrong thing to say to a man in the midst of a sip. Mike spluttered and choked out a gruff, “You be careful too, Irvin.”

“Shut up and drink your damn coffee.” Levi didn’t even look fazed. He rolled his eyes as Irvin thumped Mike’s back and pointedly refused to meet Hanji’s gaze. It didn’t take a genius that this situation wasn’t in his favour. It seemed that Levi preferred not to laugh on a day-to-day basis. _If ever_.

“Moral of story,” Hanji almost sang, “Levi’s favourite words are bad words.”

“Fuck no.” Levi’s reply was automatic. I couldn’t tell if he deliberately put those two words together to make Hanji gasp and clutch her chest as if searching for her stash of rosary beads or if that was just how he was. I guessed a bit of both.

“You need Jesus.”

“You need a-”

Irvin cut Levi off mid-insult to gesture at me. “Not in front of the minor.”

“I’m seventeen,” I pointed out.

“Come on, Eren, back me up here.” Irvin sighed dramatically but it wasn’t against me. He winked when Hanji nudged Levi and he threatened to throw her off her chair. “I need an excuse to Levi from breaking Hanji’s glasses.” _Okay, so maybe he’s a little serious_.

I looked at Levi in disbelief. “You’d _actually_ do that?”

He met my eyes then looked away with a shrug. Hanji jutted out her bottom lip and nodded, eyes wide behind her glasses. “He would. He’s ruthless, Eren. A danger to humanity. He must be stopped and _you_ must be the one to-”

Levi interrupted Hanji’s prophecy by scraping his chair back and announcing, “That’s it, I’m done with you all. I need a smoke.”

“-stop Levi smoking,” Hanji finished with triumph.

“What?” This alibi was no longer just an alibi. Hanji actually expected me to work some magic and bring Levi down a few years. Everything was happening too fast.

“I don’t see that happening.” Levi didn’t sound threatened. He leant forward uncomfortably close to me with his usual expressionless eyes “In fact, I think Eren’s going to be putting the cigarette in my mouth himself.”

Then Levi stood up and walked away. No one spoke until the bar door shut in his exit.

“You know, I’ve known him all my life,” Irvin said, capturing my attention. “He doesn’t take well to strangers.”

I shifted uncomfortably, realising that none of them had any idea that we had spent a whole day together and that Levi’s cigarette jibe wasn’t a metaphor for me stressing him out so much he had to smoke forty a day. “Was that taking well?”

“He may seem like he hates you but…” Mike scratched his head. “Nah, he probably hates you but not as much as the rest of the world.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Mike grinned in understanding and Irvin watched me with careful eyes. I wondered what he was looking for in my face. Proof that I wasn’t a stranger? Proof that Levi did, in fact, hate me as much as everyone else?

Then Irvin smiled and it was like the whole inspection didn’t happen. “Well, whatever Levi thinks, Eren, let’s hope you do us good.”

“Now,” Mike rubbed his hands together, his coffee cup discarded, “how do we corrupt this kid?”

Hanji threw a rolled up tissue into the bassist’s face. He ducked and shooed in his friend’s direction whilst Irvin asked if Hanji had brought me to ruin or to help us. She replied a bit of both. It was too soon to regret agreeing to this but Hanji was making it difficult to think otherwise.

“Yeah but we can’t do that sat in this place, can we?” Mike looked around at the calm wooden interior and the soft chatter of old men playing cards and drinking beer just like they did every single day for the past twenty years.

“You both are idiots. We’re going to show Eren how we lived when were his age. We’re all new here.” Hanji acted as if they were going to teach me how to swim, not potentially ruin my future any more than it was already ruined.

“Um…”

“Don’t worry, we won’t force you take any drugs. We’ve already got one maniac in the crew.” Irvin was much more comforting than Hanji but _still_ …

“Less crew, more… _family_.” Hanji was just proving Irvin’s point.

“Then we’re pretty fucked up, don’t you think?” Irvin laughed and he had the musical laughter that was infectious enough for everyone to join in. “And our teenage son is currently outside sulking and wearing his lungs away.”

“Eren, go talk to him.” Hanji seized the opportunity so quick that even I knew that she had planned for the conversation to take this turn.

I wanted to talk to Levi but I also didn’t. Hanji’s forward method of bringing me into the group had worked well for everyone but him. And Levi was the most important, really.

Hanji grinned at me and hanging out with Levi seemed like a less frightening option under her planning gaze. “Think of it as… _initiation_.”

Before I could panic, Hanji lost her scary face and pulled me up, patting my shoulder as she did. “Go out there and tell him we’ve invited you to The Foxy.”

 _Okay._ “The… Foxy?” _That definitely does_ not _sound good._

“He’s probably not into that kinda thing, Hanji. Leave the kid alone.” Irvin didn’t bother to elaborate what ‘that kinda thing’ actually was.

“It’s a club, not a drug den, Irvin. Loosen up! Too many office nights are changing you, man.”

“A club?” I echoed, more to myself than them. I hadn’t actually ever been in that kinda scene but The Corps were popular people so I doubted it would be a run-down underage basement party with too many coke cans mixed with low level alcohol. _And imagine Jean’s face when you tell him you actually got into a place like that_. I grinned and said, “Okay.”

Hanji grinned again but this time it was less crazy, more joyful. “Really?”

“Everyone’s gotta have a teenage experience, right?” I shrugged like it was no big deal and the act worked; Irvin and Mike looked impressed.

There was only so much normality Hanji could stand of course. She twisted me around, fingers digging into my shoulders. “Can I dress you up? Oh my god, Eren, we’re gonna make you look the part.”

I think it was Mike that muttered, “I should sure hope not.”

“You should probably get out of here before she starts talking about leather pants.” There was obviously a reason why everyone was in love with Irvin and that was probably because he was just a nice guy.

As I walked away, I could hear Hanji and Levi bickering.

“Irvin, you wear leather pants!”

“Beside the point.”

The last thing I heard was Mike slamming his empty coffee cup down and telling them both that he would wear leather pants just to shut them up. Hanji supported this idea happily. I felt bad for Mike and what he had, unintentionally, got himself into.

I was still smiling idiotically when Levi noticed me (before I noticed him, unsurprisingly.” “Took you long enough,” he said, smoke filtering through his pale lips.

“Were you waiting for me?” I blinked at him as I settled my back against the wall he always smoked in front of.

“Yes, Eren,” he said dryly, with a roll of his eyes. “I care just as much as Hanji does about your God awful personality.”

Now, I was used to Levi being rude and discouraging; he was _Levi_ but something in his tone was sharper than usual. It felt like a losing battle – the festival, convincing him to join, being his friend, all of it.

I looked away, rubbing my hands together in the cold for warmth. “That’s… mean.”

“I’m mean.” Levi snorted, as if I had said something really idiotic. I supposed I had. “You’d think that you’d have established that by now.”

I didn’t say anything and neither did he. The once steady, if not comfortable, silence between us was gone. Even when we had just met, Levi was gentler, as if he knew I meant no harm in what I said and I was just a fond little idiot he enjoyed laughing at. He was done laughing.

His reaction hurt a lot for someone who was only meant to be a stranger.

“Oh, sweet Jesus. Kid, don’t look like that.” I wasn’t very good at hiding what was on my face but dignity stopped me from facing him properly until a cold hand touched my own. I jerked my head up in surprise to find his face close to mine, the smell of smoke strong on his lips and weariness weak in his eyes. “I don’t have a problem with your company. I don’t give a shit if you want to hang out with us, okay?” When I didn’t respond, he wrapped his hand around one of my fists and squeezed it gently. “Okay, Eren?”

I nodded. He sighed and let go awkwardly so I shoved my hands in my pockets, not sure how I felt about being petted by a grumpy lead singer/potential killer. He continued smoking but didn’t stop talking, this time. “This religious experience Hanji’s going for, don’t expect to get anything out of it. Hanji’s a good person but she’s reckless, impulsive. Once she gets bored, you’re done for.”

It wasn’t hard to guess what Levi was saying. _Levi’s calling me boring_. “She’ll get bored of me then?”

“Unless you get exciting real quick.”

“So yes?”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t need to.

After a while, he said, “And don’t expect me to turn seventeen again.”

“How old are you?” I asked, without thinking.

He gave me a withering look, like I was something you’d find on the bottom of a shoe. “That’s fucking rude, you know? You don’t ask people how old they are.”

“I thought that only applied to rich old women.”

“How do you know I’m not any of those things?”

I was more frustrated with him than he was with me, unsurprisingly. “Why can’t anything be a straight answer with you?”

“Maybe because…” He started but then let the sentence go, shaking his head as he tossed his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it.

The next silence was better than the last; not good but better.

“Hanji invited me to a place called, um, The Foxy,” I blurted out.

“Did she say what it was?” As usual, Levi didn’t even blink.

“A club, right?” We had no reason to stand around in the cold now he was done smoking but he just leant one side against the wall and looked at me. His eyes weren’t expressionless anymore but difficult to read, like looking through coloured glass to find an intricate, detailed design.

He nodded. “Popular bar. Let me guess, she wanted to turn you into a Ken doll too?”

“Leather pants.”

Levi looked almost as though he would laugh, one side of his mouth tilting up slightly. “Are you going to let her go through with it?”

“Fuck no.”

Levi let out a single laugh that could be mistaken for a breath. It was gone before I could process it. I smiled because he not only understood my joke but appreciated it too. Kinda.

“You do realise what kinda bar we’re talking about, right, Eren?” he said softly.

I hesitated. “It’s not a strip club, is it?”

Levi just rolled his eyes. “Forget it. You can come.”

I breathed out a quiet sigh of relief. I knew Hanji would drag me there either way – leather pants or not – but it felt good to have Levi’s approval. This whole charade was for his approval, really.

“How will you get me in?”

“What are you, twelve?” His voice wasn’t as sharp as it was before so the insult felt like a gentle, teasing punch on the arm. “You’ll be with us. Just try not to give away the fact that you’re clearly the biggest virgin in the room.”

I couldn’t stop myself from flushing and rubbed at my cheeks, as if it was the cold making me flustered and not the fact that I was completely transparent under Levi’s opaque gaze. His eyes widened and, for once, I could guess his thoughts. _Holy shit, the kid is actually a virgin. He’s so virgin; I don’t think he could be anything other than virgin. Eren Virgin Jaeger._

The situation was so disastrous; I had no choice but to change the subject hurriedly and obviously. “Is there any reason why you don’t want to do it- the festival, I mean?”

“Ah, so that’s why you’re here.” It worked and Levi looked down at his hands like he wished there was a cigarette between them. “Does there have to be a reason?”

“Well, that’s just how it is.” It could have been a question. “There are usually reasons why someone wants something so it has to be the same with not wanting, right?”

“Who said I want anything?” Levi looked at me levelly and he wasn’t coloured glass but a closed door, locked with an abandoned room behind it. The thought was kinda sad. I ruined my chances with people but Levi deliberately avoided them.

“You want me to leave you alone.” Everything I said wasn’t sure enough to be a statement but not unsure enough to be a question.

“Don’t big yourself up, kid. You’re hardly the object of my desires.”

“Object?” I repeated, staring at him as he stared at the grey sky. _Desires?_

Then he said, “I’ll think about it,” and I forgot about my questions.

“ _What?_ ”

He rolled his eyes, something he was doing more and more in my presence. But it felt fond, almost. “Don’t look so excited. I said I’d _think_ about-”

A screeching sound cut him off. He stared at me as if I produced the high pitched squeal. I shook my head but I saw Hanji coming. I just didn’t expect her to almost tackle us both to the ground by wrapping her arms around our necks and pulling us into the most uncomfortable hug known to man.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, _yes_! _Yes!_ ” Hanji’s last _yes_ was extended to more of a scream.

I was too shocked to protest but Levi swore, trying to untangle himself from Hanji’s grip. However, a happy Hanji was a hazardous Hanji. She didn’t let go and began singing her approval, using us as handles to swing on (no exaggeration.)

Levi looked at me darkly and I gulped, as if it were my fault that Hanji had just thrown herself onto us. I would have been more worried about him backing out of thinking about the festival but Hanji was practically choking me. I could feel my face going slightly purple and Levi’s eyes widened in what could have been concern but maybe just distress at the fact that he would have a dead body in his hands soon enough.

“Hanji, are you out of your _mind_?” Levi didn’t yell, not exactly. His voice was too low, too controlled for that. Every word he said usually had an angry undertone anyway but the question that stilled Hanji in her happiness didn’t have an angry undertone – it was angry altogether.

“What?” she said dazedly, eyes dreamy behind her glasses. She still hadn’t loosened up. I made a choking sound and she looked at me like she expected my choking to translate to quantum mechanics or something.

“Hanji, he’s _choking_! Get off him!” Levi said – loudly, furiously but still not shouting. He pushed at Hanji’s arm and she blinked at us before it clicked and she let go abruptly. She jumped back with a gasp but Levi caught me before I fell chin first onto the sidewalk.

Careful hands helped me lean against the wall and rubbed my back as I coughed. It wasn’t like  I genuinely thought I would die but, with Hanji’s fiercely strong but ignorant grip and Levi’s frustration, this whole evening was nothing more than one confusion after the other.

“Shit, shit, shit! I’m sorry, Eren!” Hanji, obviously, could shout. And loud. “Are you okay? Do you want-”

“Hanji.” Levi was quiet and I thought he was deadliest when his voice was barely over a whisper. But that almost whisper was so near to me, hanging over my head, and I wanted to lift my head and say it was okay, that Hanji was only happy and I forgave her. But my head spun and I just kept my hands on my knees and tried to breathe right.

She whispered another sorry and handed Levi something before walking away. Levi gave me another minute before his cold fingers lifted my head up, fingers tugging my chin, and a bottle was pressed to my lips.

“Courtesy of the killer,” he told me, when our eyes met. He searched my face, similarly to how he had when he saw the bruises Mikasa had inflicted on me when we first met.

I took the drink and gave him a look that I hoped was grateful. He nodded once, understanding, and stepped away from me. I didn’t feel the light pressure on my back until it was gone.

He didn’t say anything, his expression dark and closed off. I liked Hanji, despite the fact that she almost choked me, but she picked a hell of a bad time to put Levi into anti-Eren mode.

“It’s okay-”

“Eren,” he said and it seemed like he only ever said my first name when he was being serious. “She choked you in a hug. Literally _choked_. I forgot to add dangerous to the list of traits Hanji possesses but now you know, first hand. Do you honestly want to hang out with someone who can you kill you with happiness?”

I started to laugh but stopped when Levi’s eyes showed flickers of confusion. He was actually seriously asking me this. I rubbed at my throat then stopped that too when Levi stared at the red marks I’m sure were forming. I hoped it wasn’t anything too serious or Mikasa would think I was fighting again.

Then I remembered my sister wasn’t on talking terms with me and I turned away. I sighed and said, “She didn’t mean it.”

“Hanji never means bad,” he said grumpily. “And God forbid if she ever does. But we’re used to her. We’ve all known each other for so long that surprises like that aren’t surprises.”

“She surprised you.”

Levi caught my gaze. “That’s because of you.”

I swallowed. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He kicked some gravel, as if he wanted to not look at me. I could almost hear Jean’s insults in my head, not blaming Levi for wanting to keep his sight. Too many hours with Jean were corrupting my head.

The imaginary argument in my head with my arch nemesis was interrupted by Levi saying, “And stop defending her. Shitty four eyes could have seriously hurt you.”

“She didn’t mean it,” I said again weakly, this time.

Levi’s previous anger simmered under eyes that looked pale blue in the evening sun. “Are you honestly that besotted with Hanji that you can’t see that she can be a complete fucking moron?”

I was ready to defend myself and Hanji (she owed me for this) when his words caught up on me. I did that thing where I almost tripped in shock. “ _Besotted?_ ”

He looked impatient. He even tapped his foot. “Besotted.”

“Wait, what?”

“You heard me.” He rolled his eyes and I wanted to close his eyes, as if they were the cause of all my confusion (though, sometimes, they kinda were.) “It’s misplaced.”

“Wait, what?”

“You just said that.”

“Wait, _what?_ ”

“Stop-”

“Are you implying that I have a…” I waved my hands around in a pointless motion that did not explain the situation but did explain my puzzlement.

“That motion could easily be interpreted as something dirty,” he remarked.

“Good thing you like to clean,” I said dryly.

He raised his eyebrows.

“I don’t have a crush on Hanji!” It took a lot to not yell it in his face, plus my throat was still sore.

“Good,” Levi said smoothly. “She’s a lesbian.”

I actually did fall over in shock this time. “ _Wait, what?_ ”

“Now you’re just trying to piss me off.” He reached out and straightened me up with a hand on my forearm. Though his attitude was still as bitter as the coffee he drank, he didn’t seem to mind tugging me about. Saturday had changed Levi for the better, clearly. “Yes, Eren, Hanji is a lover of the female gender. She likes her own kind. She probably likes girls more than both of us put together. She enjoys cats.”

“Cats?” I blinked.

The single word was deadpan. “Pussy.”

 _Levi just said pussy_.

“Oh.”

“I know, right?” He wasn’t good at fake enthusiasm, which was kinda the point, I suppose.

 _Now, what the hell do I say in a situation like this?_ “Is she, uh, seeing anyone?”

“Why? Do you have a sister?” His eyes were in the mid-roll stage when he stopped and muttered, “Shit, you do. Is Mikasa a lesbian?”

I groaned. “Why do you ask such weird questions?”

“Why are you avoiding her?”

“Hanji?”

“No, Mikasa!” Levi was also good at being snappy when he was seriously wound up. It was amusing to see (if you weren’t on the receiving end of it because then, it was just damn scary.)

I stared at him. He really was full of surprises today. “How do you know that?”

“You crept into the bar like a thief.”

“I did not-”

“Let me rephrase,” he said, tugging my hood down. I hadn’t realised I was wearing it all the way through my evening of socialising. Levi’s fingers brushed my cheek, barely. My head was automatically ducked so we were meeting eye to eye. “You _look_ like a thief.”

“Oh.”

The response didn’t satisfy him. He let go of me. “I know, right?”

“Stop saying that-”

“No.”

“Agh!”

Levi almost smiled but didn’t let off. He expected answers but didn’t press the topic.

I let out a breath and ran a hand through my unruly hair. “Ever since we met – became family – Mikasa has always babied me, looked after me, looked out for me. I don’t feel like I’ve grown at all sometimes. From getting me out of fights to dumb things, like… I don’t know, checking homework and making sure I don’t drive my bike when the tires are about to go-”

“Only you would be that stupid,” Levi muttered.

I glared at him. He shrugged and gestured for me to carry on. I did. “She’s strong and smart and organised and popular. She’s all the things that I thought I didn’t want to be. I guess I don’t _really_ care about being something I’m not but it’s embarrassing – for us both. Every time I mess up, it looks bad on me and it looks bad on her. I’m a disappointment to the only family I’ve got left. It sucks.” I smiled, like it was no big deal, but Levi’s eyes were devoid of any of their earlier humour. He didn’t say anything but I understood, once again. Maybe I was getting better at understanding.

“I made her mad,” I admitted.

“Is that really surprising?” Levi’s lips turned up, ever so slightly. He was teasing but it was the good kind of teasing. He was trying to make me feel better, in his strange own way.

It worked. I felt a little lighter saying the truth out loud and my next words spiralled out easily. “No, _really_ mad. We don’t usually go long without talking but this- this feels like a grudge that could last for far too long.”

Levi nodded once. “And was it worth it? Was whatever you did worthy of her being the most mad at you, in the history of the Jaeger household grudges?”

“I said something without thinking,” I explained, smiling gratefully at his joke. “And no. She’s _family_.”

“So you regret what you said?”

“What is this? Twenty questions?” I tugged at my hair in frustration. “Yes, I regret it! It makes me feel sick.”

“You’ve tortured yourself enough then,” he murmured. He nudged my side with his elbow. It didn’t hurt but it surprised me enough that I winced. “Go apologise.”

“But the band-”

“Is going to stay here and abuse this bar and its cheap instant coffee.” His face was softer or maybe it was the sunset. He was still silver, even with the light of the burning sky on him, but no longer sharp, not entirely. “We’re not going anywhere, kid. Family is important.”

“But so are friends.”

We stared at each other. I was waiting for him to deny our friendship – what else could this be? – and I had no idea what he was waiting for.

He snorted and I was sure he was hiding a smile. “Friends don’t cook you dinner, even when you ask nicely. Multiple times.”

“I don’t cook. I told you,” I said, confused by his insistence on me cooking, unless he wanted food poisoning. “Mikasa does.”

“Then I’m not interested. Go say sorry.”

“But-”

He moved so quick that I didn’t have time to even call out in surprise. His hands reached up and grabbed my hood, using it to pull me down and look me dead in the eye, as he said, “Sorry.”

I paused, deliberating my chances. I figured the joke was worth it. In a serious voice, I said, “For what?”

Instantly, Levi groaned and let me go, putting a hand over his face in shame. I laughed at the dramatic reaction and he glared through his fingers. “Get out,” he said.

“But I’m already outs-”

He grabbed my hood (again) and hissed, “Finish that sentence and I’ll show you how _I_ like my balls.”

I became aware of his height and the distance between his knee and my crotch. I swallowed nervously and said, “I’ll go apologise to Mikasa.”

“Good.”

I looked away from him. “But I won’t tell her about you guys.”

“I didn’t think you would.” He wasn’t surprised but when was he ever?

“I want to look after everyone.” I smiled and it felt fragile and nervous. “For a change.”

He didn’t argue but remarked, “Everyone is a lot of people.”

“You know what I mean,” I snapped and he raised his eyebrows like he was joking but I knew he wasn’t. He wasn’t talking about everyone in the world but about the everyone in the world I lived in, which was still far too many.

“Yeah.”

He let go off my hood but I didn’t raise my head. We were as close as I had been with Jean earlier today but there was a distinct difference in the energy between us. Instead of simply lifting his hands and stepping away from me, Levi dropped them to my shoulders, pausing as if to rest before sliding them down my shoulders, down my chest and applying the subtlest of pressures to my stomach. It didn’t feel like he was pushing me away. I wondered if he realised I could feel the cold temperature of his skin or the lines of his palms through my shirt. The strange move was so casually dismissed when we broke contact that I didn’t think he cared.

We were a feet away when he nodded and said, “Good luck with Mikasa.”

“I- uh, thank you,” I said but he was walking away.

“And look after yourself.” He glanced over his shoulder and met my eyes. Levi had changed from the dark brooding lead singer to the guy who bought me Taco Bell. It wasn’t obvious but he was nicer. Still dark, still brooding, probably still singing but nicer. “First.”

“Of- of course I-”

Levi’s lips tilted up. “Last time Mikasa got you, you looked like shit.”

“Oh.”

“I know-” he started.

“Wrong,” I finished.

He smiled. “Later, Jaeger. Have fun babysitting the world.”

The sight of Levi walking away from me wasn’t unfamiliar but this time I called out. “Bye… Levi.” His name felt odd in my mouth, tense on my tongue, clumsy on my lips.

Levi paused but then continued on as if the echo of his name in the air was just the thrumming of my heart. He closed the door and I breathed out. Levi was nicer but that didn’t mean he was nice. It seemed, at the end of it all, he was always going to be the one walking away from me.

*

Levi had told me to apologise but he didn’t exactly tell me how, like with the dinner thing. I spent another two days not talking to my sister whilst trying to figure out what would be a sufficient enough way to make up for how awful I was to her. Nothing came to mind so I just took what Levi originally gave me.

 _If he could see me right now, he would definitely not be asking for a dinner invite_.

Instead of baked beans on toast, I searched the internet for an easy-to-follow but worthy recipe to make for dinner. Whilst Mikasa was at volleyball practice, I spent the evening trying to make some sort of ravioli.

Mikasa was only an hour away from getting home and all I had was some burnt pasta and crushed hope. Instead of Levi’s bored but firm advice, I thought of what Jean had said

 _You argue with everyone, even your sister. Give her some time. She deserves some time to do that, after living with you for so long_.

Getting Yoda lessons from Jean in my head was bad enough – it was even worse when he was right. She deserved better. His advice made everything so much more pessimistic.

Jean and Levi living in my head was creeping me out but it was making it easy to compare the two. They both had their times of wisdom and I occasionally wanted to stab one of them (whilst the other wanted to stab _me_ instead.) But Jean was like a storm that had to happen before everything could possibly be right again and Levi was a constant drizzle, a little grey cloud that’s silver depended on the lighting, on the mood.

At that thought, I went back into the kitchen and tried again. Mikasa came home an hour and fourteen minutes after. To make our story a happy one, the ravioli would be done deliciously, she would appreciate the gesture and accept my apology and I would go to bed satisfied. Instead, I was no better off than I was an hour and fourteen minutes previously. In fact, I was worse.

I almost set the kitchen on fire.

“Eren! Eren- Eren, what the hell are you doing?”

I didn’t reply to Mikasa’s yelling, desperately trying to cool down a pan that was overflowing by blowing on top of it. She didn’t waste any time by taking the pan and dumping it in the sink. Just as quickly, she turned and screamed, “Eren, what the fuck is going on?”

I wished I could answer her.

Ten minutes later, Mikasa had saved the food disaster somehow and made some decent dinner. I set out the table (at least that couldn’t go wrong, unless I dropped a plate or something, which I wouldn’t put past me) and didn’t answer Mikasa’s question until she asked again, when we were both toying with the pasta on our plates.

“So,” she said, putting down her fork as she levelled her gaze with mine, “want to explain why you were trying to burn down the kitchen?”

I shrugged and took a sip of my water. She raised an eyebrow so I sighed as I put the glass down before answering. “It was me trying to be nice.”

“Nice?” She repeated the word as if it was in another language.

“ _Yes_. Nice,” I snapped. “It’s not like it worked out so forget it.”

“What part?” she asked flatly. “The dinner or the nice?”

I clenched my fists to stop from breaking something. We weren’t on speaking terms but we were never cruel to each other. I had _tried_ , didn’t that count for anything?

“I’m trying to apologise for what happened, sis. The least you could do is be fucking decent about it.”

Mikasa didn’t say anything so I went and dumped my almost full plate on the counter (I would eat it later when Mikasa went out with our- no, _her_ friends, as she had been doing every night.)

I had to pass the table to go to my room. Mikasa was still sitting, still not eating. She whispered something and I stopped at the doorway. She said it again so I turned.

“You’re not acting like yourself.” She sounded angry.

I shrugged and that made her angrier. She glared at me. “You’re not acting like Eren! One minute you’re irrationally angry – like you’ve always been, I know, but I always thought you had some rationality when it comes to me, to family. And the next, you’re apologising.”

I rolled my eyes and felt like Levi. “I’ve apologised before.”

“Yeah, normal apologies that are expected of you because you’re _Eren_. You say sorry but you don’t _apologise_. You don’t _try_. Beans on toast and burnt pasta is trying and trying isn’t you.”

“I thought you’d appreciate that.” I frowned. “Well, not the burning part but-”

“I do,” she said, sounding like she didn’t. “But- but it’s not _you_ , Eren.”

And now it was my turn to be angry. “No, Mikasa, it is me. It’s not the me that was last year- hell, it isn’t the me that was last month. But it is _me_. I’m still your brother…”

Her anger left when mine began. I shrugged, as if it was no big deal, and she fell for it. It was like the understanding me and Mikasa had been displaced onto mine and Levi’s friendship (it was still weird to call it that.)

She had nothing to say so I smiled because I knew we’d be okay. I didn’t need to say sorry anymore because, this time, she was hurting me.

Mikasa probably saw the smile as the Eren that burned down the kitchen out of spite and not because he wanted to make amends. Cooking dinner didn’t mean anything. I added that as another thought I needed to share with Levi.

“I’m trying to be better,” I said and it sounded like the biggest lie in the world when it was the second biggest truth in my life – after the fact that I was useless.

*

A week later and Levi was no less cooperative but no more either. I went to the bar after school, most days, and just sat, observing The Corps in their artificial habitat. I wondered if they were any different at the bars they usually sat at but I didn’t ask them why they left and came here. I even resisted the urge to ask how fans didn’t find them here, after they played once before. Levi’s threat was strong in his eyes but it still seemed strange that Lucas hadn’t found Levi again. I was glad though. Part of me was still a bit afraid of outspoken Lucas.

No one mentioned the festival again. Not even Hanji brought up feeling young again. I figured this week was just for me to get to know them without having to ask awkward question, like I did with Levi every time he went out for a smoke and dragged me with him (literally.)

Over the course of the week, Levi had found out my most embarrassing stories through childhood (I had multiple), my favourite Marvel superhero (Iron Man because of the gadgets though I related to Hulk’s anger at the world) and where I was the most ticklish (don’t ask.) I told him about how Mikasa and I were talking again but I didn’t think things would be okay with us for a while. He told me that was a side effect for me lying to her. Out of all the lectures he gave me, Levi didn’t once tell me to go tell her the truth though. Maybe it was because he knew that Mikasa would freak out about this whole thing. She was my sister but also my only parent figure (aside from Pixis but all he did was fling glasses at me when I messed up) and Levi didn’t seem like the kinda guy who did well when meeting parents.

Or anyone.

I got the phone call from Hanji just as I got home. Mikasa was getting ready to get out. She told me to not wait up. I responded with a humming sound, distracted by Hanji’s name lighting up my phone. Mikasa eyed the buzzing device but didn’t ask – we weren’t at the stage where she could ask anything yet. I wondered if we ever would be.

Once the door clicked shut, I pressed the answer call button and put it to my ear.

“Eren?” Hanji sounded muffled, like she was talking with a scarf around her mouth.

“Hanji!” I greeted. I was in a good mood. Levi had been almost nicer than normal and his (almost) uplifting mood had a positive effect. I would have whistled if I could whistle..

“Eren!”

“Hey-” I cut myself off at the sound of sniffing. “Hanji, are you crying?”

She wailed ironically. “No!”

“Wait- no, no, don’t cry, Hanji! Tell me what’s wrong? Did something happen?” Hanji’s crying was as wild as her laughter was. I was kinda glad that this was over the phone because I probably wouldn’t have dared got close enough to pat Hanji’s shoulder or head or whatever when she sounded as upset as this.

“Levi said he wouldn’t do the festival!” Hanji said, between sobs before crying loudly again. _Damn, she’s more upset then I am. And that’s pretty upset_.

I wasn’t _really_ surprised. I didn’t think Levi would be easy to convince, even if he was considering it. But I felt betrayed, as if all those times he laughed quietly into the upturned collar of his jacket meant nothing. They probably didn’t. Maybe his kindness today was a way of letting me down easy. Maybe Levi got bored quicker than Hanji did.

“Hanji, please stop crying. Please.”

Hanji let out a few more belts of wails before she was just heavy breathing on the other side of the line. “O-okay.”

“Did Levi give a reason?” I asked her gently, as if she was the one that felt like someone had punched them in the gut.

“Kids. People. You.” Hanji hiccupped pathetically, in attempt to stop herself from crying.

“Me?”

“Yes, you!” Even when upset, Hanji could shift moods quicker than Connie could fall asleep in Calculus. “He won’t listen to a word I say. This is all going to be in vain.”

“What did I do?” I sounded tired. I suddenly felt it. Slightly upbeat Levi had drained my soul. Killing with kindness was a thing with people who were rarely ever kind. _Suck it up, Jaeger. He wasn’t even_ that _nice. You just wanted to pretend he was. And now you got what you deserve: a reality check_.

Hanji ignored my question, with her newfound determination. “You know what? Forget Levi. If we have Irvin and Mike on board then he won’t have a choice.”

That didn’t sound good. “But I thought Levi was the… leader, of some sorts.”

“Oh, he is.” I envisioned her nodding enthusiastically. “I think that’s why he acts so strange around you- among other reasons.”

“Wait, what? Reasons? Strange? Me?”

“Yeah. It used to be what Levi says, goes. You show up and suddenly everyone wants to be seventeen again and they like you, Eren. Irvin and Mike think you’re a kid with potential.”

“Hanji, no teacher has ever thought I have potential. And potential for what?” I sighed, tossing myself on my bed in a dramatic motion. “And what are Levi’s other reasons for acting weird?”

“Bah! You ask too many questions. You’ll figure it out.”

“Figure what out?” I was starting to feel like this conversation was becoming circular.

“I can’t tell you. That defeats the purpose of life lessons.” Hanji laughed when I groaned. “And hey, Eren. Stop being so hard on yourself. Teachers can only teach us so much about life.”

She wasn’t kidding about the life lessons, it appeared. Lamely, I said, “I’m not good at anything.”

“You’re good at reminding people of who they are.” Hanji’s most genuine smile rang through the words. Things like that made the round and round conversations bearable, at the very least.

“What, by being a failure of a person myself?” I asked but there wasn’t too much venom in my self-hatred. Not tonight.

“Too much negativity, you need art. Or Jesus.”

“Hanji…”

“Eren…” She laughed again, as if she hadn’t been crying two minutes ago. “Look, quit worrying. You’ll see.”

“See what?” I yelled, almost. I didn’t get the chance to remind her that _she_ was the one that rang _me_ , not the other way round.

“Goodnight, Eren. Be prepared for tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? Wait, Hanji-”

Unsurprisingly, the line went dead on her end. I dropped my phone on my pillow and ran a hand through my hair in dread. There was only so many of Hanji’s plans that could not go wrong and I felt like we were nearing the end of our lucky streak.

There wasn’t anything I could do now though, except wait.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that Hanji text me the next morning about a band meeting with multiple exclamation marks. Really, I was more honoured to be part of the band. I spent my day in school attempting to whistle until it was time to head back to The Rose Wall.

*

It started off well. Levi kicked my chair before I could sit down and said, darkly, “This is a band meeting and this is the part where I say you can’t sit with us because you’re not part of the band.”

“Nice to see your mood has improved after yesterday,” I said as sweetly as I could for a seventeen year old boy with anger problems. I could feel my pulse in my ears at the threat. I was out of my league here. At least, throughout the week, I had built the courage to challenge Levi from time to time instead of stuttering as he ripped my to shreds in his monotone voice. I wasn’t a _complete_ embarrassment.

Then Hanji jumped in and pushed my down into the chair I originally pulled out. Levi opened his mouth to argue but she shushed him with, “No, no, Eren stays.”

Irvin raised an eyebrow (he did that more than Levi rolled his eyes.) “Did he agree to the idea of being our mascot?”

I blinked. “Mascot? Hang on-”

Hanji waved an impatient, dismissive hand. “Everyone, just sit down.”

We sat. Mike had a cup of coffee that he put down especially for Hanji’s announcement. That was dedication. Mike _really_ loved his coffee.

“Right.” Hanji clapped her hands together, grinning. “I’ve decided that we should do the festival.”

“Wait, what?”

“A festival?”

“N-” Hanji didn’t even let Levi finish, simply shoving a hand over his mouth.

Glaring down at him, she murmured, “Say that dreaded word before listened to me again, my friend, and I’ll take a leaf out of that Bread Girl’s book and choke you. Momentarily.”

I hadn’t talked to Sasha in a while and immediately felt bad. I missed her and everyone else that I felt like I had lost in the whole falling out with Mikasa. Still, I had to defend her. “Sasha is more than a bread girl.”

Levi and Hanji both stopped glaring at each other to blink at me. Levi tilted his head slightly, eyes flickering with something I assumed was respect. I felt myself going pink at the eyes trained on me, thankful when Hanji smiled, taking the attention from me as she said, “Of course, Eren. I’m an artist. No one is 2 dimensional to me.”

I couldn’t help but smile back at that. “She does like her food, though.”

Mike blew at his still steaming coffee. “Don’t we all?”

Hanji took her hands off Levi’s shoulders to flop down next to me. She continued her speech was the same determination. “We need some motivation. We need a goal! We need to do something other than sit around in bars after Levi pisses off every joint we normally play at because he woke up on the wrong side of the bed on a morning.”

“And if my bed is against a wall?” Levi asked. He was just trying to be difficult.

“Exactly! Wrong. Side.” Hanji gestured towards me. “Now, Eren needs a band and we need to stop blowing off our money on coffee and cigarettes.”

“Don’t diss the coffee.” (Mike, predictably.)

“Or the cigarettes.” (Levi, also predictably.)

“You guys are terrible role models.” Irvin smiled in amused before looking over at me. “Do you have a flyer for the festival?”

“Not the official printed one. They bring those out closer to the date but…” I leant down to search my backpack and found the crumpled up pre-flyer flyer. I willed my hands to stop shaking as I passed Irvin it.

Instead of taking it, he held on and looked at me, eyes searching. I gulped, not sure what to say or do. Then Levi said quietly, “Back off, Irvin. He’s a good kid.”

Irvin didn’t look away from me but he replied to his band mate smoothly. “I never said he wasn’t.”

Levi kicked me under the table and I jumped a little, letting go off the flyer. I looked at him and he nodded, expressionless. “Defend yourself, you idiot. You were actually stupid enough to fall for Hanji’s speeches about turning back time and whatever.” It took me a moment to realise Levi was trying to help me. The trust gained in the past week was walking on a fragile path in Irvin’s eyes (which were still uncomfortably fixed on me.) “Right?”

I stopped myself from saying _I know_ and just nodded quickly. I felt like a rabbit in the headlights. Their age and status was catching up with me and the intimidation was setting in. I realised that I really did not want to make an enemy out of Irvin Smith.

Levi called Irvin’s name until he reluctantly turned his eyes towards the singer. He was stern, like Mikasa was to me except Irvin wasn’t an uncool, unreasonable guy. He had a reason to believe that I had put myself in the middle of this friendship only for my own gain.

And what could I say? That I hadn’t? That wasn’t true. The festival had left me desperate and the band were being served to be on a silver platter.

But somewhere in between Hanji’s crazy happiness and Mike’s coffee addiction, Irvin’s charisma and the mostly quiet bar where most of my cokes were free, a boy- no, a _man_ with the capability of breaking my neck but who instead broke my falls, I realised that I wanted to be part of this. I wanted to have friends that were my own, not my sister’s. I wanted to have a clean slate, where no one knew me inside out so I could convince them that I was who I wanted to be rather than who I really awfully was. Irvin was a smart man, I didn’t think he would rule out the selflessness, in between all the selfishness.

Levi said, “He’s not using us, Irvin. He’s a kid and he has a hard time saying no.”

Irvin’s lips tilted up and it wasn’t his nicest smile. He was probably the only person who could look at Levi with patronisation and get away with it. “That explains why you’ve taken a liking to him, right, Levi?”

He didn’t even blink. With a shrug, he glanced back at me and said, “Say something before Irvin decides to call the police or some shit.”

All eyes were back on me and I shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know what to say. I’m not going to insult your musical talent by saying I don’t want you to perform at the festival because… well, I want you to. I’ve only seen you guys perform once but it was- holy shit, it was great! But there’s more to it than that, honest.” I looked over at Hanji and she nodded kindly, encouragingly. I carried on. “ _I don’t know_. I’m not good at explaining myself. But ever since I met Levi, I haven’t felt so… pointless. This week hasn’t been pointless either. It’s selfish to use people to your own gain but you guys planned to use me, didn’t you?” Mike looked guilty at that. “I don’t think it’s really using, though. I think it’s helping. I’m helping you guys to stop feeling so close to a midlife crisis and I guess now is the best time as ever to ask you all if you would help me.”

I nodded towards the flyer still in Irvin’s hands. “Trost Annual Summer Festival. You’ve probably heard from all the arguments around here but the entertainment stage is my punishment. I need three acts and, after seeing you guys perform, I would be… honoured to have you as the leading band.”

“Providing,” Mike said lightly, “you don’t find anyone better.”

“Not better looking, at least,” Irvin muttered.

The tension in the room diffused a little. I let out a quiet sigh and felt Hanji patting my arm under the table. I smiled at her and tried to smile at Levi but it was hard when he was looking at me like I was the most awkward itch on his back.

Irvin and Mike read the flyer together, commenting on dates and times and themes. It didn’t seem like it was stupid to hope, after all. My speech may have worked but Hanji and Levi were the ones to thank here.

And still Levi looked like he’d rather shave off the rest of his hair than be part of the festival.

“I go to the festival every year,” Mike commented, with a shrug. “It’s a pretty big deal.” I heard it as _it’s a big deal and us being there would be pretty big too_.

“It’s a _huge_ deal!” Hanji was almost shouting with enthusiasm, back to her regular self now the serious stuff had passed, mostly. “Everyone is at the festival- except Levi but Levi’s antisocial so he has an excuse.”

“That’s not an excuse.”

“Choke on your coffee, Mike.”

“I say we cast a vote!” Hanji cut right to the chase. She glanced around at every person sat at the table. “All in favour say: I! I!”

Mike and Irvin looked at each other. I expected Irvin to tell her to calm down and discuss the whole ordeal in further detail but he just slid the flyer back to me with a slight nod. It seemed to symbolise respect but I saw something else in it: apology. I smiled, as if to say _no hard feelings_. Mike and Irvin said their “I” at the same time.

“Come on, Eren, you’re letting your own team down here,” Hanji teased, turning to me suddenly. She was almost bouncing in her seat. “Don’t you want us to play at the festival?”

I blinked in surprise. “I’m not part of the band. I don’t see how I have a vote-”

“Everybody has a vote! We’re in a democracy here! Besides” – she elbowed me in the ribs gently – “you’re one of us now.”

Irvin and Mike didn’t appear to mind the idea, despite the earlier conflicts. Levi seemed as passive as ever, watching me carefully. I tried really hard not to do something that would prove his constant point about my idiocy right but failed to hide a big grin. With a resolute nod, I announced my “I!”

Hanji’s plan had worked. Mike and Irvin had agreed. She turned to grin triumphantly at the last member of The Corps. “ _Well_ , it appears you’re outnumbered-”

“Who said I was outnumbered?” Levi snapped.

There was a collective pause.

Then everyone said, “ _What?_ ”

Levi ignored everyone but me. “I…” he sounded like he was joining the voting but, before anyone could speak, he raised a finger and concluded with, “will do the festival.”

Mike took a long drink of his coffee, as if the caffeine would wake him up from what seemed like a dream. Even composed Irvin looked surprised and Hanji, who had (technically) planned this all along was gripping the table in her shock.

“You will?” I jumped to my feet, too happy to be embarrassed. “Willingly?”

One single nod and no smile, no words. I punched the air and Levi looked away when I cheered. “ _Yes!_ ”

Hanji got over her shock then and stood up too, clapping her hands happily. “This is so damn exciting!” She turned directly towards me and bowed, almost knocking me over her head so I had to jump back. I felt Levi’s hand on my elbow steady me as Hanji, seriously, said, “Thank you, Eren!”

“Er, what for?”

“For getting Levi out the right side of his bed!”

Irvin sighed. “Hanji, you really need to think before you speak-”

He didn’t get to finish because Hanji chose this moment to grab me into a tight hug, choking me for the second time in one week, letting me go when Levi began growling (no joke) her name in warning, which didn’t help because then she was clutching my face in tight hands. My cheeks squished together and I’m sure I resembled my baby photos far too well for a boy of seventeen.

“I’m so happy, I could kiss you, Eren!” she sang.

If my face wasn’t mushed by her palms, I would have questioned whether that was against lesbian protocol. “Er-”

“Let go of him.” Levi’s voice was deadpan as per but it was the familiar quiet that he used when he was being seriously threatening. It was worse than the growling and not easy to ignore. Hanji let go. I rubbed at my face and gave Levi a weak smile that he didn’t return. Some things never changed.

“Don’t get so excited, brat,” he said. “You still need two more acts.”

“You wouldn’t happen to know anymore-”

“No.”

Hanji gasped, falling back into her chair and signalling for me to do the same. “Levi, don’t use that word.”

Levi didn’t even bother to respond but the feel of the tip of his boot on my knee made me glance up and met his eyes, his own rolling up in exasperation at his friend’s antics. It felt like he was including me in his opinion of Hanji – that she was insane but wonderful, silly but smart and lots of other contradictions but of the best kind, when she wasn’t choking you. I smiled and finally, _finally_ Levi’s own lips mimicked the movement. The sound of Hanji trying to steal Mike’s coffee and Irvin lecturing them both about hot substances and fighting was background noise to the sense of _belonging_ I was feeling and the overall _niceness_ of Levi’s whole being, similar to how I felt in the crowd of dancing people when Levi sang in French but _better_.

It felt like the right decision.


	9. Blood Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I haven't read over this so excuse any mistakes but yeah I hope everyone reading likes it and all that jazz :~)

I only realised that Armin was acting weird when he didn’t notice that I was acting weird. Prior to noticing how quiet he was being, I was worried about how I’d keep The Corps from him. Part of me even wanted to tell him everything – but that meant explaining Levi out loud and I wasn’t sure I could do that. Mikasa was determined but Armin was observant and I wasn’t the best at keeping my mouth shut. As dangerous as the protective sister could be, I was terrified on how he would notice how blanked out I was, how I spent most of my lessons texting and how I practically ran out of school without everyone else (okay, maybe I wasn’t acting completely out of character but _still_.)

It wasn’t until Armin – who was surprisingly decent at most sports – was knocked in the head with a _dodgeball_ that I realised that he was as out of it as I was, if not more. No one said anything of it, the class laughed light-heartedly and coach told him to get his head in the game; this wasn’t High School Musical (which was terribly ironic.) Armin nodded but his head was somewhere else. I played a little harder than my usual slacker self would, determined to not let him get hit again. Hey, he could be figuring out the cure to cancer in that blonde brain of his. He needed space and respect.

When last period gym was done, we got changed into our uniforms together. Neither of us spoke and I waited for him to explain whatever was going on in the genius head of his but I was just met with more silence.

“Armin?”

He didn’t even look up. “Hm?”

“Are you okay?”

He looked up this time, blinking. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” I rolled my eyes. “Except for the fact that you’ve been spacing out- no, you’ve been spaced out since…” I trailed off, trying to remember when Armin’s indifference began and realised that it had been since last week.

 _Figures. I spend so much time trying not to let Armin notice what’s up with me that I don’t notice what’s up with_ him. _Way to go, Jaeger_.

The last part kinda sounded like Levi, in my head.

“I’m fine, Eren,” Armin said, sounding helpless. “I just have a lot of tests coming up and with Gramps-”

I felt guilty for hounding him. I sighed and ruffled his hair. “Sorry. Sometimes I forget that genius’ get tired.”

“It’s okay.” His smile was tight. “Are you going straight home?”

I shook my head. “I’ll walk with you guys.”

“Really?” he gasped and I rolled my eyes at his mocking. He nudged me. “No hot girl waiting for you at the park tonight?”

 _No but the people that hurt you are_.

“Hot girls need time to themselves too,” I teased back.

“Hot girls?” Connie popped out of nowhere in between us. Armin jumped a little and I made a move to ruffle Connie’s hair except he had none (he really hated it when we did that.) “The only hot girl I see around here is Armin.”

I laughed then spotted Mikasa and waved, heading towards her. Our sibling bond was definitely suffering with all the conflicts lately but it was still intact, at the very least.

“Thanks, Connie,” I heard my blonde friend say dryly, unimpressed.

Connie defended himself with, “It’s the hair, man.”

“Sasha’s walk-home snacks were confiscated in bio,” Mikasa explained as I skidded to a stop beside her. She had dropped her bag to settle onto the grass so I joined her, following by Armin and Connie, who wasn’t too pleased about the news.

“If that includes my big pack of Reese’s Cups, I swear…” he grumbled.

“Hey, guys,” I called out suddenly, a thought occurring to me. “Do any of you guys play anything?”

It was rather shameful that I had been friends with some of these people all my life yet I hadn’t bothered to dig up any secret hobbies.

“No but my Guitar Hero settings are on difficult.”

I sighed. “Connie, that doesn’t help.”

“Is this for the festival?” Armin asked, waving towards the approaching figures of Jean and Marco.

“Yeah, I need two acts.”

“I thought it was three,” Mikasa said, eyes narrowing.

This double life stuff was getting difficult already. “Oh, yeah, it is.”

For once in his life, Jean’s presence actually came in handy. He sat down on Mikasa’s other side (I glared at his hand placed next to her thigh, which, upon noticing, he lifted it to give me a finger in greeting.) Marco sat beside him, calling out a cheerful hello that everyone returned.

“Do you guys play anything?” Armin asked the pair.

Looking at Jean with sternness, I said loudly, “Besides from your-” before Mikasa interrupted me with a threatening call of my name.

Jean just blinked at his best friend before he replied to Armin. “Play? A bit of snooker and I’m not too shabby at Guitar Hero either.”

“High-five!” Connie cheered and leant forward to slap palms with a still confused Jean.

“I meant, instruments,” Armin corrected himself wryly. His sarcasm had suddenly gotten ridiculously good or maybe his patience with Connie was getting thinner. Either way, I grinned.

Jean opened his mouth to answer but Armin cut him off. “ _Real_ instruments.”

Jean deflated and leant back on his palms to stare up at the sky that was beginning its transition from spring to summer.

“I play violin,” Marco suddenly said, cheeks flushing as we all looked at him.

“Wait, what?”

Marco was clearly embarrassed by the attention and waved a dismissive hand, as if it was no big deal that he wasn’t possibly saving my life with his silent talent. “Yeah, I have been since I was a kid. If I’m not with you guys, I’m at practice.”

I would have been a little bit ashamed of how I jumped over the grass between us to latch onto his arm and desperately say, “You have to do the festival.”

“W-what?” Marco didn’t try to force me off but looked at Armin for some sort of explanation as to why I was behaving like a crazed junkie.

Luckily, Armin was used to explaining and he did so efficiently. Marco visibly paled under his freckles until Armin reached the end and he was shaking his head dazedly, saying that he couldn’t _possibly_ do that, he wasn’t even _that_ good and he couldn’t remember the last time he performed a presentation in class, forget a _stage_.

Marco’s kindness was his downfall. With begging from me and Armin (who said the show would be lost without him because I was useless, which Jean agreed with heartedly, and I didn’t argue with because, hey, it helped the cause), Marco was left with one condition: “I don’t want to be alone on stage.”

“That’s my boy!” Playfully, Jean slapped his back then grinned triumphantly at everyone. “Marco doesn’t like the attention.”

I refrained from saying _no shit, Sherlock_ because Marco was embarrassed enough of Jean for the rest of us. His cheeks were pretty much scarlet.

“So we need another violinist?” Mikasa said, her eyes calculating.

Marco shook his head helplessly. “I’m on private tuition, ever since I was a child-”

“Private tuition, huh?” Connie spluttered, disbelieving. “What are you doing at Maria State?”

“-so I don’t know any other violinists,” Marco finished, ignoring Connie’s comment.

I nudged him. “Have some patriotism. Jeez.”

“Hell yeah! Maria State!” he shouted in response.

Everyone winced and Mikasa sunk deeper into her scarf. Connie could be as ridiculous as Sasha when he wanted to. Both of them reminded me of Hanji and I had to duck my head to hide my grin. Levi’s voice in my head told me to stop smiling like I was in love with a lesbian. Levi’s voice occupied a lot of my thoughts these days.

“Maybe you could compose something with a pianist?” Armin asked.

Jean snorted. “And where do we find one of those?”

“The music department-”

“Is about as dead as your love life, Jaeger,” he interrupted smoothly. He acted as though our exchange had never happened but he couldn’t meet my eyes. I wanted to punch him in his snobby face, all while Levi was telling me that Kirschtein had a point, if I was actually crushing on Hanji.

Which I wasn’t but Levi didn’t listen to me, even in my head.

Mikasa was looking at me suspiciously again, as if trying to figure out if I did have a love life which was occupying all my time. It was good that Armin was too distracted to notice anything wrong with me because my perceptive sister was doing a good job in breaking me down.

I figured the best way to show I was feeling like myself was to get at Jean. I got to my knees, as if I was about to stand up, and he mimicked me. “As dead as you’ll be in a sec-”

Quickly, Marco intercepted me. “Guys-”

“Maybe a dancer?” Armin suggested, open palms raised in front of Jean.

Everyone stilled.

“Dancer?” I repeated.

“Someone who could dance to the violin music. Like… ballet?” Armin’s tone was weak but his idea sunk in and I barely heard the bickering around me.

“Well, they’re hardly gonna breakdance to Beethoven.”

“Actually, Jean, Beethoven was a pianist and I play-”

“Dancer…” I didn’t even mean to interrupt Marco but my thoughts were elsewhere, particularly in a dark bar with a band that were still living for their caffeine addiction.

_The Corps may not know anymore bands but a dancer – that’s a different story…_

“Hey, guys!” Sasha greeted, jogging over with an armful of snacks. Connie was on his feet to snatch his back but I was quicker onto my feet. “Sorry I’m-”

Aware of my speedy departure cutting Sasha off, I called an apology and told them all to go off to whatever fast food establishment Sasha and Connie desperately wanted to visit without me but I didn’t look back, not even when Jean yelled, “Gladly!” I gave him the finger and jogged the rest of the way to the bar.

I wouldn’t have said The Corps were waiting for me (I had specifically told Hanji the night before that I planned to spend some time with my school friends) but Levi, at least, didn’t look surprised by me bursting into the bar like my pants were on fire.

“Do you know anyone who can dance?” I said, marching up to their table. Adrenaline made me confident but the run to the bar made my words sound like wheezing.

“Dance?” They repeated the word as though I had suggested yodelling.

“Yeah, ya know.” Except they acted as though they didn’t. “It doesn’t have to be a particular kind. I’d prefer ballet or-”

“Do you have a dancer fetish, Eren?” Hanji asked innocently.

I flushed at them all analysing me. “No!”

“That’s a thing?” Mike muttered, as I flopped down beside him.

Levi, who was sat across from me, raised his eyebrows. “Kid, have you been smoking without me?”

_Jesus, they’re acting as if I did actually ask about yodelling. Don’t these people dance?_

Levi’s completely expressionless face answered that question. He didn’t look like he would be down to boogie anytime soon.

“You guys smoke together?” Irvin was looking between us.

I broke my staring contest with Levi to look at Irvin, as if he had just started randomly yodelling at the table. _Okay, I need to stop thinking about yodelling_.

Mike leant towards me and sniffed then shook his head. “No weed. His eyes aren’t red either. But maybe he’s injecting himself-”

Finally, looking shocked wasn’t enough.

I raised my voice above theirs. “What- huh- no! Look, I just need to find a dancer. You guys know people. Help me out here!” I hesitated, Levi’s gaze a little too heavy for my high school potential drop out shoulders. “Please?”

He nodded once. “Explain.”

So I did. I didn’t delve into details about the bickering between me and Jean causing Armin’s brainwave but I told them about a friend who could be cut down my two remaining acts to one, _if_ he had someone on stage. Hanji suggested another classical instrument player and Levi snorted, saying it was a summer festival, not a choir fit for the queen of England.

When I was done (still out of breath), Levi said quietly, “There’s Petra.”

The silence that followed made the tension between me and Irvin when he accused me of using them for my own means look like a birthday party.

Then Irvin was on his feet. “No. No way. Absolutely not.”

“Petra?” I repeated, scared to speak too loudly when Irvin was glaring at Levi with a surprising amount of disgust.

“Fuck you, Levi. I don’t give a shit about your hormones. Keep my sister out of it,” he growled and I shrank back slightly.

_Sister? Hormones?_

This wasn’t the first time I felt out of sync in a conversation with The Corps but it was the first time I felt guilty.

Almost knocking his chair to the floor, Irvin walked away, jaw clenched. Mike sighed deeply into his cup but put it down, gave all of us an apologetic look then followed Irvin into the toilets.

“Wait, Irvin!” Hanji called. She kept her eyes on the last of The Corps that were still seated comfortably. “That was a pretty quick reaction, don’t you think, Levi?”

Then Hanji, too, ran into the restroom. The _male_ restroom.

No screaming erupted from it, like what usually happened in cartoons, so I turned to Levi, who’s gaze was fixed at the ceiling. I guessed he didn’t want to be here, anymore that I did.

“Did I-” I started.

“Forget it, kid.” He blew out a breath, shaking his head. “It wasn’t you. Don’t blame yourself over something I did.”

He was taking the blame but it also sounded like he was accepting it and Levi really didn’t seem like the kinda guy who just accepted defeat.

“You did it because of me! Irvin’s-”

“An overprotective ass. And don’t flatter yourself. I did it for her just as much.”

“Her?” But I knew who.

Levi answered anyway. “Petra. She was always a dancer. It would do her good to get back on her toes.”

He spoke her name softly, almost kindly. I would have been lying if I said I wasn’t jealous that Petra, Irvin’s sister, got special treatment from Levi, when no one else did.

But if Levi was so nice to her then why was Irvin so angry? Why was everything such a mystery with Levi?

_I need to stop thinking that me befriending The Corps is about Levi. I’m here for the festival. If Levi wants to be distant and unapproachable all the time then…_

Then he wouldn’t have suggested a person that made his whole band walk away from him, would he?

“Ballet?” I asked, as if I was more interested in her talents than his secrets.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I think she did tap too.” He sighed again, looking tired enough for my anger to leave me feeling empty. “No promises but I’ll talk to her.”

“But-” The protest was weak and was cut short by Levi leaning across the table to focus his attention completely on me. It made me nervous. The last thing I wanted was for Levi to up and leave me alone. Personal agendas aside, I needed The Corps.

“How many times has Mikasa stopped you from doing something just because _she_ thought it wasn’t a good idea?” he asked.

“Well, lots but she’s usually right-”

“But Irvin’s wrong. I’m gonna talk to Petra. Quit worrying. If anyone’s head gets hacked, it’ll be my own.”

“I don’t want that though,” I admitted quietly. “I think I cause enough trouble as it is.”

Levi looked away, letting my statement hang in the air because it was true. “It’s not for you anyway.”

I stared at his clenched fists and wondered what Petra had done to deserve Levi’s care and what Levi done to deserve my jealousy. I felt ridiculous.

The only confidence in myself and the festival would be broken when Levi walked away, when he realised his band was more important than helping me. But of course there was this mysterious Petra. Maybe Levi would choose Petra over his best friends. Maybe she was worthy of that. Maybe he would stay sitting, a million miles away, with a girl in his mind twirling away.

I couldn’t give him that chance, either way; to show me how useless I was in his life.

“Right.” Clumsily, I rose to my feet, faking enthusiasm through a voice too shaky with barely but probably concealed sadness. He was too far off to notice anyway, I was sure. “But thank you! A lot. Even if you can’t do it, it- it means a lot that you tried at all.”

He looked at me but it felt like we were back before either of us barely knew the other’s name. He looked at me as if I were transparent and not in the way that he could interpret my feelings, thank God, but the way that showed he didn’t care to read me at all.

I really had to get rid of these expectations. Levi was a singer. The Corps were a project. And people like them – cool, damaged, talented – had too many stories they weren’t willing to share.

“I better get going,” I replied to his silence. “Mikasa will be waiting. See you around, Levi.”

“Yeah.”

Mikasa wasn’t actually waiting when I got home. She was out having fun with people that should have been my best friends too, the same people I barely tried with. Instead, I put my energy into people like Levi and The Corps, as if my genuine friendship would mean anything to them or to anyone.

I had never felt so alone.

*

Ignoring Hanji’s texts was like provoking a beast but, stupidly, I did it anyway.

For the next three days, I ignored texts and calls from the friendly neighbourhood lesbian with the excuse of being busy with other things. I didn’t know what she actually _wanted_ from me but all her texts consisted of her using caps and stretching my name until SMS character limit told her the text would be sent as two messages (which didn’t stop her.) Hanji was definitely a force to be reckoned with.

I turned my phone off vibrate and surrounded myself with people, a weird experience. I threw my time in getting Armin’s head out of the grey clouds and not punching Jean. Mikasa was suspicious (as she usually was around me, these days) the first time I asked if I could hang out with her and everyone after school but, slowly but surely, she was warming up to me being around.

It wasn’t like I was feasting with Sasha and Connie and laughing whilst throwing Frisbees with Jean and Marco but even sitting around, occasionally laughing at Connie accidentally swallowing candy wrappers was enough for everyone. In between choking coughs, Connie asked if I had an epiphany on the toilet about the time I spent with my friendship choices. I replied with, “Something like that,” and continued thumping his back until he spat out the wrapper, which was disgusting and made me wonder if I needed another epiphany about being friends with someone like Connie.

The weekend past and Hanji’s texts got less frequent and not so loud. When she apologised for what happened, with Irvin and Levi, I had to turn my phone off. I didn’t deserve to feel guilty.

Still, I was always aware of the weight of the phone in my pocket. The only time I wasn’t debating whether Hanji’s apology was from her or from Levi was when Jean was calling me a spoilsport for not joining in their mini soccer game. Eventually, Marco and Armin turned the soccer into a game of catch and Jean dropped down beside me, breathless from running around. He lifted the bottom of shirt up to wipe at the sweat of his forehead and I got the sneaky suspicion he was trying to show off his (admittedly, impressive) abdominal.

I was going to tell him dryly to save it, Mikasa wasn’t looking this way when he said, “So, why the sudden appearance?”

“Maybe I just wanted to appreciate some nature,” I snapped. Every time Jean spoke, I got defensive. It was reflex.

He wasn’t buying it. “Seriously, Eren, what’s up with you? And what the _hell_ is going on with Armin?”

Armin chose the right moment to not notice Marco’s too-hard throw and the soccer ball hit him on his smart little head. Marco called out multiple apologies whilst Sasha and Connie roared with laughter. Even Jean and I chuckled before he looked at me seriously, an eyebrow raised as he awaited an answer.

I sighed but I wouldn’t lie, Jean gave good advice, sometimes. “Do you ever feel like your friendship with someone is in vain?”

“Yeah,” he said, straight faced. “You.”

I swore colourfully at him and he raised his palms. “I’m kidding. Carry on.”

“That’s it.” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “Sometimes, I feel like we’re friends and sometimes, I feel… expendable. And no one wants to feel useless.”

Jean looked thoughtful. His legs were crossed under him and his arms balanced on top, his chin rest on his laced fingers. Then he said, “I hope you’re not talking about Armin.”

“Pfft! Of course not. We’ve been friends since we were in diapers.”

“Poor guy.” When I glared at Jean, as if to ask _are you done now_ , he sobered up. “Okay, okay. Look, I’m no expert on friendship – I mean, I’m stuck with you, aren’t I? – but I guess you’ve gotta think about it as it is. Do you like being friends with this person?”

Jean’s eyes – light brown, often hidden in the furrow of his glower – bore into mine.

“Well, I wouldn’t be friends with someone I didn’t _want_ to be friends with.”

I expected Jean to make a comment about our friendship but he just said, “Cling onto the times when you feel as though you’re friends then. Use them to lift your self-esteem. Don’t ruin a perfectly good friendship because you think everyone hates you when it’s just the majority.”

I rolled my eyes. “And here I thought our friendship was actually getting somewhere.”

“Wait…” Jean blinked. “You weren’t asking about me, were you?”

I gave him a shove on the shoulder, not too roughly. “Stop thinking everything is about you, Kirschtein.”

“Yeah, well, you heard me. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he said gruffly, looking away. “They probably want to be friends with you too.”

His advice reminded me of Hanji, which then reminded me of all the texts I had ignored and all the calls I had declined. I remembered her telling me not to be so hard on myself, that I reminded people of who they really were.

Whatever that actually meant.

Speaking of the devil was a bad idea. Thinking of the devil was worse.

“Yoo hoo! _Eren!_ Over _heeeeere_!”

I blinked once. Then twice. I even rubbed my ears.

Then I jumped up, the situation hitting me full force. All my friends were staring at Hanji, who was waving wildly with both hands, far enough that she felt the need to jump for my attention but close enough for my friends to remember her face. _Uh-oh_.

“ _Hanji?_ What the _hell_ are you doing here?” I hissed as I skidded to a stop in front of her. She was in her usual t-shirt/leggings attire, bouncing on her toes as if she was in a hurry.

“I need you to do me a favour,” she said, with as much seriousness as Hanji possessed in her body.

“A favour?” I repeated weakly. I couldn’t be mad at Hanji for long. She had puppy eyes that she really knew how to use. She was looking at me as if I was the only one who could throw her dog bone.

She held out a paper. I opened it up and squinted to decipher her loopy handwriting. I could make out an address, under the title of, ‘Stohess Cakes and Confectionary,’ with a list of cake-like products (at least, they _sounded_ like baked goods) and multiple smiley faces, aside from one that had a straight horizontal line for a mouth.

“That’s Levi,” she said, admiring her doodles over my shoulder.

“What is this?” I asked, even though I could guess where this was going.

She threw some rolled up notes of money in my face before giving me a shove towards the park gate. “Go. Become one with The Corps again.”

“By being your errand boy?” I demanded.

“No,” Hanji said innocently. “By being our Eren. Now go get us all some cakes. I’ll even let you have Irvin’s chocolate cake.”

I guessed this was Hanji’s way of telling me that cakes would equal normality. It wasn’t a terrible ideology to have and it reminded me of Sasha and Connie – which reminded me that all my friends were staring over with open mouths and Mikasa was one innocent pat on-my-shoulder-from-Hanji away from storming over.

I had two choices: go get the cakes and face Levi or go back to my friends and explain Hanji to Mikasa.

Looking between my sister and the cheerful drummer I couldn’t help but call a friend, neither choice seemed safe. Nothing even cream cakes were safe when Levi was involved.

Giving Mikasa a helpless look, I dodged around Hanji and set out for the bakery.

*

Finding the bakery was the easiest part. Stohess Cakes and Confectionary was a quaint little bakery, with slightly peeling pink and white paint but the bell chimed cheerily when I entered. I felt out of place in my grass stained jeans and grey hoodie but found the shop empty, voices murmuring in the back room.

“Uh, excuse me?” I called out awkwardly, folding and unfolding the piece of paper with jitters. I liked Hanji but I didn’t trust her. Taking me halfway across town for some cakes seemed excessive.

 _Maybe Levi has acquired taste_ , I thought then shook my head, ridding myself of the thought. I wasn’t doing this for Levi.

“Oh, hello!” A young girl, probably not _that_ much older than me, appeared from the back door. She wore an apron with the bakery’s name. Her auburn hair was chin-length and clipped back from her face. She was pretty, beautiful even, short with a smile that was with both her mouth and her eyes.

I felt even grubbier in her presence. I lifted a hand to wave.

She moved out from the counter and headed towards me. “How can I help you- oh!”

Her hip accidentally hit some boxed doughnuts and she jumped back with a squeak as a few boxes fell to the floor loudly.

I hurried towards her, determined to help her set everything right before the situation got any more embarrassing for either of us but, before I could even inspect one box, a pot-bellied man rushed out of the same door the kind worker had appeared from, his face flushed with anger. “God damn it, Ral!”

“S-sir!” The girl’s face was pink with shame and she swallowed hard before facing her boss but not before I detected a glint in her doe eyes that suggested upcoming tears. “I can-”

Recklessly, I moved forward, sidestepping the doughnuts on the pretty tiled floor. “It was me! I’m so sorry. It was an accident and- and I can pay.”

Well, I hoped I could. Hanji’s notes felt somewhat illegal in my pocket. The least I could do was put them to good use.

Her boss’ face lost its colour and a (somewhat sickly) smile appeared, collected and professional. He waved a dismissive hand and told me that it was fine, no need to fret over some stale doughnuts. The girl – Ral? – didn’t loosen up until the man mumbled for her not to mess up again and moved past us to go run an errand. I called a hearty goodbye, mainly because I was beginning to understand how dangerous errands could be. Raining doughnuts was not how I planned to spend the night.

Once he was gone, the girl blew out a breath and turned to me. Her smile was tired but genuine. She almost sang her next words. “God, you saved my life. Thank you so much!”

I ducked to start picking up the fallen goods, embarrassed by her kind gratitude. “Hey, no, it’s fine. I wouldn’t want anyone getting fired on my watch.”

“I’ll try not to cause any sweet earthquakes to prevent another close call when you’re gone,” she replied cheerily but not in a way that made me think she was about to choke me in a hug (I wasn’t comparing her to anyone, no way.) “In your honour.”

She joined me and began gathering the boxes. Whilst she checked a four-box of custard doughnuts, I spotted her name tag.

And almost dropped the box in my hand.

 _Petra Ral, Sales Assistant_.

A tiny part of me labelled it a coincidence. Wasn’t Irvin’s surname Smith? They didn’t look at all alike either.

But then I remember how Hanji had forced me to not stop at any old bakery along the way. I remember how she apologised not just for Levi but for _Irvin_. She didn’t seem like the type who liked picking sides so instead she aimed to resolve conflicts by letting me make the decisions.

After all, it was my festival.

I could have just bought what was actually asked of me and left. Maybe The Corps did have a sweet tooth. Maybe the unsaid argument between us all could be fixed with a few knocked about doughnuts. And I was no stranger to the fact that neither Levi nor Irvin would be especially happy about me interfering, with or without Hanji’s encouragement.

But curiosity always won and I had a couple of lives to spare.

What was it about the happy sales assistant that got two best friends fighting? Why did Levi care so much about a girl he couldn’t even talk about?

Once I helped her put everything back in place, I quickly blurted out, “You’re not related to Irvin, are you?”

She blinked but she wasn’t suspicious. “Are you one of his friends?”

“I know The Corps, I guess,” I admitted, not wanting to tell her that her brother scared the hell out of me sometimes.

“Oh.”

I realised, too late, that this was the wrong answer. I didn’t want to give her the impression that I was Lucas 0.2. The Corps were more than just a band I liked.

As she turned away, I said, “Hanji sent me. She wanted some cakes for everyone.”

Petra stilled at Hanji’s name. “Let me guess? Two slices of chocolate – cream, no expenses, - butterfly cupcakes and Victoria sponge for Mike because he’s boring and likes it with his tea?”

“Three slices of chocolate,” I corrected her, staring down at the list. When she turned back to stare at me, I added, “Probably for me.”

Petra looked at me for a moment longer then started searching the bakery for what The Corps had requested. She didn’t speak until the final slice of chocolate was carefully wrapped and placed in a box similar to the ones she knocked over earlier.

“So,” she said, as we exchanged the box for Hanji’s money, “who’s mad at who?”

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to tell her but, behind her easy smile, Petra actually seemed concerned. I didn’t want to upset her with the fact that they were fighting about her but I couldn’t lie to her.

“Um, well. Levi and-”

She burst out laughing. I blinked at her. “What?

“N-nothing,” she said, through giggles. “It’s just…”

“Just _what_?”

“Your face!” She didn’t say it meanly but _jeez_.

Said face flushed and she instantly stopped laughing and started shaking her head. “No, no, no! Don’t get upset! I meant- you just-” She started laughing again.

“Petra,” I said, exasperated.

“It’s just that you sounded really scared of Levi.” She smiled kindly and the care was obvious. Scenarios span around in my head but I couldn’t hate her if I tried. There wasn’t anything about Petra that could be mildly disliked. “I’m not surprised. He isn’t the easiest of company.”

“None of them are!” I whined. I guess her kindness made me want to confide in her. I leant back against the counter and blew out a breath strong enough to cause the hair over my forehead to flutter. “Mike spends all his time drinking so much coffee that I feel like his stomach may need pumping one day. And Irvin is…”

I trailed off, realising who I was talking to.

Petra smiled, not unkindly but definitely wryly. “My stepbrother.” _That explains the surname thing_.

“Oh, yeah.” I cleared my throat. “He’s nice. And big.”

She raised an eyebrow and I hid my face in my hands. “I meant, _tall_ ,” I said into my palms.

Petra laughed again. “And what’s the opposite of that?”

“Levi.”

She laughed harder. I glared at her but it wasn’t serious. “This isn’t a laughing matter! Does he always act like he hates everyone as much as he hates Taco Bell?”

Abruptly, her laughing stopped, her eyes wide. “You know he hates Taco Bell?”

“The whole of Trost Centre Shopping Mall knows he hates Taco Bell,” I grumbled. “He wouldn’t shut up about it.”

“You went shopping with him?” Petra looked at me like I had grown another head.

“No,” I said then I corrected myself. “Well, kinda. I felt peer pressured into carrying his bags but he did buy me ice cream. And he paid for the Taco Bell that he hated so much.”

She shook her head. “You’re his _friend_?”

The question threw me. I spent so much time trying to be Levi’s friend that it never occurred to me that I could be that already.

_But friends hang out a lot and laugh at each other’s jokes and like each other and…_

_Okay. Maybe we’re kinda friends. Kinda._

“I don’t know,” I said instead. “He doesn’t make friendship easy, that’s for sure.”

“Easy?” she repeated then laughed but the humour was tense. “More like impossible.”

“He’s not _that_ bad. He can be nice. Sometimes.” I touched my neck, just to make sure I still only had one head.

“Are we talking about the same Levi?”

“Short, angry, French?”

“You’ve heard him speak _French_?” This came out as a squeak. She looked like she needed an inhaler.

“Technically sing.”

She relaxed a little then exclaimed, “Oh! I don’t know you’re name.”

“Eren.”

Her eyes swept over my face. “I’ve heard of you. Irvin was talking about you on the phone once. Something about band mascot.”

I groaned. “Where did he even get that idea from?”

“Hanji, probably.”

“Damn it.” I narrowed my eyes at the cash I had leftover. Maybe I could put chilli powder in her cake as revenge. Ridicule Hanji as she ridiculed me.

Then I realised that it was too mean for such a flighty creature and Irvin was the one truly insistent on the idea of putting me in a hotdog suit or whatever. The only chance I had was Irvin’s school photos, if Levi ever showed me them.

If these cakes did their job and our whole table went back to normal again.

“Anyway,” I said, looking up to smile at Petra. “Thank you. I better get these cakes back to them.”

She nodded but her eyes betrayed sadness. I doubted she really wanted me to be around. Maybe it was just the conversations about Levi she wanted to hear.

At that thought, I compelled myself to move and leave. Accepting Levi cared about some girl that was too lovely to fault was one thing but encouraging her after Petra’s name caused an uproar was another.

Then I remembered that I wasn’t actually here on Hanji’s agenda. I wasn’t at this bakery to fatten The Corps up with kindness and generosity. I wasn’t here for my curiosity either, really.

By sending me here, Hanji had reminded me of why I had even become friends with The Corps in the first place. The Corps or not, this was my decision to make. Not Levi’s or Irvin’s. Mine.

And Petra’s.

I paused in my exit and turned back. “Actually, Petra?”

“Hm?” She looked up from the counter with hopefulness. It was too easy to see why Levi would care about.

I swallowed nervously. “I heard you, uh, dance. Is that true?”

For once, she was suspicious. She looked at me like I had asked her the last time she showered. But, all the same, she nodded.

So I told her, about my job and The Corps and Marco and his violin. Her face adopted the stiff resilience that Irvin’s had when Levi first spoke her name but her eyes were distant, just as Levi’s had been. _What the hell happened between them all?_

I didn’t tell her about how my role was a punishment; not wanting to make Petra feel as though I was trying to guilt her into helping me but maybe it wouldn’t have mattered either way. Petra’s expression remained firm. My words trailed off into the air and onto an uncomfortable silence.

How many lives I had didn’t matter when some stories were never meant to satisfy curiosity.

Awkwardly, I thanked Petra for her time, wanting nothing more to leave the tension-filled shop with the cheery bell signalling my disappearance from Petra Ral’s life.

Petra didn’t say goodbye but, when my hand touched the door, she spoke, softly. “Hanji.”

I paused and she said, barely over a whisper, “You never told me what you thought of Hanji.”

Turning to give her a quizzical look, I answered her request. “Well, Hanji is… _Hanji_. She’s funny and enthusiastic and full of energy. She almost choked me in a hug once. But-” _Levi saved me_. “But she’s got the best intentions. I wouldn’t think she had a bad bone in her body. She’s always trying to make everyone happy.”

It was really hard to ignore that Petra’s eyes were tearful whilst her smile was brilliant. But if there was any way for apologising to her – to Levi and Irvin – about bringing up her dancing. This was it.

Hanji must have made Petra really happy too.

“Hanji’s a really good person,” I said and it was the truth. “Anyone would be lucky to call her a friend.”

I pretended not to notice Petra turning away and dabbing at her eyes with the bottom of her apron. But her quiet but heart-felt, “thank you, Eren,” chased away any remaining tension.

When she turned back, she tilted her head to the side and smiled, eyes closing in genuine joy. “I’m sure she’s lucky to call you her friend too. I’m sure they all are.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I joked but it wasn’t really a joke.

“Eren, do you think…” She nibbled her lip unsurely but then her eyes flashed with resolve. “Do you think you could maybe wait for another ten minutes? I clock off and I want to show you something that I think Hanji would have liked you to see.”

“Hanji?” I questioned.

“She’s more than just a good person,” Petra said confidently. “She’s _incredible_.”

I looked down at the cakes and wondered if Levi was the one that liked the butterfly ones. It wouldn’t surprise me that Levi would surprise me.

 _I guess I’ll have to wait to find out._ “Sure. Do you do hot drinks here? I wouldn’t mind something warm while I wait.”

*

Now, I wasn’t really scared of Petra taking me into a deserted alley and stealing my cakes and maybe my life but when the bus she boarded us on dropped us off far from my usual habitat and into a web of too many looming grey apartment blocks, I gave her a look that I hoped said: _I’m trusting you with my life. Don’t sacrifice me to Satan_.

Petra just smiled back.

She led the way, expertly zigzagging through side streets and past a closed strip of shops. Only one was open, advertising movies that didn’t look like it would stock your favourite Marvel blockbusters, that was for sure. Some eighth graders hung outside it, despite the owner yelling from the inside for the pesky shits to fuck off (his words, not mine.) I steeled myself from their glares but Petra marched on. Her confidence was surprising. After all, our first experience involved her almost getting fired after causing a rain of doughnuts.

I was following Petra around a corner when she skidded to a stop at the edge, causing me to bump into her but it probably caused her more pain than me. She didn’t show it.

“Okay,” she said. “We’re here. You ready?”

I looked around. Whatever it was, it was waiting beyond this corner. I hoped no one got the round idea at us standing on the edge of a street but there was no one to see us.

“I have no idea what to be ready for but…” I nodded.

Petra looked up at me with a smile then moved forward, allowing me to join her side.

The grey of the walls had shifted into a whirlwind of colour. I shielded my eyes, more in surprise than anything, but I felt stunned, as if I was looking too closely at the sun.

It wasn’t just yellow but blues, greens, reds, pinks and all the colours in between. The side wall of whatever unused apartment block this was had found paint.

It wasn’t graffiti, though I suppose the local police department probably called it that. Then again, the local police department was probably more concerned about drug raids around these ends than someone who wanted to make the world smile.

Silently, I moved closer, trying to decode the pictures but there was so many. There were people made of nature and four-legged animals standing on two feet and the trees wrapped around the music notes a beautiful woman made of flowers was singing. There were words, languages I couldn’t guess about, let alone understand. The wall was covered for a couple of feet, before it trailed out into a rainbow of colour, as if the clouds had rained on this side of the single-story building and the rain had become art so lovingly detailed, it felt _alive_.

I reached out, close enough to touch, but simply let my finger draw over a lock of hair, attached to a beautiful mermaid, who was beckoning a love struck sailor. The playful expression in her eyes and the adoration in his was astounding. I had never felt moved by art but it felt like the art was moving me.

“Eren,” Petra called softly enough that the trance of the beauty didn’t break.

I stumbled towards where she was crouched down, at the far corner of the wall. Her hand rested over something. I peered down and she revealed a signature in the exact font of the writing on the scrap of paper in my pocket.

 _Hanji. Hanji did this_.

I must have said it out loud because Petra nodded and said, “When she left high school, in fact. She had a bad few years there and this was her way of channelling the bad into something good.”

“This is unbelievable,” I breathed, staring at a black cat which stared back. I could see the details in his fur, the glint in his eye. “This is _incredible_.”

Petra smiled then tugged at my sleeve. I crouched down beside her. She gently stroked over a drawing that was smaller than even her palm.

“Wings of Freedom,” Petra murmured and it sounded like a prayer. “She said that leaving the bad times and making art were her wings. She said that everyone has wings; it just takes strength and endurance to spread them, despite the storm. And it takes determination and passion to fly.”

I stared at the painted wings, one black and one white, my mind registering the symbol as something familiar but I couldn’t think of anything except Petra’s explanation.

 _Everyone has wings_. Had I not been strong enough, endured enough to know mine?

Petra laughed softly to herself. “You know, when the band first started out, Hanji fell into what Levi calls ‘the Teenage Emo Band Trap.’ She spent more time doodling logos on her school books than writing lyrics into the back of them. Levi used to say that a logo is pointless until you had music. I guess he was right. They never used a logo – too cheesy and The Corps are hardly the pop punk scene – but if they were to have one, I’d say it to be this one. Unofficially.” She looked at me and she was close enough that I could watch the skin around her eyes crinkle in happiness at the memories of the Teenage Emo Band she must have loved.

 _She must still love_.

Her kindness – to bring me here and show me something that changed my perspective on so much more than graffiti – made me brave. I opened my mouth to ask, about her dancing and about Levi, when voices sounded behind us.

With surprising quickness, Petra jumped to her feet, turning to face three boys cloaked in hoodies that, unfortunately, had us backed into a dead end. I followed, without grace, but clenched my fist, despite feeling the impending battle. There were three street thugs against me and Petra Ral.

If Irvin and Levi didn’t hate me enough for bringing the subject of her up at The Corps local coffee meet then they certainly wouldn’t like it if I could her bruised and battered.

Still, the idea of someone hurting a creature that resembled a wood nymph made me angry enough to vow not to go down without a fight.

“We’re not looking for trouble,” Petra said. Her voice was without a tremor. I admired her bravery but it was in vain. We weren’t looking for trouble but they certainly were.

The boy up front hesitated at her voice. “Petra Ral? Long time no see.”

Petra knew these guys? I gave her a sidelong glance and planned to, if I came out alive after this situation, to ring up Kim and tell her that people did have gang backstories in real life.

“I was here to show my friend something and now, we’re going to leave.” Her voice was almost _threatening_. “Without any issues.”

“You know,” said the boy on the right, “I thought that was Levi before he stood up but ha. Too short.”

 _They know Levi too. I’m right in the middle of a gang rivalry. Never agree to buying cakes for anyone_.

A muscle ticked in Petra’s jaw but she didn’t say anything except, “You should get out of here before you can, guys.”

I felt a little ridiculous, despite her bravery. Did she honestly think that she could fight these guys? Maybe she could tap dance on their faces if I managed to get them down to the ground?

“Yeah, yeah,” said the leader with a snort. “What are you good for, little girl? What are your _friends_ good for? When was the last time Irvin played hero?”

They were provoking her and it was working. I touched the back of her hand and the boys noticed with sniggers. “A new boyfriend, Petra? Finally done chasing Levi?”

“Levi is my _friend_.” Her face was flushed and I hoped the boys were too far to see but the grip on my hand was tight enough to hurt me. “As is this guy. And we’re going _home_.”

“Together?” the last of the three finally spoke up and they all hollered.

I must have given off a sign that I was going to step forward because Petra pulled at our interlocked hands, forcing me to look at her. I expected a scolding but she murmured, “When I say.”

I was too startled to do anything except nod, just barely.

“Well, at least this one looks alive,” the leader said, nudging his friends. “Levi must be a dreadful fuck, right, Petra? Oh, wait, you _don’t know_.”

They all laughed and I wanted to punch them, for disrespecting Petra and for insulting Levi, but I remained still as Petra spoke over their howls, “Because he’s my friend but that may convenient you all, seeing as you’re _so_ obsessed with Levi’s sex life. I could put in a good word for you.”

Now, I was trying not to laugh. Petra’s polite argument, however, only provoked them and they began edging towards us.

All I could think was that I really didn’t want our blood splattered on Hanji’s beautiful art.

“Save it, honey. We can put in a good word ourselves.”

“In fact… how about we show Levi just _how_ we like our fucking? Eh, boys?” They all nodded at each other, rolling up their sleeves.

Instantly, I gripped the back of Petra’s shirt. They were street thugs but were they really that sick? Was their rivalry with Levi so strong that they would do something so unmentionable?

But then the leader continued and I felt a little relief before it was overshadowed with dread. “Don’t worry, Petra. We’ll just give your boyfriend here a taster of what Levi did to us. He may have been defending your honour but we’re here to defend to our own. Grab her and make her watch me beat the pretty boy bloody.”

I didn’t even have the time to question as to why he would ask two to take on Petra or the fact that he called me _pretty_ when she squeezed my hand once more before releasing it. She whispered one word. “ _Now_.”

Obviously, I didn’t know exactly what she expected me to do but running from a fight wasn’t in my nature. That was what got me in trouble.

For once, maybe it would get me out of it.

As the two featureless boys went for Petra, the head of the pack swaggered towards me. I guess his appreciation for my facial features made him arrogant. This had come in handy once before.

But this wasn’t a playground fistfight with Jean Kirschtein, though the reminder of Jean’s Yoda was whispering in my conscious, telling me to count down the steps, the seconds, until the time was _just_ right enough for me to plant my fist into the motherfucker’s face.

The bastard didn’t even see it coming.

The element of surprise was only good for so long. The impact threw him off balance and Petra yelled for me to get out of the corner and- she stopped yelling advice similar to the one that Jean gave me in my head to kick one boy and throw a perfectly executed punch at the second. The boy even screamed as blood spurted from his nose. I would have appraised her if a similar reaction wouldn’t be happening to me soon enough if I didn’t ready myself for the now enraged leader.

“Not so pretty now, am I?” I hissed. I learnt the hard way that provoking the guy you just punched wasn’t a good idea. I barely dodged his fist, listening to Yoda Jean who told me to _trip that punk ass bitch up, Jaeger, or so help me_.

I had to admit, we got lucky. These guys were no mafia. All they had was their hatred that I didn’t understand and their determination. Bloody Nose jabbed at a lightning quick Petra and the Not-So Pretty Leader was up as soon as he fell, throwing punches at me with so much fury he could have been my twin.

 _Except he wasn’t, ya know, pretty_. I couldn’t tell if I was more insulted or flattered by his opinion on my appearance but treating it as both made me consider every successful punch a thank you.

Adrenaline was a magical thing. Despite feeling the pain of _his_ successful hits, I didn’t relent. Each attack made me angrier, fiercer. I registered the blood on my face and my form wavering due to the few knocks on my head but I thought about Petra – who was making two grown boys _cry_ – and Irvin who protected her so fiercely from even his closest friends and Levi who once protected her like I was trying to and I didn’t want to lose too terribly in his comparison. I had to honour Levi’s ass-kicking memory.

I got in a good punch at that thought.

I thought about the art we were fighting against and Hanji – recklessly happy and scarily eager Hanji – who told me to not be so hard on myself, to ignore what anyone else said and ask my own questions, to fight my own battle.

I didn’t know what my wings were or if I was the sad exception to the rule but I borrowed the wings, the strength, of the people I was honoured to call my friends and threw the boy down, once and for all, for tonight.

Petra was beside me, bloodied fists still raised like mine, but we must have looked pretty scary, for two pretty people. The three boys swore furiously but pulled at each other and ran as far as linked boys could, when one of them was dragging them down with a sprained ankle.

We looked at each other and I was enraged to find bruises building their home on her face. She reached up and touched my lip. I winced as she pulled away fresh blood.

Then we laughed, until it hurt my lip and hurt her stomach, which made us want to laugh some more but Petra simply pushed my shoulder and said, “Let’s get out of here before the come-back with their whole high school gang.”

She didn’t sound particularly threatened so I blurted out, “Were you part of a gang? Or something? You fight so well!”

Petra giggled, looking and sounding odd considering she was covered in the blood of two men. “What is this? A crappy made-for-TV movie? Of course not, Eren. I did karate for years. Certified black belt, Petra Ral. And don’t make me laugh. One of those shits got in a nasty kick.”

“Not as nasty as his broken nose,” I said, with a teasing smile.

She ducked her head modestly, almost _shy_ about her skills. “You’re not so bad yourself, for a _pretty boy_.”

I groaned and Petra told me to stop moving my mouth because there was a concerning amount of blood dripping down my chin. We leant on each other and started heading away from Hanji’s art. I knew we wouldn’t be back soon, if ever, so I simply looked back at the mural for a moment, taking in everything I could and stopping on the tiny wings until they were a speck of paint in millions of flecks. Then I focused on not collapsing on Petra.

The streets were as deserted as ever and, if anyone noticed a bloody couple, they didn’t care. We staggered along and Petra talked, to keep us both on our feet.

“I’ve known Levi all my life,” she said, gripping my hand tightly. “My mom married Irvin’s father when I was still in kindergarten but there’s no stepdad stuff with him. I kept my mom’s maiden name but, otherwise, he was my dad completely. Still is. Irvin’s my big brother. Levi was… _Levi._ He lived close by and our parents were friends, Levi was always around or we were always having dinner at their place.”

Sometimes I forgot that Levi was a normal human being, with parents and a childhood. It was weird to think of him as anything other than the lead singer with an attitude problem.

Petra laughed. “God, he hasn’t changed. He was a quiet kid but so _angry_. It’s like he came out of his mother’s womb sworn to hate the world. But he liked Irvin and I suppose he didn’t hate me.” She added the last part softly. “I liked him for that.”

I was an idiot, yes, but I wasn’t blind. I knew the difference between like and _like_ and Petra was certainly talking about _like_. I was almost glad I was so tired. If it got too unbearable, I could always repress it into a dream later.

“He was family. When my mom and dad couldn’t make my recitals then I had him clapping in the crowd, looking at me like he hated the world a little less after watching me dance. When his parents weren’t there for his awards, I was. Irvin was. For me, he was enough. For him… not so much.” She inhaled deeply and I didn’t dare speak, even though I wanted to tell her how it was okay, she didn’t need to tell me. It was no longer just about Levi. Everyone had perfect images of people in their head. I didn’t want Petra to ruin Levi’s. I didn’t want to think of someone as lovely, as strong, as _good_ as Petra being hurt.

But I said nothing. “High school is not the best time of your life, Eren. Screw that phrase. High school broke people. It broke families. Levi left home at sixteen. The awards turned into detentions he didn’t go to, a school he barely attended. I felt helpless in the crowds that watched him walk away. And, God, I feel so _dumb_ but I loved him, Eren.”

Hearing Petra say it out loud hurt but it hurt her more. Her voice shook dangerously but we were walking on, eyes on the grey streets ahead of us. “We weren’t good enough, me and Irvin. We wanted to be good enough- _I_ wanted to be good enough. I wanted to be his wings.”

I stumbled and she righted me gently. She smelt like blood and the remains of the perfume she wore and the shampoo she used. Her arms were around my waist and her face in my neck. I placed my hands as gently as I could on her shoulders. They shook.

Petra Ral, who had faced almost getting fired and three boys in an alley, was crying over _Levi_.

“Petra,” I murmured gently. “Petra, that’s it. You don’t need to tell me-”

But she shook her head, pulling back from the embrace to speak with honesty shining in her eyes. “He didn’t miss a recital, though. Levi, who found no reason to get out of bed on a morning, didn’t miss a single one of my performances. Even when his parents would be there in hope of catching his sleeve and talking him into coming home, being part of a family again, Levi never left me. Our home was his second but he didn’t let it become his first. Even when Irvin couldn’t even get a call through and he barely spoke more than two words to me in a _month_ , he somehow knew every one of my recitals. He watched me dance for _twelve years_ , Eren. And dancing was my wings. He saw that. I know he did.”

I thought about Levi the man being Levi the _boy_. I thought about the Levi I knew being broken and shuddered. Petra clutched me tighter. We were two bloody messes clinging to each other in the middle of a street somewhere.

“You can’t discredit feelings just because you’re young. My friends told me that he wouldn’t love me. Broken boys couldn’t love but that felt too much like saying broken boys couldn’t be fixed. I didn’t want to lose my Levi.” She ran a hand over her face and the blood staining it smudged. “But he was never mine to begin with.”

She sounded so sad, so alone, and it hurt to think she was. It hurt to think that, whatever her next words would be; they were the cause of her only contact with Levi occurring through a stranger that didn’t deserve his company. Petra deserved Levi.

Not me.

“I was the star of a recital, a sixteen year old dancing prodigy. It was so big, so bright, that I couldn’t see anyone in the crowd. But I knew Levi would be there. He was _always_ there,” she whispered and the horror of the memory relived in her eyes. She looked up at me. “I called out his name, thank him, and _stupidly_ , I said I loved him. Everyone chanted his name to bring him on stage until it was clear that my love was unrequited. I was left on stage with a banquet of flowers and a broken heart. But here’s the funny part, Eren – I wasn’t heartbroken because I thought Levi had rejected me but because I thought he wasn’t there. I thought Levi had finally given up on me, just as he had given up on everything else.”

I knew her next words and wanted to cover my ears from the cruelty I was unveiled to.

“Imagine my joy to find out he was in the crowd,” Petra said but there was no bitterness, old sadness. “Imagine my joy to find out he didn’t love me and I had lost my most precious friend.”

She wasn’t crying. Her tears fell at the thought of Levi – broken, wingless Levi – but, at her own humiliation and pain, Petra only stared back at me with the kind of pain that ached rather than stung. To this day, she was still hurting.

Petra’s mouth turned up in a gentle smile. “And because of me, Levi, lost the only family, the only home he had left.”

I was quick to shake my hand quickly, head spinning, but she touched my face, my mouth, with trembling fingers. “Don’t. Time is precious, Eren. You can’t give back time lost. You can’t fix time for the broken.”

Maybe she was trembling from the after effects of the adrenaline or the rising wind ruffling our hair or the reminder of the last time Levi looked at her, pale eyes colder than any breeze in our lungs.

She rested her forehead on my shoulder and spoke into my ruined shirt. “He may have let my brother back in and he may have Mike and wonderful, beautiful Hanji but it doesn’t change the fact that I stole them from him. I stole him the only happiness he had. I could never repay him for the days he woke up feeling so awfully alone in such a busy world.”

I wanted to remind her of what Levi did to her, to say she owed him nothing, but could I remind her of how alone she was, right now, with my battered body as a crutch? Could I do anything but hate the Levi I knew now rather than pity the Levi she knew then?

I spoke, voice hoarse, as if I were the one that had been crying. “He didn’t deserve you.”

She leant back at that, eyes darting over my face as if to read my intentions. My head throbbed, my face felt sore and all I could taste was blood. I was close enough to match the colours of her newly forming bruises to Hanji’s paint pallet. Her lips were blood free.

My head dipped and hers tilted up but I didn’t want to kiss her and she was looking at me like she knew that, like the only thing that connected us was a boy we both wanted to forget. I closed my eyes before our foreheads could even touch, took a breath and jerkily pulled back, releasing her in haste.

“I-I’m sorry,” I slurred, flushing. “Please don’t get the wrong idea or- or get offended. I’m just-”

“No, it’s fine. Don’t apologise,” she said, with finality. Her cheeks were no more flushed at my advances than they were at the chill surrounding us. She caught my hands before I fully let her go and peered at my face, as if trying to find an answer in it. “Eren, are you-”

I never got to find out the question.

Our street was no longer empty. A familiar Porsche screeched to a halt not far from us and Levi and Irvin rushed out. Petra let go off me but they had seen anyway.

Levi reached us first but Irvin was close at his heels. Irvin looked pained at the sight of his beat up sister, his large hands curling in fists that were the only things that gave away how much anger he was restraining. Levi, for once, wasn’t completely expressionless. His eyes flitted between me and Petra with accusation, whether it be at her blood-soaked state or the back of our hands, which were still touching.

It had been God knows how many years since Levi and Petra had seen each other and he was looking at her with the disgust that he reserved for me. I was too angry to feel guilty.

I stepped forward to shout or maybe hit Levi to see how broken he really was but Petra caught my hand and held it, just as she had facing our three opponents earlier. I looked at her, at her gentle face behind the pain and the blood, and saw her eyes tell me to not say a word, to not betray the unreasonable amount of trust she gave me and let me emotions get the better of me.

I hated Levi right now and I was sure she saw that but she knew I wouldn’t hate him in the morning, just as she hadn’t. She smiled as I slumped and she whispered, “It’s not his fault.”

Petra Ral made me never want to fall in love. People in love did stupid things, like let the ones they love be stupid too.

I smiled back as much as my sore mouth could bear but Levi’s impatience cut through. “Do you want to explain what the fuck is going on here?”

He didn’t shout but he was angry. _Good. Make him feel something for her, after the years of feeling nothing_.

“Levi,” Irvin said quietly, through gritted teeth. “I told you to stay out of this.”

“I did!” he snapped at his friend but his eyes were on me. “I don’t know how they met.”

I was too tired and too achy to say anything except, “Ask Hanji.”

We had left the cakes somewhere near her artwork, thanks to the fight. After everything that had happened, I didn’t care that much.

“And why exactly are you covered in blood?” Irvin asked. I could see his suspicions being confirmed through the expressions in his eyes. _Eren Jaeger is bad news_.

Petra began her answer, leaving her brother and childhood friend blinking at the fire in her tone. “There were some guys. There was a fight. What’s new when you’re Levi’s protection project, right?”

I recalled the boys we fought against talking about Levi fighting against them for Petra, in some way, but it seemed like that was a story for another rainy day. Whatever the situation, Irvin flinched as though she had spat at him. Levi only got angrier. I was too satisfied at the sight, even though he directed that rage at me.

“You go into the worst area in town and you start a fight. Are you suicidal?” he growled. He didn’t even give me the chance to open my mouth and defend myself. “And you got your ass kicked, I bet-”

“No,” Petra said, her jaw tight. “No, Eren fought with me. Eren _helped_ me. And don’t you dare say another word bad about him.”

I stared at the anger burning in her gentle eyes and then at Levi, who was shaking his head. He made the mistake of saying her name, softly, in disbelief.

“Shut up!” Even I stepped back at Petra’s shriek. She ducked her head quickly, as if ashamed by her scream, but repeated her words. “Shut up. Levi.”

The sound of his name being spoken caused Levi to still. No one said anything for a minute, until Petra’s shout was no longer an echo in our ears. I imagined it ringing in Levi’s for the rest of the night and wanted him to hear it for everyday Petra hurt over hurting him.

Irvin shook his head and reached for his sister. “Petra-”

“Let’s go home,” she said tiredly, eyes solely on her brother. “Please.”

“Okay.” Irvin nodded, features softening as he removed his jacket to place over her shoulders.

No one spoke as Levi got behind the wheel and Irvin beside him. When Petra reached out to hold my hand in the back seat, I squeezed it, uncaring of Levi’s eyes in the rear view mirror noticing every muscle. My other hand held the scrap of paper Hanji had given to me before this eventful adventure began.

Fifteen minutes later, Levi pulled up in front of the kind of house that would be featured in TV shows starring the working class to upper class ratio. I didn’t question it but when Irvin opened the car door for his sister, I followed her out.

Ignoring Irvin, I touched Petra’s shoulder and silently handed her the paper. I held my breath as she opened it but the slight widening in her tired eyes was all I needed to know.

“I think Hanji misses you,” I said quietly.

Petra replied by throwing her arms around me, which caused us both to groan in pain then laugh at our misery but, in between giggles and sobs, Petra thanked me, again and again, and it made the bruises almost worth it. Almost.

When she pulled back, her eyes were fresh with tears. Petra only cried about the things that mattered.

I was glad Hanji mattered. Petra deserved Hanji.

We let go off each other and Irvin gently placed his hand on her back. I looked up at him, fearful for his dismissal, but he nodded, like he had when I was first welcomed onto The Corps’ table.

Then they were going inside their home and Levi slammed his car door shut, the only sign he had given to say he had gotten out at all.

I expected the next ten minutes to be another silent drive until Levi said, eyes fixed on the road, “You know, for someone who everyone rumours to be ridiculously antisocial, if not borderline unapproachable, you sure know how to hit it off with the ladies.”

“Excuse me?” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Petra. Oh? You thought I wouldn’t notice?” he mocked after an indignant snort.

“Notice what?”

Levi rolled his eyes. “Forget it, Eren. She’s not your type. Irvin wouldn’t let you date her anyway.”

It took me a minute to process his words. “ _Date_ her? Why would I want to date her? I only just met her!”

When he didn’t reply straight away, I mumbled, “And, even if I wanted to, that’s between me and her.”

His grip on the steering wheel tightened and his knuckles turned white. He took a hard turn that bumped my fragile body against the car door. I hissed at the pain.

“Irvin’s my best friend and Petra’s my…” Levi trailed off pathetically and that was the only time I could associate the word _pathetic_ with the famous Levi.

“Your what?” I demanded and, when he couldn’t reply, I let out a bitter laugh.

Somehow, that spelt it out for him. “So, she told you.”

It wasn’t a question but a deadpan statement. I didn’t feel obliged to answer.

“Figures. Did she cry? No- no! Let me guess, you probably cried to.” He laughed, with no humour, less bitter and more _anger_. My own fury was too powerful for me to do anything but grip my seat and acknowledge that Levi was a truly despicable person. “Maybe you can comfort fuck her, Eren. Knight in shining armour and whatnot.”

It took a lot of strength to speak. “Stop the car.”

“What?”

“Stop it.”

He stopped and I had no idea where we were but I didn’t care. I climbed out the car and shut the door in Levi’s face when he yelled, “Hey, Eren! Where the hell do you think you’re going?” with perhaps a little too much force. It was either wrecking his paint job or wrecking his face and I was in no state to be a decent fight.

He stepped out onto the road, in a street less intimidating than the ones I had spent the past few hours in but no less _alive_.

“Jaeger! Where the fuck are you going?”

“Home!”

He was so quick that I didn’t even get away from his fancy car. “Do you even know where we are? Don’t be an idiot, Jaeger. Get back in the car!”

As soon as his hand touched mine – the same hand that held Petra’s for so long – I pushed him off, which only caused my own unbalance but it was the thought that counted.

“Fuck you! I don’t want to!” I yelled, putting every part of my anger in my words. “Petra loved you and it doesn’t matter if it was a teenage infatuation, you were an asshole. And you still are, God damn it!”

I glared at him and, for once, he didn’t glare back. “Those guys that attacked us were talking shit about you and Irvin and she – stuck – up – for – you. _You!_ But they were right. You’re nothing more than an uptight asshole that needs to-”

The pain of being slammed into the Porsche paled in the blow of Levi’s close proximity pressing me into the vehicle. His surprise was gone, replaced with the same anger that had him gripping the steering wheel earlier, only now he was holding me.

He didn’t yell. “Did she tell you?”

“W-what?” I couldn’t think with his hands clinging hard enough to hurt more than I already was and his legs pressing into mine, preventing an escape. He was closer than Petra had been, than anyone ever was beyond a simple embrace, and he looked ready to slap my face into his car, damage no object.

“You couldn’t have been smart enough to work it out for yourself-“

I interrupted, struggling in his hands. “Tell me what? I don’t understand! Let me go!”

He stared at me and I tried to work out what it was about me that made people search my features, looking for an answer for a question that I never knew or understood. But my features betrayed my innocence and the anger almost visibly drained out of Levi.

Deeming me innocent, he pushed himself off me and turned, holding his head as if he was the one that fought a kid in the wrong kinda neighbourhood.

“Get in the car. You can sulk all you want when you get home as long as you _get_ home. I don’t want Mikasa on my tail,” he said, back to sounding like the world was the problem here.

 _I may as well have not said anything at all._ _Levi doesn’t care about anyone but himself_ , I thought in defeat. As he drove me home in stony silence, I thought about the advice Jean had given me about friends that were worth their friendship.

Levi wasn’t worth of even my friendship and it didn’t make me feel any better about myself but it was what I had to accept.

When he stopped the car, I got out right away, mumbling a thank you, which was only met with his complaints about me getting blood on his leather seats. I was too tired to tell him to get his head out of his own ass and simply limped home.

Mikasa was waiting for me but I brushed past her, my face telling her not to say anything, just this once. I let her clean my up whilst I stared up at my ceiling, my mind a mess of Petra’s smile and Levi’s eyes. My sister was smart enough to check up on me throughout the night, her knowledge of concussions keeping us as far from doctors as anyone could possibly be.

She didn’t need to wake me up because I couldn’t sleep. I thought about Hanji’s painted wings and all the unfinished sentences of the day, my mind focusing on one in particular.

_Eren, are you…_

I remembered where I had seen the wings before – on a patch on Levi’s jacket, just as Petra’s unfinished question finally clicked.

_Eren, are you gay?_


	10. Snap Out Of It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: if you're triggered by even the mention of panic attacks, please be prepared for a scene within this chapter of that sort. you're a very brave and strong person and i'm so proud of you friend. i love you <3

Chapter Ten – Snap Out Of It

If the Hindus were right and reincarnation replaced the ideas of heaven, hell or eternal darkness, I would definitely tell my next self that telling your sister you're gay whilst walking down the street during the day like it's no big deal is not a good idea because, for straight people, being gay is usually kinda a big deal.

Sometimes I forgot people didn't see the world quite like I did.

After the initial questions my mind threw at my subconscious that stopped me from sleeping when I was too tired to even lift a finger, acceptance to it wasn't difficult. I was gay. I also had eyes that liked to change colour (Connie once lovingly described them as teal-green, in which Jean replied with, "Teal? _Teal-green?_ How fucking pretentious. They're just green!") They were facts about me, coupled with the fact that I was always angry and sucked at calculus. I was more concerned with failing/being kicked out of high school than what gender made my jeans too tight.

We were heading to Armin's place, invited by Gramps for dinner. Mikasa had told me to skip school – it was Friday anyway – so she could lay down a backstory. She told the whole school that she accidentally beat me up thinking I was a robber breaking into our apartment. I imagined the school sniggering at my bruises and bust lip – which didn't look as bad as I thought it would, confirming my successful fight – but Mr Owen heard about it and congratulated Mikasa on her self-defence skills. Unbelievable.

I had to repeatedly text Mikasa throughout the day to assure her I didn't have a concussion. She didn't ask what happened, even now, as I walked along in good health. It was as if all our arguments had created a gap between us that she couldn't reach over. She didn't have the right to ask and if she did, I had to right to not answer.

I would have been more upset at the thought if I didn't have anything to hide.

Regardless, I didn't really think when I blurted out that I was gay. Mikasa was still family. I figured she should know that I was not planning to give a legitimate heir to the throne anytime soon.

She stopped and looked at me, eyes wide. "What?"

"I'm gay," I repeated as I stopped and turned to look at her. I talked as though I was commented on the weather. It felt like I was.

"Eren," she said slowly, "are you serious?"

I nodded.

She breathed out slowly. "Eren, we're in the middle of a street. Couldn't this have waited until we got to Armin's place? Or at _home_?"

"Why? It's not like I'll be any more or any less gay than I am, trapped within walls. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and I'm _gay_."

Mikasa was confused at my confusion. "But this isn't the kinda conversation that should be-"

"A big deal!" I interrupted, frustrated. "You're okay with me being a raging homosexual but you can't deal with the fact that I didn't call a family meeting to explain that I'm a raging homosexual. Emphasis on the _raging_."

Seeing as all Mikasa was doing was staring at me, I turned and continued our walk. I was halfway down the street before she caught hold of me.

"Eren! Are you really gay?" She tried to root us to the ground but I kept walking.

"Really," I said dryly, avoiding her eyes. "I'm so gay. Very gay. _Extremely_ gay."

"When the hell did you get so fucking sarcastic?" She shook my arm in frustration.

I knew the answer to that but it was a person I didn't want to think about. I decided to throw myself out of the limelight and say, "Are you not hearing Armin these days? He's finally got the grips of it. I have to move up in the world."

Mikasa wasn't so easily distracted. "Well, stop it. You're being an asshole."

 _The perks of spending too much time with sarcastic adults who consumed their body weight in caffeine on a daily basis_.

I shrugged. "Then deal with my measure of gay which is about my body mass. You have a gay brother. Congratulations."

" _Eren_." Now she sounded hurt and I felt bad automatically.

"I'm sorry. It's just…" I trailed off, shaking my head. "Why is it that everyone thinks the world is better off hating than loving?"

"Are you in love, Eren?" She sounded alarmed.

I groaned in frustration. "You're missing the point, Mikasa! I meant the word generally. I love you, you're my family, and I'm gay and I figured you deserved to know that because it links with the reformed me. By that, I mean the telling the truth part, not the gay part."

Her eyes ran over my face, lingering on the bruises, as if to say: _where's the truth in that?_

I turned away, guilty as charged.

But then Mikasa touched my arm and then my face, where it wasn't bruised. "I'm proud of you," she murmured and I finally felt the heaviness of my realisation, that Mikasa questioned it because people would do worse things. I thought about the Sina boys, on that dreaded day, shouting abuse, as if being gay was something insulting.

Mikasa wasn't being mean, she was being realistic. Could I blame her for not wanting me to get anymore hurt than I already was?

I wrapped my arms around her and she rested her face against my neck. She whispered she was sorry and I knew it was for more than her questioning reaction or our recent arguments. Mikasa apologised for the cruelty I would have to face.

I said I was sorry too and I really was.

A group of eighth graders wheeled past on their too-small bikes, whistling until I yelled, "She's my sister, you sick fuckers!"

When they laughed, Mikasa pushed off me to turn and give them her standard glare. They drove away faster than Levi did when he dropped me off.

My mind, by reflex, thought of Levi but all that resulted in was guilt, now I had slept on his past and on my present. I had been unfair to him and I couldn't even say that he was unfair back because he made sure I got home safe.

I remembered how he didn't just leave me stranded. I remembered the whites of his knuckles. I remembered the expression in his eyes when I deliberately said what I could to hurt him, to get him to react. I got what I wanted and that was hurting him.

Then I remembered Petra crying with blood on her face. Nothing I could do would hurt Levi as much he'd hurt Petra.

As much as Levi had hurt me.

"Wait, Eren," Mikasa called as I started walking again. "We need to make a detour."

"Where to?"

"Pixis," she said, staring down at her phone. "Gramps forgot to grab drinks so we need a big bottle of fizzy or our enchiladas may light our mouths on fire."

She marched past me, turning towards Pixis' bar which was too close for me to prepare.

 _Levi would be there_.

I was no longer afraid of Mikasa seeing Levi. I was scared of Levi seeing _me_.

"We've already wasted enough time hugging out our feelings here," I said, trying to be casual. "Let's just go to Armin's."

"Gramps asked for drinks, Eren." My sister gave me a weird look. Understandable. "We're not going to go empty handed to the poor old man."

"We can drink water!" I argued but it was weak.

"Eren, are you trying to avoid Pixis?" She lowered her voice. "Is it because of the gay thing?"

"The gay thing is me, Mikasa! And _no_."

I wasn't avoiding Pixis but maybe I was avoiding Levi, now I knew why I noticed so much about him, like his skin bleached silver under stage lights and the pout of his lips around a cigarette.

I flushed and shook my head, willing the images away. "Look, can we just-"

"It's okay, Eren." Mikasa thought my embarrassment cancelled away my denial, which I'd rather she assume than the thoughts actually occupying my mind. "You don't have to tell Pixis right now and he wouldn't care either way. Pixis has his priorities straight."

We both paused, letting her words sink in.

"Uh, was that a jab?" I asked hesitantly, fighting a grin. I got my answer when she hit my arm and yelped, bouncing away. "Okay, maybe not! But no, really… do you think he'll be okay? _Really?_ "

"Oh, yes. Really," she insisted, in a mockingly perky tone. "Extremely, in fact. _So_ okay."

"Shut up, Mikasa," I mumbled back.

She smiled gently and laid a hand on my arm. "Eren. Pixis will be fine with it."

"Would Mom and Dad be?"

"Eren…" She sighed, taking my hand properly and looking at me with the same eyes that told me that we would survive, after everything, we would live. "They love you and they would be so proud of you, no matter what you love, _who_ you love."

I swallowed hard, blinking away the stinging in my eyes. "Thanks, sis."

She softened further at the nickname. "Come on, baby brother."

"Wait, what?"

Mikasa linked her arm in mine but it may as well have been a vice. "We're going to Pixis."

No amount of feet-planting and whining could stop brute force. My sister practically _pushed_ me through the bar door.

Mikasa marched to the counter with purpose, leaving me to gather my balance (I was currently holding my arms out to keep from falling flat out on the floor) whilst she said her hello to Thomas.

Hanji popping out from under the nearest table didn't exactly help my stability. "Hey, Eren!"

"Hanji!" I jumped, which, in my position, was a one-way ticket to the ground. Luckily, Hanji slid out from her hiding spot to grab my forearms and pull me up. She laughed, as though yesterday was a memory far in a past we had moved on from. I would have got angry at the easy dismissal of the recent occurrences but this was _Hanji_. I couldn't get angry at a human puppy.

"Watch your step, Eren!" she warned cheerily. "I didn't expect to see you here so soon."

 _So she isn't completely unaware of the situation_ , I thought, wincing.

I shrugged and Hanji smiled with sympathy before leaning towards me to dramatically whisper in my ear. "Between you and me, Levi has been absolutely-"

"Excuse me?"

It was a really bad time to concern myself with Levi's emotions when my sister had shown up with her eyes narrowed on Hanji, the large bottle of Coke resembling some sort of weapon.

Hanji straightened up abruptly, with a bright smile. "Ah! Eren's sister. Mikasa, right?"

My sister was so surprised by Hanji's enthusiasm that she numbly nodded, dark agenda forgotten for the time being. I used this hesitation to awkwardly move next to her as Hanji distracted her.

"I'm Hanji! Just a question: does Eren sing in the shower? Levi isn't currently on talking terms so I figured a replacement may be in order." She laughed and I knew she was kidding (about the replacement and maybe Levi too, who knew with Hanji?) but Mikasa's face was hard again.

"Well, now that we know each other, you can explain why my brother came home with _bruises_ on his face after talking to you in the park yesterday?"

Her fierce demand made me groan. "Mikasa, seriously, it wasn't Hanji's-"

"Don't." She turned on me. "Don't you _dare_ act like this is nothing. Maybe you won't tell me what happened but that doesn't mean I don't deserve an apology, even if you don't care."

"An apology?" Hanji echoed, sounding lost. "About what exactly?"

My sister obviously wasn't used to my friend's innocent personality. She grabbed my face and shouted, "This! I see you hanging about in the bar all the time so you've surely heard about his punishment for fighting and – let me tell you – _more_ fighting _isn't_ going to help."

At least, Mikasa had no idea about the band. It almost made up for the loathing in her tone.

"Well." Hanji removed her glasses to wipe them thoughtfully before putting them on. They flashed before revealing serious, intelligent eyes, making Mikasa blink at the transformation. "I wasn't the one that punched him."

"Then how about you apologise from taking him from his friends?" Mikasa hissed.

"Sis…" I felt uncomfortable. No matter what was happening with the band and with me and Levi, I had still spent enough coffee evenings to consider them friends. And, like Jean had said, I did _want_ to be friends with them all.

Well, mostly all. Levi was complicated.

I really needed to stop thinking about devils. Another appeared.

"Oi."

I chanted _please don't be Levi_ as I turned and confirmed that it was Levi. He didn't have the kind of voice that you'd forget or the sort of tone that was kind to strangers. I acknowledged this fact when I realised that his eyes weren't on me but on Mikasa.

 _Uh-oh_.

Levi moved past me to stand close to Hanji, his arms folded over his chest. The only expression I could find was boredom and perhaps slight irritation in the subtle narrowing of his eyes.

"Four-eyes here doesn't have to apologise for anything," he said, not loudly but clearly.

"Can you not see Eren's face?" Mikasa growled, not off-put by Levi's presence. In fact, she seemed angrier. My sister, who was calm and deadly, had found her match, her rival.

No one was safe.

He looked at me for a long time, flickering over the features as if to memorise them. Then he turned back to Mikasa and said, with a simple shrug, "A mix of stupidity and shitty genetics and that has nothing to do with Hanji. Back off."

_Did Levi just call me ugly?_

She did what he asked, looking at me instead, with eyes that were wide with incredulity. " _These_ are the people you've been ditching us for?"

"Mikasa, it's not-"

Levi raised an eyebrow. "Are you really going down that road?"

"Eren can't-"

Irritation passed over Levi's features and he snapped, "Eren can do whatever he damn pleases. He's not an incapable child. Who Eren chooses to spend his time with is his choice alone."

I thought back to how he told me that I couldn't date Petra and I had said words, similar but clumsier, back to him. He didn't meet my eyes for very long but when he did, I knew that this was as close to Levi got to admitting he was wrong.

We both looked away quickly but Mikasa was too observant. She stared between the two of us and I gulped when she asked Levi, "How well exactly do you know my brother?"

"Mikasa!" I said, horrified. She wasn't trying at all to mask her rudeness.

Then again, neither was Levi. "Not very."

It wasn't entirely untrue. Aside from sitting in his car twice and lighting his cigarette once, what did I honestly know about Levi?

"But," Levi continued, "I know a few things about family. I know control can break one, break people."

I remembered what Petra told me about Levi and his family but Levi looked anything but broken, standing up for me.

"Well, I hate to break it to you but our family is already pretty broken."

"Death will not break us unless we allow it."

"I didn't sign up for a therapy session."

"Good because I'm not giving one." Levi rolled his eyes, as if the bickering Mikasa was providing was below him. "Why should it matter what he does if he actually comes home on a night?"

"Because I'm sceptical in case he's spending his nights with people like you."

I choked on my sister's name, embarrassed at the innuendo in her reasoning and how neither Levi nor Hanji were strangers to what she was suggesting. My face felt blotchy and it took a lot of willpower not to physically step back when he looked at me, with eyes that asked if I had given that idea to Mikasa, to anyone.

An idea that disgusted Levi. He turned to the door, saying, "Oh I don't think you need to worry about that," with casual flippancy but the glare he gave Mikasa over his shoulder told her – and me – exactly what he thought of her accusation.

Hanji followed, without even looking at me. Friendship had its priorities. Hanji's was with Levi's, no matter what. The thought hurt but not as much as Levi's repulsed reaction or the fact that my sister was to blame.

I turned towards her, not bothering to hide my anger. It would have been amusing how, yesterday, I had been furious at Levi but now, through him, I was filled with a sickening hatred at my sister's shallow overprotectiveness. He was right. I made my own decisions. I had my own thoughts. I was my own person.

"What the hell was that?" I yelled.

"He started it," Mikasa muttered, more to the floor than me.

"No, _you_ did! Hanji didn't do anything. My fights have nothing to do with either of them."

She looked up with a glare that used to scare me into the truth. I suppose, now, it scared me into lying. "You know what, Eren? I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

"Because the state of your face and these people you know all of a sudden have one thing in common: you're keeping them from us." _Us_. It was longer just me and Mikasa. Jean, Sasha, Connie, Marco and even Armin felt like enemies.

"I'm not keeping anything from anyone! And these people are just here at the bar. It's nothing," I insisted before adding firmly, "But he has a point. If it was, it has nothing to do with you."

Mikasa snorted, an unfriendly sound. "How can you not see it yourself, Eren?"

"See what?"

"They're not good people. Those crowds are not good for you."

"You don't even know them!" Her prejudice only made my voice rise louder. If Irvin and Mike were still hanging about, they were probably catching on to every word.

"But I know you're ashamed of them."

I blinked, off put at the turn in our argument. "What?"

"You would tell us who your friends were if you weren't ashamed of them," she said simply.

I thought of The Corps playing music that lifted everyone to their feet. I thought of Hanji's art that lit up the greyest past of this city. I thought of Mike and Irvin, agreeing to do the festival for a kid they barely knew. I thought of Levi not letting me run away from him, even when I gave him every reason to run away from me.

I had no reason to be ashamed of Hanji, Mike, Irvin or Levi. It was the opposite. I was _proud_ of The Corps and I wouldn't let anyone tell me to feel otherwise.

Not even my sister.

"It's more like my friends are ashamed of me," I said quietly. "And I'm not talking about these guys."

Mikasa no longer looked at me as though she couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth but everything she said to hurt me felt like someone was trying to shock me to life. The Corps felt too close to a dream.

"Well," she replied as she strode towards the exit, "maybe you give them a reason to be."

Reality slammed the door in my face.

*

My mother's death anniversary fell on a Friday, this year.

Two days after our argument at the bar, Mikasa didn't speak to me and I didn't expect an exception on today, of all days. On the anniversaries of the death of Mom and Dad, she would lock herself in her room and, after the first three years of coping alone, I let her. I called in sick for us both, uncaring of how much calculus I needed to catch up on.

I ate a slice of toast for breakfast, barely tasting it as I watched the local news from the living room doorway. I was ready to head to Pixis' bar and didn't want to remove my shoes just to sit comfortably on the couch. Mom hated it when we went into carpeted rooms with shoes on. I hadn't lied to Levi when I told him that she liked to keep things clean. I didn't turn the TV off when I left, hoping it would coax Mikasa out of her room to eat something. I was mad at her but I wasn't inconsiderate.

Part of me wished that we had made up in preparation for the task of simply _living_ through today but I slept fitfully, remembering the look in my sister's eyes when she told me she was ashamed of me. It was weird being the one who wasn't completely in the wrong, for once.

Everything felt numb and slow. Cars that drove past were too quiet, too far. It was an effort to walk, to even think about the process in which my body commanded me to lift one leg, one foot, in front of the other. In the usually easy route to my common destination, I found myself stopping to lean a palm against the nearest wall. The only thing I heard clearly was my breathing and my heart but it was too loud, too harsh. The sound of the blood pumping through my veins made my head and the world spin. The only sounds I could hear were the proof of my own living.

All whilst my mother was not.

I tried not to breathe, not because I wanted to die. I just wanted to see if I could make the silence surrounding me into a tomb. But my heart stubbornly beat on, loud and determined, a wild animal caged in my ribs.

I raised my head, willed the world to still, and walked on.

Pixis was expecting me. He raised his head tiredly when the bar door opened and raised his whole body when he saw it was me.

"Eren," he greeted, with a ghost of a smile under the moustache that my mom used to tease. They had been friends too. Misery was selfish. It made you forget that it was not only your own.

"Hey," I said hoarsely, as if I had been crying. I hadn't cried, not yet. I sat myself down on the stool in front of him.

"You okay?" It was a laughable question but Pixis didn't ask it out of politeness or inconsideration. He was asking if I was as okay as I could be, today.

I nodded. "You?"

"Just another day, right, kid?" he said gently. He said this every year.

This year, instead of nodding and trying for a smile, as I usually did, I stilled, Pixis' affectionate nickname only reminding me of Levi.

He would have been a fool not to notice. "Something else is bothering you."

There was no judgement in his voice but I shook the statement off, stating simply, "It's not as important."

"Bullshit. It's bothering you, Eren, and you don't need that, at all, especially not today." He put a comforting hand on my shoulder and I raised my tired eyes to meet his. "Tell me."

I blurted out the first thing that wasn't Levi's name. "I don't think I can do the festival."

Pixis didn't seem surprised at that. He sighed and nodded, as if to tell me to elaborate even though there wasn't much else to say except, ever since the punishment had been forced upon me, my relationship with my remaining family was hitting the rocks and my thoughts were drowning.

I didn't mention The Corps involvement but I assumed Pixis knew enough. He didn't question my bruises, not even to scold me for them. Whatever my new friends said about me when they were around Pixis and I wasn't, it hadn't ruined anything with him, at the very least. It had even made things a little better.

My thoughts weren't overly bitter but I shook away any resentment. All of this mess, at the end of it all, was because of Sina Academy.

It pained me to admit that I didn't think I could beat them.

I relayed some of these thoughts to Pixis, not proud of the sadness in his eyes when I told him about my recent fights with Mikasa. Often, he looked over my shoulder but I didn't turn around. I had no fight in me to face Levi.

"Here, Eren." Pixis passed me a Coke before coming around from the counter to sit next to me. He leant his chin on clasped hands and talked to the ceiling. "You know, I remember the day you were born. I was on a date. She was a nice girl and she even drove me to the hospital herself. She married a guy off our school football team that me and your father _hated_."

When Pixis chuckled at the memory, I had to smile.

"I walked in when you were awake and your mom was holding you. God, Carla looked beat but she couldn't stop laughing and crying. Your dad wasn't any better. Grown men crying are never something anyone wants to see." He paused and grinned at me. "I cried when they told me you were my godson. I think, upon first sight – because you were blinking those massive orbs of yours at me like I was some sort of obnoxious headlight – you decided that my ugly crying just wouldn't do and you set to ruin my life ever since."

I laughed softly.

"Once coming down from the high of having a little critter" – Pixis fondly pulled my ear and a lump formed in my throat, remembering how my mother used to do the same thing – "your parents were worried. They were young and they had a baby. I'm pretty sure Grisha went out to buy nappies at one point and came home with sanitary towels."

"That sounds like something I would do," I murmured, disturbed at the prospect.

"Most definitely," Pixis agreed. I glared at him. "Anyway, what I'm saying is neither of them were ready. I don't think anyone is. Having kids – creating _lives_ – is terrifying. I don't suppose you'll know until you experience it yourself."

I planned to remind him that he didn't have kids himself but instead, I said, "Hey, who said anything about having kids?"

Pixis raised an eyebrow. "I said nothing about _having_ kids."

I blinked at the emphasis on the word and found that our train of thoughts were heading for the same destination. The significance of the day made the collision feel harder.

"You know?" I whispered.

Pixis' face was kind. "I've always known, Eren."

"How- how does that work? How did you know before I did?"

Then the kindness was gone, replaced with my godfather's usual mocking tone. "Because you're born with it, Eren."

"Yeah but you didn't exactly look down on my beautiful face at the hospital and pronounce me gay," I snapped before hesitating. "Wait, did you?"

"Eren." He looked exasperated. "It's no big deal. You're gay and I'm old. We deal with the hand we're served. I'm sure if anyone bothers you about it, you'll take that hand and break it – though I highly discourage any more violent outbursts, considering."

I wasn't sure what to say to that so I just said thank you.

He nodded. "You're welcome. Now, my point is: no one is born knowing what to do, in anything. Your parents didn't suddenly realise how to be good parents when you popped out. I wasn't a perfect brother as soon as he was born. There is no natural talent or magical epiphany for life. All we can do is try."

Pixis looked at me, with eyes that had lived so much joy and so much pain. The skin around them wrinkled, with grief and with happiness. I had lost my father but I was grateful for Pixis. I told him that. "Thank you, for being the best godfather an angry kid could have."

"Your punishment isn't easy, Eren. Life isn't easy," he said gently. He put a hand on my shoulder again. "But I have every faith in Carla and Grisha's son. They tried, for you. So try, Eren, for them."

It was surprisingly difficult to but I tried to concentrate on Pixis' faith in me rather than Mikasa's shame. But they were both family and they both reflected Mom and Dad, which could only mean that, as much faith as my parents would have in me, I had let them down.

Pixis squeezed my shoulder once more then stood up. "That's what love does, Eren. It gives you the strength to try."

"It's not that easy," I mouthed, turning away. My eyes naturally drifted to where The Corps sat. Levi's seat was empty.

"Try anyway," he told me.

When I looked back, I knew he had seen the way I stared at the absence of a grumpy lead singer that I somehow found myself caring about. Hanji had implied that Levi wasn't much like himself since our argument but Pixis' encouraging nod confirmed it.

Somehow, Levi and I weren't ourselves without each other.

I murmured a thank you that felt clumsy as it spilt from my lips. Pixis just watched me as I walked towards the door, moving as though slowed time was fighting a body that was desperate to be forward, be _anywhere_ but here.

Maybe Pixis thought that his words had inspired me and motivated me into moving but it was mostly desperation. Somewhere, in the twists and turns of the thoughts in my mind, I felt as though apologising Levi would make something – _anything_ – right. If nothing else, the least I could do was make sure letting down my sister and my parents wasn't completely in vain, that I wasn't just picking a beautiful boy above family because he was a beautiful boy but because he was right and Mikasa was wrong.

Mom always thought me that making the right decision wasn't always easy but it didn't matter as long as it was the right thing to do, just like love.

The world spun on and I staggered to not spin with it, as I burst out into the chilly open.

I expected to see a familiar figure breathing out death against the wall. I saw nothing except cracked bricks and an empty space where Levi was meant to be.

I managed two steps before the exertion of it all overcame me. I let my right shoulder lean against where Levi would stand. I closed my eyes, wondering how it would feel to lean against _him_.

My breathing remained loud and uneven. It took me far too long to realise that, that wasn't normal.

I gasped, leant my hands on my knees and tried to understand, think, _breathe_.

Panic attacks were storms. You could let yourself fear them, let them scare you into only _more_ panic, or you could steel yourself against them until they did their course.

Or you could uproot your home and leave for Hawaii.

I tipped dangerously, trying to grasp onto something to anchor myself. But Mom's voice was drowned in the storm, her body withering away into dust that only joined the tidal waves rising under my skin. Mikasa's voice told me to _breathe breathe breathe_ but it rose, yelling at me, asking me why I couldn't do it, why I couldn't do _anything_. My chest – my whole body – was tight, wound up, ready to curl up into a ball and hide under the bed until this nightmare passed. Fear only made panic stronger but fear was all I had, out in the open but so alone.

I didn't know if it was the fear or the panic that made my sense numb, maybe both. I barely felt Levi's hands, even as he was lifting me up. His hands were around my face but he could have been anywhere. The silence surrounding us was choking.

His skin was cool, cold in contrast to the heat contrasting to the metaphor of storms that hadn't happened in years. I tried to focus on his face but the world swam, as if it was drowning.

But I was the one choking. I was the one drowning.

Every time my eyes drifted away, Levi was pulling me, pushing me into the wall, until he was the only thing I could see. I tried to focus on something, his eyes, his hands, anything. My eyes found his lips and I watched them move, speaking, calmly, slowly.

 _He's saying my name_.

I spluttered and air found my lungs again, the world became loud again.

" _Eren_." I slumped against the wall and Levi let me, his hands releasing my face to press into my shoulders. His breathing was slightly hitched. "Eren. Fuck, Eren."

With shaky hands, I pressed them over his. "I'm okay," I whispered. It was only halfway the truth but that was better than nothing. I leant my head back and told myself to _breathe breathe breathe_. The voice sounded like Levi.

It was Levi.

"Keep breathing, brat," he said. "Don't stop on my account. _Breathe_."

I did.

He didn't stop talking though and I was thankful. He was solid, right in front of me, as the world tried to swim. Levi had become my anchor.

I breathed out. I looked at Levi to see him stare right back unflinchingly. The hands on my front curled into fists. He didn't say anything but I replied with, "I'm okay."

This time, it was the truth.

He must have saw that too because his hands weren't as gentle. I was confused as to why he would be pulling me into him until his arms wound around my waist. Levi was _hugging_ me.

"If you want me to sweep you off your feet, how about you fucking wait 'til I don't have to run halfway across the street to catch your sorry ass?" His question had no malice.

"I'm sorry," I said and I was – about everything.

"Shut up," he told me. I felt his hands fist around the back of my jacket. "Shut up."

"I'm shut."

" _Shut up_."

"Jesus, Levi." He winced at the sound of his name. "It was nothing. I just-"

"No. No, you piece of shit," he said, into my neck. "It wasn't _nothing_. You were fucking blacking out in the middle of the street. Do you have concussion or something? Is Mikasa not doing her job right?"

"She's still mad at me," I admitted.

"Still, I doubt she wants you to die, you God awful brat."

"I don't have a concussion."

"Tell that to the hospital."

"Wait, what? No!" I pushed myself out of his arms but I swayed and he had to hold me by my forearms to keep me standing. I felt cold sweat on the back of my neck. "I don't need the hospital."

"You were having a panic attack," he said. There was a worried impatience in his tone.

He didn't look any different today than any other day, except I was close enough to see the alarming smoothness of his pale skin. I didn't know Levi's age for definite but he was definitely in the lucky stage between past puberty and its erupting skin and before wrinkles began folding their creases.

Then I realised I was just stood there, squinting at his skin, and turned away.

"Not because I'm sick!" I insisted then grimaced at the sound of my voice. Not only was I too loud but I still sounded like I was going to cry.

Levi didn't comment on it. "Then what?"

I looked at him properly again. There was nothing in his eyes that gave me reason not to trust him. I sighed. "Okay but no hospital."

"No hospital," he agreed simply.

"Today-" I started, coughing to clear my throat. "Today is the anniversary of my mom's death."

"Kid." Levi was visibly uncomfortable and I hesitated, fearing he thought I was seeing our friendship more than it actually was. I tried not to remember how he reacted to Mikasa's suggestion of our relationship but the disgust was hard to forget.

But then he squeezed my arm that he still clutched, in a manner so similar yet so different from what Pixis had done earlier. His voice was gentle. "You don't have to tell me this."

I told him anyway, hurriedly trying to spill the words out just to get them out of me. "My dad died in a hit and run when me and Mikasa were eleven. He had a good job with decent pay and was saving up for our college funds but Mom was insistent in keeping the savings… well, _saved_. She had two jobs, sometimes even three, and got a sick a lot. But then she started getting sick. All of us thought- we thought that it was just any old regular sickness, from being surrounded by people for so many hours a day, for working into the night. By the time she contacted a doctor, her cancer had spread. Two years and strict expensive treatments she could only scrape to afford, it was terminal."

I laughed without humour, just so the air between us wasn't so empty. "I've never told anyone the truth out loud, that mom stopped treatments when she found out she was- there was no beating the cancer. People would say she was selfish for not trying for her kids, for giving up, but the money Dad saved was all we'd have left once she- she left. It wouldn't make things better but surviving would make things bearable, sometimes. She said she was going to die anyway. The only comfort she had was that she wouldn't leave us to die with her."

My lower lip trembled and I felt like a child. There was no judgement in Levi's eyes, only the kind of sadness that a friend can give in sympathy.

"We watched her die. We watched her wither away. We had to watch her eyes go dull with pain, to the point where she couldn't even open them to look at us. We could do nothing but sit and watch and God- _God_ , I try to remember the good things. The places she would take us on weekends before she got sick and how she would sing as she rocked us both to sleep. I try to bring the light back into her eyes. This is the one day I can't." The confession said out loud made me feel ill and I was panicked by the sickness and sickened by the panic. Levi's hands tightened and I looked at him with uncontrollable helplessness. "I can't stop thinking about the way she cried this day three years ago. The way she told us not to go, not to leave her, when she was the one leaving. I can't stop thinking about her dying, Levi. I can't-"

"Stop thinking." Levi folded me into his arms but I didn't cry. My body trembled, eyes wide as I remember all too vividly things, sounds, memories I wish my mind would forget, but my entire being was too panicked, too alive to cry. "It should be easy for you anyway, brat."

His joke forced out a short but genuine laugh. The sound was pressed against his shirt.

I couldn't stop thinking. I could only distract myself and the only distraction I had was Levi.

He smelled good. Aside from his grace (which was deadly, at the very least), there was nothing really stereotypically _girly_ about him but he smelled of soap and clean bed sheets. He wasn't messing around when he said cleaning was his thing. I smiled against his shoulder and wondered if he felt it.

It seemed appropriate that he didn't smell like _boy_ anyway. He was short, yes, but Levi was five foot three inches of pure man. His muscles were hard under his clothes. I flushed, remembered that noticing other guys was normal for me then flushed some more.

Levi felt like a league of his own and he probably liked it. Then I remembered how he told me he didn't like cleaning. Maybe he felt the same way about being so isolated. Maybe he felt like he had to be.

He spoke suddenly and I almost jumped, which would have resulted in the top of my head crashing into his chin and ruining the moment terribly. He asked quietly, "Do you visit her grave? Or was she cremated?"

"Graves. Both of them."

"With Mikasa?"

"She doesn't…" I trailed off. "She has her reasons for not going."

"Everyone does," he said, with no judgement, and I wondered if he'd ever lost someone.

I didn't get to think beyond that. With one hand around my wrist, he pulled back from the embrace abruptly. I felt my face heat up further when he stared at me but he revealed no expression.

No, that was a lie. There was gentleness in his touch, softness in his gaze. Subtle but definite.

"Come on," he said, with a tug.

I didn't have much say in the matter. He turned us away from the bar. "Wait, where are we going?"

"Do you know the directions to the cemetery?"

I stopped. He had to the power to drag me along anyway but he paused too, leaving our awkwardly joined hands between us. I tried not to think about them too hard but I stared at them. When Levi loosened his grip, I tightened mine. He didn't force me to let go.

"You don't have to do this," I said quietly.

He shrugged. "No but you do."

"I'd rather-"

"I'm nothing but a taxi there, kid," he interrupted smoothly. "I won't even get out the car. Hell, I'll drive around until you've done what needs to be done."

I couldn't work out what the meaning was behind his words. What ulterior motive could Levi have to take me to the cemetery?

Thoughts of him forcing me to join the dead were a far cry now. Levi the Psychopath was replaced with Levi the Friend.

Levi rolled his eyes at my absent-minded staring. "Now, do you know the way to the cemetery?"

I nodded and he almost smiled, like my mute surprise was worth the effort of his mouth muscles.

"Come on then."

We were silent as we walked to his car and then equally as quiet as he drove until I had to tell him directions. It occurred to me that Levi didn't know the town as well as I originally thought. I wanted to ask what part of the city he lived in but I wasn't sure how personal our friendship was.

 _Aside from the hugging, of course. Levi hugged me. Levi_ hugs _. What the hell?_

It wasn't until he pulled up outside the cemetery that I realised that he was a successful distraction. I was so focused on the fact that he had touched me _affectionately_ that I was surprised when he stopped the car and looked back at me.

"Is there something on my face, brat?" he said, with mild irritation.

I shook my head and turned away, hoping the embarrassment wasn't too obvious. From Levi's raised eyebrows, I guessed that it was.

"We're here," he said, when I didn't move.

I swallowed. "I know."

I was back to feeling sick. Usually, I prepared myself for the names on the graves and the flowers I couldn't ever afford. This time, I had been thrown into the situation with no warning. Maybe if Levi hadn't been there, I would have had another panic attack. But if Levi wasn't here then I wouldn't be here either.

Levi had bought me here because he thought I had to do this.

And, after he snapped me out of a panic attack, I trusted him.

I glanced over to see him fiddling with his car keys. He didn't tell me to move or get out. He just waited. When he looked up at me, his eyes said: _ready?_

Levi really didn't seem like the kinda guy anyone was ready for.

I slowly nodded. As long as I let him be my distraction, my anchor, I could do this.

"Where do you want me?" Levi's tone wasn't suggestive at all but I had to rub my sweaty hands over my jeans. I blamed it on my nerves. I really didn't want to face that line of thought in relation to Levi after being hugged so tight I could feel the planes of his muscles pressed against mine and-

_Snap out of it, Eren, you sicko. You're outside a graveyard._

Of course, that train of thought crashed too. I was trying everything I could to not think about those who were buried in the cemetery. My next exhale was shaky.

"Hey." I heard the sound of a released seatbelt and then Levi leant over to tap my face lightly. "Don't freak out."

"I'm not freaking out."

"You are."

"Would you prefer if I cried?" I snapped.

He raised his eyebrows. "That would be freaking out."

I exhaled again, extending my open hands out as if any anxiousness would seep from my body through my fingertips. Then I apologised. "I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't get mad at you."

Levi just shrugged. "I think you're mad at the world in general. Go on."

"I'm not going to get any closure from this, you know?" I reminded him as I reached to open the car door.

"Death has no closure, not until you're dead yourself. And who knows? Maybe there's no closure then either."

I blinked at him. "You're optimistic."

Levi just stared back. "You're stalling. Go."

He was right. I was stalling.

Going out there meant facing my fears. Staying in here meant Levi and I didn't know what Levi meant exactly but...

I wanted to be around Levi. It was as simple as that.

"Do I have to hold your hand?" he asked wryly. I must have looked horrified because he sighed. "Eren, seriously, do you want me to go out there with you?"

We locked eyes. He inclined his head.

Then I said, with a forced smile, "Do you want to meet my parents?"

After a surprisingly long hesitation, Levi nodded again. It was the first time I'd seen Levi look truly unsure.

He let me lead the way. The world wasn't spinning, wasn't too quiet or too loud. I guessed it was because of Levi, close behind me, with quieter footfalls but larger presence.

 _Not literally. He's still barely over five foot_.

I felt mean for smiling at the thought and guilty when Levi nudged me. Smiling in a graveyard wasn't the best of combinations but every time he crossed my mind, I forgot about where we were, what today was and how the only reason he was here was because he felt bad for me.

That was an even meaner thought. It felt like something my sister would say.

I stopped in front of two familiar graves, devoid of flowers or decoration. Levi stilled beside me. He said nothing as I slid to my knees in front of a stone carved with: _Carla Jaeger_. _Loving mother and treasured wife._ I stared at the date with hollowness.

Three years passed so slowly and so quickly without her.

"I miss her," I said. I didn't talk to her. I didn't address my mom as if she was alive, listening to me cry over a block of stone. I talked to Levi instead because at least he was able to listen. "I don't know. I just miss her."

Levi squatted beside me but I didn't look at him as I spoke. I was afraid of Levi having the same reaction as the slab of rock did to my words (which was no reaction.) It would be easier to express hurt to an object that you couldn't expect to hug you. Again.

"Mom used to take me to- to the Colossal Remains on the edge of the city," I said, with a small smile. "When I was a kid, I didn't understand why every fight with some stuck up private school kid resulted in her driving for forty five minutes to a few bricks. She used to tell me the history every time – _every God damn time –_ and, man, I hated it. I used to kick it sometimes to get my frustration out. It took me years to figure out what she was talking about. She would say that people and places make walls to hide from what they don't want to face. The Colossal Remains are a sign that walls can be taken down."

"All those years ago, Trost made peace with its surrounding towns and there was no need for a big ass wall to hide them from the world," Levi murmured. "What was your wall?"

"My whole existence." I shook my head. "My uselessness, I guess."

Levi's elbow knocked my side. "Since when were you useless, brat?"

"Since I couldn't even make my sister dinner without endangering the whole block of flats," I snapped, irritated enough to look at him. When he opened his mouth, I cut him off with, "Don't mention dinner. In fact, forget food. Mikasa isn't even talking to me. Tell me I'm not useless when-"

"When you make some of your own friends and she doesn't cause a scene?" he asked softly. "When she's a better sister than we are friends and, let's be real here, Jaeger, we're _shit_ friends."

"That's not true." I looked back at my mother's name, more to avoid looking at Levi than anything. There was only so much awkward eye contact a person could take.

Instead of replying to what I said, Levi said, "You didn't finish your story. About your mom and the wall."

"Oh, yeah." I ran a hand through my hair. "Well, there isn't much else to say except the walls are still there. I still fuck up everything. The festival feels like it's good for nothing but ruining what family I have left and-"

"It's helped you make new friends."

"Why are you so obsessed with our friendship?"

"For Hanji's sake," he said flatly. "If she heard you talk shit about the enthusiasm she wastes on your sorry ass, she would cry. No one wants to see Hanji cry. _No one_."

I ignored him. "Mom always said that money didn't matter when judging a person. No one should ever judge you because your pockets are empty. And that's all those Sina bastards do."

"We're in a graveyard. Stop swearing, you little shit."

"You just…" I trailed off, knowing arguing with Levi about his hypocrisy was a lost cause.

Neither of us spoke then Levi suddenly asked, "Do you think they would have liked me?"

I did a double take. "You actually care about parent impressions?"

"I care about the things that the people I care about care about." _I care about you_. "Like Hanji and her art. Like Mike and his scheduled need for coffee. Like Irvin and his-"

"Sister." It didn't sound like an accusation.

"No." He shook his head, this time him being the one to avoid my eyes. "I care about Petra and through her, I care about her job and her dancing and whether Irvin is spitting chores with her like he should." I chuckled under my breath and Levi looked at me with eyes that said his apology. "I never wanted to hurt her."

"I know. I'm sorry," I said, feeling foolish remembering my behaviour after finding out about Petra's crush and Levi's care for the girl. A part of me was still jealous.

I didn't want to think about why, not right now.

"You know, no one believes a performer who says they've got stage fright. It's illogical. Why would someone who lives on stage be afraid of their home?" Levi's tone was faraway but his eyes were solidly on me. "But no one understands better than a performer the feeling of going on that stage, in front of people you can and cannot see. I envied Petra for a long time. She loved the stage while I simply lived for it, longed for it to not hate me. Every time I go on it, I want to go off. Every time I'm off it, I want to go on. Music is one thing, pre-show nerves are another."

Every word he said made him feel more and more human. "So when Petra confessed her attraction to me – me who did nothing but skip school and break guitar strings – I was afraid, not only of answering her, but of the stage she stood so proudly on. And when the whole hall started chanting my name, I knew I couldn't go up there. She was my best friend's little sister. She was _my_ little sister. The thought of pretending for all those faces we didn't know made me sicker than the stage. So I left. It was selfish and it hurt her but pretending is a trap."

"Was that your wall?" I blurted out. "Pretending?"

"No, I'm pretty useless too." He shook his head when I opened my mouth and gestured towards the graves. "So, what would they think of me?"

Something about the care that Levi possessed, after spending so long posing as the ultimate dark, moody rockstar, made my throat tighten. _He's trying to make me feel better. He's trying_.

I looked back at the graves. _Grisha Jaeger. Carly Jaeger._ "They would have loved you. She would have loved you a lot."

I saw his face soften and he reached out in the small gap between us to squeeze my hand. He saw my tears before I felt them. He kept hold of my hand as I let my forehead touch the ground in front of my mother's gravestone. Finally, I was crying.

I didn't just cry because Mom and Dad were gone. I cried because Mikasa wouldn't talk to me and Armin felt so far and my grades still sucked. I cried because Pixis had nothing but his bar. I cried because I was stuck with this festival and all it had done was make things worse.

I lifted my head, eyes blurring the world and drowning it for real, but he caught me before I moved anywhere but into him. I imagined him cringing at the idea of my snot on his shirt but he said nothing.

Levi held me and rocked me as I cried for him and how I didn't feel guilty about being happy that he was here, when no one else was.

*

Petra's room was expected off a teenage girl who enjoyed ballet and worked at a cute bakery. It was pink, not overwhelmingly so, but resembled something out of a rom-com, with too many stuffed animals not thrown out and a scary amount of glittery make up littering the desk.

I was forced to spend three hours in it.

I had told Levi that I wouldn't let Hanji dress me up for my first club experience but when Petra showed up at the bar on Saturday morning, with a box of cakes (the same ones I planned to get for Hanji the day I met Petra but lost during the fight), an agreement to dance at the festival with Marco on violin and a smile full of optimism, I could only stare back helplessly at Levi as the two ladies dragged me towards Petra's mini. Levi didn't even try to help, his mouth twitching into a smirk that said he was looking forward to my torture.

In their defence, Petra was incredibly gentle and Hanji's artist eye made her fashion sense admirable.

But, God, did she love leather.

I chanted: _for the festival, for Marco_ as Petra blow dried my hair, styling it skilfully as she explained what she was planning and Hanji marched into the room with an armful of shopping bags. She dumped them chaotically on Petra's made up bed, causing the smaller girl to yelp and turn her hairdryer on Hanji. It wasn't much of an attack but it made Hanji laugh, which got Petra laughing, which got me laughing before Petra glanced at my hair, yelped again and hurried back to fix whatever was wrong. I wasn't allowed to look in the large dressing table mirror behind me so, during my three hour makeover, I stared at Petra's toy collection, even going as far as to name them. I blamed the hairspray fumes.

It was only much later that I realised that Hanji's bags were full of boy clothes for me.

"Hanji! Please tell me you stole all this from Levi's wardrobe."

Hanji pushed her glasses further up her nose. "No. Why would I steal from Levi? I don't want to die."

"There must be dozens of outfits in there!"

Hanji didn't understand my exasperation. "Less than a dozen. About nine but you can mix and match."

Petra smiled understandingly and patted my shoulder, murmuring, "It's okay, Eren. They're from me."

I blinked up at her. " _What?_ "

"To say thank you for when we met," she whispered, with a kind smile. "I wouldn't be here, part of my friends again, without you, Eren."

Sentiment aside, I couldn't help but exclaim, "So, _what_? You bought me a shop?"

They laughed at that as I grumbled about rich people.

As Petra worked, brow furrowed in concentration, Hanji bounded over and peered from above Petra's shoulder. She shook her head and said, "Too slick. He hasn't got the undercut thing going on or it would work."

"You are _not_ giving me an undercut," I warned.

Hanji pouted but then added, in a serious tone, "Really, Petra, don't make it look like he's trying too hard. Wash it out and blow dry it out messy" - I groaned at that - " We can give him the 'doesn't give a fuck angry punk kid' look. You know, like Levi, except rough around the edges. Less clean cut. We'll make Eren look like he's naturally a walking sex bomb."

"Is that even possible?" I asked.

Petra shushed me and sent me back into her en suite for take two of hair styling. Eventually, they perfected the right kind of messy, which I didn't know what possible. When I turned to assess Petra's handiwork, her delicate hand stopped me.

Initially, I shook my head at the eyeliner pencil but Hanji insisted it was part of the look. It didn't help that none of The Corps wore eyeliner but both women assured me that Levi would if his eyes didn't radiate the dark lord Satan anyway and, if I really hated it, I could take it off. Pathetically, I allowed the eyeliner but I drew the line at any glitter. I wasn't going to fall into that stereotype anytime soon.

Once the fear of Hanji bumping into Petra and her stabbing me in the eyes was gone, I turned to see what state my face was in. I wasn't quick enough and Hanji pulled me towards the many outfits she had set out.

Again, it felt like a movie. They threw outfits at me, not giving me any time to feel shy or embarrassed as I stripped down in my underwear and into skinny jeans, stripy leggings, leather waistcoats with nothing underneath and band t-shirts that made me think of Jean, who would scoff at those wore merch for bands they didn't listen to.

I was expected to keep all the purchases. I wasn't sure how I could explain all my new clothes to Mikasa but it wasn't like I was on explaining terms with her anyway.

Eventually, they stopped me to walk around the 17th combination. The leather pants I swore not to wear fit snugly, paired with a ripped black T-shirt that I first thought of as damaged stock. It hung awkwardly off my shoulder but Hanji slapped my hand away when I tried to shift it up, saying my collarbones were too fantastic to hide. Above it, I wore a pale blue denim jacket, a couple of shades lighter than the one I saw Levi wore once.

When they smiled at each other in approval, I sighed with relief, turning for the mirror, only to be stopped yet again by Petra holding one of the new pair of shoes.

I stared between the metal tipped boots and the smiling girl holding them. She just smiled further at my disbelief and said, "You can get some really nasty creeps at places like that. Just a precaution."

"Wish I had these boots last week," I muttered, as I pulled them on. Petra didn't stop smiling.

Once I got to my feet (aware that my new boots would give me blisters by the end of the night), I looked expectedly at my two friends, who had bought me a whole wardrobe for one night out and spent an hour and a half trying to give me the perfect bed head.

Petra and Hanji grinned as they stepped away from the mirror and I marched up to it.

My appearance was the closest I got to the whole "new me" thing. Everything about me looked defined, every strand of hair mussed up on my head and every fleck of colour in my eyes, highlighted by the dark outline they were trapped within. Even the shape of my face, the sweep of my neck and the indent of my revealed collarbone made me feel like I was looking into a mirror that showed an alternative universe. Paired with the tight but admittedly attractive pants, baggy t-shirt, denim jacket and ass kicking boots, I not only looked but felt... cool.

I looked like I belonged with The Corps.

"Jesus," I breathed. "How many dollars do I look, Hanji?"

"Officially? 100," she answered. I could see her through the mirror's reflection, smiling proudly at her choices. "Unofficially? Millions, Eren."

The t-shirt I wore was long enough to conceal my crotch under the skin tight material but I still pulled at the material as I turned. As badass as it all felt, I was still out of my element. It would take some getting used to being out of jeans and hoodies or my school uniform.

I thought back to when Levi called me cute in my uniform, so long ago, and couldn't help but flush a little at the memory. I looked down so Hanji and Petra couldn't spot my red face. What the hell would Levi say to me in this whole outfit?

 _Think of the devil and it shall appear_.

A knock made us all stop. "Are you shitheads done torturing the kid?"

"Punctual, as always," Petra murmured before answering Levi with a smile he couldn't even see and, "Yep, we're done."

Hanji seemed to disagree. As the door handle turned and I slid behind Petra's petite form, Hanji was across the room in a flash, her back pressing the door shut before it even opened whilst yelling, "Wait, wait, wait, wait!"

"What the fuck, Hanji? Open the damn door," Levi yelled, hitting it a few times for good measure. Hanji jumped every time Levi's hand struck the wood directly between him and her head.

"What now?" I asked Petra warily.

"Nothing," she replied, squeezing my arm. "We just think you deserved a proper introduction."

"Oh, no-"

"Eren, don't say that word," Hanji snapped, now kicking the door back at Levi, who swore furiously at her stubbornness.

I raised my palms up. "Sorry, Hanji."

"Are Mike and Irvin out there, Levi?" Petra asked, over the cursing and door hitting.

"Ready for Queen Jaeger as soon as you are," Mike called back. I was already regretting the eyeliner. I was the laughing stock of my old friends and I didn't want to be the one with my new ones either. Not to mention, The Corps were actually _cool_. Jean was a loser. I could laugh back at him.

"Petra, I really don't think this is a good idea-" I said, as Hanji grabbed the handle and went as far as to place her _feet_ on the _door_. _How does she dress herself on a morning?_

"It'll be fine," Petra assured me, leaning her head in close. "Levi will love this."

I felt the blood rush to my face. I shook it, both to get rid of the colour and to deny what she was saying which was what I was denying myself from thinking for the past two days.

Instead of letting me prove that I didn't actually care if Levi didn't like my collarbones or whatever, Petra announced, "Drum roll please, Hanji!" and pulled my towards the door as Hanji did what was asked against the wall.

"Presenting the new member of The Corps, Eren Jaeger!"

Petra opened the door with flourish, cheering alongside Hanji, and I wished for the ground to swallow me up because Levi, Irvin and Mike were all stood in a horizontal line in the hallway (it was a big hallway) and now staring at me in surprise.

 _Ground, please swallow me up and lava, please engulf me until I'm nothing more than particles that lay home in your fiery pits of hell. I'm already halfway there. I can take the heat_.

I couldn't take the male members of The Corps eyeing me up like I was a car for sale.

At least, I didn't look like a banger.

 _My thoughts need to shut up_.

"Shit, you guys did _good_ ," Mike said, after whistling in appreciation. I laughed, still embarrassed, but was thankful for his open kindness. He grinned back at me.

Irvin didn't hide the fact that he was impressed, though he raised his eyebrows when his eyes surveyed my legs. "Are those leather pants?"

"He looks better in them than you do, Irvin," Petra scoffed.

"Debatable." Irvin winked at me and I figured his approval meant I had a semi-successful shot in modelling. "At least, there's less chance of you being turned away from the place. Looking good, Eren."

"Yeah, but what kind of a name is The Foxy?" I demanded, avoiding Levi's eyes. He was the only one of the trio that hadn't spoken yet and it didn't look like he would be commenting on the fabric of my pants anytime soon.

Irvin and Mike looked at each other then at Levi. Irvin said, "You didn't tell him?"

I opened my mouth to ask whilst Levi kept his closed in answer but Hanji clapped her hands to draw our attention. "Anyway, we need to get going. Let's do this!"

No one could argue with Hanji, especially not the boy who had let her fashion advice force him into too tight pants.

She hugged Petra in goodbye then grabbed Mike, bouncing about in excitement. Irvin told Hanji to calm down and Levi kept his eyes on me. I turned to thank Petra instead of responding to his silence.

"Don't mention it, Eren," she said, with her trademark smile. I smiled back and she pulled me into a friendly hug. "Good luck tonight."

"You sure you can't come?" I asked, as we separated.

Petra shook her head. "Nah. I've got another recital practice. You'll do great, Eren."

I nodded but I couldn't deny that my stomach was in knots and my palms were feeling slick. I turned towards The Corps to find Irvin raising an eyebrow at his sister, who responded with a knowing lock. I felt vulnerable in between them but Levi wasn't exactly welcoming, with his dark expression and impatient stance. "You brats done being touchy-feely?"

"Aw, Levi," Hanji simpered, "do you feel left out?"

"Touch me, Hanji, and I'll break your glasses."

"Rude."

"Shitty four-eyes." He turned away towards the door. "Let's get out of here."

 _And he didn't say anything about my transformation. That make-over stuff only works in the movies_.

My thoughts suggested that I wanted that cliché shit to work and that was concerning. I said goodbye to Petra and focused on following The Corps towards our exit without knocking the back of anyone's feet with my new boots. That would go down a treat.

Before I even descended a step, a hand caught the back of my new jacket. "Brat."

"Hey, careful. Petra bought-"

"You a whole shop." He used his grip to turn me so I was facing him. We were close and I tried to calm myself down by reminding myself that I had been closer. It didn't help. "I'm aware."

His dry tone was relatable. "I said that!"

"They're loaded. Money no object."

"I wish I shared their viewpoint," I muttered, trying to shrug out of his hands. I realised too late that little comments like that wouldn't go amiss. Levi knew now.

"This is out of the kindness of her heart, of course." He rolled his eyes at his own observation. "Don't see it negatively. Generalising can get you into some shit. Now, take this off."

"What?" I blinked, confused as to why he was shaking my denim jacket.

He sighed and used his other hand to push it down my shoulders and off my arms. He was surprisingly smooth, as if he undressed confused teenage boys often.

 _Definitely_ not _what you need to be thinking about right now, Jaeger_.

Levi walked past Petra's room, leaving me to call after him. "What are you doing?"

It took me a minute to make up my mind if I should follow him or not but he was done by then, my jacket still on his arm. He threw it in my face and I wasn't quick enough to catch it before it hit home.

"Hey! Don't…" I trailed off, noticing what Levi had done.

On the left pocket of the jacket, over the heart, a patch was ironed on. The black and white wings on a green background reminded me of Petra's storytelling and Hanji's art. _Wings of Freedom. Everyone has wings; it just takes strength to spread them, despite the storm. And it takes determination and passion to fly_.

The Wings of Freedom, The Corps' unofficial but only logo, was on my jacket.

 _I'm part of The Corps_.

"Levi…" I started.

"Don't get sentimental on me, you shit." But his voice is quiet and his eyes are kind – or at least, kinder than Levi's had ever been. "You're one of us. You may as well look it."

"Didn't I look it anyway?" I asked absentmindedly as I pulled on the jacket again, running my finger over the patch and it's carefully stitched threads.

"Oh, you look it."

I raised my head to find Levi's eyes travelling the length of me leisurely. My toes curled in my new boots. Levi himself looked even better than usual. Hanji was right about him being clean cut, with his hair neat and his white shirt and black jeans number fitting him snugly. He had a white cravat around his neck, just like the first time we met. His approval, as subtle as it was, meant a lot, partly because he was one of the most attractive guys I'd ever seen.

_There. I admitted. Happy now, Petra? Satisfied, Mikasa? I think Levi, once known as a potential psychopath, is hot. Hot and straight and barely a friend, at the best of times, but still hot._

"The patch is your connect to us and a precaution," he told me, "in case you get lost and they think you're another hot fuck wet for some rich semi-famous dick so they won't let you to us." It wasn't a true conversation between the two of us without me questioning whether he was complimenting or insulting me. This time, the question was especially interesting: _did Levi just call me a hot fuck?_

He looked like a pretty hot fuck himself when his mouth ran like that. I tried not to stare at it. I swallowed and asked, "Like a dog collar?"

"Not unless you want to consider half the club condones bestiality. You're probably going to attract some attention tonight, brat, so be prepared. If anyone bothers you, use our names as knights in shining armour. Give 'em a face full of the patch if they don't believe you."

"Already got that part covered." I lifted my leg in pride to show my metal-tipped boots.

Levi barely looked at them and focused on me until my smile dropped. Then he said, "I may be overestimating you. They'll probably back off when they take a good look at those virgin eyes of yours."

Unsurprisingly, I blushed and, surprisingly, Levi smiled (kinda.) "I take it back. They'll be on you like a pack of dogs _especially_ when they take a real good look at those virgin eyes of yours."

He didn't say a word as he walked around me and down the stairs. I had no choice but to follow him out of the swanky Smith-Ral household and into his car, where the rest of The Corps were waiting with anticipated grins. As I slid in beside Hanji, she waggled her eyebrows at me. I raised mine back at her and we laughed until Levi told us to shut the fuck up because he was driving.

We only laughed more until Mike and Irvin joined in and Levi deliberately almost crashed the car. But that was his loss because we didn't stop.

I was sure I saw him smile as he parked up, whilst the rest of us were still chuckling weakly at nothing, but this was _Levi_. Levi didn't smile.

_Or hug._

_Or tell you you're a hot fuck._

I was thankful to get out of the car. The confined space was making my brain think too much.

It was still light out but Hanji explained that they needed to talk to the owner of the club. I didn't press why. I was more concerned about the two big guys stood outside a large building with a bright pink neon sign titling it _The Foxy_ , complete with a neon fox head that had curled eyelashes and sultry pouting lips.

"Irvin Smith?" the muscular blonde boy hollered, with cheer.

"Gentleman," Irvin said, nodding at them both. He shook hands with them both and even got a clap on the back from the bulky blonde that was called Reiner. The other boy, Bert, seemed a little more nervous, eyes darting between his colleague and everyone stood behind Irvin (us.)

It didn't take long for Reiner to notice too. His eyes narrowed on Levi, who glared back with a fierceness that made up for the ridiculous height difference between them all. Hanji didn't even step forward but instead, linked her arm through mine and leaned in close to whisper, "Consider this a band rivalry, although Levi is the only one with a problem. Reiner and Bert are in a band. They're not too bad actually."

"Levi," Reiner said coolly. "Back so soon?"

"It's the last Saturday of the month," Levi said, as if it meant something. It did to everyone else.

"And I've heard from upstairs that you guys picked a new place."

"To buy booze and coffee, not entertain, you fucking jokes. Let us in."

Bert appeared to break a sweat at Levi's demand. "Guys-"

His friend broke him off with a dark chuckle. "Still as uncharismatic as ever. We have orders to let no one in."

Irvin smiled. "We need to see your boss. Now, I know you both love your jobs but-"

Levi snorted at Irvin's calmness. "You're both fucking minors. Get out of the way."

"Minors?" I echoed, blinking at the two boys who looked everything like I imagined bouncers to look (except Bert was _really_ visibly nervous.)

It was the wrong thing to do. The two strangers noticed me.

"New friend, Levi?" Reiner smirked.

Levi didn't waste any time and pulled me to his side, glaring at them both with _protectiveness_? Or maybe just plain old hatred? It was hard to tell with Levi.

"Lead the way, Irvin." Irvin does as told, easily sliding past the two boys with ease. They let Mike and Hanji follow.

But Levi paused to fix Reiner with a forbidding look. "Kid here is one of us. Anything happens to him tonight and I will personally come and break your legs. Four legs altogether. Got it, big guy?"

Bert looked almost _green_. _Poor guy_. Reiner just smiled thinly and said, "We treat our customers with utmost respect. Boss will be down to see you."

"Have a great night, boys!" Hanji yelled back, before letting the club door close behind us.

I ignored the settings around me to turn towards Levi. "Minors as guards? What the hell is this place?"

"Don't worry, Eren," Irvin said. "We don't partake in the drug trade."

"There's a drug trade in here?" I exclaimed.

"Probably," Levi says darkly.

"That's doesn't make me feel any better!"

"Relax." Levi pulled me towards the bar area and pushed me to sit down on a stool. He leant down so we were eye level, which didn't involve enough leaning but I didn't mention that fact because I didn't want to die. "We'll be back soon so stay put. And don't talk to anyone."

"There's no one here to talk to!" That was, technically, a lie. The bartender, a girl with blonde hair pulled back in a bun and an indifferent expression that could rival Levi's, was polishing glasses at the other end of the bar and a few guys were floating about. I wondered how they got in but it wasn't like anyone was near enough for me to ask. Besides, that would be going against Levi's will.

"I don't fucking care," he snapped. "Don't talk to anybody. Just keep your mouth shut and wait. You hear me?"

I nodded, in silence. Levi didn't look like he believed me but he sighed and joined his friends, probably to go find the boss they needed to talk to so urgently. I tried not to make my thoughts too bitter about being left out but… _so much for being the new member of The Corps_.

Then I reminded myself that if the boss saw me, he'd see I was underage for sure. I ducked my head as I leant on the bar counter for good measure.

Two minutes later, I heard a, "Hey."

I looked up to find some guy blocking the nearest pink light. Levi's warning was still fresh in my mind but I dismissed it. A hello couldn't hurt. "Hi."

"Haven't seen you around before," the stranger said, sitting down on the seat next to me.

"Uh, not usually my scene," I admitted. The guy wasn't too old looking nor was he uneasy on the eyes. He was tall, skinny, with brown hair, brown eyes and a grubby t-shirt that wouldn't sit well with Levi.

"Oh. I can relate. These places can get… overwhelming." His smile was nice enough. His teeth were probably the nicest part of him.

I laughed. "Tell me about it."

"Well, I know how the first experience feels and it would be great if I had someone to guide me around back then."

"I do have guides, I guess. I have friends here-"

"Yeah but they've ditched you now."

I frowned. "They didn't ditch me."

"Whatever." He shrugged tensely. "All I'm sayin' is I'd be happy to show you about."

"It's a _club_. What exactly is there to see?" It wasn't entirely a rhetorical question.

It was probably the weird lighting but I was sure I saw his eyes _glitter_. I didn't even know eyes _could_ glitter. "You're gonna love it. Hey! Over here! I want a drink."

The blonde girl walked over like she had all the time in the world. The guy glared at her but didn't comment, just simply ordered. "One Margarita for me and one of 'The Slippy' for my friend over here."

"I don't want a drink," I said quickly, as Annie moved away to fix his order. "I'm not getting drunk tonight."

"Come on. It's free." The guy smiled again. "Just one."

I bit my lip worriedly. Levi would smell the alcohol on me from across the room. But it wasn't easy saying no to pushy people.

The bartender headed back with the drinks in hand, still expressionless. The pink beverage was out of my hands as soon as it was in it.

I didn't realise Levi had shown up until he slammed my drink down and turned towards the guy next to me with a glare that could scare anyone out of their chair. "You. Move. And if I see you talking to him again, I'll break your fingers, you disgusting shit. _Scram_."

Nice-teeth guy didn't need to be told twice. He scrammed, hiding into the crowds of people now being let into the club.

I gulped but Levi wasn't looking at me yet. His fists were clenched and placed on the counter. Through the lighting, I could see a vein pulsing in the side of his head. _Uh-oh._

"Eren," he said.

"Yes?" It came out more of a squeak.

"What is it about you that makes me feel like, sometimes," he said, his voice rising in volume as he spoke, "I'm talking to a fucking _wall_?"

It could have been coincidental but yesterday's encounter was still fresh in my mind, despite how hard I tried to repress it. His choice of words felt like a dig.

My hurt must have been obvious because Levi loosened in his stance, even going as far to look apologetic. But that was the thing about Levi: he never apologised. He was too stubborn.

He turned to the bartender instead. "What was the drink he ordered?"

"'The Slippy,'" she replied from the distance where she stood, her voice in monotone.

"Fuck." He pushed the glass towards her on the counter. "Get rid of this shit. And you…"

I decided to give him the honour of me glaring back at him this time but Levi wasn't at all impressed. He was the king of negative looks, after all. "Stop being so damn gullible," he growled, which definitely wasn't the apology I was hoping for. "It's bad enough you look like a rosy-cheeked child but at least act like you're not one, for your ass' sake."

He marched off and I deflated with a sigh. It took me a moment to realise the blonde girl was now in front of me, holding the drink that I didn't understand. She didn't hide the fact that she was watching my reaction.

"Don't," I said, giving her a hard look. "Don't tell me to not take that personally."

She shrugged and turned away to dispose the drink. "Actually, you should. He's looking out for you."

"What was the drink anyway?"

"Not a good one." Her lips turned up in a small smile "Lucky for you, I know a creep and a virgin when I see one. It was ninety per cent soda and ten per cent earth-shattering alcohol."

"You're calling me a creepy virgin?" I demanded.

"No, I was talking about that guy." I knew she wasn't referring to Levi. He was neither creepy nor virgin.

_Jesus, Jaeger. Head out of the gutter._

"What does that have to do with my sex life?" I asked, dropping my chin to the counter.

Annie stared at me. "God, he was right. Gullible is an understatement."

"Yeah, yeah, if you're done insulting me, I'm Eren Jaeger."

"We're on last name basis? Annie Leonhardt."

"Are you another minor working here?" I asked before I could stop myself.

"It's not some kind of underage trade, don't worry. My dad owns this place. Some friends work here part time. The key to looking older is thinking that you are."

"Well, I'm still seventeen and confused."

"Confused? About what?"

"This place."

I finally took a look around. It was dark, with coloured lights, and a dance floor that had a few tiles that lit up neon pink. There was a stage, where a girl Goth band was setting up, but there wasn't anything or anyone that really caught my eye. It wasn't as exciting as I expected to be but the night was young and I trusted The Corps.

Even when they left me with a bartender that could be the blonde, female version of Levi. Except a little nicer.

"You're in for a hell of a night then, Eren Jaeger. I better get back to work." She nodded at me. "Good luck."

That suggested that I needed it. Maybe The Foxy would surprise me.

None of The Corps came to find me and I couldn't see them, in the steady increase of people flowing into the building. Loud music resonated from every angle and the bar was beginning to get busy so I hopped off my stool to go search for Hanji, Mike or even Irvin. Levi felt like a lost cause tonight.

Unfortunately, the crowds were merciless and once you were in, it was hard to get out. Despite the fact that I couldn't breathe and most people were already roaring drunk and their breath was stinking up my lungs, it wasn't so bad. I just had to jump at the right times and mind the hands touching my butt and sometimes my front. The leather was a really bad idea.

I found myself between two giggling boys that I identified as twins, identical in their matching clothes. The only difference was their neon face paint, one wearing green and the other wearing orange. It was the second time, Levi crashed the party involving me and some guy (in this case, _guys_.)

Levi managed to pull me away from the twins and out of the crowd. I stopped to yell at him for interrupting yet again but he was resilient in pushing me away from the main floor, past the bar and into a door that led to a mini bathroom of sorts.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, jumping away from the couple that had a similar reaction to each other upon noticing us.

Levi didn't even blink. "Out."

There was no arguing with the guy. I didn't realise it was two boys we interrupted until the door closed. Levi locked the door then went to the sink.

"Did you just interrupt someone's making out session?" I yelled, losing my patience. I couldn't just stand by and watch him wash his hands like nothing had happened.

He didn't even look at me. "If you genuinely believe that all they were doing were kissing then, I swear to _God_ , Jaeger-"

"That was rude of you!"

"It's rude for them to kiss in public toilets! What if someone needs a shit?" He turned off the tap and used a paper towel to dry his hands rather than the hand dryer. He didn't look like he expected a response for his question and I didn't have one.

"Why have you brought me here?" I asked eventually.

"To make you watch me pee. Jesus, you're a magnet for trouble."

"I wasn't in trouble. I was _dancing_."

"You call that shit dancing?" Levi snorted. "All I saw was a glittery threesome."

I muttered Hanji's least favourite word after, 'no' and Levi's other favourite under my breathe. He rolled his eyes at my embarrassment and said, "Anyway, I came in here to get some fresh air before I perform."

That got my attention. "You're performing?"

"After long negotiations with the bastard boss of this place, yes." Levi reached into his pocket and took out his cigarette packet. I expected him to take one out to light but he simply tossed the box between his hands.

I wished I had something to distract myself from my excitement. Levi must have saw it on my face – it was too obvious to miss – but said nothing. He looked like he was in a better mood. I guessed he was more excited than he was letting on.

"So," I said, taking the risk, "are you going to apologise?"

"For saving your ass? Twice?" He raised his eyebrows as he walked closer until he was in front of me.

"For yelling at me!" I corrected him, stepping back to give us some space but only resulting in getting myself backed up into a wall. "And not telling me whatever it is that I… still don't know about this place, whatever Irvin was whispering about earlier."

It was incredibly difficult not to think about kissing when he had me backed up against a wall in a confined space, looking all like the dark, handsome moody lead singer he was, who was also straight and disgusted at the idea of fucking me. _Details_.

Having had strangers grind their junks on my fancy new pants, I felt a new-found confidence. Unfortunately, it didn't involve grabbing Levi by his cravat and acting upon my thoughts. The confidence stayed in my head. I felt less guilty when I thought about Levi doing what the strangers in this place were doing not so long ago.

_Leather pants, Eren. Tight leather pants. Conceal, don't feel. Let that boner go._

Annoyingly, Levi didn't look at all like he was having some kinda inner turmoil. His eyes studied my face to spot mine. "Eren, this-"

It was like the cliché gods were working hard tonight. Levi was interrupted by his phone chiming. His eyes closed, frustration evident in his tight lipped words, "You're fucking kidding me." Then he fished his phone out and snapped into it, "This better be good, Irvin."

It was good, I guessed. He hummed then said, "I'll be right out," before slipping his phone back into his pocket and looking at me again. The phone call wasn't long but it gave me time to compose myself. Acting upon some misplaced one-sided sexual tension would be shooting myself in the foot.

I couldn't lose The Corps over a stupid mistake. Levi was worth more than that to me.

"The Corps are up," he said.

I tried for a smile. "Finally some decent music."

"Better go potty in case you pee yourself with excitement," he teased. My laugh wasn't fake. Levi nodded then turned to unlock the door. "The glitter twins are dangerous. They even have a motto."

 _They even have a name_. "Which is?"

"There's a reason God gave men two balls. Double trouble."

"Jesus."

"Well, he was all for sharing. Loafs and fish and all that."

I rolled my eyes at that. "Don't you have a stage to be frightened off?"

Levi paused then laughed that short single laugh of his. "I'll see you in the crowd, Jaeger."

I locked the door as soon as he left so I could check there wasn't an obvious tent in my pants (Levi leaving helped that case) and splash my face with water, praising the magic that was waterproof eyeliner.

When I headed back to the dance floor, I found it filled. The Corps were setting up on stage but there was no way in hell I would miss a single minute of my band's performance to some drunk folk that wouldn't even remember it in the morning.

Dodging groups that resembled a gay orgy and humping couples with bright coloured hair and piercings that caught the light, I waggled my way to the front, finding myself next to another gay couple and a drag queen taking selfies with them. Noticing my staring, the drag queen winked. I smiled and quickly looked back at the stage, not sure how to engage with people who hung shot glasses over their chests on necklaces that reminded me of Christian rosary beads. Luckily for me, Hanji started drumming and Mike winked at me as he began playing his bass as Irvin strummed his guitar. One spotlight highlighted them all, the lead in the centre.

Levi began singing.

_What's been happening in your world?_

_What have you been up to?_

_I heard that you fell in love, or near enough_

_I gotta tell you the truth_

The crowd was loud but being so close had its advantages, as did a one tracked mind. All I could focus on was Levi, his lithe body and his long fingers around the mic stand, and his voice, singing a song that the crowd seemed familiar with as they clapped and snapped along. The drag queen practically screamed the lyrics but Levi was louder, his deep voice clear and in control. This was Levi's crowd.

_I wanna grab both your shoulders and shake, baby_

_Snap out of it_

The crowd sang back the line.

_I get the feeling I left it too late but baby_

_Snap out of it_

And again.

_If that watch don't continue to swing_

_Or the fat lady fancies having a sing_

_I'll be here_

_Waiting ever so patiently for you to_

_Snap_

Clap.

_Out_

Clap.

_Of_

Clap.

_It_

Clap and cheer.

Levi's eyes could have looked anywhere, at any faceless person in the crowd to find a face, but his gaze was on me as he sung on.

_Forever isn't for everyone_

_Is forever for you?_

_It sounds like settling down_

_Or giving up_

_But it don't sound much like you, boy_

I couldn't clap or sing or do anything except stay rooted in my spot as the crowds swayed around me and drunken arms commanded dancing, touching, reaction. But the only person I cared about seeing my reactions was on the stage and, flickering lights aside, I was sure he could see my expression pretty perfectly.

_Under a spell, you're hypnotized_

_Darling, how could you be so blind?_

I felt the drag queen kiss my cheek before moving to the other boy next to me, who laughed and danced as Levi sang the last chorus. Everything pieced itself together, all whilst he never took his eyes off me.

His rejection of Petra, her comforting that Levi would notice my appearance tonight, the reason he chased the guy at the bar away, chased me from the glitter twins, chased the gay couple out of the toilets and the never-ending amount of boys on boys and girls on girls dancing around me like they were at a festival and not a tiny gay club that was too heavy on the pink lighting.

_He sang 'boy.'_

I pushed myself away from the stage as the song ended and the crowd cheered and yelled for more, retreating to a shadowed corner where couples of all genders made out freely. I waited, hidden, watching as Hanji and Mike joined the crowds and Levi left, eyes fleeting as though he was searching for something. Someone. _Me_.

I waited until Irvin was coming off stage, elbowing past his appreciating fans that offered blowjobs galore. He grinned when he saw me, looking sweaty, pumped from the performance and still handsome.

Then he saw the expression on my face and pushed past the crowd towards me. "Eren-"

"He's gay," I said bluntly. "Levi's… gay."

A strange expression passed over Irvin's face. Resignation. He smiled weakly. "Need a drink?"

I swallowed. "Maybe two."

He patted my shoulder before using it to steer me towards the bar, seating us in front of Annie's standing spot. "At least, that confirms you're not into my sister. Annie, get me something that'll calm him down."

Annie eyed me with knowing eyes. "He figured it out?"

"Halfway."

"What the _hell_ is going on with this place?" I repeated, after the umpteenth time for the night. "With you all?"

Annie set a multi-coloured drink in front of me, complete with a rainbow umbrella. "We call this one 'Gay Pride.'"

I glared at her until she handed Irvin his drink, something less flamboyant, and headed off to serve other customers.

Reverting my glower to the drink, I lifted it and, with sarcasm, gave a toast, "To Levi!"

Irvin raised his drink in response. "To Eren."

Our eyes met and Irvin's earlier acceptance wasn't lost on me. He looked at me with a kindness that showed sympathetic understanding. "It's okay," he told me gently. He looked around, at the couples kissing and hugging and dancing freely, in a world that wasn't so free. _This is their wings of freedom_. "It's definitely okay."


	11. AUTHOR'S NOTE

welllllllllll long time no see folks.

i guess i should start of with an apology. a lot of people are attached to this fic and were waiting for me to come back and update. but i guess, unless you're a writer yourself, you can't understand how difficult it is when you just CAN'T. plus i really don't like ereri anymore and i suppose i've moved on from snk aside from the occasional one shot. its wrong of me to keep people hopeful and i wish i had done this sooner but eh, here we are.

for the record i don't have time to write anything with multi chapters. i'm sticking to one shots for when i need a break from college so this fic isn't the only one that's suffering. college is super busy, i'm taking up extra classes and responsibilities and i only want to write if i fully enjoy it because otherwise it'll just be like another chore i have to do and i've had enough of those.

i am NOT going to delete this fic but rather orphan it. i don't want it attached to my account, that's all. it'll still be out there for those who wish to read it.

again, i'm sorry. so many lovely people approached me about around your neck and i regret not being able to give you what i promised.

thank you for all the support, comments, kudos' and views! i hope everyone is having a good day <3

P.S. SUMMARY IN THE NEXT CHAPTER


	12. AUTHOR'S NOTE: SUMMARY

okay basically the blog i posted the summary on used to be my shared blog but the person i shared the blog with is keeping it because i have my own blog and i don't want to clutter mine with posts about the past so i'm putting the summary here ye

DON'T READ IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE STUFF TO YOUR IMAGINATION OR WISH TO READ OTHER WRITER'S INTERPRETATION OF HOW THIS STORY WOULD END ETC ETC

sorry its so brief but where's the fun in every detail when you can just make your own right?

OKAY

* * *

 

  * mikasa and co find out and don’t approve of the corps bc they feel as though they’ve been replaced as eren’s best friends but then realise they’re being silly so they work together for the festival
  * oh yeah turns out the reason armin is so distracted is because he’s kinda in love too with annie who he met at some smartypants related competition but she’s a sina student and it kinda proves that sina and maria people can be together why is it such a big deal
  * so eren realises rivalries are dumb
  * as you can see there’s lots of realisations in ayn
  * once everyone is like HEy let’s work together eren asks annie if she knows a band and she does (its bert, reiner and ymir - all sina students)
  * the festival becomes their goal to FRIENDSHIP and OTHER CHEESY STUFF rather than arguing and fighting and stuff
  * in terms of eren and levi’s relationship they go through ups and downs but then eren (after spending weeks learning to cook with sasha) actually makes levi dinner and ye. other stuff
  * FINALLY THE FESTIVAL HAPPENS one of the songs the corps play is up in the air by 30 seconds to mars (which features the lyrics ‘around your neck’ fun fact for y’all) um i also planned eren and levi to say those special three words at the end of the night because fanfiction has to be cheesy and gross
  * afterwards eren is like ‘i have the greatest friend and i’m so happy’
  * the epilogue or whatever would have been eren and levi going on holiday in paris (a gift for eren’s birthday) bc they joked about it in one of the chapters earlier i’m sure??? but yeah mega cheesy



this is OFFICIALLY a goodbye from me folks. i'm sorry i couldn't finish this but thank you for all the support!!!

(also let me know if you want me to keep this summary on the end of this fic or if i should delete it before i orphan this piece. thank you!!)


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